Death's Doorway

by Crin Claxton

  Nobody answered. Maya gave it a minute and pressed again. She tried calling Jade’s mobile, but it just rang out.

  Maya had turned to go when Jade’s voice came out of the little speaker on the panel.

  “Who is it?”

  Jade sounded croaky and confused. Maybe she’d just woken up.

  “It’s Maya,” Maya said brightly, pleased that Jade was in. “I was just passing. Have you got time for a coffee?”

  “I don’t like coffee.”

  “Oh. Oh yes, I remember, you’ve gone off coffee. Well, it doesn’t have to be coffee. Have you got five minutes?”

  “I’m busy.”

  Jade’s voice was matter-of-fact. She hardly sounded like Jade at all.

  “Well, maybe we could meet tomorrow?”

  Jade didn’t answer. Maya didn’t know what to do.

  Maya thought she heard another voice. It was more in the background.

  “Come away, honey. Give me the phone.”

  It sounded like Suni, but not like Suni. Maybe the intercom was making everyone sound strange. Maya wanted to see Jade even more than ever, but she couldn’t force her way in. Jade could be in the middle of anything. She could be having a hot scene with Suni. Or they could be having a row. There were lots of potential reasons why Jade might not want a visitor. Maya pressed the buzzer again.

  This time there was no reply.

  Maya waited another five minutes, pressing the buzzer twice more, but no one spoke.

  Maya began walking back to the Tube. Something didn’t feel right to her, but she remembered what Tony had said. Maybe Tony was right that Jade just wanted to be left alone, and Maya was looking for problems. After all, Maya didn’t know Jade that well. Perhaps Tony could throw some light on it all.

  *

  Jade’s skin itched. It felt like something was under her skin. The buzzer went again. Jade shut her eyes against the noise.

  “Come away from it. If it’s bothering you so.” Suni’s voice was soothing. She took Jade’s hand and pulled her away from the door, back into the living area.

  “It never stops,” Jade said.

  “I know.” Suni was comforting and kind. “Drink this.”

  Jade took the cup of herb tea. She couldn’t stand coffee or ordinary tea anymore. They tasted bitter. She’d gone off milk, and meat, and bread tasted like cardboard, even the good bread. Jade’s tongue felt thick and like it was coated with something horrible. Suni said she was dehydrated. She wanted Jade to drink lots of water.

  The buzzer went again.

  “Why don’t they leave me alone?” Jade half sobbed. It had been the same with her phone. They had been ringing her all the time, whoever they were. She didn’t know them. They were unknown contacts. The texts had begged her to call them. Jade shook her head, trying to clear her mind. Why would she call someone she didn’t even know? Didn’t they know they were unknown?

  “Don’t worry. Lie down.” Suni was the only one Jade could rely on. Everyone else was back home, and they never wrote anymore. Jade had a horrible feeling they were all dead. Somebody had died. Jade struggled to remember.

  “Tony…” Was it Tony?

  “Don’t think about that now. You’ll only upset yourself.”

  Suni was real. But she changed sometimes. Jade couldn’t trust her own senses. Things moved about. Her stuff moved all the time. It got lost and then it reappeared. The cup of tea in her hand, she didn’t dare put it down because it might not be there when she went to pick it up.

  “You are a real mess, girlfriend.”

  Jade could see Suni, and touch her and feel her. She was definitely real. Jade had a voice going on and on in her head, and that scared her. Sometimes the voice didn’t talk for ages and then it wouldn’t stop talking.

  “You’re losing it, girl.”

  That was her now. It wasn’t Suni because Suni’s lips weren’t moving.

  “You’ve got more in common with me than I thought. What Suni sees in crazy black women, I don’t know. Must be her trip.”

  Jade didn’t want to hear voices. She knew that was not a good sign.

  “She seems happy that you’re a mess. Look at her. Reading her magazine with a smug smile while you sit there shaking, dropping your tea all over the sofa.”

  Jade looked down. There were spots of herbal tea on her pajama trousers and on the sofa cushions. She glanced at Suni. She did have a smile on her face. Jade tried to work out if it was smug or not. Suni put her magazine down.

  “You look washed out. Why don’t you go lie down?”

  Jade felt exhausted. Maybe if she had a nap she could shake the cotton wool out of her head.

  Suni sat beside her. She ran a finger along Jade’s cheek. Jade relaxed into Suni’s touch.

  “Honey, I’m worried about you.”

  Jade opened her eyes. Suni’s brow was creased. Her eyes were soft with concern. “Why do I feel like this?” Jade wanted to cry. She couldn’t draw up the tears and didn’t have the energy. Why did she feel so sad?

  She remembered that someone had died. Who? Maybe Suni knew. “Is Tony…” Jade couldn’t bring herself to say the words.

  Suni took her hand and held it tightly. “Don’t upset yourself. Tony and Maya have gone. You’re okay now.”

  Jade felt sick. Tony and Maya? What terrible thing had happened? And why couldn’t Jade remember?

  *

  Maya heard Tony’s key in the door as she was setting out a tray of olives, roasted seeds, and the highly salted, full fat crisps that Tony loved so much.

  She had been waiting for Tony to get home from the theater so she could talk to her about Jade. She went through to Tony’s sitting room and put the tray on the coffee table next to her wine glass and a bottle of beer. Tony walked into the room with a beaming smile. She looked excited. She wrapped her arms around Maya and pulled her close for a smooch.

  Maya lost herself in the kiss, loving the feel and smell of Tony. Tony’s tongue slipped between Maya’s lips, quickening Maya’s pulse. Maya kissed her back, hard. She was deep into the new relationship. Tony had claimed a piece of her heart. Tony sure is a hot and sexy woman.

  “Shall we just go straight to bed?” Tony mumbled into Maya’s lips.

  Maya was tempted. Her body definitely wanted to, they hadn’t had proper sex for days, but Jade was on Maya’s mind.

  “Shall we have a drink and a catch up first?” Maya asked.

  Tony looked down at her with a quizzical expression. “Okay.”

  When they were both seated on Tony’s sofa, Maya took a moment to let Tony have a swig of beer and a handful of snacks. Maya threaded her fingers through Tony’s and opened her mouth to speak.

  “I saw Deirdre tonight,” Tony said.

  Maya collected herself. She rearranged her face. “Oh?”

  “Yes. I called her. I did it. She said I wasn’t shrieking or shouting. She heard me and came. God, Maya, I wish you could see her sometimes. You wouldn’t believe the outfit she had on today.”

  Maya shut her eyes. She wanted to listen to the minutiae of Tony’s day, but she couldn’t focus on anything but Jade. She’d been waiting to talk to Tony for hours.

  “Honey—”

  “Just a minute, Maya, that wasn’t what I was trying to tell you. Deirdre agrees with me. I knew there was something fishy about that Frankie White case.”

  Maya blinked. She hadn’t a clue what Tony was going on about.

  “I thought you’d solved th—”

  “I never really felt it was solved,” Tony interrupted.

  Maya bit her lip. She tried never to interrupt someone. It was the height of rudeness. Tony barged through life like a bull in a china shop. Maya often found the inherent honesty charming, but not when she was trying to have a proper conversation.

  “Are you thinking about something else? I’m trying to talk to you here,” Tony said sharply.

  Maya lifted her hand off Tony’s knee and took a bigger gulp of wine than she meant to.
<
br />   “This stuff’s important to me.” Tony sounded hurt.

  Maya met Tony’s eyes. “Yes, I know,” she said. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m not focusing on what you’re saying. That’s because—”

  “Exactly! That’s what you go on about all the time. You really should take a dose of your own medicine. Or walk your talk. Or walk a mile in someone else’s moccasins.”

  “How is walking in someone else’s moccasins relevant?” Maya snapped.

  “I don’t know. I’ve never really understood it, but it’s one of those things you say. Anyway, it’s not nice, is it? Someone having a go at you when you’re just having a thought inside your own head for a minute. And not giving someone one hundred percent attention ALL the time.”

  Maya stared at Tony while the words settled around her.

  “Wow,” she said after a few moments. “You think I want you to give me your attention a hundred percent of the time?”

  Tony looked down at her fingernails. “I guess that was a bit harsh.” Her voice was conciliatory.

  “Tony, a lot of people don’t listen properly. They think they’re listening, but really they’re just thinking about what they want to say next. That’s what I was doing. You’re right to call me on it.” Maya took Tony’s hand in hers.

  “Really?” Tony squeezed back. She smiled tentatively.

  “Yeah, really. I was thinking about Jade. I’m really worried about her.” It felt good to finally speak her fears. A cloud flashed over Tony’s face. “I know what you said the other day,” Maya rushed on. “I heard what you said, Tony, and I’m thinking about it. Honestly I am. Maybe I am hypersensitive about mental health issues. But you should have heard Jade today.”

  “You saw Jade today?”

  “No. That’s just it. She wouldn’t let me in.”

  Tony’s eyebrows knitted together. “What do you mean?”

  “I went to the marina. Jade wouldn’t let me through the gate.”

  Tony frowned harder. “You just turned up and she wouldn’t let you in?” Tony spoke roughly.

  Maya flinched. “Yes,” she said more sharply than she meant to. “Like I asked you to do. Days ago.”

  Tony folded her arms.

  There it was, that stone wall that Tony threw up so well. “Don’t you want to hear how Jade sounded?” Maya asked. She didn’t get why Tony was so unconcerned about someone she called her best friend.

  “Will you stop seeing problems everywhere,” Tony said through gritted teeth.

  “Tony, get your head out of your butt. You can’t ignore stuff all the time.”

  Tony clenched her fists. “What do you mean? Ignore what?” Tony looked haunted.

  Maya stared at her. “Tony?”

  Tony’s eyes filled with tears.

  “Tony, what is it?” Maya made her voice as gentle as possible.

  Tony was breathing fast. “Jade shouldn’t have had to rescue me. It was pathetic,” she said.

  “What?” Maya was so taken aback she shook her head. “Are you talking about that night, on the council estate?”

  Tony nodded. She was trembling.

  “What were you supposed to do? There were four of them,” Maya said.

  “I should have sorted it. I shouldn’t need rescuing.” Tony folded her arms and pushed out her shoulders.

  “You help people all the time. You kept rescuing me, last year, if you remember?” Maya wasn’t sure why they were talking about this at all, but she stayed with it.

  “That’s different.”

  Maya searched Tony’s eyes. “So it’s okay for you to rescue people but not for people to help you, is that it?”

  Tony shrugged. “Yes. No. Oh, I don’t know,” she said impatiently. She sounded frustrated. Maya knew Tony sometimes had problems getting her words out.

  “What if it had been me? Or Jade? Would you have expected us to get ourselves out of that situation?”

  Tony thought about it. “No,” she said quickly. “No. But I would have helped you. If Jade had come straight to me, we could have sorted it together. But she didn’t. She went to that other boy. She left me there.” Tony stopped talking. She stared grimly ahead for a minutes. “She left me there with those bastards.”

  Tony was rigid. Maya touched her hand gently.

  Tony jumped and snatched her hand away.

  “Tony, what is it you’re not telling me? What happened?” Maya spoke softly. She wanted to pull Tony into her arms but didn’t want to touch her in case that made Tony feel worse.

  Tony sat absolutely still for several minutes. Maya sat beside her, giving Tony space.

  When Tony spoke, her voice was calm and unemotional. “I can feel him breathing into my neck from behind, saying what he was going to do to me.”

  “Do you want to tell me?”

  “No.”

  “Maybe it would help. Get it out of you,” Maya said.

  “No. It wasn’t just him, though. They all said what they wanted to do. They made it sound like it was going to happen.”

  “Did anything else happen?”

  “Yes. He pressed into me. He was hard. I can still feel that in my back. I don’t ever want to feel that again. Ever. He put his hands on me. I want to kill him. I want to beat him and beat him until he falls to the ground, and then I want to stamp on him. I want to grind my boot into his groin.”

  Maya didn’t say anything. She let the words resonate.

  A tear ran down Tony’s cheek. She snatched it away. Tony’s vulnerability was obvious and raw. Maya’s heart melted and she felt absolutely awful. She’d been pushing and pushing Tony.

  Tony bit her lip. “I feel so stupid.”

  Maya held her arms out.

  Tony came to her then. She was tense for a moment. Then she relaxed. Maya pressed her lips against the top of Tony’s head.

  “I was scared,” Tony whispered.

  Tony’s body tensed again.

  “Don’t talk anymore. It’s okay.” Maya held Tony gently, like a child. “You’re safe now, my darling. I’m here.”

  Chapter Eight

  Tony stretched in bed. For the first time in days, she felt okay. She still felt uncomfortable if she thought about the gang incident, but that was nothing compared to the sick pit of her stomach feeling she’d had before.

  Maya was already up and out. Tony turned in bed, enjoying the crisp, fresh feel of the sheets. Maya had changed the bed the night before, while Tony had taken a bath.

  Tony felt a surge of love for Maya. The woman was not only wise but wonderful.

  It was Tony’s day off. She would go and see Jade. Tony felt bad that she had blamed Jade. What had Maya called it? Transference. Whatever, Tony needed to tell Jade what had happened on that night.

  Tony doubted there was anything wrong with Jade. She thought Jade was preoccupied with her new relationship. She’d probably been miffed with Tony at first, and then just got distracted. Tony was sure they’d sort everything out, especially when she came clean about why she’d been distant.

  Tony wasn’t surprised Maya was looking for problems. She’d missed her own uncle’s dysfunctional behavior. That would make anyone paranoid.

  The air in front of Tony’s wardrobe went hazy. Tony pulled the sheet up around her as Deirdre appeared. She was wearing a shapeless blue denim pinafore dress over a dull yellow shirt, and flat brown shoes.

  “I may regret asking, but what are you wearing now?” Tony asked.

  “I’m dressing appropriately, as you will see. You can come through now,” Deirdre called.

  The air next to her flickered and slowly became an old white man in a black uniform, white shirt, black tie, and black cap. He stared dispassionately down at Tony.

  “Excuse me, Deirdre! What are you thinking of? Bringing a man into my bedroom.” Tony wrapped the sheet as closely around her as she could, trying not to think about how naked she was.

  “I’ve seen hundreds of women in bed. Most of them look just like you,” the old man s
aid. He had a calm, quiet voice with a London accent. He was medium height, of slight build with a thin face. His gray hair was cut close. His complexion was a dull pink. His uniform was neatly pressed.

  “What does that even mean?” Tony squeaked.

  “You are so slow sometimes,” Deirdre said with haughty disdain. “Haven’t you got it yet? Who am I? Come on, you must know.”

  Tony stared at the unflattering outfit, topped with a shoulder length, wavy, ginger wig. “Princess Fiona from Shrek?”

  Deirdre pursed her lips. “I won’t dignify that with an answer. Clearly, I am Bea Smith from Prisoner Cell Block H.”

  “Really? I’ve only seen a couple of rerun episodes. Who is Bea Smith?”

  “You don’t know Prisoner Cell Block H and you call yourself a lesbian? Bea Smith is the top dog of the Australian drama set in a woman’s prison. It was all the rage among lesbians of my time. They loved the practically all-female cast, and didn’t seem to mind the quite frankly frightening costumes.”

  “I’m too young for Prisoner Cell Block H. Bad Girls was more my time.”

  “Oh, I see. Well, you should check it out. Surprisingly good viewing. If you look closely you can see the sets wobble.”

  “Fine. Is that what you dropped in to tell me, you and your guest?” Tony nodded toward the old man, standing shoulders back. “Oh. Is that what you are, a prison guard?”

  He dipped his head in a yes. “The penny had to drop eventually. Just as well we’ve got nothing but time, eh, Deirdre?”

  Deirdre laughed. “Nothing but time. Even so, that’s fifteen minutes of my death I’ll never get back thanks to you and your slow wits,” she said pointedly to Tony.

  “Do you have to be so rude? And can you go in the other room? I want to get out of bed.”

  “Because you’re naked?” Deirdre asked.

  “Yes, because I’m naked.”

  “I’ve seen hundreds of women naked. Hundreds. In the showers. Most of them look like you.”

  “I don’t care,” Tony snapped. “And why do you keep saying that they look like me?”

  “There’s a lot of lesbians in prison; that’s what he means,” Deirdre said.