“Zoi, I’m here if you need to talk, even if you have nothing to say.”
“Nella, that doesn’t make sense but thanks.”
At the door, I hold her hand to stop her from knocking.
“Have you been feeling depressed or like you need a break?”
“I don’t know what I feel. I’m a mother and … I’m a mother. Let’s go see Dad’s chick and pretend we love her, okay?”
“Hug me first and then knock.”
She hugs me and it lasts for a long time. I make a note to try to help.
We knock and he opens the door with an enormous grin on his face. He hugs and kisses us. He looks younger and happier. We look past him and there she is, beautiful, young and exotic. She looks mixed but mostly Asian. She’s American and perfect … and she makes my father happy. Trudy looks forty-five but is actually fifty. She touches his face with care and they look at each other and giggle throughout dinner. They share history and sex and fun. They have what I want. I’m jealous.
After dinner, Dad cleans up. I offer to help, but he wants Zoi and me to remain at the table and get to know Trudy. She doesn’t look like an FBI type person. She sounds smart; she’s easygoing.
“How long have you and Dad known each other?” I ask Trudy.
“Ben and I have known each other on and off for about fifteen years. He was my boss at one point.”
“You guys have been sleeping together for fifteen years?” Zoi asks.
“No. We’ve been friends for that long and having sex on and off for eight years or so.”
“Can I ask you something personal?” I whisper to Trudy.
“Sure, but you don’t have to whisper. Ben and I have an open relationship. Because of the work we do, our friendship is more important than the sex, except we like the sex we share.”
“How do you keep it casual and it still works? Is it because you don’t love each other?”
“We love each other, but we are probably not in love in the typical sense. We understand the physical needs of our bodies and that it may take more than one partner to satisfy different areas of what we need.”
“Dad doesn’t mind you sleeping with someone else?” Zoi asks, loud enough so Dad can’t pretend not to hear.”
“Zoi, I’m not deaf and Trudy won’t lie to you.”
Ignoring Zoi’s question, Trudy turns to me with one of her own.
“Nella, are you in love and does he want to settle down and you want less?”
I scrutinize her face and she’s being kind.
“Yes. I love him and I want to be with only him, but he wants marriage and children. I want sleepovers and long weekends and forever without the weight of a ring and children and all the other messes involved.”
“Why?” Trudy asks.
“I thought you would understand.”
“I do, but it’s the way I’m built. I’m not a normal or typical woman. I’m more logical and emotions come second, or after the logic makes sense.”
“Eunella, you want what Mark wants, but you’re letting fear stop you from enjoying the ride. I’m not in love. People like Trudy and me have a built in understanding because of what we do. It happened over time. Our experiences mold and shape us. What I did to you and what you’re remembering of your mother’s death is holding you back. I can’t guarantee that he won’t hurt you, but I can guarantee that if he leaves your hurt will be much greater.”
He comes over to the table and sits. We hold each other’s gaze.
“Dad, I want to love him and give him what he wants, but my heart remembers. I can’t pretend it doesn’t.”
“Nella, why do you remember so strongly what Ben did to you, but you still love him and show him that love and not hostility?” Trudy asks.
My eyes move to the table then up at Trudy. “It’s a long story and a little out there.”
“Share it with him. I sense you two are a lot alike except you’re female and have a more generous heart than Ben does.”
“I’ll think about it,” I say.
At the end, I walk Zoi back upstairs and decide to spend the night. I call Mark. He wants me to come home. I open my mouth to tell him I’m home, but instead I give in. He offers to pick me up, but I promise I’ll get there eventually.
Later, the three of us sit in the living room discussing Mark’s family. I talk about the house again for Darnell’s benefit and describe my three days of measured posturing to get their approval. I recount my encounter with Chloe. Both Zo and Darnell are impressed with the way I handled it. I express my reservations about the situation with the children. I wonder if it’s worth the trouble if I’m not a hundred percent certain.
“So you still haven’t decided to marry the guy?” Darnell asks.
“I’ve decided to keep him, but I’m still afraid to say yes to marriage. Where will we live? I was proud to live here; but now I will have to move to his apartment and it’s nice, but …”
“It’s too far from Zo.”
I stare at Darnell and he knows without me answering.
“Nella, I want you here, but you can’t lose him over my childish needs.”
“You have to stop judging him by what you see. It was his skin color. Now it’s the color of his money. You have grown to love him, trust what you have and give the guy a break. He’s a good man and he’s what your heart needs. Your father did the worst possible thing to you and you still love him after all this time. What could Mark do to you that would be as bad as that?”
“Leave me if I don’t want to have his children.”
“Is it the age thing why you don’t want to have his children?” Darnell asks.
It is not all about my age. I can’t tell them.
“Nella, what is it? We’re your family and we may be able to help,” he adds.
“You’re an American and I’m not sure what you believe in,” I say, grudgingly. I turn to Zoi. “Do you remember when I felt Dad getting tortured?”
She nods.
“I had a choice and I chose that indirectly.”
“What do you mean?” she asks, standing and walking away from me looking scared.
I relay the story of the gift I walked away from and the choice I made. Zoi’s eyes glisten with unshed tears. I tell her about the fortuneteller and about mom dying while having twins.
“Are you going to tell Dad?”
“Why?”
“Because he can help you get beyond this and he will finally understand how you can forgive him so easily and stop blaming himself for taking thirty years to find us. He expected you to resent, even hate him, but you don’t. Because of that, he blames himself for not coming sooner.”
“I don’t want to tell Dad something about Mom’s death he doesn’t know. He has moved on and he needs to stay that way. Zo, he looks so good and so happy.”
“I know,” she says laughing. “I can’t believe they’re not in love.”
“I wish she could stay, I wouldn’t mind seeing him like this every day.”
“Maybe it’s time for him to leave. Did either of you ask him what he wants to do?”
“He said he would like to see Tempest grow up,” I say, looking at Zoi.
“I want him to stay especially if you move.”
“I don’t know if I’ll move. The next move is Mark’s and I’m very nervous about it.”
“Why don’t you move in with him, so he won’t be forced to ask you to marry him,” Darnell says.
I grin. I like that except you don’t just move in with someone and his children are coming this summer. I walk over to Darnell.
“If you tell me how to do that I will tell you how to get Zoi to have sex with you.”
“What?” Zoi asks surprised. “It’s not a voluntary thing. I’m just not feeling him. I don’t feel sexy or even have the desire.”
“Deal or not?” I ask Darnell, ignoring Zoi.
He stares at his wife. She turns away from him and then turns back. They glare at each other.
“
Deal,” he says and reaches out his hand to me.
We’re interrupted by a knock at the door. I know instinctively that it’s Mark. Zoi lets him in. I look at my watch then at Darnell.
“Call me at work tomorrow or come by for dinner and we’ll figure it out,” Darnell says sensing Mark’s impatience.
“What if I spend the night tomorrow, so we can talk about it, and I’ll talk to Dad too?”
“Nella?” Mark demands. We look toward him. “You promised me the entire week,” he states forcefully.
I glare at him then turn to Darnell.
“Would it be okay if I drive her back to your place before nine tomorrow night?” Darnell asks Mark.
We see his distress, but he nods.
I kiss and hug Zoi and say bye to Darnell.
On the ride to Mark’s, I feel his anger. I decide to let him seethe, but half way there I change my mind. I reach over and touch his arm. He turns to stare at me then back in the direction of traffic.
“I was coming. You didn’t have to come and get me, but I appreciate the ride.”
“What’s so important about tomorrow?” he asks reluctantly.
“Darnell has a personal problem, so I offered to help.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I would tell you, but it’s a little embarrassing and you’re not exactly family.”
He sighs.
“Well, it sounds harsh, so why don’t we talk about Dad’s friend.”
“Tell me.”
We talk about Dad and Trudy until we enter his apartment. I hint that I hoped our relationship would be more like theirs. He says it’s impossible because we’re in love. I report that Dad appears to be in love too except he claims not to be. Mark guarantees me that when a man’s in love with a woman he cannot share her for long, if at all.
I shower then lie in bed with Mark. I can still feel his displeasure. I move on top of him. He rests his hand on my back and just let it sit there.
“We started talking about your parents’ house and it segued into my personal feelings and then my feelings about Dad. I finally told Zoi the entire story about what happened when I was ten. She thinks I need to tell Dad because he blames himself for staying away for thirty years out of fear of my reaction when in fact I took it well.”
“You didn’t take it well,” he says, and this time his hand moves over my back.
“Better than he expected. He never expected me to still love him. He was prepared for long term resentment.”
“Then you need to tell him the truth.”
“I don’t think I should tell him what I believe about mom’s death.”
“I think you should because it will help you get past your fear of dying in childbirth.”
I lift my head and examine his face, his eyes.
“I don’t want to hurt him by bringing up bad memories. Dad shouldn’t have to pay for what I know.”
“You have to stop trying to be the savior for your family.”
I move to get off him, but he holds me tight.
“Nella, I want us, you and me, to be a family. I don’t think telling your father will be new information for him. I think that he would’ve had his wife’s death investigated at some point to come to terms with it. It may be selfish of me, but I think he is the only one who can help you and I want you to let him.”
“Because you want babies?”
“Because I want you and all the possibilities that come with you.”
I close my eyes and hold him tight. I don’t know if what he said was romantic or if it hit me in the right spot because he left the babies out, but it feels right.
“Darnell and Zoi have not had sex since the baby, so I offered to help in exchange for getting Darnell’s help with keeping you.”
“Why do you need Darnell’s help to keep me?”
“Because if I marry you and don’t give you babies you will leave me and if I don’t marry you, even though I love you, you will leave me.”
He laughs. “Shouldn’t you be discussing that with me? I don’t believe Darnell knows me well enough to help you.”
“Mark?” I ask, raising my head to examine his face. “Can you tell me exactly what I need to do to keep you, so I can stop worrying about it?”
“The first thing you need to do is to make me your priority.”
I give him a quizzical look.
“I need to be first or pretty close to first in your life. If you say you will spend the week with me and something comes up, you can’t just push that aside as if it or I don’t matter.”
I bite my lip. I did that without thinking about his feelings first or about him for that matter.
“What else?”
“I want to say I don’t want to marry a woman who doesn’t want to marry me, but I’d be lying. I want to marry you with my whole heart and I want you to want that.”
I stare at him and feel something turn over in my stomach.
“Is there a way to compromise about marrying you, like maybe saying I will and then coming up with an exact time that both of us can agree on way down the road?”
He laughs out loud. “Nella, don’t you watch any TV at all?”
“I do sometimes. What’s that got to do with anything?”
He eases me off him and gets out of the bed. He turns to me.
“Have you ever heard the word engagement and do you understand what it means?”
I scream but not too loudly. “You know, because I act dumb doesn’t mean I’m actually dumb. Some things just don’t apply to me. I know what it means to become engaged.”
“Good,” he says, pulling me toward the edge of the bed and getting on his knees.
“Mark, you don’t have to, not this minute,” I say, feeling a twinge of fright in my stomach.
“Eunella Veronica Blakely, will you please agree to marry me at a date and time to be agreed upon in the future?” He is very serious and appears to be as nervous as I am.
I nod. “Markham Jacob Gagnon, I will marry you some time in the future,” I say, making my fingers walk through the air to indicate a time way out there.
“Yes!” he exclaims and jumps up off the floor. He kisses me and I’m happy that saying yes didn’t kill me. I stop kissing him by holding his head.
“How come I don’t get a ring?” I ask with a puzzled look on my face.
“I’m saving it for the party,” he says, full of himself.
“What do you mean? You were going to ask me at the party?”
“I was always going to ask you but not specifically at the party. The idea that you may say no in front of the whole world gave me chills. But you just said yes, so I can ask you again in front of the whole world because you already said yes.”
“I feel like you set me up.”
“I feel like I planned it too.”
I lie back on the bed.
“I was going to ask you if I could move in with you, but I don’t have to now.”
“Nella, you need to stop trying to have the last word,” he says, lying on top of me. I pull my legs from under him, raise them up and wrap them around him.
“You’re right. All I need to do right now is to make sure that my words count,” I say, kissing him hard. He responds in kind and I’m ready, but he slowly pulls away.
“Did I blow it? You were going to move in with me?” he asks with sudden realization.
“Yes, but don’t sweat it, you got what you really wanted and now it’s my turn, so show me how an engaged man gets the last word in.” I reach up and capture his lips and I’m satisfied with what his response promises.
On the morning of my fortieth year, I open my eyes and a burnt-orange box tied with a white ribbon is on my pillow smiling at me. I grin back and I’m happy. I lie still and just appreciate my favorite color. I’m happy with just the box.
“Are you just going to stare at it all day?”
“Yes. Thank you,” I say without moving. “I love it, Mark.”
He lies on
my back and kisses my cheek. He’s already showered.
“Happy birthday, Nella. I love you.”
I cover my mouth and mutter, “I love you too. Do I have to open it? It’s so beautiful, my favorite color.”
“Please open it,” he says, rolling off me.
“Can I shower first and brush my teeth, so I can at least kiss you?”
“You can brush your teeth,” he says, looking disappointed.
I climb out of bed, grab the gift and walk to the bathroom. I quickly brush my teeth and then slowly pull the ribbon. His words are engraved on the ribbon.
Nella, say you’ll marry me on this your birthday. I love you. Mark.
“Oh my God!” I whisper. I drape the ribbon around my neck. How do you top that?
I slowly remove the top of the box and gasp. It’s beautiful. I turn around, open the door and walk into Mark. With my hand still covering my heart I look into his eyes.
“Thank you. It’s … it’s beautiful and …” taking the ribbon from around my neck I nod, “yes, I’ll marry you.”
I kiss him and tears creep down my face. He stops and wipes my tears with his thumbs.
“Would you have said yes if last night didn’t happen?”
“I don’t know, but it’s so much easier to say it today. I actually want to marry you.”
“Nella, since it’s yes, can we make a stop before we go to work? I want it in writing,” he says laughing.
He kisses me and I reach over and put the box on his dresser.
I’m ready to begin my fortieth year right.
Inspired by Mark’s gift, I call Darnell at work and tell him what happened last night. He laughs so hard I have to pull the phone away from my ear.
“Sometimes you’re the smartest girl I know and other times you are so dumb,” he says still laughing.
“I agree with you, so stop laughing because I have to get to class and you have an errand to go on.”
I send him to a jeweler to get Zoi a gift to begin his seduction. It takes a while to get him to understand that all he has to do is to tell them the name of the ring and the item number on the website and they will know what he’s talking about. I give him the ring size, but I don’t reveal the cost because if it’s too expensive then he doesn’t deserve to get laid. I also walk him through what I have in mind and he seems to understand.
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