Sin, Salvation, and Serenity

by Barbra Campbell

  Were we caught in the grips of lust or were we experiencing something real? The something I’d craved. I didn’t know how to tell.

  I opened my lips and welcomed him in.

  Chapter 5

  Eli

  I couldn’t describe the way Bunny tasted because my soul was making plans to merge with her forever. The slow dance of our tongues, the repositioning of our lips, and the fear of stopping and losing her kept me longing for more.

  But I did the right thing and forced myself away before I lost control. Her surrender was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.

  Tension hung in the air as I floated down from our kiss, fairly certain she was doing the same, the moment drifting in the air like a feather swaying back and forth, prolonging its path before reuniting with the earth.

  She brought a hand to her mouth as her eyes fluttered open.

  Could I convince her it was okay? We were okay?

  A delicate ringtone from inside of her purse jabbed an interruption into our moment. Her expression shifted to alarm. “My mom. I should go.”

  What? Why? It’s not like her mom could see us. The worry on her face told me not to argue, contrasting every other belief I held. My hand brushed over her arm as she fussed with her purse and stood. Her mouth opened and I yearned to hear an ‘I love you’ but had to accept we weren’t there.

  Instead of words, tears threatened as she looked away then rushed off. Why hadn’t I said anything? Disbelief? Shock? Shame? “Bye, Bunny,” I said under my breath.

  “Daddy? Were you kissing Miss Serenity?”

  Shit. I taught him not to lie but he was too young to understand the complexities of life. I couldn’t risk him telling anyone. Insane worry for such a public kiss… that she initiated. Or had I? I wanted it, but had I leaned in? Had I subconsciously stolen the moment to relieve the vulnerability that overtook me when I unloaded my past on Bunny?

  “Daddy?” Carson’s tiny hand patted my arm.

  “Let’s talk about it in the car. Grandma’s making dinner.” He wiggled onto my lap and draped his arms around my neck. No matter what else happened in the world, Carson’s arms wrapped around my neck, his utter trust and dependence is what drove me. I would do right by him.

  Sluggish yawns as I carried him to the car and buckled him into his booster seat came as a sign of the busy day we’d had.

  Situated in the driver’s seat, I kept it casual, “Hey Carson, remember when we talked about Grandma not liking shopping on Sundays because she wants to focus on church?”

  “Yeah,” he drew out through another yawn.

  “We shouldn’t tell her about today.”

  “Not even about the Easter Bunny?” His words trailed off.

  That was his big moment? Not the kiss? Glancing in the rear-view mirror, I saw Carson’s head tipped to the side, sleep taking over. How could I expect a kid to remember what he could and couldn’t talk about to his grandparents? I wanted them to be a part of his life, but his life shouldn’t come with secrecy. My parents either accepted us or they didn’t.

  With a quick phone call, I let them know I was taking Carson home and would have to reschedule dinner since he’d fallen asleep. One night might not be enough time to regroup but I had to talk to them.

  At home, I settled Carson on the couch then went to my room and stared at the piece of paper with Serenity’s phone number.

  Putting Carson in the position of not knowing what he could say was wrong.

  Instead of calling Bunny, I called my parents and asked them to both listen on speaker phone. Waiting wasn’t going to make the conversation any easier. “Mom, Dad, your help’s been tremendous. I truly appreciate it, so I don’t mean to be disrespectful. I’m just trying to make everything work. So if Carson mentions stuff you don’t agree with, please don’t take it out on him. You can—"

  Mom cut me off, “Eli, we’re family. We’re always here for you. It pains us at times, but we do our best to accept you even if we don’t agree.”

  Really? Maybe my divorce broke them like it had broken me. Maybe I’d never fully understood them. All of the arguments I’d prepared left me jittery. After a moment of confusion filled the silence, I figured that was an excellent point to end the conversation. “Thanks. I appreciate it. Catch you tomorrow.”

  I picked up Serenity’s number.

  Anxiety gripped my chest when the pressure of her lips on mine played through my mind.

  I hadn’t dated since my divorce. Carson’s mom had stuck to her word and hadn’t even tried to be involved in his life. And in between the good memories Carson retained, there was a lot of instability. A scary trait to a kid even if he didn’t understand any of it. Was I ready to throw another kink in his life?

  A motherly presence would be good for him, for me. I punched down my errant thought that Bunny wanted to fill that role. I’d yet to ask her out. First things first.

  Why couldn’t there be an easy answer? I could barely keep it together on my own. I wanted someone to bounce ideas, dreams, and fears off of. Was that why I kept having visions of her in my life? I needed someone, anyone. She deserved to be more than anyone.

  Chapter 6

  Serenity

  My heart raced as I saw Eli’s car when I pulled into the church parking lot. Not out of surprise, he’d told me he would be there when Carson was in Tuesday Troopers, a youth group for elementary school aged kids I sometimes led.

  Eli had left a phone message Sunday night after we’d kissed. He wanted to discuss ideas for the Revitalization Committee.

  Meeting was a great idea. Anything I could do to help the church made me happy. The troubling part of the message was what he didn’t say. Nothing about him opening up to me. Nothing about our kiss. Nothing about a future for us. Did he consider it a mistake?

  Had I scared him and he was shifting to all business? It was my best guess.

  My hands shook as I tugged the heavy door to the church open. Quiet. Calm. Kissing a man I wasn’t in a relationship with wasn’t lightning worthy after all.

  More gray area. Was I being given a second chance to see the error of my ways? The third door on the left was awaiting my answer.

  I pushed it open and immediately locked eyes with Eli who was sitting at the card table. I made a mental note of the paper and pen in front of him.

  Good. He understood we had important work to do.

  Bad. How would I bring up the kiss?

  He rose and I motioned for him to sit as I let the door slowly close behind me.

  “I’m sorry for… your son could have seen… anyone could have…” A flush creeped from my chest to the top of my head, and I refused to acknowledge the other sensations. For all my worry about how to bring it up, the simple answer was to toss it out there and stumble all over it.

  I ducked my head in embarrassment.

  “Have a seat.” The velvety tone of his words put part of me at ease while the rest of me craved another kiss.

  I sat across the square table from him.

  “I’ve thought a lot about what happened. I shouldn’t have burdened you with my past. There are lessons to be learned, but they’re mine. I wasn’t trying to… make you feel something.”

  “I didn’t necessarily mind.” If this was a second chance, why was my decision the same? And why did a rush of sadness wash over me that he didn’t want me to feel something? I could take a hint. “I guess we should get to work then.”

  His gaze shifted to the papers he’d brought and he pointed at one of the items with his pen. “What do you like to do for fun?”

  When my mind tried to indulge that he wanted to know for personal reasons, I checked myself. I was the age group the church wanted to attract, obviously he should ask. Unfortunately, my reality wasn’t going to help. “I don’t do much strictly for fun. I take online classes. I study a lot. I work. I volunteer.”

  “I heard you were back from college. What were you studying?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I ditch
ed my college plan to be an elementary school teacher. It’s not for me.”

  “That’s surprising. You’d be great.”

  My cheeks had to have blushed from the amount of heat rising through them. “It seemed great until I realized how many hours teachers work during the school year and it wouldn’t fit the lifestyle I want.”

  “What lifestyle is that?” His eyes penetrated me as if they could see my answer without me even stating it.

  Plus, I sensed that he already knew. I’d prayed that the crazy bond I felt with him would only happen between people who were meant to be together. The turmoil of deciding whether to trust my feelings or resist further embarrassment had me swirling with uncertainty. I had to stick to my truths. “I’ve always imagined myself with lots of kids. Staying home, taking care of them. I know it’s silly. It’s the old way of thinking. But I can’t imagine a better job.”

  Eli shifted, sitting taller, and lowered his voice, “You’d be even better at that.”

  I nodded. Time slowed as I watched his Adam’s Apple bob up and down, his jaw clench, and his eyes close and reopen.

  Did he understand I wanted all of that with him? I’d never wish pain and divorce on anyone, but it led Eli to me so I would accept it as part of a bigger plan. He’d tried to do right with his first marriage, but it was with the wrong woman. I felt it in my bones. I wasn’t jealous, just feared he would slip from my grasp. I clarified, “Getting a degree is a lot more straightforward than getting married.”

  “You say that like it might not happen.” Possessiveness tinged his words.

  Could he appreciate the simplicity of what I wanted out of life? “I haven’t even had a serious boyfriend. My parents advised me to get an education just in case, and to husband hunt, but college didn’t work out. Plus, I’m not likely to meet anyone in my online classes.” It’s possible I went a little too far with my truths, but they were out.

  “What are you studying now?”

  “I’m enrolled in a culinary school. It’s not as foolish as it sounds. If I don’t stay home to raise my kids, I can get a job as a chef. We study nutrition, food science—”

  “It’s not silly. One of the most important jobs you’ll ever do is feed your family.”

  “I hope so.” My words were breathless. He understood.

  The squeal of kids moving down the hallway killed the tension between us. We both glanced at the door.

  I took the moment to reconsider why we were meeting. I didn’t want to talk about the church but we should. There was no way we could walk out of our meeting without being able to present Mrs. Davis with ideas. She handled room reservations so if Eli had properly reserved the room there was accountability.

  The topic could also veil my craving for more information about Eli, his experiences, my chances with him. “What do you think about dances and socials? Right now, they’re frowned upon because they might encourage young men and women to touch, or kiss, or more. Some of the adults even say a woman never gets over her first love.”

  A smile quirked the corners of his lips. He grazed his fingers over my hand then rested them a mere inch from mine. “A touch, can be innocent.”

  If he knew the zing of excitement that shot through me from his touch, he might have to question his statement. And he didn’t know how pure I was, so I controlled my breaths to keep my secret safe. Technically I’d been kissed, he knew that much. He just didn’t know that was all.

  Reaching forward again, he trailed a finger over my lips then slowly pulled his hand back. “A kiss doesn’t have to lead to more.”

  Had he felt the twitch of my lips under his fingertip? I couldn’t stop myself from leaning forward as he pulled away. The pressure swirling uncontrollably between my legs was a fairly good indicator a touch and a kiss could lead to sex. Had he proven the church’s fears were right? Removed the gray area I’d wanted to embrace? I couldn’t sort my thoughts.

  He locked eyes with mine. “I’m pretty sure not all women are the same. One definition doesn’t explain every woman’s reaction to falling in love. But finding the right partner from the start might not be a terrible thing.”

  Finally, something I could respond to verbally. “I suppose it’s ideal to find that perfect match. But college opened my eyes. Some of my female friends broke up with their boyfriends after having sex. They were fine, so were the guys, I think. What about you?” That came out less than gracefully.

  He grimaced then leaned forward, his hands flat on the table. “It hurt like hell to find out Sandra betrayed my trust. I’d always been faithful. But I moved on.”

  My legs shook. Could I get him to continue the taboo conversation? “Have you ever been with another woman?”

  The intensity of his stare demanded I look at him when I tried to casually look away. As if my question could be considered casual. I slowly raised my gaze to meet his, hoping I hadn’t irritated him.

  The hunger in his eyes assured me he was not experiencing irritation. More like passion.

  “I’ve never been with another woman. And I found out about Sandra’s infidelity right away. I never shared a bed with her again.”

  “That’s honorable.” I wanted to make it sound profound but I’m pretty sure my faint words failed.

  “I don’t take making love to a woman lightly. I don’t take kissing lightly. If I’m going to love a woman, I’ll do it with all my heart until she won’t let me anymore. And even then, I’ll continue to try.” His voice held a more serious tone than usual and it dragged me down a slippery slope.

  Was he stuck on her? If I could get his affection, would I always be second? Everything I’d been taught about relationships was that men were our providers, protectors… we needed them. Eli was posing the flip side. Another possible Revitalization topic if we wanted to dive really deep. I bit the inside of my cheek. “Do you still love her?”

  He nodded. “In a way.”

  I cursed his honesty. Should I have steered clear of the man whose baggage might mean I could never make him whole? “Will you ever be able to love someone else?”

  “Yes.” The surety of his answer shocked me.

  “How can you be sure?”

  “Because I already do.”

  A lump formed in my throat. He’d returned my kiss at the mall. Was I the one he loved? Would I be enough for him? Was I fawning over a man who expected an experienced woman? If I was the one, why wouldn’t he come out and say it?

  It was also possible I was reading the whole thing wrong. He’d been the one to retreat in the mall. Was there such a thing as a reciprocation kiss if someone lunged at you? Is that all it had been for him?

  Best bet was to avoid asking Eli if he loved me and risk scaring him off. There were more subtle ways to get answers. “We’re off topic. Let me pick your brain for some real-life wisdom. Let’s say we convince the church to let us hold socials for our age group. Are we going to be able to uphold the tenet concerning physical contact?”

  “Friendly contact won’t lead to anything.” He paused.

  I could tell he was debating whether to continue. I gave him a moment.

  He looked at the gap on the table between our hands. “I presume you’re a virgin?”

  His question knocked the wind out of my sails. I wasn’t his equal. Why’d he have to ask? A niggling thought told me to box up my fantasies and bury them. But I couldn’t. “Yes. I’m a virgin.”

  His jaw clenched and he leaned his head side to side, stretching. Then he shifted in his chair while clearing his throat.

  How hard was it to accept that I’d followed the church’s instruction? He’d admitted he had too. I wanted to cup his face in my hands, force him to really look at me, prove I could be everything.

  “Then obviously you have self-control. People touch for a lot of reasons and not all of it leads to sex. You inherently know this. A dance, a friendly game night, there are plenty of ways people our age can have fun.”

  “But sometimes contact makes people want
it. I’ve felt the desire.” I tried to hold his gaze, convey that I meant he had made me want it.

  “Touches come in all forms. Sometimes they’re casual. Sometimes they convey love and concern. Sometimes they lead to making love.” He ran his hands over his face.

  How wrong was it for him to say that in mixed company? Had his worldly experiences made him indifferent to such topics? No matter how unlikely of a pairing we were, Eli was what I’d wanted. Faint words escaped my lips. “Go on.”

  “Sometimes you know it’s a friendly touch. Sometimes you can tell it’s… more” He clamped his mouth shut and diverted his gaze to the bookshelf.

  Was I more to him? “If you’re truly in love again, you’ve found it twice. Is that possible? I mean love is supposed to be forever… So how would you know you’ve found your forever person? The person you’re supposed to spend eternity with.”

  “I’d listen to my soul.” He nudged his fingers forward, creating the faintest contact with mine.

  Something ignited in the air between us, luring me into his unspoken offer, making me question why I’d worried it was wrong.

  I’d been drawn to him. Every stolen glance during choir had been an answer to that call. Every uncontrollable thought and dream had been a higher power leading me to my soulmate. Every little thing that brought us together was put in place by the heavens. It had to be.

  Studying our glancing contact, I solidified my plan. For right or wrong, better or worse, I was willing to test the curiosities that left gray areas and warned me against making mistakes. And I was doing it with open eyes, open heart, and an open mind.

  I straightened my fingers to brush his then cupped his hand. “I listened to my soul, too. It led me to you.”

  “Serenity, I don’t want you to abandon your beliefs for me.”

  “And I don’t want you to think I’m doing this for you.”

  Keeping hold of my hand, he rose and stepped around the table.

  I stared up at him, certain that if I stood, we’d tangle in another kiss. A more private location, but even less appropriate. I prayed for guidance.