The Upside of Falling

by Meghan Quinn

  Oh God, is he going to propose? Please don’t let him propose. I couldn’t handle letting him down, telling him no when my heart would be screaming yes.

  Standing from the couch abruptly, I run a hand through my hair and blurt out the one thing I can think to stop him from saying anything that will completely destroy me.

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  The air around us stills as Colby’s brow pinches together, his eyes zeroing in on me. “What?”

  My breath is short, my legs feel numb, and my stomach is rolling, the truth hitting me harder than I expected. What am I doing? “Us . . . I can’t do us anymore.”

  When I would expect him to grow furious, to stand with untapped anger raging through him, he continues to sit, his brow pinched, confusion written all over his face. “You can’t do us anymore? Why not?”

  Why is he so calm? He’s making it that much harder. I would almost prefer for him to yell at me, to hurt me, to make it easy to say goodbye. But he remains at ease, the only displeasure I can see is in his brow and the clench of his jaw.

  Taking a deep breath, chin tipped up, I say, “You’re going to Oklahoma, Colby, and you’re going to become a pilot. Who knows where you’re going to be stationed after that? Your future is up in the air, literally and figuratively.”

  He shakes his head and stands as well, moving in close. “That’s what I spoke to my grandpa about. I asked him, if he was given the option, would he give up his dream to be with my grandma, and he said yes, not a doubt in his mind.” He reaches out and cups my cheek once again. “Dreams change, Rory. You’re that change.”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  He nods. “You’re my future, Rory. What’s between us is real, and it doesn’t come along very often. I want to be here for you. I want to take care of you, and I want to take care of Bryan.” Pausing, he takes a deep breath and says, “I’m deferring flight school and asking to be stationed at Peterson so I can be with you, so I can help you and your family.”

  I’m pretty sure a little piece of me just broke inside, like a part of my heart chipped off and went spiraling to my stomach where it’s churning, growing, building into a giant ball of hopeful yearning.

  “What?” I ask in disbelief, not quite sure I understand what he’s saying. “You’re not going to flight school?”

  He shakes his head. “I’m going to defer and take up another position in the Air Force. Maybe flight operations.”

  I shake my head, backing away from him, unable to comprehend the enormity of what he’s offering me.

  “You can’t do that, Colby.”

  “Yes, I can.”

  “I mean, you can’t give up your dream.” I start pacing the apartment. I know Colby is watching me, his eyes intent, focused.

  “You’re my dream now.”

  I shake my head. He can’t be serious. To become a fighter pilot is the one thing he’s always wanted, not just for him, not just for his dad and grandpa, but to prove his sorry excuse for a stepfather wrong. He’s earned that and he deserves that. This has been everything he’s ever worked toward. Countless hours preparing for this, studying, flying in the glider, working so damn hard so that he could prove to everyone that he belongs in the sky.

  And I’m not going to let him throw it away for me.

  I’m not going to let him give up everything to be with me, not when I know, deep in my bones, that Colby Brooks was born to fly.

  I love him too much to allow him to make a sacrifice that could break him in the end.

  I know what’s it’s like to give up a dream, but that was for someone I’ve known all my life. Colby has only known me for a few months. I understand regret, the what-ifs, the wandering thoughts of what else you could be doing. It’s debilitating at times. And I don’t want to be the reason Colby is resentful, regretful, running through his what-ifs every time he sees a plane in the sky. That’s not fair to me and it sure as hell isn’t fair to him.

  But the gesture. Oh my God, the gesture, to want to stay with me? To help me?

  God, it’s tempting to throw myself into his arms, and kiss him until daylight, reveling in the fact that for once, I’ll be taken care of too. That after a rough day and Bryan on my mind, I can crawl into a warm, strong pair of arms, and have all of my worries washed away with a stroke to my back and a tangle of fingers in my hair.

  But that luxury is a distant dream when it comes to Colby.

  As I turn to look Colby in the eyes, preparing myself to say goodbye, I can feel every ounce of color drain from my face, pooling at my feet, a puddle of remorse swirling against my toes. This is it. I have to do this. I don’t have any other choice. I’ll be damned if Colby loses his dreams.

  Hands clasping together, I gather all the courage I can find and say, “I love you, Colby, and that’s why I . . .” I stutter, my words feeling like razor blades slipping from my mouth. “I . . . we can’t be together.”

  He shakes his head and takes a step forward. “It’s not your choice, Rory. I’m going to do this.”

  “Colby, you can’t give up flying. I don’t care how much you think this is going to help. It isn’t, because in the long run, you’re going to be bitter, and who’s to say we’ll even stay together? You can’t base your entire future off a five-month relationship.”

  “I know we will.”

  “No.” I take a step away. “And I won’t be a part of a military lifestyle. You won’t be at Peterson forever, both you and I know that.”

  “I can give my five years and then jump into civilian work. The Air Force doesn’t own me forever.”

  “And then what are you going to do? Some desk job, hating every day, wishing you were up in the clouds?” My voice starts to become stronger with every word that comes out of my mouth. Things are starting to become clear. “You’ve told me several times your heart belongs in the sky. I refuse to be the reason you’re not up there. That’s not fair to me.”

  Oh God. I’m going to be sick. I hate this. I hate this. But he needs to be free. He needs to thrive. He deserves his dreams. Hating what’s about to come out of my mouth, I say, “Are you scared? Is that why you don’t want to go to flight school? So, you’re trying to make me a scapegoat for copping out?”

  Colby’s eyes narrow on me, his lips thin, his control impeccable as he hides the anger from my far-fetched accusation. The only inclination of his dislike of my comment is from the tone in his deep voice. “You know damn well that’s not the truth. I love you, Rory. I want to be with you.”

  Turning away, I look out the window of my apartment, the foggy air casting a haze over the street. It suits my mood. The same haze is around my head, suffocating me.

  “I don’t want to be with you enough to see you give up everything. We’re not worth it. I’m not worth it.”

  Silence falls between us, deafening and uncomfortable. Keeping my back turned toward him, I suck in deep breaths, willing my nerves to settle, reiterating in my head that this is a good idea, that I’m helping Colby.

  The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention as Colby walks up behind me, placing his hands on my shoulders, and turning me slowly to face him. My eyes stray away, and I fold my arms over my chest, unable to look at him.

  I can’t look into his eyes.

  I can’t be sucked into the chocolate liquid of his irises where I’ve found myself lost on multiple occasions.

  I’ll crack.

  I’ll break.

  I’ll give in.

  I’ll beg him to stay with me forever.

  Lifting my chin, forcing me to look him in the eyes, he says, “We are always worth it. You and me, Rory, we are worth it.”

  I shake my head, tears spilling from my eyes. “No, Colby. We’re not. I’m s-sorry, but you need to go.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, not until we work through this.”

  “There is nothing to work through.” I take a step back. “You’re going to flight school. I’m staying here. Let’s just call it lik
e it is and move on.” I let out a long breath. “I never should have pursued you. I should have left you alone, because now I’ve filled you with an empty outlook on a future when the one planned for you is full of so much promise.” I put more distance between us and go to my front door where I grip the handle. “You are going to flight school.”

  “I’m staying here,” he says with more conviction.

  Getting frustrated, wanting this to end, I decide to cut him. He needs this. He needs to fight for his dreams. “You’re going to stay here, huh?” I nod. “Okay, perfect. Just what Ted wanted, for you to fail, for you to become nothing.”

  “Not nothing.” His brow pinches. “Fuck, don’t you see the worth in us?”

  I easily see the worth in the bond we share. It’s beautiful, it’s meaningful, and it’s full of endless love that makes us both willing to give something up for the other. But I can’t share that, I can only think it, believe in it, as I say my next words.

  I shake my head. “I see a college romance that isn’t going to last past your first reassignment.”

  Caught off guard, he sucks in a sharp breath, his expression finally growing angry. Finally. “You don’t think we could make it past a reassignment?”

  “No. I don’t. You might think we’re strong enough, but we’re not. I need someone here for me, not someone who’s going to move in two years. No matter what, Colby, you’re going to leave me. I was stupid and naïve to think otherwise.” Opening the door, I dip my head low and say, “You need to go.”

  “So just like that, you’re going to end things?”

  “Yes.” The word tumbles out of me faster than I expected.

  Not saying a word, Colby retrieves his cap and walks toward me, stopping when he’s inches from where I stand. “I’m willing to give up everything for you, Rory. Why won’t you let me?”

  Sniffling, I wipe a stray tear across my cheek and take one last glance up at Colby. “Because you deserve more than the average life I can offer you.”

  “You’re anything but average.” His voice is deep, raspy, hurt.

  “But average is all I have in me.” Because I want one more taste, I stand on my toes, reach up, and grip Colby’s cheek, bringing him closer to me where I plant a light kiss across his lips. It’s soft and quick and ends just as fast as it started. When I pull away, I say, “Defer if you want, that is your choice, but this right here, this is our final goodbye.”

  “Don’t do this, Rory.” His voice cracks along with my heart. No. Not cracked. My heart has been obliterated.

  “Be the man I know you are, Colby. Don’t give in to your fear, become your dream. For the both of us, become your dream.” Stepping aside, I give Colby room to walk out but he doesn’t move. He stands still, staring at me, looking for answers.

  So I give him one. “If you love me, if you truly love me, you will walk out of this door, and you will forget about this world I live in. Because . . . you don’t belong in it.”

  Jaw pulsing, his hand clenches around his cap, his knuckles turning white. “Don’t fucking say that, Rory. Don’t fucking say things you don’t mean.”

  Mustering every last ounce of courage I have, I say, “I would never say anything I don’t mean.” Swallowing past the giant lump in my throat, I fold my arms over my chest. “Go, Colby.”

  He drags his hand through his hair, distress in the slump of his shoulders, in the way he weakly steps forward.

  With his body halfway out the door, his gaze cast toward the hallway, he tersely says, “You might think this is over, Rory. But it’s not. It’s far from over.”

  And with one last parting glance from his soulful eyes, he leaves my apartment and my life . . . forever.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  COLBY

  This should be the happiest day of my life, at least one of them. Surrounded by my fellow cadets, decked out in our dress blues, white hats on our heads, and the next chapter of our lives about to be written.

  I’ve dreamt of this day. I’ve imagined it so many times, throwing my cap into the air as the Thunderbirds fly over the football stadium, cheering with everyone, knowing we did it and we’re on our way to accomplish so much more than just taking on a job—also serving our country.

  But I can’t seem to put a smile on my face.

  The Thunderbirds, the Air Force’s flight demonstration team, flies above us, performing tricks only the finest can pull off while going seven-hundred-miles per hour. But instead of looking to the sky like everyone else in the stadium, my eyes are cast forward toward the podium, staring at nothing in particular. All I can manage is more daydreaming about the last time I felt Rory’s body against mine. And how much I fucking miss her. Every minute. Every day.

  “Pool house after this?” Stryder asks, looking as sullen as I am.

  “Yeah.”

  “I have a bottle of Scotch for both of us, waiting to be consumed.”

  “Good. I plan on forgetting tonight.”

  “Me too.”

  Together, we sit there, our time at the academy coming to a close, our dreams crumbling right in front of us. We actually knew what we wanted, but now, how do we move forward with our reality?

  The rest of the ceremony proceeds in a blur. The roar of the jet engines above us, the toss of our caps, the powerful cheer of the cadet wing as we try to find our loved ones.

  It’s over.

  Four years of hard work coming to an end . . . just like that.

  “Your family here?” I ask Stryder.

  He shakes his head. “Nah, I’m too much of a disappointment for them to show up. You?”

  “Gramps is here,” I say, not forgetting about the extra tickets I sent to Rory. The same tickets that she’d sent back to me with a note that said, “Start your new life, without me.”

  Fuck if that didn’t hurt.

  Taking a second to look around, I say, “I believe he’s over there.” I point to the stands. “Want to come say hi with me?”

  “Might as well, we can hit up the Scotch after, unless you and Gramps have plans?”

  I shake my head. Stryder knows about Rory. Even though things with Stryder are still strained, he knows what happened. He knows I wouldn’t have plans anymore, unless they were with Gramps.

  “Nah. Gramps has to get back to the nursing home after this. It was a special trip he made for me that the nurses helped out with. He can’t be out for long.”

  Understanding, Stryder follows me past excited graduates and up the stadium steps where we find Gramps in a wheelchair, blanket across his lap despite the nice weather and a huge, watery smile on his face.

  And for a second, I forget about the broken heart shattered within my chest. I forget about the anger brewing. I forget about the hatred I have for my shitty luck. Instead, I focus on the look of pure pride on my grandpa’s face. For me.

  “Come here,” he says with a strangled voice.

  Feeling his emotion, I lean down so he can grip me by the neck and pull me into a hug. His strength is marginal compared to what it used to be, but his love is forever strong. I would be nothing without him.

  “I’m so damn proud of you,” he whispers into my ear, keeping his grip firmly in place, not letting me up. “You are everything I ever dreamed for in a grandson and so much more.”

  Fuck.

  My emotions are so fucking erratic at this point, and I don’t know how my body is going to respond next.

  “You should be damn proud of yourself.”

  When I lift away, only a few inches, I whisper. “Thank you, Gramps.”

  Keeping my head in place, he aligns his forehead with mine, an intent expression. “Become a pilot, feel those clouds, and if the rest is meant to be, then it’s meant to be. But just because you’re flying doesn’t mean you can give up.”

  After I left Rory’s apartment, fucking shattered, I called Gramps. The next day I was at the nursing home, licking my wounds, trying to gain perspective. Gramps told me to try to push it to the side and fin
ish out the school year. Figure Rory out later.

  “She will come around, Colby. She will. Just keep writing.”

  I nod, my voice too tight to speak any words.

  Just keep writing.

  It was the only thing Gramps and I could think to do that would keep me connected to her, to let her know that even though I might be far away, she’s still close in my heart.

  “Thanks, Gramps.”

  After another long hug, the nurse who has been so great to Gramps, Janice, takes a few pics for us, some of Gramps and me, some with Stryder, and some of all three of us together. Gramps holds his phone close to his chest, so goddamn proud. And he’s proud of us both. I didn’t miss the tear that fell from Stryder’s eyes when Gramps held him as close as he had held me. When my lifeline whispered words of wisdom and pride into my best friend’s heart and mind. “You still have an impressive future ahead of you, Stryder. You graduated from the United States Air Force Academy, so hold your head high. Be the incredible man I know you’re meant to be. I’m so proud of you both.”

  “I’ll show everyone back at the home these pictures. Thank you for the most special day of my life.” He gives me one last hug, wishes Stryder good luck with a handshake, and then takes off with Janice down a ramp, leaving Stryder and me by ourselves.

  With a clap to my back, he says, “Ready to get wasted?”

  “More than you know.”

  Dear Rory,

  I remember what the day before I met you felt like.

  It felt like every other day of my life. Like I was on autopilot, going through the motions, but never really taking in how blue the sky was, the whip of the wind off the Rockies, or the feel of the sun beating down on me, even on a crisp winter’s day.

  My senses were turned off, not experiencing, but functioning enough to get me through my days.

  I liked it that way, being desensitized from the world. It worked for me, because when I took the time to actually feel, it’s when I got hurt the most. So I blocked everything out.