My FANGtastically Evil Vampire Pet Series, Book 1

by Mo O'Hara

  “Call his parents and tell them they can collect him from the I-Stupidly-Tried-to-Break-the-Evil-Rules-and-Smuggle-in-a-Pet Stockade. Take him away. Next,” the counselor behind the desk shouted after him.

  I looked down at my backpack and then I looked over at Geeky Girl.

  “You don’t say a word about Fang or…,” I trailed off.

  “I won’t. If you don’t tell on me. So we have a deal?” She held out her hand for me to shake.

  “There’s no sweat truth serum, power-sucking chemical rub or itching powder on your hand, is there?” I asked. “You gotta watch your back here, you know.”

  “Nothing is on my hand. Now do we have a deal?”

  We shook hands for like half a second just as Sanj came up to us. “Oh, how charming. You’re welcoming the Geeky Girl into our evil fold.” He sneered. “Well, I’m not going to let your presence ruin our plans,” he said to her. “I’ll tell the camp counselors that there’s been a mistake with your booking, and they’ll send you home where you belong.…”

  Geeky Girl didn’t even look at Sanj. She fiddled with her phone, and then played a video, tilting the screen so he could see.

  My voice came out of the speaker, “Your stupid plans always go wrong!”

  Then Sanj, “You can’t even think up a stupid plan!”

  I looked at the screen. We were both trapped under the net in Sanj’s parents’ garage with a blue-footed booby sitting on top of us and Fang clamped onto Sanj’s nose.

  “Argh!” he screamed on the video.

  “Turn that off now!” Sanj screeched in real life.

  Geeky Girl hit pause.

  “You say anything and I’ll show this to everyone. The whole camp would love to see it. Don’t you think?”

  It was then that I realized there was a bit of evil in this girl after all. She might just fit in here … or she might seriously get in my way. Either one wasn’t good. I didn’t want the competition, and I definitely didn’t want the hassle.

  “Fine,” Sanj huffed. “But this isn’t the last you’ve heard from me.”

  “Ooooh, did they teach you to say that in the Evil-Comeback-Lines course in camp?” she said.

  “It was an online course actually.…” Sanj paused—“Urgh!!!!!”—and stormed off.

  “Just so you know, Geeky Girl”—I shook my head and followed after Sanj—“you are in the wrong place to be making enemies.”

  4

  * * *

  TOP FIVE THINGS I DIDN’T EXPECT ABOUT THE TENTS AT EVIL SCIENTIST SUMMER CAMP …

  5.  That I wouldn’t be in a tent with Sanj (the only other human I know here besides Geeky Girl, and there’s no way I want to share a tent with a girl!).

  4.  That the three other guys in my tent would seem to think that evil is as evil smells. Yuck.

  3.  That Fang would have to stay hidden in my backpack for so long. I swear she is going to burst out of it Hulk-style any minute. But at least there were no more “random bag checks for pets.” Fang is safe, but not very happy.

  2.  That the mosquitoes would have moved into the tent first. The bugs are taking evil to a whole new level.

  And1. That my awesomely evil summer might not be going to plan already.…

  * * *

  * * *

  Once we filled out all our forms, we were given our tent numbers. Sanj was put in Tent Five at the top of the hill, and I was in Tent Two at the bottom. There were three other evil campers in my tent—Igor, Diablo and Bob—and they all knew one another from last year. They had even been Evil Scientist pen pals since then.

  Bob started sneezing as soon as we got into the tent.

  “Arrrchooo.” He let one loose.

  “Do you have hay fever or something, man?” Diablo asked.

  “No, and nothing made me sneeze last year. It must be something new in the tent,” Bob said, looking around, his eyes lingering on me.

  I shoved my backpack with Fang still inside under my bunk. “Maybe there are, like, feathers in the pillows or something?”

  “Or maybe I’m allergic to you, new kid.” Bob walked up to my bunk.

  I heard the sound of a kitten claw tearing through backpack as Bob stood over me.

  “Ahhhhemmm,” I cleared my throat to cover the sound of the bag ripping and blocked her claw with my left foot as she tried to swipe at Bob from under the bed. “Maybe it’s dust?”

  I shoved the backpack farther under with my foot and stood up. “We should head out to the campfire, right?”

  “Urrrrghh,” Igor grunted.

  “Yeah, man, let’s go,” Diablo added.

  “See you at the campfire, new kid,” Bob said, and stepped back just as another claw swipe missed his leg. They headed out of the tent, and I dropped down on my knees by my bunk and yanked out the backpack, with an angry kitten half in and half out.

  “Well, that was way smart, Fang,” I said as I unzipped the pack and let her jump free. “If they find you, they’ll turn you in.”

  “Meooooow.” Fang tossed her head back like she didn’t care who heard her. I muffled her with an Evil Scientist Summer Camp baseball hat just as Igor popped his head back through the tent flaps.

  “Urgh?”

  “Yeah, I heard something too,” I said. “I think it was outside.”

  “Urgh.” He nodded and headed out again.

  I lifted off the cap and smoothed back Fang’s fur.

  “’Reooow,” she meow-whispered.

  “I know you wanna swipe that Bob guy,” I said as she curled around my legs. “I wanna swipe him too. But I’ve got to try to build up a posse around here. They are the kids I need to win over if Sanj and I are going to make the most of camp and out-evil the other evil kids. If we win the first competition, we get the Evil Emperor of the Week crown, which we totally will with all our evil plans. Plus we get points toward the final Evil Kid of the Summer Prize. Last year that kid got a whole article about her in Evil Scientist magazine!”

  Fang head-butted my arm and let me stroke her once before she headed back under the bed.

  “Right, stay outta sight until I’m back from the campfire. I’ll bring you something to eat.”

  “Meooow.”

  “Yeah, maybe I might be lucky and find a bird. Maybe a budgie?” I laughed my best “Mwhaaa-haaa-haa-a-haaa.”

  5

  When I got to the campfire, most of the seats on the logs surrounding the fire were taken.

  There was a group of cool and deadly-looking evil girls on one of the logs. There was the log with the evil Goth kids, one for the evil sporty kids, one for the evil brainy kids and then a log that had just Bob, Diablo and Igor on it. To be fair, Igor takes up a lot of log.

  Sanj was sitting on a log with a space next to him. But this tall kid with amazingly bouncy hair, I mean like hair-shampoo-commercial-level bouncy hair, strode over and sat in the seat. Sanj smiled over at me and shrugged his shoulders.

  There was one log left, and guess who was sitting on it all on her own with nothing but a serious-looking budgie sitting on the branch above it.

  Geeky Girl.

  “This does not mean I want to sit here,” I said as I walked over. “This does not mean that I even want to breathe the same air or whatever as you.”

  “Why are you even talking?” She glared at me. “Argh. This is just like school.”

  “This is nothing like school,” I said. “First, at school, well, there isn’t a giant fire—not usually anyway—but second, there is no way I would sit on my own or sit with you. I would slide kids off a log if I wanted to sit on it. If they had logs in the cafeteria, which they don’t.”

  “OK, your mouth is still moving.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Well, HELLO THERE, EVIL CAMPERS!!! Welcome to Camp Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha!” a really loud cheerleader-type voice boomed from the center of the circle.

  “Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha!” the kids all chanted back in unison.

  “No, this isn’t ‘culty’ at all?” G
eeky Girl mumbled.

  I looked at the center of the circle, and there was the full team of Evil Scientist Summer Camp leaders—just like on the website.

  “Who are these people?” Geeky Girl whispered.

  “That is Kirsty Katastrophe!” I paused. “With a K,” I added. Still no response. Geeky Girl obviously had no idea about the celebrity status of any of these camp leaders. How could anyone be soooooo out of touch?

  “She was Young Evil Scientist of the Year last year and was responsible for a hypnotic cheer at a university football game that immobilized an entire stadium of people!”

  I could feel my voice getting higher and higher as I told Geeky Girl about Kirsty Katastrophe’s awesome evilness. “So she’s pretty evil. You know, not bad. I mean bad, but not bad at being bad … um … you know what I mean.”

  I was saved by Kirsty Katastrophe shouting out again, “And what do we do at Camp Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha?”

  “We live, breathe and sweat Evil Science!!!” all the kids replied.

  “Ewwww,” Geeky Girl whispered, crinkling up her nose. She looked at the rest of the leaders. “So who are the other ones?”

  “The tall guy next to her is Trevor the Tech-in-ator,” I whispered back.

  “The what?” she said.

  “The clue is in the name. Ya know, like a terminator with tech?” I said.

  “Hey, is he the guy who crashed the whole public-school computer system of Switzerland with a malware that made all the computers yodel?” Geeky Girl suddenly looked interested. “He’s a legend in hacking circles.”

  “I always thought that stunt was kinda … obvious,” I said, pushing some dirt with a stick I’d picked up from the ground. “The other shorter guy is Phillipe Fortescue. He’s a master of evil disguise.”

  Geeky Girl stared at the unassuming, mousy-haired man with a wiry mustache. “Him?”

  “He is epic,” I said. “I heard he once smuggled himself out of a museum that he’d just robbed by posing as a piece of modern art that was being saved from the robbery.” My voice started to get a little high again from the excitement. “So he’s not bad either.” I paused again. “But in a bad way.” I had lowered my voice back to its normal cool, I-don’t-really-care-about-much tone.

  “Now let’s all sing the Camp Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha song,” Kirsty Katastrophe called out. Most of the kids seemed to already know the words.

  “CAMP MWHAAA-HAA-HA-A-WATHA

  WE SING TO YOU

  WE HOPE OUR E-VIL PLANS COME TRUE

  ASIDE LAKE DASTARDLY YOU’RE SAT

  AWAY FROM ANY DOG OR CAT

  WE’LL TOIL AND STRIVE ALL SUMMER LONG

  TO COME UP WITH A SLIGHTLY EVILER SONG.”

  “Yeah, they could totally do with way better lyrics,” I said.

  Geeky Girl nodded. “This is going to be a looooong summer.”

  6

  “Thank you, campers!” Kirsty shouted.

  Everyone Mwahhaaa-haa-haa-ed back at her.

  “Trevor, Phillipe and I would like to welcome you to Evil Scientist Summer Camp.”

  “Yaaa, velcome,” Trevor droned in a deep gravelly voice.

  “Happy to see so many of the same evil faces back with us again,” Phillipe added.

  “OK,” Kirsty chirped, “so we hope you’ve settled into your tents. Now, for those of you who are new to Evil Scientist Summer Camp … can we just have a show of hands here to see who that is?”

  I raised my hand. Geeky Girl slightly raised an arm stuck up a sweater sleeve so no actual hand was shown. Sanj raised his hand, and the bouncy hair guy next to him held up his hand too.

  “Wonderful,” Kirsty said. “In a bit we’ll get everyone into their pairs for the first week’s project, Evil Traps. The winners of this week’s contest will become Evil Emperors of the Week.”

  “Wicked.” I punched the air. “I am soooo good at evil traps.” I elbowed Geeky Girl. “And Sanj and I already planned out, like, a bunch of them in our Evil Plans Notebook.” I patted my jacket pocket. It wasn’t there. I never got it back from Sanj. Then I smelled the slightly scorched hot dogs and my stomach rumbled a totally evil rumble. I could get the book off Sanj after dinner.

  “You can’t make evil plans on an empty stomach,” I said to Geeky Girl.

  The rest of the campfire went by in a bit of a blur. We sang one more blast of the not-so-evil-really camp song and had some not-so-evil hot dogs, and then Kirsty started talking again.

  “Right, we’ll all meet up at the lake tomorrow morning. We’ll have a session on evil getaways, with speedboat practice after that, and then you’ll get some time to work in your pairs on your evil traps. Remember, the worst team will be sent home on the Canoe of Shame.”

  There was a general murmur of “Mwhaaa-haa-haa” and “Ohhh no, not the Canoe of Shame” from the other campers.

  Geeky Girl raised her hand. “Umm, seriously, did you just say the ‘Canoe of Shame’?”

  Kirsty put her hands on her hips and nodded. “Yes, that’s exactly what I said.”

  “So, basically, are we talking an actual canoe, or is this a metaphor for something more evil?” Geeky Girl asked.

  She was not getting in good with the counselors here.

  Trevor the Tech-in-ator then reached down behind a log and pulled up a canoe with a big sign on it that said “SHAME.” On the other side it said “property of Camp Mwhaaa-haa-ha-a-watha.”

  “I think that’s more of a kayak actually,” I heard Bouncy Hair Guy mumble.

  “Yes, it’s the seat position that distinguishes…,” Sanj agreed before he was shhhed by Kirsty.

  “It’s the ‘CANOE of Shame,’ and you don’t want to be on the ‘Canoe of Shame’ at the end of the week, do you?” she huffed.

  The campers all called out “Nooooo!” together.

  “On the other hand, if you win, you will be crowned Evil Emperor of the Week.” She smiled a brilliantly evil smile.

  I wanted that evil crown. I was picturing everyone bowing and calling me “Evil King Mark,” when Geeky Girl elbowed me again. “They don’t give you a real crown, do they? That would be tacky. It’s probably just a certificate or something.”

  That totally ruined my daydream. It’s hard to picture people bowing to you when you’re wearing an evil certificate.

  Kirsty Katastrophe spoke to us again. “Now let’s move on to your mantra of the day,” she said, looking directly at Geeky Girl and me. “These are very important to learn, especially if you are new to Evil Scientist Summer Camp.”

  “In every day and every way, I’m getting eviler and eviler—”

  “Excuse me, camp leader,” Sanj interrupted. “Wouldn’t it be more correct to say … ‘I’m getting more and more evil’?”

  Kirsty’s left eyebrow arched and she glared at Sanj, but kept her perfect cheerleader smile switched on the whole time. “No.” She leaned over him. “And it would not be as catchy.”

  “Like I said before, not a good place to make enemies,” I whispered to Geeky Girl. “Especially important enemies like that.” I looked over at Kirsty, who was still eyeballing Sanj as she spoke.

  “It’s time to choose your teams for the first evil contest. Are you ready?”

  The campers all let out a loud “Mwhaa-haaa-haaa-haaa” together.

  “So what happens now?” Geeky Girl called out. “Do you have an Evil Scientist version of a sorting hat? Are we assessed and assigned a partner based on evil compatibility? This is going to be really exciting, right?”

  Trevor looked menacingly around the fire, then just shrugged, and said, “Everyone pick someone to work with on this one.”

  “What? Is that it?” Geeky Girl stood up as all the other kids paired off.

  I looked over to Sanj, where I spotted him fist-bump the kid with the hair.

  Phillipe glared at Geeky Girl and me. “I suppose that means the two of you will be working together.” He smiled. “Hmmmmm…”

  “No, I mean, I was gonna work with Sanj.
Right, Sanj?” I called desperately.

  Sanj just looked over at me, and said, “Terribly sorry. Dustin asked me first.”

  “Dustin?!” I scoffed. Then Sanj pulled our Evil Plans Notebook out of his pocket. He whispered something to Dustin and they fist-bumped again.

  “You have to have a partner,” Phillipe interrupted. “Or would you like me to call your parents and send you home?”

  7

  The other kids all Mwhaaa-haa-haa-giggled (which is pretty hard to do. They must practice).

  “So, what will it be? Partner with … What was your name again?” Phillipe asked.

  “Geeky Girl.”

  “Really?… Well, with her?” Phillipe added. “Or go home?”

  “We’ll work together,” Geeky Girl said, and elbowed me in the ribs.

  “Owwww,” I said. “I mean, OK.”

  Everyone started chatting with their new partners, but I was not in the mood.

  I got up and stuffed a couple more hot dogs into my sweatshirt for Fang.

  I would show them. I’d totally win the evil trap contest. I’d totally beat Sanj and what’s-his-name, and I’d get that stupid Evil Emperor of the Week crown … somehow.

  I mwhaaa-haa-haa-ed to myself. I thought it would make me feel a bit better, but instead, it just made me look like a kid who went around mwhaaa-ha-haaa-ing to myself.

  “Now,” Trevor’s voice boomed across the flames of the dying campfire, “you can all take zee marshmallow to toast at zee edge of zee fire.” And he opened up a Tupperware container of marshmallows on sticks. “Come and get zhem.”

  I didn’t feel like toasting marshmallows—felt more like toasting Sanj—so I stomped over to him and the hair kid, who had already grabbed a marshmallow stick.

  “Mark,” Sanj said. “Let me introduce Dustin.”

  The kid turned around and tossed his hair to the side. It bounced exactly into place. It was spooky.

  “How’s it goin’?” Dustin said, and tossed his hair effortlessly to the other side.