TAKE ME as I am

by C Osborne, Laurina

“Can I meet Chloe? I need to say a few things to her in your presence.”

  “Then what?” he asks, looking at me with hope in his eyes.

  “Then we compromise.”

  He grins and I laugh out loud. Neither of us can win here, so I’m not sure what type of medicine our laughter is providing.

  At four in the morning I jump up. Mark is asleep to my left. I close my eyes wondering what woke me up. I was dreaming, I was running and the road ended and I’m off the edge of a cliff in the air dangling, just suspended out there with my heart racing afraid to look down.

  I slowly peel the covers back, slide out of bed, grab my robe and walk into the living room. I’m shaking.

  What am I scared of?

  Losing him?

  He’s the one who’s afraid of losing me.

  I can survive on my own. I have Dad and Zoi and the boys; I’ll be okay if he leaves me.

  What if he doesn’t? What if he stays and I compromise?

  I’ll marry him and no babies. I’ll give him a baby and no marriage.

  Where will we live?

  I can’t leave Zoi; she’s my responsibility.

  No she isn’t. Dad is here for her and she has a husband. Roland and Zander will always have their father if something happens to me.

  What’s going to happen to me?

  Twins?

  Only God knows the future and Granny couldn’t even see mine. Miss Henny told me a long time ago that God gave us all free will and I was free to choose how I wanted to walk my path. I chose Daddy and this time I choose me. All the books say that when a woman hits the age of forty she begins to understand that she’s important and if she’s to live a happy productive life she must love herself first.

  So I choose me over Mark.

  I put my face in my hands. Why does choosing me over the man I love feel so wrong? This is the problem. This is why I need to stay single and keep things casual. For once, I want things to be about me. I want to be the mother to my soul just for a little while. Love a man and have him love me back without having to pick up after him or cook for him or be everything for him. What’s wrong with that?

  I ease deeper into the sofa with my eyes wide open staring into semi-blackness. If I choose me I will lose him and I love him. What kind of choice is that?

  I need a blanket, but I stretch out my legs feeling a little chilled. I put my arm across my eyes willing my mind to relax.

  “If I snored too loudly. I’m sorry,” he says.

  I smile as I feel him sit beside me on the sofa.

  “You’re fine. I was dreaming and it woke me up. I’m trying to figure out what it means.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks as he lies on top of me.

  I open my legs to accommodate his weight and wrap them over his.

  “It’s a little heavy, so maybe we should save it for another time.”

  “I’m here because sleeping beside you is a luxury I crave. I turn over and the bed’s cold, so now I’m fully awake; tell me.”

  “I’m at a weird place. At this point in my life, with the boys gone, I was hoping to be selfish and all I would have to worry about is saving for retirement and paying for grad school for Zander. Maybe picking which friends I would go on cruises with. I never thought about being in love and what it would do to my choices.”

  “Being in love does change things and people,” Mark says.

  “What did you give up when you were in love with Chloe?”

  “A career as a lawyer. It wasn’t hard to do; she was more passionate about it than I was. The hours were not conducive to raising children if both of us were trying to get to the top. I changed fields, so we could have a family.”

  “What changed after that?”

  “I did. She did. A marriage needs balance and a feeling that we are both contributing a hundred percent. Her career was the most important thing to her. At first, I understood that and kept waiting for us, the love we had for each other to be more important. Then the kids became more important to me than what I shared with her.”

  “Did you cheat or wanted someone else to fill what you weren’t getting?”

  “I thought about it. I wanted to. But I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I like that she was mine and I didn’t have to worry about using protection or having to hide what I do; but we separated.”

  “You said she was the only person you were sleeping with, so why did you have a condom when we met?”

  He laughs. “There were other women after we separated and after the divorce, but it was a hassle. I knew Chloe was seeing someone else and we used protection.”

  “Do you remember the night we met?”

  “Of course.”

  I kiss his forehead as images of us in his hotel room in Canada flash across my mind.

  “You were the first person to give me oral sex,” I say, as I squeeze my eyes tightly shut.

  He lifts his head to examine my face and although I know he can’t see me clearly, I keep my eyes closed. I feel his grin.

  “Say something.”

  “You were married for what … eight years, it never came up?”

  I cuddle his head and he squeezes me tightly.

  “It never came up. I knew what it was, but I never asked for it or wanted it.”

  “What about with Leigh?”

  “I told you, it was just sex and I believe Leigh reserves that for his wife.”

  “When I saw you leave the hotel my body reacted and I could almost taste you. I waited for you to come back and started worrying I had missed you because you took so long.” I feel him grinning. “That behind of yours set me on fire and I followed you into the wine shop. When you showed up in my room and didn’t kiss me back, I knew you had never done it that way before. You smelled so clean and fresh, I wanted to taste you, your essence, even if that was all I got.”

  “I … I didn’t know you were going to do that. You have the kindest eyes and the way you touched my body I wanted to do something I had never done before.”

  “I know that being in love with me is difficult for you and I wanted it to be fun like we were in our twenties and dating, but what I feel can’t be denied.”

  “I’m beginning to feel like I will lose you if I don’t give you what you want and I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want you to be a person who is afraid to lose me either.”

  “I know and I believe we can both have what we want if we let go of our fears.”

  “How do we do that?”

  “By talking openly and honestly about it, the way we’re doing now.”

  We hold each other and eventually we both fall asleep. I hear my cell phone ring but refuse to budge to get it. The house phone rings soon after and I reach behind me with some difficulty and answer it.

  “Hello,” I say refusing to hide my sleepiness.

  “Nella, Tempest is sick!” Zoi says in a panic.

  “What’s wrong with her?” I ask, trying to sound calmer than I feel.

  “She’s having trouble breathing out of her nose. It’s stuffy and nothing I do is helping.”

  “Does she have a temperature?”

  “I don’t think so, please come.”

  “I’ll be there in two minutes,” I say, and hang up the phone.

  “Is the baby sick?” Mark asks.

  “Yes, and Zoi is panicked,” I say as he eases up and I pull myself from under him.

  “I heard it in her voice. Do you want me to come with you?”

  I stop and turn around. I can see him better now with the pale sunlight coming in.

  “You should come. You want babies and maybe this will change your mind.”

  I quickly brush my teeth, pull on sweats and my coat. I grab a plastic bag with a few sticks of solid Camphor ointment and leave Mark getting dressed as I rush upstairs.

  “Hi, Dad,” I say, seeing the back of his head in the kitchen probably making coffee.

  “Good morning, Eunella,” I hear him say as I drop my c
oat over the chair and walk down the hall.

  Zoi has Tempest up against her breast as she paces and tries to hush her. Darnell is sitting on the bed looking at them.

  “Good morning,” I say as cheerful as I can and Zoi passes Tempest to me. She’s whining a little and her face is red. I lay her on the changing table and look up her nose. It’s full of mucous. I feel her head; she’s slightly warm. I look around for the aspirator as I clean my hands with a wet wipe.

  “Zo, where’s the nasal aspirator?”

  “I tried that, but she hates it and I didn’t get any out,” she says as she finds it in the chair and hands it to me.

  I try to squeeze the air out, but it feels as if there’s a hole in it. Tempest starts to fuss a little more and she’s wheezing.

  “It’s not working; it may be punctured. Zoi you’re going to have to suck it out of her nose.”

  “What … what do you mean suck it out of her nose?” she asks, terrified.

  “What do you think I mean?” I say, staring at her horrified face.

  “Oh God, Nella, I can’t do that. Can’t we try something else?”

  “She’s your baby, Zo and the aspirator is broken.”

  “Nella, please don’t make me,” she says in a whinny voice.

  I look from her to Darnell and his big eyes are open wide trying to figure out what we’re talking about.

  “Both of you get out. I’ll do it, but not in front of either of you.”

  “Nella, I’m sorry,” Zoi moans as they both leave.

  I put the safety strap around Tempest, quickly close my eyes and just as quickly open them and put my mouth over Tempest’s nose. I don’t let myself think. I suck very gently but steadily and then run full speed to the bathroom. I spit and then wash out my mouth with mouthwash forcing myself not to think about what I just did. Tempest’s cry brings me back to the bedroom. I pick her up and do baby talk as I wipe her nose with a wet cloth to clean the small amount remaining. She’s breathing better. I lay her down, open her jumper, take it off and roll a stick of Camphor ointment between my palms, so it melts a little, and gently rub her chest and back. I rub a little on the sole of her feet and then put on her clothes. I put a line of ointment on her forehead then pick her up.

  She coos.

  “You’re welcome, baby girl. Are you hungry?” I ask her, as we leave the bedroom and find her parents waiting in the hall. I walk past them still talking to Tempest and head to the kitchen but stop when I see Mark on the sofa. I sit next to him with Tempest sucking on her fist.

  “What did you do?”

  “You don’t want to know.” I look up at Darnell and Zoi, the two innocents. “You two owe me and I will collect,” I say, passing Tempest to Darnell.

  “Nella, she’s not the same baby,” he says kissing Tempest as he holds her close to him. “She smells strange.”

  “I rubbed her down, so she’ll breathe easier.”

  I leave to wash my hands. When I return to the kitchen, Dad and Zoi are standing there.

  Zoi hugs me tightly. “Nella, I love you. When you and Mark get married are you going to move? You can’t move Nella,” she says, genuinely concerned.

  I hold her away from me. “What are you talking about? Who said anything about getting married?”

  Zoi glares at me and then at Dad. She turns back to me. “Mark didn’t ask you when you went to Jamaica?” she asks, whispering.

  I look from her to Dad. “Why would either of you know that he was going to ask me?”

  “Mark asked for Dad’s permission to marry you,” Zo whispers again.

  I look at Dad and he nods.

  “You told him yes without talking to me, without asking me how I feel?” I ask Dad between clinched teeth.

  He walks over to me and I look up in his face, eye ball to eye ball.

  “You love him and he asked me for permission to marry you. I like him; I believe he’s good for you and that he loves you. I gave him my permission to ask you. The rest was up to you.”

  “You’re my father. You could’ve asked me if I wanted to be married to him,” I say with tears running down my face.

  He cups my face. “Eunella, I love you and you love him.” He stops and his face makes a move as if he is going to cry himself. He clutches me tightly. “I’m sorry; I should have talked to you even if I think I know what’s best for you.” I hug him tightly. “I love you and I’m so sorry,” he says.

  “I love him, Dad; but I’m scared what will happen to me if I marry him.”

  “Zoi, what’s wrong with Nella?” Mark asks from behind me.

  I pull away from Dad and wipe my eyes.

  “I asked Nella not to move away when you get married. I’m sorry; I didn’t realize that you didn’t ask her.”

  Darnell joins the party now too. I turn to Mark and he looks at me tenderly. I stare back feeling guilty.

  “Before I could ask Nella, she told my Grandmother she didn’t want to get married. I’m still working on it.”

  “If it happens, Mark, can you please live close by?” Zoi asks.

  “I will live wherever Nella wants to live,” Marks responds as he puts his arm over my shoulder.

  “Nella is starving. All she wants right now is breakfast and I don’t want to have to make it myself.”

  Dad moves closer to me. “I will make breakfast, so get out of the kitchen, all of you.”

  We move as one out of the kitchen and I turn back to Dad.

  “I was wondering if I can throw you a birthday party and that will give you an excuse to invite what’s her name, so we can meet her. I’ll even let you borrow my apartment for her visit.”

  “When’s Dad’s birthday?” Zoi asks.

  “A better idea would be to have a fortieth birthday party for you,” Dad says grinning at me.

  “I don’t want a party. I have plans, but I will cancel them for you.”

  “Nella, you and Dad share the same birthday?”

  “Yeah, Zo, that why he thinks he owns me.”

  “Then I have a better idea. Why don’t Mark and I give a birthday party for both of you? What do you think Mark?”

  “Actually I was hoping to take Nella to Canada to meet my family.”

  “Spring break is the week before my birthday,” I say to Mark.

  “Then, a party sounds like a good idea.”

  Mark decides to mix business with family pressure, so we will spend five days of my spring break in Canada. We leave on Tuesday morning. We will stay in a bed and breakfast until I meet his family, then see how it goes after that.

  On the flight to Seattle, I’m having second thoughts about coming. I sense Mark silently challenging me to ask whatever it is I would like to know, but I’m stubborn. Hey, I’m almost forty, what’s the worst they can do to me?

  I keep telling myself that he loves me and he wouldn’t lead me into an ambush. My Dad crosses my mind. He’s in the secret service or whatever, he should know enough to run a background check on the man who is taking his daughter out of the country, right? But come to think of it he had to hire someone to find us. What kind of agent is he anyway?

  After Mark reaches out and holds my hand, I smile and release my negative thoughts.

  I feel the difference in the air the minute the seaplane hits the water. It’s a seaside town and the air is cleaner and crisper. We arrive at the B&B near downtown Victoria, British Columbia, after dark, early Tuesday evening.

  We eat dinner at the B&B without talking to anyone, then return to our room. In bed, we talk about the birthday party scheduled for next week. Mark wants the names of my friends. I tell him it would be better if Zoi calls them. He tries to get a feel for what I like, but I don’t really care for parties or anything celebrating me. I insist the party should be as casual as possible; my apartment would be fine.

  “What was your wedding like?” Mark asks out of the blue.

  “How did we get from birthday party to my wedding?” I ask a little annoyed.

  “Ju
st tell me, I imagine everyone who was anyone was there.”

  “I guess. His mother handled everything. I just had to show up.”

  “Tell me about your dress,” he says seriously.

  I hold my head back against the metal-framed bed and stare at the white, planked ceiling.

  “I remember being excited. Getting married before you got pregnant is a big deal. I hadn’t even had sex yet, but I knew enough about how it worked. Zoi was pregnant then too.” I smile and look over at his face. “I was more excited about getting my hair ironed than about whether the dress fit properly or not. My friends suddenly seemed to raise my stature because Keith’s father was the chief minister. They expected he would be one someday.”

  “How was your wedding night?”

  A feeling moves over my stomach and I turn to him. “It was painful and awful and I cried. The following night was better after I had some wine and Keith talked to me as we did it.”

  “Did you ever feel as if you loved him?”

  “Yes.”

  “When?”

  I have to think. I pull up my legs to my chest and hug them.

  “When I first found out I was pregnant with Roland. His parents were so happy, their first grandchild, and Keith was happy too. When Zoi left for the States I couldn’t stop crying and Keith was very comforting and kind. I loved him then.”

  The questions stop.

  I turn to him.

  “When you go to the office on Thursday, I’ll spend the day downtown on my own. Can you suggest places to visit to get a good feel of Victoria?”

  “I think you should leave Thursday open until we see how tomorrow goes.”

  “Okay,” I say sliding down under the covers. “Are Daniel and Candice going to be there tomorrow?”

  I hear him put his pad and pen on the night table and move under the covers too. He reaches out and touches my face and I get a warm feeling in my stomach. I turn my eyes on him.

  “It’s okay to be scared to meet my family. I don’t think my brother and sister will be there. Candice is in Europe and Daniel has a family and a medical practice, so I’m sure he won’t be there.”

  “Are we going to have sex?” I ask timidly.

  He laughs out loud and I grin in return.

  “What if I say no?”