Death's Excellent Vacation

by Charlaine Harris

  I was watching his every movement, as were all the straight women in the crowd, but now I had werewolf-sharp senses, so when Pirate Dave held up the coveted golden doubloon, I could tell he was only pretending to toss it into a bucket of plastic coins, when he’d actually palmed it. I could also catch the way his eyes scanned the available women, and that tiny hesitation when he chose his target. The lucky gal—a tall, buxom blonde in a halter top—was just behind me. Knowing that, I knew exactly when he threw the doubloon toward the blonde and used my better-than-human reflexes to jump at just the right moment to snatch it before she could.

  I held it triumphantly over my head, smiling when I heard the blonde mutter, “Bitch!” After all, it was truer than she knew.

  As for Pirate Dave, he was shocked but hid it quickly and said, “Arr, a toothsome wench indeed. Join me, my Sea Queen!”

  The crowd cheered as I made my way to the float, where a pirate flunky waited to help me up the rope ladder.

  “Permission to come aboard?” I asked.

  “Oh, the boardin’ will come later,” Pirate Dave said with a roguish grin, and the crowd roared.

  Once I climbed the ladder, Dave put his arm around my waist and pulled me to the front of the float.

  “And what be your name?” he asked.

  “Joyce.”

  “Queen Joyce, then.” To the crowd he proclaimed, “All hail Queen Joyce, the fairest maiden to ever sail the seven seas!” The flunkies led the crowd in a chorus of “Arr!” and the float started moving again.

  As we waved to the crowd, Pirate Dave said, “That were a worthy catch you made.”

  “I bet you say that to all the Sea Queens.”

  He laughed and dropped into the kind of small talk he probably made with all the Sea Queens. What was my home port? Was I traveling with a crew, or was this a solo voyage? Had I ever seen a port to rival the Adventure Cove? I answered appropriately, but I was finding myself increasingly distracted. It wasn’t because Pirate Dave wasn’t even better-looking up close—he was, with charisma to burn. But there was something odd about his scent. It wasn’t a hygiene issue or overdependence on men’s cologne, though I’d halfway expected Old Spice. It was strangely exotic, with a metallic tang. Short of sniffing him openly, I couldn’t figure out any more than that.

  When we reached the end of the parade, Pirate Dave helped me down from the float, then looked deeply into my eyes. “Join me for the fireworks tonight,” he said with no trace of piratical lingo.

  I hesitated, put off by the near command. “Actually I’ll probably be gone by then.”

  “No, stay. Come to me at the pavilion.” His voice was oddly urgent.

  I tried to decide if he was pushy or just extremely intense before finally saying, “I’ll try.”

  He looked as if he intended to attempt to convince me further, when a park employee ran up and gestured wildly. I took that as an opportunity to slip away.

  My first instinct was to head directly for the parking lot, but then I reconsidered. How often did I get a chance to spend time with a teenage crush, or at least a new version of him? A little necking with a pirate might be just the thing to wrap up my vacation. If Pirate Dave tried to go further than I wanted to, he’d find out that I was a whole lot stronger than I looked.

  I grabbed a jumbo bucket of popcorn, or “parched maize” as it was listed on the menu of the snack bar, and wandered through shops. The crowds had thinned considerably once the parade was over, which was the opposite of the way it used to be, when people would come to the park when it was too dark and cool for swimming. Another one of the big rides had just gone out, and the people who’d been on board when it shimmied to a stop weren’t shy about complaining in ways that thoroughly violated the Code.

  I had a good mind to talk to management myself. The trash cans were overflowing, the tables at the restaurants were sticky with spilled soda, and if I stepped in one more wad of gum, I was going to Change into something angry. The place had always been immaculate—was it that hard to find good help?

  I was scraping gum off my sandals on the curb near the Kraken, the largest of the park’s roller coasters, when I saw a shadowy figure sneaking around where it wasn’t supposed to be. The Kraken had a long track with plenty of turns and two loop-de-loops, and the whole area was landscaped so there were plenty of places to hide. Some of the lights had gone out, so it was quite dark around there and a human wouldn’t have noticed, but I could definitely see somebody.

  I probably should have called for a park guard, but I hadn’t seen any security people since the parade, and it would have been foolish to make a fuss if it was just somebody retrieving a ball cap that had fallen off during the ride. Besides, I was bored and had nothing better to do. So after making sure nobody was close enough to see me, I jumped over the low fence and followed. At least I tried to, but in between stepping around a bush and dodging a power pole, I managed to lose him and found myself behind the shed that housed the ride’s high-tech workings. I looked around for the intruder but decided he’d gone and was about to leave myself when I sensed movement behind me. Before I could turn, there was a sickening pain in my head and I fell.

  I woke instantly aware, the way I had since being Changed. I was lying on a thin pad of some sort, like a futon only considerably mustier, and it did little to protect me from the chill of the concrete floor. It was dark, even to my eyes, so I could see next to nothing, and all I could smell was machinery oil and buttered popcorn. It was the popcorn that convinced me that I was still in the park.

  I felt around for my purse but couldn’t find it, and the only thing in my pockets was spare change. I started to stand but hit my head on something. When I reached up, I felt some kind of pipe or bar. I scooted around on my butt, feeling around, and realized that I was totally enclosed by bars. I was in a cage! Just for a moment, I felt the wolf inside stirring. I didn’t like being in a cage, and it was all I could do to keep from throwing my head back and howling!

  I pulled my knees close to my chest and inhaled deeply and slowly, the way I’d been taught by the pack. According to the instructor, I was supposed to gather my chi or find my center or something equally mystical, but for me, the breathing was enough to prevent me from Changing.

  Just then I heard footsteps. A door opened, and dim light flowed into what now looked like a basement workroom. There were tools on shelves and tables around the edge of the room, but unfortunately nothing was close enough for me to reach. A moment later, Pirate Dave stepped inside, and his expression was far from friendly.

  “I didn’t realize you were so adamant about my staying for the fireworks,” I said. “Or is this how you treat all your Sea Queens?”

  He didn’t respond, just came closer.

  Once again, I noticed that his scent was wrong. It was like nobody I’d ever encountered, and I finally recognized the metallic tang I’d noticed a hint of before. It was blood.

  He stopped just out of my reach, met my eyes, and said, “I want to know why you’re here.”

  “You tell me! You’re the one who locked me up in a damned cage.”

  He seemed taken aback. He went down on one knee, so we were eye to eye. “Why are you here?”

  “Hello? Because you put me here!”

  Now he was clearly nonplussed. “Tell me who you are.”

  “I’m Queen Joyce, remember?” Since I could see my purse on a workbench, I added, “You’ve got my stuff—go check my driver’s license.”

  “Damnation!” he said as he stood. “What are you? Witch? Demon spawn? God, not the fae! Please don’t be one of the fae.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Don’t bother to deny it—I should have known from the way you snagged that doubloon. You’re not human!”

  “Well, neither are you,” I said, suddenly convinced that nobody with that scent could be.

  “True enough.” He smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was, however, toothy. Overly so, with two prominent fangs.

/>   “You’re a vampire?” I’d been told about vampires during Werewolf Orientation, but I hadn’t really believed it. At that point, it had been hard enough for me to believe in werewolves, let alone all the other horror movie denizens. If the issue of immunity to vampiric influence had been mentioned, I hadn’t been paying attention.

  He eyed me again. “You move too fast to be a zombie. Not foul enough for a ghoul. Too tall for a leprechaun. Werewolf?”

  “We prefer to call ourselves Lupine Americans.”

  “I knew my troubles had to be supernatural in origin—no human could cause so much chaos. But I hadn’t suspected werewolves. What are you after? The park? Or were you hired by some other power?”

  “Because the whole supernatural world is dying to own a rundown amusement park. Let me explain this to you slowly. I. Am. On. Vacation.”

  “I may not be able to glamour you, wolfling, but there are other ways of getting information, ways I don’t think you’ll enjoy,” he said, circling the cage slowly. Then he picked up a power drill from one of the workbenches. “I understand you heal quickly, but I wager that this would still hurt.”

  “It would if you had an extension cord,” I pointed out. “Besides which, if you get close enough to try anything, I’m going to give myself a lesson in vampire anatomy. From the inside.”

  He put down the drill. “I don’t have to get close. All I have to do is wait for you to get hungry. Hungry as a wolf, you might say.”

  “What makes you think I’m going to stay in this cage?” I deliberately started to undress. Well, not completely—the pack members I’d met were comfortable with public nudity, but I wasn’t. I did take off my sandals and shorts and pulled my bra off under my shirt. The panties and shirt would withstand the Change.

  “No wolf could tear through those bars,” Pirate Dave said smugly.

  I concentrated, and the mist of the Change surrounded me, blocking both my view of the vampire and his view of me. One of the first things I’d had to unlearn was the idea that a werewolf had to become a wolf. After all, a wolf is genetically the same as a dog, and there were lots of breeds of dogs. When the mist cleared, I charged through the bars of the cage and leaped at him. Pirate Dave screamed like a little girl as I bit down on his ankle. Admittedly, a chihuahua wasn’t the most fearsome of canines, but my teeth were plenty sharp and I definitely had the element of surprise on my side.

  He tried to kick me away, but I wasn’t nearly so interested in inflicting damage as I was in getting away. The door was still open, and I went for it. Unfortunately the vampire did, too, and I discovered that vampires move awfully fast. He slammed the door before I was even halfway there. I skittered to a stop, then turned to run as he reached for me.

  The ensuing chase would have been ludicrous if it hadn’t been—Hell, it was just ludicrous. I couldn’t stop long enough to Change into something more useful in a fight, and he couldn’t catch me unless I slowed down. Finally I dove back into the cage, right back where I’d started from.

  “Stalemate,” he said, as I scooted back into my shirt and Changed back to human. Of course, I ended up with one arm sticking out of the shirt collar, but eventually I got myself covered, though there was no way I could wriggle back into my bra.

  “This is ridiculous,” I said. “What’s your problem with werewolves anyway?”

  “I’ve got no interest in werewolves as long as you stop trying to ruin my park. I’d always heard your kind were ill-educated thugs, but I never expected a pack to make a move on me.”

  “For one, I’m neither a thug nor ill-educated. I’m a marketing exec, and I graduated from Harvard. Cum laude. For another, I’m not in a pack.”

  “A lone wolf?” he said, raising one eyebrow. “How trite.”

  “And lastly, I don’t give a shit about your park. The place is falling apart anyway.”

  “Because of you!” he snapped. “I caught you red-handed behind the Kraken, which you were undoubtedly about to sabotage.”

  “I was there because I saw somebody sneaking around.”

  “Oh, that’s original.”

  “And since I’ve only been in town a week, I couldn’t have caused any of the problems you must have been having all summer, given the lovely condition of this place. I’m surprised the board of health hasn’t shut you down.” I saw something almost guilty in his expression. “You used that look-deeply-into-my-eyes thing on the inspector, didn’t you?”

  “I’d do a lot more than that to keep my park open. If you don’t start telling me what I want to know, I’ll show you just how much.”

  “Your park? I thought you were just the figurehead.” A thought occurred to me. “Oh my God! How long have you been Pirate Dave?”

  He actually managed to bow sarcastically. “I am the original Pirate Dave.”

  “Have you been feeding off Sea Queens all these years?”

  He shrugged. “None of them suffered from it. In fact, they quite enjoyed it.”

  “Ew.”

  “And how many humans have you murdered as a ravening beast?”

  “The only human I’ve ever bitten was you. Scratch that, since you’re not human. Which reminds me. Could I have a glass of water to wash the taste away? Old meat is just rank.”

  His face reddened, and I thought I might have gone too far, but suddenly a jaunty sea chanty echoed through the room. Pirate Dave reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

  “What is it? . . . How? I was just there! . . . Was anybody injured? . . . I’ll be right there!”

  He hung up as angrily as it was possible to hang up a cell phone and shoved the phone back into his pocket.

  I said, “Whatever it was that just happened, obviously I couldn’t have had anything to do with it.”

  “All part of your plan, no doubt,” he said. “You kept me occupied while your littermates committed further acts of vandalism.”

  “Right, I tricked you into knocking me unconscious. Just admit that I’m not involved, and let me out of here.”

  “I don’t think so, wolfling. I’ll be back to deal with you later. Feel free to take any form you like to leave your cage—you still won’t be able to get out of this room.” In a breathtaking burst of speed, he was gone and through the door, and a second later, I heard the lock turn.

  “What an idiot!” I said to the empty room. I waited five minutes to make sure he was really gone before Changing to a teacup poodle to get out of the cage. Next I went human so I could reach through the bars of the cage to get my clothes. Once I was dressed, I rummaged around in the tools on the workbench, found a power screwdriver—and an extension cord—and took the hinges off the door. Then I picked up my purse and left.

  I saw plenty of park employees on my way through the building, which was apparently the park’s administrative headquarters, but not one said a word. I wondered how many other Sea Queens they’d seen making discreet exits after private visits with Pirate Dave. I’d been prepared to Change and make a dash for freedom if need be, but as it was, I just strolled back to the park’s public areas and out to the parking lot. The fireworks started as I got into my car, and I hoped Pirate Dave was going to go to bed hungry.

  I considered getting in touch with somebody in one of the packs when I got back to my cabin, just to check out Pirate Dave’s powers and the whole vampire/werewolf dynamic, but then I saw the messages shoved under my door. Two more fruit baskets and a balloon bouquet were waiting for me at the front desk. I decided that was enough pack attention for one night. As long as I stayed away from Adventure Cove for the next couple of days, I shouldn’t have to worry about Pirate Dave again.

  I might have been able to stick with it, too, had it not been for three things. One, when I read the local newspaper over breakfast the next day, I learned that two children had been hurt in the breakdown of the Kraken the night before. Though neither injury had been serious, one was bad enough to keep a little girl out of a softball tournament she’d been practicing for all year. The
re was also an article about the park’s recent troubles, complete with speculation about the number of people who’d be out of work should the park shut down.

  Two, there were more pack offerings waiting for me when I went by the front desk to get the deliveries from the previous night: fruit, cookies, and a spa basket.

  Three, and possibly the reason that would have convinced me all by itself, I’d spent all night having extremely vivid dreams about a red-haired pirate.

  That’s why I was the first person in line when Pirate Dave’s Adventure Cove opened, and I spent the day looking—and sniffing—for signs of sabotage. I wasn’t exactly subtle, but nobody noticed. The news about the park’s problems had spread, so there were even fewer guests than there had been the day before, and the employees were clearly demoralized by impending unemployment. I paid particular attention to the area around the Kraken but got nothing.

  I’m not sure exactly what I expected to find. Pirate Dave had been sure the threat was supernatural, and unfortunately my experience with the supernatural world was next to nil. At least I could be fairly sure that the saboteur wasn’t another werewolf—I knew what we smelled like.

  The park was so empty that I wasn’t sure if they’d bother with the evening parade, but when night fell, I was at Shiver-Me-Timbers, waiting for the Brazen Mermaid to arrive. As soon as the float stopped, I joined the scant half dozen candidates for Sea Queen.

  Pirate Dave’s reaction upon seeing me was priceless. His face flushed, and he glared at me as he gave his usual invitation in a harsh tone that scared off two teenage girls. When it came time to throw the doubloon, he didn’t even pretend to fling it to anybody but me. I walked past the same flunky as before to climb the rope ladder and wasn’t a bit surprised when Dave grabbed me before I was halfway up and yanked me the rest of the way.

  “All hail Sea Queen Joyce!” he thundered, and motioned for the float to start moving.

  “Miss me?” I asked as we waved mechanically to the pitiful excuse for a crowd.