Spinning Out Of Control

by Vickie McDonough

  Micah rubbed the back of his neck. Missy was his daughter, not Miss Rogers’s. Why hadn’t she told him that first night? Not that he’d given her a chance. He could still remember how her face had paled when he told her to leave his home. And she hadn’t left yet—even after three days.

  As if in betrayal, his stomach rumbled at the fragrant odors of ham frying and bread baking. He didn’t want to like her cooking. And he’d never tell a soul that it was much better than Kathryn’s. At that thought, grief washed over him anew.

  Turning, he sat on the stump that he used for chopping wood. He twisted the ax head, making little circles in the dirt. Why hadn’t Kathryn told him she was with child? He’d asked himself that question a hundred times.

  He hadn’t even held his daughter yet. He couldn’t bring himself to touch her. It wasn’t her fault her mother died in childbirth, but still, he felt no connection with the baby. Perhaps if he’d been here when she was born and had heard her first cry. For all he knew, Missy could be an orphan Miss Rogers had taken in. But that kind of thinking was just plain dumb.

  “ ’Bout time you took yo’self a rest.” Micah looked up to see Jonah shuffling toward him. “You been downright hard on yo’self ever since you come home.”

  Micah huffed a breath. “Not hard enough by half.”

  “Now don’t you be blamin’ yo’self for what happened to Miz Kathryn.” Jonah shook his head, leaned against his cane, and eyed him with a narrowed gaze.

  Micah fought the urge to squirm like a schoolboy. “Why not? It is my fault. I should have been here with her.”

  “No, it ain’t. Miz Amy, she done felt the same way, but the doctor told her it weren’t her fault. Weren’t nothin’ she could’a done that she didn’t do.”

  Ben had told him the same thing, but it still didn’t soothe Micah. He couldn’t help wondering if Miss Rogers—as he now knew her to be—had done all she could to save Kathryn. There was no point thinking that way since she had no reason not to help his wife. And as young as she looked, she probably had never attended a birthing before.

  “The Lawd moves in strange ways sometimes. We cain’t know how come He took Miz Kathryn home to be with Him.”

  Micah stood and set a log on the tree stump. “I don’t want to hear that, Jonah.” He still couldn’t understand why a loving God would allow his wife to die and leave behind a newborn babe. Ever since he’d become a Christian four years ago, he had faithfully served God. Why did God desert him in his time of need?

  Jonah lifted a gnarled hand. “ ’Member back when you done buyed me and set me free? Well, I couldn’t understand that. How come God used you to free me and leave behind all them other colored folks?”

  Micah shook his head. “I can’t explain it. I just did what I thought God told me to do.”

  “You sure could’a used that money fo’ somethin’ else.”

  Micah laid his hand on the old man’s shoulder. “You’ve been a good friend to me, Jonah. I’ve never regretted helping you. After all, you helped me become a stronger Christian. I just wish I knew how to handle this situation.”

  Glancing up, Micah saw an eagle soaring high in the sky. It drifted behind a cloud and disappeared for a moment, then came back into view. Behind him, birds dueled each other in song, and afar off he heard one of his mules braying. Life went on. But not Kathryn’s. It wasn’t fair.

  “We’s all gotta learn to fly above the storms like that eagle.”

  Micah glanced down at Jonah and saw that the old man gazed upward, his countenance glowing. Jonah knew how to soar above his problems. The man was always happy and spouting something about God, even though he couldn’t read the Bible.

  He’d learned a lot from the old black man and would forever be grateful. Still, this was the toughest trial he’d encountered since he gave his heart to God. He wasn’t sure his faith could withstand the assault. A man never expects he might one day be a widower with two young children to raise before he turns twenty-five.

  Micah raised the ax and brought it down with a swift stroke. Half of the log spiraled down to the ground and the other half stood in place.

  “You gonna let Miz Amy stay? She ain’t got no place to go.” Jonah peeked up at him from the corner of his eye.

  Sure, go ahead and heap on more guilt.

  “Why doesn’t she have a home? She’s rather young to be on her own.” He moved the half section to the center of the stump.

  Jonah shook his cane, as he often did when riled. “Her no-good pappy up and died. Left her with his gamblin’ debts. After she done sold their house, there was barely ’nough left to get her here.”

  “How come she came here?”

  “Weren’t nowhere else fo’ her to go.” Jonah rubbed his thumb and forefinger together. “We’s her only kinfolk. Family should stay together.”

  Micah heaved a sigh. He didn’t want to think about what the ex-slave hinted at. The truth was he needed Miss Rogers to care for the children, though he didn’t want to need her. And he’d never forget her big brown eyes shining with tears when he’d told her she’d have to leave. Now he understood why she had been so reluctant. . .she had nowhere else to go.

  He sliced the log in half again then tossed it in the thigh-high pile. He might as well let her stay. She was a decent cook, kept the house looking better than he’d seen it in ages, and she loved his children. That much was obvious in the way she hugged Beth, fixed her hair, and tried to keep the little rascal clean.

  And she was so gentle with Missy. Even though the wet nurse kept the baby fed, Amy was always holding the child in one arm and working with the other.

  Missy.

  He had yet to hold his daughter. It didn’t seem like she belonged to him. He never got to watch Kathryn’s stomach swell or feel the unborn babe kick his hand. He’d missed so much.

  “You gonna stand there a lollygaggin’ all day, or you gonna answer me?”

  Micah blinked at Jonah. “What?”

  “I asked if you gonna let Miz Amy stay.” Jonah lifted his eyebrows, showing Micah the whites of his eyes.

  For the first time since coming home, he nearly chuckled. The little old man barely reached Micah’s shoulders, and he didn’t look one bit ferocious—just bug-eyed. Micah deliberately grabbed another piece of wood, waiting for Jonah to start shaking his cane again. For some reason, it always tickled him.

  Without fail, the old man shifted his weight and lifted his walking stick in the air. “Now you listen here. You needs to do the Christianly thing. The Bible says—”

  “She can stay.” Micah grinned at the surprised look on his friend’s face, which turned into a wide, gap-toothed smile.

  “I knowed you’d do the right thing.”

  ❧

  From her spot beside the cabin, Amy barely kept from clapping her hands and squealing. He was letting her stay!

  She backed around the corner of the cabin and did a little jig. Perhaps all her hard work cleaning and cooking her best foods had paid off. Not that she was trying to sway him.

  She stilled and looked into the nearby woods. Or perhaps he just wanted a servant that he didn’t have to pay for. Disappointment strangled her joy. Perhaps Micah Walsh knew when he had a good thing.

  But then, why did it matter, as long as she had a roof over her head and food. That’s all she needed. The affection she received from Beth and Missy was a bonus. And Ben and Jonah liked her. She’d just have to stay out of Micah Walsh’s way and try to please him with her work.

  Peeking around the corner again, she saw Jonah hobble off and disappear around the other side of the cabin. Mr. Walsh picked up a giant log with one hand, set it on the stump, then lifted the ax over his head and whacked the wood in half. His long, dark brown hair flipped down over his eyes, but he brushed it back then tossed the firewood in his ever-growing pile. With the weather warming, she couldn’t figure out why he thought they needed so much fuel. She pressed her hand to her chest. Did he perhaps think she used too much firewood?


  His cotton shirt stretched tight against his shoulders as he reached for another log. Once he’d cleaned up and shaved, she realized her cousin’s husband was a fine looking man.

  He swiped his forehead with his sleeve then began unbuttoning his shirt. Amy touched her hands to her warm cheeks and stepped back. Shame on her. She had no business spying on Micah Walsh. For three days, she’d despised him and thought him an ogre for telling her to leave. Each day, she expected him to force her to go, but he hadn’t. Perhaps he was still shocked at finding out Missy was his daughter.

  “Mama! I’m hungwy.”

  “Oh!” She’d completely forgotten why she’d come outside until she heard Beth’s call. Straightening her apron, she plowed around the corner and ran straight into a solid wall of sweaty flesh.

  “Watch it—” Micah Walsh’s calloused hands grabbed her upper arms at the same time her hands landed against his damp, unbuttoned long johns top.

  “L­–Let me go.” She jerked her hands back.

  “Whoa. Hold your horses.” He step back and raised his hands in surrender. “I was just trying to steady you.”

  Amy hiked up her chin. “I’m perfectly steady. Thank you very much.” She folded her arms to hide her trembling hands. “I—I just wanted to tell you dinner is ready. Could you please tell Ben?” Without waiting for an answer, she turned and started back to the front of the cabin.

  “Wait. There’s something I need to tell you.”

  Amy halted at the soft rumble of his smooth, deep voice. Had he changed his mind about letting her stay? She closed her eyes and took a strengthening breath before turning. Already, he had buttoned his shirt and put his hat back on.

  His lips tightened as if he didn’t like what he was about to say. Amy’s heart nearly stopped beating. His glorious blue-green eyes closed for a moment then opened again. He looked straight at her as if taking her measure.

  “I’ve decided you can stay.”

  Amy gasped. “Truly?” She’d heard him tell Jonah, but having him tell her face-to-face made it real.

  He nodded. “Jonah tells me you’ve no place to go. Besides, you’re a fine cook and good with the children.”

  She just knew she was beaming. That was the first time he’d complimented her in any way. “I—uh—thank you. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Don’t say anything. Jonah talked me into it.”

  “Oh.” Why should she have expected more? After all, she was partly responsible for his wife’s death. She wouldn’t take charity. Lifting her chin, she looked him in the eye. “I’ll work hard. You won’t have to worry about the house or the children or your meals. I thank you for your kindness. You won’t regret it.”

  Micah’s eyes widened. She knew that was the most she’d said to him since she beaned him in the head.

  “Ma–ma! Sookie and me’s gonna start eating.” Beth wasn’t one to be patient.

  Micah’s eyes narrowed. “There’s just one rule you have to abide by if you want to live here.”

  Amy’s heart fluttered. What rule? What would he expect of her?

  He pressed his lips into a straight, white line, and a muscle in his jaw ticked. “I don’t ever want to hear Beth call you Mama again.”

  Five

  “What?” Confusion stormed Amy’s mind.

  “You heard me. I don’t want Beth calling you Mama.” Micah stood with his hands on his hips, glaring down at her. His striking blue-green eyes, which she imagined resembled the color of tropical waters, now looked more like a stormy, green sea.

  Amy wrung her hands. “I’ve corrected her nearly every time she says it, but she keeps doing it. I didn’t want to punish her for it. I figured in time she would quit.” She looked away then back at him, knowing her cheeks were flaming. “She thinks I’m her new mama, because God took the other one away and brought me on the same day.”

  He blinked, and his dark brows dipped together. Even with his saddle-brown tan, his cheeks and ears turned bright red. “Uhhh. . .sorry. I assumed you encouraged her.”

  “I wouldn’t do that.”

  “All right. I’ll talk to Beth.” Micah rubbed the back of his neck. “I reckon we ought to go eat before she downs all the biscuits. You know how she loves them.” His mouth tilted up in a soft smile.

  Amy nodded and turned, pressing her hand against the side of the cabin for support. She wasn’t sure if her trembling knees would hold her. Was it his sudden apology or his smile that made them go weak?

  “I’ll holler at Ben.”

  Relieved to be free of his imposing presence, Amy looked over her shoulder and watched Micah stride toward the field where Ben was plowing; then she hurried around to the front of the cabin. Beth had left the door ajar, so Amy pushed it open and went inside, enjoying the homey scents of fried ham and fresh bread. Sookie had finished setting the table and was already seated next to Jonah.

  It still amazed Amy that the Walshes allowed their slaves to dine with them. She’d never heard of such a thing before, but it did make things easier, and in truth, she was thankful for Sookie’s presence, especially in the evenings when the men lingered around the fireplace, rocking in their chairs and talking. They usually stayed until Beth went to bed; then Jonah shuffled off to his little house, while Micah and Ben went upstairs to sleep. Amy was glad there wasn’t an inside stairway. To get to their bedroom, the brothers had to go outside and climb the ladder. It was an odd set-up, but she was happy to have at least some privacy.

  Using a towel, Amy opened the oven and pulled out two golden loaves of bread. She breathed a sigh of relief that they weren’t burnt, considering how long she’d dawdled outside.

  Micah entered the cabin, removed his hat, then hung it on one of the hooks behind the front door and ran his hand over his damp hair. He was in desperate need of a haircut, but she hoped he wouldn’t ask her to do it, because she didn’t want to be that close to him. The man flustered her way too much, considering she’d never been around men before, other than her father, and he hadn’t been home all that often. Amy turned back to fetch the gravy off the stove.

  The front door banged against the wall as Ben plowed inside. Amy jumped, nearly splashing hot gravy on her wrist. When Missy started crying, she set down the bowl and scowled at Ben.

  “Next time you come in the house, do it a little slower and quieter,” Micah ordered.

  Ben stopped and looked at his brother. For a moment the two stared at each other; then the boy nodded. Amy knew it was hard for Ben to no longer be the one in charge after doing so for the five months Micah had been gone. In a way, she empathized with him, but at least his brother was still alive and had returned home.

  Chairs scraped against wood as the men seated themselves. Sookie sliced the bread, laid it on a plate, and set it on the table, while Amy retrieved the green beans and sliced ham. After dinner they would divide a warm rhubarb pie. Amy crossed into the bedroom to check on Missy, but the baby had already fallen back asleep with her thumb in her mouth.

  “Mmm-mmm, sure smells good.” Ben reached for a slice of bread as Amy sat in her chair, but Micah grabbed his sleeve.

  “Wait until we’ve said grace.” Red stained Ben’s cheeks, and he looked down as Micah bowed his head and said a quick blessing.

  Ben snagged a slice of bread, slathered butter on it, and took a bite before anyone else could get a slice. Amy bit back a chuckle. By the time he quit growing, she imagined he’d challenge his brother in height, though she doubted his shoulders could ever measure up to the breadth of Micah’s.

  “Did you ride over to Jed Hanby’s earlier, like I told you?” Micah glanced at Ben as he tore up his bread then spooned gravy over it.

  “Yep.” Ben spooned a generous serving of green beans in his trencher and then grabbed a large slice of fried ham before passing the platter to his brother.

  “And?” Micah’s dark brows tilted upward.

  “He agreed to the deal. Said he’d swap Sookie for your two three-year-old mules,
and he sent over her papers. They’re upstairs in our room. I already told Sookie ’bout the deal.”

  Micah glanced at the young black woman, whose soft smile curved her lips.

  Amy nearly choked on her ham. Micah bought Sookie from Mr. Hanby? He’d traded the life of a human being for two mules? She glanced at the slave girl, who sat staring into her plate and—smiling? Was she happy to be sold? Was her old master so cruel that she was happy to belong to the Walshes?

  Sookie rarely talked, and when she did, it was never about her past home. How could a human being own another person? Having grown up in the North, Amy had had little exposure to slavery, and it made her stomach churn.

  “After you finish plowing, round up the milk cows out in the pasture and put them in the barn.” Micah glanced over his coffee cup at Ben.

  Ben’s eyes narrowed. “And what are you going to be doing?”

  They reminded Amy of two rams in a field, butting heads and vying to be the leader.

  Micah stared at Ben until he looked away. “I’m taking a load of furs into town to sell so I can get supplies. Then I’m going to ride over to Sam Sutton’s to look over some broodmares he’s selling.”

  “That Sam, he’s got some mighty fine hosses.” Jonah looked from brother to brother.

  “I like horsies, Papa.” Beth grinned then licked off the white milk moustache covering her top lip.

  Micah had a stunned expression on his face. For a long moment he stared at Beth, making Amy wonder what he was thinking. Beth had been frightened of him at first, because she didn’t recognize him, but once he had shaved and cleaned up, she quickly started warming to him. This was the first time Beth had called him Papa.

  Amy looked around the quiet table. No one ate, and they all stared at Beth. The young girl didn’t seem to notice but sat there tearing the crust off her bread. She glanced up, as her thin eyebrows dipped. “I don’t like da bwown part, Papa. But I like bwown horsies.”

  Micah chuckled and started eating again. Silverware clinked against plates, and eyes twinkled. Amy enjoyed being a part of this family. If only Kathryn were here.