TAKE ME as I am

by C Osborne, Laurina

  I then text Dad birthday greetings and hurry to class.

  After school, I park in front of the building and call Dad while I’m sitting in my truck. I ask him if he wants to talk upstairs or in my apartment. He’s not at home, so we agree he will come by when he’s back home. Zoi’s asleep as is Tempest, so I take the time to grade papers and start dinner. I see the birthday cake and champagne in the refrigerator and although Zoi didn’t call me I knew she wouldn’t forget. I had asked Mark to come by for dinner and I will go home with him after. I have yet to tell Dad or Zoi about the engagement.

  At around four, I hear Tempest and quickly put my books and papers away. I hunt in the fridge to see if there’s a bottle of breast milk already there for her. There isn’t one, so I check the pots and wait for Zoi to come out.

  “Nella, is that you?” she yells from the bedroom.

  “Yes,” I answer. After I pour her a glass of milk, I walk down the hall and into her room. It’s actually neat and tidy in here except for the bed which she just came out of.

  “How long have you been here?” she asks, taking the milk and drinking it as she feeds Tempest.

  “A little while. I started dinner and Mark will be here. How come you don’t have any breast milk in the refrigerator?”

  “I’m starting to supplement her. I go back to work in two months, so I need to wean her slowly,” she says.

  “I put the marinated chicken in the oven and the potatoes are cooking for salad, but I cook some rice anyway.”

  She smiles at me. “Happy birthday, Sis. You weren’t supposed to be here so early and you shouldn’t have started dinner, but thank you.”

  “I came to help with … you know … your little problem,” I say, using my fingers to show how little.

  “Nella, what if I can’t ever do it again?”

  “You will and I can almost guarantee that it will happen tonight.”

  “Did this happen to you before?”

  I reach out to play with Tempest’s hand and she stops sucking.

  “Stop playing with her. You know she won’t eat if you play with her. Answer me.”

  “Yes, but I’m not sure it’s the same. After both kids, I didn’t feel like I even liked Keith anymore and the idea of having sex with him was worse; but I didn’t feel as if I had a choice. I let him do it anyway even though I wasn’t feeling anything. It’s like my body had to get primed or something. My thought is that you may have to force yourself until you don’t have to anymore. It took a while for feeling to come back to my breasts too.”

  “I don’t want to pretend with Darnell. I love him too much for that and sometimes he’s so sensitive; I need him to know the real me.”

  “He knows the real you. He has not had any for what … four months and he hasn’t complained except to walk around looking like nobody loves him. Tonight, the plan is to just kiss him. No tongue at first, just lip kissing like you’re teenagers and do it for a long time. Then I will tell you when to stop.”

  “I really don’t want him to touch me. It’s like I know he’s looking for sex and it gets on my nerves.”

  “And thus the reason for doing it with me watching. Even if you feel repulsed just let him keep touching you; your body may remember his touch and override your brain.”

  “Then what?”

  “Then start again. If you’re so inclined, you can take it all the way. Just walk toward the bedroom and close the door. The idea is to let him touch you while you’re kissing and get noisy if you want to, so you can hear how you feel and how you’re making him feel in return.”

  “Hi,” Darnell says from the doorway with a big grin on his face.

  “Oh God, you’re the worst follower of instructions. You may never get laid again.”

  He sits on the bed beside me just grinning at Zoi.

  “The idea that I get to kiss you for a long time is driving me crazy. I left work early.”

  “It may not go anywhere,” Zoi says looking sympathetically at her husband.

  “I don’t care … well you know … I care … I want all of you, but I’ll take kissing if it’s all you have to give.”

  “Okay, since you’re here go take a shower and we’ll get started early,” I say to Darnell. “Zoi, when he’s done, do the same and lots of mouthwash, so there won’t be any excuses. Bring Tempest when you’re ready. I’ll be the one cooking in the kitchen.”

  Half an hour later, they show up and Zoi’s in a skirt which is smart thinking. I take Tempest and instruct Zoi where to sit. I ask Darnell to kneel between Zoi’s legs and begin. He hands her the gift box and her eyes light up.

  She slowly opens the box.

  “Oh my God!” she screams and I feel Tempest jump. Zoi’s teary eyes find mine and then back at Darnell.

  She holds his face and kisses him slowly and I know there will be no need for any further instructions. He picks her up and with her legs wrapped tightly around him and still clutching the box she feeds on Darnell’s mouth. He stumbles his way down the hall to their bedroom.

  Tempest is so overjoyed, she burps.

  “I think you’re about to have a little sister Tempie, and all it took was a little old ring.”

  I dance around the living room with Tempest and we laugh and dance until the timer goes off. I put her on the counter in her seat where she can see me as I work to get dinner ready. I set the table and glance at the time. It’s almost six o’clock. I smile big. I’m even better than Dr. Phil. I should find a new career.

  Someone knocks.

  I open the door and it’s Dad and Trudy.

  “Hi, come in,” I say to both of them.

  Dad kisses my cheek and hugs me. “Happy birthday, honey. Where’s Zoi?” he asks.

  “She and Darnell are in her bedroom,” I say as casually as possible. “And happy birthday to you too, Dad.”

  He kisses me again. “Thank you.”

  I carry Tempest and sit her on the coffee table in front of where Trudy is seated.

  “Tempest, please keep Trudy entertained while I get Dad to help me. Trudy, can I offer you a drink?”

  “Yes, please. Riding on the New York subway is an experience,” she says playing with Tempest’s hand.

  Dad takes her the drink and meets me in the kitchen.

  “Are they finally doing what I think they’re doing?”

  “I didn’t realize you knew.”

  “I didn’t know; I suspected. I thought it was because of me.”

  “No. Sometimes after a baby, our bodies scream ‘motherhood’ and the idea of sex is a big turn off.”

  “How’d it happen?”

  “I will let Zoi tell you.”

  The door knocks again and I let Mark in. He kisses me and I introduce him to Trudy. I see appreciation on his face for the way she looks and I grin and shake my head. Dad takes Mark a drink too. The three of them chat while I put the food on the table.

  I call Darnell’s cell. After five rings he answers.

  “Should we wait for both of you? Dinner is ready.”

  “Zo, you want dinner?” I hear him asking her. “We’ll be right there,” he says.

  “Just so you know everyone’s here.”

  “Okay, five minutes. Nella, happy birthday and thanks,” he says and I can tell it all worked out.

  Six minutes later, we’re all at the table and the food is actually good except the potato salad is warm. The conversation is about Trudy’s fright on the subway after the lights go out when the train stopped in the tunnel. She says she reached for her gun except she didn’t have it on her.

  During dinner but before the cake, Darnell raises his glass.

  “I would like to make a toast, first to my wife who I most certainly cannot live without. I love you, Zo.”

  She smiles. “I love you too.”

  “Cheers!” the rest of the table says.

  “And second to Ben, happy birthday man and many more. And to Nella, one of the smartest people I know except for when she isn’t. H
appy birthday, Nella, and congratulations to you and Mark.”

  “Nella, what’s the congratulations for?” Zoi asks, looking puzzled.

  “You didn’t tell them?” Mark asks, glaring at me.

  “Tell us what?” Dad asks sounding more British than ever.

  They all stare at me; but I just can’t help myself, so I blurt out, “I’m pregnant.”

  “What?” Mark asks louder than everyone else.

  I see their faces and now I’m annoyed.

  “I’m not pregnant, but so what if I was? You’re all acting as if I committed a crime or something.”

  “It’s just that we know how you feel about having more children. Quit stalling and tell us,” Zoi states.

  I stand and walk to where my books and bags are and grab the ribbon out of my bag. I walk back and hand it to Zoi.

  “Read it,” I command.

  She looks at me like I’m crazy, holds the ribbon out to its full length and then turns it over.

  “Nella, say you’ll marry me on this your birthday. I love you. Mark.” Zoi screams, “Oh my God! Did you say yes?”

  Mark’s face has a big grin and I nod continuously smiling big too.

  “Yes!” Zoi exclaims. I turn to Dad and he’s grinning. “May I see the ring?” Zoi asks. I put up my fingers and no ring’s in sight. “Mark, no ring?” she asks disappointed.

  “I’m saving it for the party. Now I know she won’t turn me down I will ask her publicly.”

  “Great idea,” Dad says raising his glass. “To Eunella and Mark, congratulations, I’m very, very happy for you both.”

  We all click glasses.

  “Zoi,” Trudy says in an enchanted voice, “that ring is gorgeous. May I see?” she asks, holding out her hand. Zoi stretches her right hand across the table with her face glowing. “Where did you get this? It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

  “It’s a gift from my husband,” she says and then moves her hand to Mark who indicates that he would like to see it too.

  “This is really exquisite,” Mark says, turning her hand over and then back. “A diamond rose ring. How many karats?” he asks Darnell.

  “I have no idea and I can’t take all the credit. Nella picked it out.”

  “Nella, well chosen,” Mark says, appearing to be impressed.

  The hand eventually moves to Dad.

  “Don’t be impressed. I didn’t pick it. My taste tends to be very simple and usually very inexpensive. Zoi, please tell them the story while I get the cake.”

  I leave her staring at her finger; at the ring that got her husband laid.

  “When I passed the bar, I was so excited I wanted to celebrate. Nella had helped me study my ass off and I was sure I failed because I was working fulltime along with raising the boys. When I found out I passed this was the only thing that could satisfy what I was feeling. Nella was the accountant in the family. When I showed up with it and she saw the price tag, she hit the ceiling. It was our first and only fight.”

  “Eunella made you take it back?” Dad asks with disbelief in his voice.

  “Yes and I cried for days. I felt I deserved it, but when Nella broke it down into how many books or what fraction of tuition the ring cost I had no choice. So at this moment, I appreciate this more than you can guess and even more so because Darnell gave it to me.”

  In the kitchen, she hugs me tightly. I spill the powdered formula I was about to use to prepare a bottle for Tempest.

  “Nella, I love you. If Mark doesn’t get you a really great ring, I will buy you the biggest diamond out there for giving me back my joy and this ring.”

  I hug her back.

  “I know I had no right to make you return it, but at the time it seemed frivolous. Did I apologize enough or should I do it again?”

  She kisses my cheek and pulls away. “You were right. Getting this ring today is the best thing that could have happened to me, and getting it from Darnell puts it over the top,” she says, taking the bottle away from me. “Go talk to Dad like you planned.”

  I sit at the table and feel Dad’s eyes on me. I’m not sure what Mark is thinking. When I turn to Dad, disappointment is clearly written on his face.

  I get angry. “You were not here and you have no right to judge me. At the time, I took my responsibility seriously and although we could’ve afforded the ring it was frivolous and an unnecessary luxury. You want to scream at me? Go right ahead.” I dare him with my eyes.

  He stares me down then looks past me, at Mark I assume. I’m ready to blast him too. He casts his eyes downward and I can almost read his mind. He’s thinking, ‘Let me change the subject before this gets out of hand.’

  “Dad, you have a right to be upset with me if that is what you feel,” I say in a calmer voice. “You weren’t here, but you supported us financially like no other father I know. You probably sent us most of your salary, so yes, you have a right to yell because your daughter deserved that ring and I, me, Eunella played a card that you disagree with; so go ahead and yell or ask me why I still love you in spite of what I remember.”

  “Eunella …” he says. I stop him by raising my hand.

  I spring to my feet feeling jumpy. I’m not sure where or how to begin.

  “Dad, what did you do for your job? What was your job title?”

  “Why do you need to know that?” he asks, leaning back in his chair trying his best to be himself, the observer, the quiet one.

  I turn to Trudy. “Was he a profiler, an interrogator or a person who they think could read people well?”

  We eyeball each other and she nods and says, “Yes.”

  “Was he good at it?”

  “Very good,” she says and I see that she can’t wait to find out what’s going on.

  “If I were to say he was a good listener, a guy who remains calm through the chaos, an observer or a guy with just the right timing, would you agree?”

  She looks at the table as if she’s thinking. She turns her eyes on him and then back to me.

  “Yes, that’s Ben.”

  I sit, reach out and take his hand. He squeezes my hands. I look up at his eyes and see beyond their color. I see me. I blink and look away.

  “When I was about eight, a woman in our village told me I was a special child. She said when I reached the age of ten I will come into my gift. She offered to help me understand it, but I wasn’t interested. Closer to my tenth birthday, she tried again and I understood enough to realize that I could have my one wish. The one wish I had was to see you again; so I imagined that it could happen, and I traded the gift of being a seer for seeing you again.

  “Thirty years ago today, I saw them torturing you, so I closed my eyes. My mind and body felt everything you were feeling. All I have ever wanted was to see you again and I got my wish. When the pain stopped I thought you were dead. When the government told Granny Nanny you were alive I hoped and prayed I would physically see you again.” I stop and move to stand behind him, drape my arms over his shoulders then bend and put my face next to his and cuddle him tightly.

  “You showed up and you’re alive. My pain came back, but you explained. I understand and I’m working my way through it. There was no way for you to know that those eyes you remembered when I was four will always love you no matter what.”

  Tears slide down his face as he holds my head next to his and we both sob. He loosens his hold on my neck. I let him go. He comes to his feet.

  “Eunella, I love you more than life and I am so sorry for what I said and did.”

  We hug and I whisper, “I love you too, Daddy.”

  “Nella?” Mark demands and I turn to him. “Ask you father about your mother.”

  I close my eyes. I really don’t want to.

  “Ask me what, Eunella?” Dad inquires, touching my shoulder.

  “I don’t want to bring up bad memories, Dad.”

  He pulls out the chair and we both sit on the same side of the table.

  “Ask me what you need t
o know.”

  “Do you know the details of mom’s death? Do you know something that I couldn’t or shouldn’t know?” We stare into each other’s eyes. He knows what I know. I look away. “Did you always know?” I ask him.

  He runs his hands through his silver hair.

  “When I first saw your mother I knew we would have a future together, but the fairytale way in which we met sounds like child’s play. When she was pregnant the last time things started happening to me. People’s lives would flash across my sub-conscious like a dream, except I wasn’t always asleep. I saw your mother dead, but she is right in front of me, pregnant and happy. I didn’t understand any of it. That day, I was anxious and holding you always seemed to calm me down.”

  He stands and paces.

  “When they told me she was dead, I lost my mind. I walked out of the hospital and went to collect you and Zoi from the neighbor’s. I didn’t even see her body. I couldn’t process the idea, the possibility that I would never hold her or speak to her again. It wasn’t until I came back to England ten years later that I found out what actually happened.”

  “What happened?” Zoi asks from somewhere behind me.

  “Sheron was carrying twins and one of them died very early in the pregnancy. She was a nurse and she had regular prenatal visits, but they never heard more than one heart beat. Somehow the two children were stuck to the sack and it created complications during delivery.”

  “Didn’t she have a sonogram?” Zoi asks.

  Dad shakes his head. “They didn’t foresee any difficulties. Sheron was twenty-seven years old and as far as they were concerned the baby was progressing normally.”

  “Ben, was there any way they could have saved her life if she had a sonogram?” Mark asks.

  “I guess so. I didn’t get into the what-if situations. Why are you asking?”

  Mark doesn’t answer and I assume they’re all looking at me. I keep my eyes on the table. Dad sits next to me.

  “Eunella, what do you know?”

  “I always knew about the babies,” I say slowly. I keep my eyes on the table. “A fortuneteller confirmed it and then told me a long time ago that there are twins in my future.”

  “Is that the reason why you don’t want any more children?”