TAKE ME as I am

by C Osborne, Laurina

  “My paycheck was directly deposited into the bank into our joint account and so was his. I used what I needed for the household, the bills etc. I never questioned what he spent once it wasn’t more than we had in the bank. If I needed anything for me personally, I bought it out of my own account. My Dad supported me and Zoi until I was almost twenty-six when I asked the British Government to stop sending the checks.”

  “You like to be in control.”

  “I like having control over my finances and I like knowing I’m pulling my weight.”

  “Nella, I’m asking you to move in with me. When you get here if you want to fire the cleaning lady, fine. If I know I’ll be sleeping beside you every night and waking up with you and coming home to you, we are even right there. Anything else is above and beyond.”

  I get up and pause then turn to leave.

  “Nella, we’re still talking. If you don’t agree tell me what you want.”

  “I want to ask you how much you earn, what you pay for mortgage, how much you still owe on the apartment and so forth; you know, all the questions a responsible woman would ask before she marries a man. But I’m here wondering if I ever kicked your shoes out of the way. I need to reconsider moving in with you. I need to think.”

  I walk up the stairs, down the hall, through the study, through the bedroom and into the bathroom. I close the door and sit on the toilet.

  Four hundred pound shoes, which is depending on the year, between five hundred and eight hundred dollars. My shoes are nice, but Zoi usually have to bend my arm or threaten me to pay anything over fifty bucks for a pair of shoes.

  His money will make my life easier. I like it here, but I don’t love it. It’s not mine; it’s his home.

  The doorknob turns and I look up from his bed-slipper feet to his sweatpants and slowly upward to his face.

  “I’m not twenty years old. I can’t pretend I don’t know. I have some beliefs that will be hard to just walk away from. We’re different and I’m an independent woman who stepped back twenty years in terms of salary. I’m not unhappy about it, but at this moment I’m not feeling so smart.”

  “Why?” he asks, leaning against the wall and crossing his legs.

  “If I was still at my old salary I would have a better chance of competing or at least feel as if I can move in, and if I don’t feel like paying my way you would have to assume that and nothing else.”

  “Okay, keep talking.”

  “I love you,” I moan as I close my eyes and put my hands over them. I take my hands down and snicker as I lean against the toilet tank. “I’m a simple woman. Yes, education is important to me. I like learning.” I shake my head. “The bracelet you gave me for my birthday, when I showed it to Zo, she asked me if I had any idea how much it cost. She didn’t tell me, but of course, every time I look at it I leave it in the box. In the three years that we went out, Leigh gave me one gift, a pair of earrings, and implied it cost a fortune. I lost one,” I say, touching my earlobe.

  “I was horrified because I treasured them. I dragged Zo early one Saturday morning to China town. I withdrew two hundred dollars hoping to God they didn’t cost more. It turned out they cost less than twenty-five dollars and I was so relieved I replaced them. I never worry when I wear them.”

  “You shouldn’t worry when you wear anything I give you.”

  “I know. You have insurance.”

  “Is that what Zoi told you?”

  I nod and he laughs.

  “But the idea that you could lose it would bring the world to an end, right?”

  I glare up at him. “I know I’m an arse,” I say, reverting back to the way people from some places in the Caribbean say ass. “Mark, I’ll move in with you on a trial basis because I’m … you know … quirky. At the end of the trial period, if it’s successful, we can resume the financial conversation toward getting married.”

  “What if we just got married and I take you as you are?”

  He’s kidding.

  I glare at him.

  Sometimes I don’t like him because he jumps from where I just got comfortable, all the way there.

  I lean forward and get off the toilet.

  “You need to leave now, please,” I say, showing him my displeasure. I open the door and show him out and this time I lock the door. I undress and step into the shower. I see Keith’s face, so I turn off the faucet. I step out naked and wet, and walk into the carpeted bedroom dripping. He’s sitting on the tufted sofa under the window across from the bottom of the bed.

  “Come take a shower with me,” I say to his shocked, starring face. I put out my hand to him and he takes it. In the bathroom I undress him and we shower together. I put my lips to his and very slowly make love to every inch of his body with the water beating down on us. I feel like the crazy girl, Ella, in his hotel room in Canada. When Mark whispers that I should turn around and bend over, I quickly comply. I step up on the side of the tub to compensate for his height and with the water spraying between us he enters me. As he begins to thrust I bend a little lower with my hands on the wall and as the momentum builds I feel the spray hit me there too and it’s a double sensation. I groan with pleasure and reach back to touch him making sure he’s having as much fun as me. When we both arrive at our destinations I can’t believe there is still so much out there for me to learn and enjoy. As we stand holding each other under the water, the affection I feel for him is overwhelming.

  I squeeze my eyes shut. The image of Keith raping me … in that way … flashes across my mind. Why didn’t I panic when Mark asked me to bend over? Why wasn’t I afraid he would take me that way too?

  I trust him.

  I trust him to love me and to never hurt me.

  Later when we lie in bed together, I wonder what else he has to teach me. He’s playing in my hair that’s getting curlier as it dries. I raise my head and look at his face.

  “When we get married our sex life will slowly crawl down the drain. Don’t you want to keep it like this?”

  He grins. “There is so much about positions that I have to teach you and I’m saving them until after we get married.”

  “In this age of the Internet all I have to do is search.”

  “The thing is, it’s always better if you’ve done it before.”

  “Are you sure? The woman does all the work, so maybe I will have a few things to teach you.”

  We’re gazing at each other. I touch my lips to his.

  “I love you so much,” he says. “I will make any adjustment I must to keep you. The thing about my parents that keeps me respecting them is that they have always been reasonable. I’m a reasonable man. I want you and need you in my life, so if you don’t want to get engaged or married yet I will wait.”

  “That’s the thing about men,” I say, looking down at his chest as I play with his hair. “They work overtime to talk a woman into something and just when she sees the validity of his argument he changes his mind.”

  “Nella?”

  I look deep into his eyes. “Will you marry me, Mark, as soon as we both can?”

  His eyes are going back and forth all over my face. He can’t believe what he’s hearing.

  “Is that a no?” I ask, grinning.

  He kisses me and it’s wet and sloppy. I pull away and wipe my mouth. I hate wet, sloppy kisses unless I’m so into it I can’t tell the difference.

  “Nella, I’ll marry you tomorrow if you want me to,” he says, as I wipe his mouth too. “The answer is yes. What happened today to change your mind?”

  “Today I learned that life is short and I want to be happy for the rest of however long I have. Mark, I want to be with you and if marrying me will make you happy it will make me happy too.” I lay my head on his chest. “I want to be here with you.”

  I’m having a really good dream and Zoi keeps calling me. I wave at her and keep doing what I’m doing except it isn’t the same as before and the fun I was experiencing is gone.

  “Nella, wake up!” sh
e yells and I jump out of my sleep.

  “Damn, Zoi. You’re still a pain in the ass about waking someone up.”

  “And you’re still a pain in the ass when you don’t want to get up,” she declares.

  I fall face down on my pillow. It’s Saturday for God’s sake and I’m in Mark’s apartment. I turn my head to his side of the bed and he’s gone. I turn back to Zoi.

  “Why are you here so early?” I ask, blinking my eye lids rapidly.

  “We have an early appointment to get our hair and nails done,” she says as if it’s something we always do.

  “Oh God, Zo, I really don’t want a weave and I can do my nails myself.”

  “I should make you get a weave, but no, it’s my birthday treat to you; so let’s go.”

  I turn over and sit up. Mark’s at the threshold grinning.

  “Did you know she was coming? You could’ve warned me,” I say, rubbing my eyes.

  “And miss this, the two of you interacting on opposite sides? I never get to see that.”

  Zoi reaches out, pulls my short hair and make a face as if it’s dirty or smells. I use my hand to knock hers away and drop back under the covers. She quickly yanks them off and proceeds to pull me out of the bed.

  “How long is this going to take, Zo?” I whine and she shoves me into the bathroom without answering.

  Half an hour later when I show up downstairs they’re talking like old friends at the breakfast table. I give them the evil eye and pour a cup of coffee. Zoi actually brought fresh bagels and I immediately change my attitude. I find some jelly and plop down at the table. I smile at Zo and mouth, “I’m sorry,” to her. I listen to them talk and I finally get that this party tonight is in no way a casual get-together.

  I glare at Zoi and yell, “What did you do? I thought I told you as casual as possible. Why are you two talking about inspecting the hall?”

  “Nella, this is not just about you. It’s Dad’s birthday too. He invited a lot of his friends, so it got big, and he wanted it to be nice.”

  I turn my eyes on Mark.

  “Yell at your father. We didn’t tell you because you would behave like a deer in headlights.”

  “I told my friends it was casual. We were going to have a good time, you know, just hanging out and spending time together without me being in the kitchen.” The disappointment I’m feeling should be obvious to both of them.

  “I cleared up the casual part with your friends and you’ll have a good time,” Zoi says examining my face. “Nella, it’ll be a great party and like you said no kitchen duty for you. So finish your coffee and let’s go.”

  “Who’s doing my hair? I hate cussing so early in the morning.”

  “Marva,” she says as I take the dishes to the kitchen.

  “Good, then all we have to talk about is why she has to cut it.”

  “Maybe you shouldn’t cut it this time,” Mark says shyly. “How long have you worn it short?”

  “Fifteen years!” I exclaim bursting into laughter.

  “Do not remind me. Maybe two weeks after she got here she chopped it off. I cried. I cursed God too. He gave Nella great hair and she never had any idea what to do with it.”

  “Why did you cut it?” Mark asks.

  “I remember the look on the barber’s face. He spoke more Spanish than English and he swore my husband was going to leave me when he saw how I cut off my beautiful hair.”

  I stop laughing and give Mark a serious look.

  “I needed to change my life. I had some rough years coming up and going to the salon for five hours was out of the question.”

  The absolute truth is I was never going to get caught that way ever again. I still felt Keith pulling my hair when he assaulted me.

  “Five hours?” Mark asks pulling me back as he glares at Zoi.

  “Your mother is black, right?” Zoi asks him.

  “Yes, but I don’t think she spends five hours getting her hair done.” He laughs. “She never lets my Dad touch it.”

  “That’s the first big fight Darnell and I had. The Christmas party was coming up at the firm and the dress I was wearing needed fuller hair for the image I was trying to project. I got a weave and I … looked … mad hot. That night he proceeded to try to run his hand through it. I scream so loudly at him that even now he proceeds with caution. When I move my head away from him he knows to keep his hands to himself.”

  “You have a lot of hair and I like it. Why do you need a weave?”

  “I don’t need a weave; I want one. Some occasions call for one. That’s one of the drawbacks to being married to a white man. You all have difficulty understanding that this is not wash-n-wear hair, no sex in the shower unless it’s planned and I do the planning.”

  Mark glances up at me and smiles. “Cut it. I even like it curly.”

  We both laugh remembering last night. I bend and kiss his cheek.

  “I’ll see you around five. I know my sister and I’m sure she will drag me to spend money I don’t have on a new outfit I don’t need.”

  He stands, holds my hands and we kiss.

  “Try to have fun. I love you,” he whispers and hugs me.

  At the salon, I sit and wait. Marva’s already juggling three heads, so I don’t fuss because Zoi’s hair will take a while. She has a lot of hair and needs a touchup and a rinse. The only concern is that Marva tends to ignore me because my process doesn’t take quite as long. When she calls me after forty minutes, I’m surprised. She puts her arm around my shoulders and guides me to where Zoi is sitting getting her relaxer put in.

  “So what we doing?” she asks Zoi.

  “Keep it short in the back and lighten up the color a little bit. Hot curl the top going as far back as you can.”

  “How about the sides, take it off like she likes it or curl that too? It’ll be pretty curled.”

  I look at both of them wondering if I’m mute or deaf. Elsie, who is doing Zoi’s hair, adds her two cents and I shake my head and follow Marva back to her station.

  “Le’ me see de colo,” I say to her in patois.

  “Look at me,” she says with meanness in her voice. “A’ve bin doin’ dis fe years and tiday you goin’ av to truss me,” she demands in patois which is even meaner.

  I look past her to Zoi and she’s pointing her finger at me. The only thing left to do is suck my teeth really loud, which is what I do.

  The hair salon takes four hours and then the nails, toes and eyebrows take another two. It wasn’t all wasted because I came up with material for my next column for Paul’s magazine.

  After trying on ten dresses, I’m at the point at which I just don’t care which one I end up with, and of course it’s easier to go along with Zoi. We end up at home in Brooklyn and I’m afraid to ask what the plan is. Since Tempest is asleep I take the time to call Mark and it’s too noisy to hear him clearly, so we cut the call short. I call Dad to see if it would be a good time for me to come home, but he too is out in the streets.

  I sneak downstairs to grab a few things. The boys are here and not so surprisingly Kaitlin is present. I greet her warmly and wonder when this most dreaded conversation will take place. Neither of them can win with her parents, but love is always worth fighting about.

  They comment favorably on my new hairstyle and I work my way into the kitchen to check the fridge to make sure they have enough to eat. I ask about their laundry, at which point Zander runs to the laundry room and I follow him. I help him fold what’s in the dryer and show him where some new undershirts are located in case he doesn’t get to his whites. I leave and head back upstairs with the intention of going back to Mark’s.

  “Zo, I’m leaving,” I say to her back as she opens the fridge.

  “Why? You’re getting dressed here. Mark doesn’t expect you back. You are mine for the day.”

  “How come the two of you think you can run my life? It would’ve been nice if you had discussed it with me.”

  “If we had, nothing that we did today would�
�ve happened. Come eat with us.”

  I grab a plate from the kitchen and pull up a chair at the table.

  “Have you decided to move in with him?” Darnell asks as if it was the topic of conversation.

  “I think you two have bigger problems than whether I will move in with Mark or not.”

  “I don’t think so,” Zoi says with her mouth full. “Dad gave me his rent check for next month.”

  “What? How did he know how much to give you?” I ask Zoi.

  “He asked me a while back about the cost of rent in the building. I told him and also that you and I pay what we believe to be cost to cover all future expenses. He didn’t ask how much that was. When he gave me the check I told him what we pay and he refused to take it back.”

  “Can he afford rent, Zo?”

  She chuckles loudly. “Have you noticed the quality of Dad’s clothes and his shoes? His belt costs more than my car note,” she says pretty confidently.

  “Did you know this?” I ask Darnell, trying to find someone at least as dumb as me.

  “Not until Zo pointed it out.”

  “Is there something wrong with me? Mark said Dad’s shoes cost four hundred pounds. I would never have guessed.”

  “How much is four hundred pounds?” Darnell asks.

  “About six hundred dollars,” Zoi adds.

  “Damn, Babe if I came home in a six hundred-dollar pair of shoes what would you do?” Darnell asks Zoi.

  “Take you to Bellevue, ‘cause I know you crazy.”

  “That would be crazy,” he echoes. “The idea that my shoes cost that much would mean I’d have to hurt some people if they step too close to me.”

  “I know what you mean. After I told Mark I would move in with him I had to think about it. He has a pair of shoes like Dad’s and I keep wondering if I kicked it out of the way at any time. I think that would be considered abuse of some kind,” I say seriously.

  “Nella, you’re going to have a hard time adjusting. You need to stop thinking about what things cost. If you like something you like it, if you don’t you don’t.”

  “It will take a while, Zo. Jewelry just never mattered that much to me. Now, if I get mugged on the train I will have to think about whether I should fight or give it up.”