Shade of the Moon ls-4

by Susan Beth Pfeffer

  “I’m not saying what you did was right, Jon,” Dr. Barner said. “But Luke was protecting the old man. The grubs who trashed the school before you got there had no such reason. They were simply drunken vandals.”

  There was no way of knowing who had trashed the school. Everyone was drunk that night, clavers as well as grubs. “The school was a mess,” Jon said. “But it could have been cleaned up. What we did was irreversible.”

  “Exactly,” Dr. Barner replied. “There’s nothing you can say or do that will change matters. So why throw your life away? I’ll say to you what I said to Luke. The important thing is to accept what you did was wrong and move on. I had him promise never to do anything like that again. I think you’ll feel better if you make that same promise.”

  “I promise,” Jon said, waiting to feel better.

  “Very good,” Dr. Barner said. “You’re sure you don’t want to stay for dinner, Jon? There’s always room for one more.”

  “No, thank you,” Jon said. “Lisa’s expecting me. And Gabe’ll be disappointed if I’m not there.”

  “Some other time, then,” Dr. Barner said. “Come, Luke. We don’t want to keep your mother waiting.”

  “I’ll be there in a minute,” Luke replied. “I’ll see Jon out.”

  “Don’t take too long,” Dr. Barner said. “You don’t want your dinner to get cold.”

  “I won’t,” Luke said. “Come on, Jon.”

  Jon followed Luke down the stairs and outside. “I didn’t want to say this in front of Dad,” Luke said softly. “But I talked to Tyler yesterday. I’ve wanted to for a while, and when you said Lisa had passed, I figured the time was right.”

  “What did he say?” Jon asked, knowing he wasn’t going to like the answer.

  “He said his father thinks the grubs burned the school down,” Luke replied. “And Tyler wants to keep it that way. Tyler can’t go after me. We’re family. But he said if either one of us talks, he’ll see to it you’re sent to the mines. That family of yours in White Birch? They’ll end up there, too, like those grubber women who complained about Zach’s grandfather. Everyone knew they were telling the truth. That’s why he got thrown out of Sexton. But the grubs were sent to the mines anyway.”

  Jon thought of Alex and Miranda and their baby. He had no right to destroy their lives. “I’ll keep quiet,” he said. “I swear it.”

  “There’s something else,” Luke said. “Sarah.”

  “What about her?” Jon asked.

  “Look, I know about the two of you,” Luke declared. “Sarah talks to me.”

  “I thought now that Lisa’s okay, I’d try to make it up to Sarah,” Jon said.

  “That’s what she wants,” Luke replied. “But you can’t let that happen. Tyler asked me if anything was going on between the two of you. I said no, but I don’t think he believed me. He’ll hurt her, Jon, just to show you he’s in charge.”

  “But she wants to get back together?” Jon asked.

  “She says she loves you,” Luke replied. “If you love her, you’ll leave her alone.”

  Jon knew he had one weapon left, and that was to let Sarah know the truth about him. “Tell her I want to see her,” he said. “To come to my house so we can talk.”

  “Jon,” Luke said.

  “I know what I’m doing,” Jon said. “I’ll see to it Sarah never looks at me again. But I have to talk to her first. Tomorrow night, after the grubs go to White Birch. I’ll be waiting for her.”

  “I hope you know what you’re doing,” Luke said.

  “I do,” Jon said. “Get her there, okay?”

  “Luke!” Dr. Barner yelled. “What’s taking you so long?”

  “I’m coming!” Luke shouted. “I’ll do what I can,” he whispered, then turned his back on Jon and entered the house.

  “The truth shall set you free,” Jon told himself as he walked back to Lisa’s. It would set Sarah free, at least. Not even the truth could do much for him at this point.

  He’d be all right. He’d survived hunger, disease, the loss of his home, the loss of his father. He’d survive this as well.

  But he’d need all the strength and courage he had to protect the people he loved.

  His misdeeds had cost Julie her life.

  He couldn’t let the same thing happen twice.

  Saturday, June 13

  Val and Carrie had already left for White Birch when the doorbell rang. Lisa was upstairs with Gabe, so Jon answered the door.

  “Sarah,” he said, silently thanking Luke.

  “Luke said you wanted to talk,” she said. “That I should come over tonight.”

  Jon nodded. “I’ll meet you in the garage,” he said, looking around the street to make sure no one had seen her. “We can talk in private there.”

  Sarah nodded and walked away.

  Jon called upstairs to Lisa to say he’d be out for a few minutes. Then he left the house, silently walking to the garage, making certain he wasn’t spotted.

  “I’m only here because Luke told me to come,” Sarah began. “He’s been a real friend to me.”

  “To me, too,” Jon said. “Sarah, I know I can’t make it up to you, the way I’ve behaved. I’ve thought about everything you said to me, how I was weak, a coward, and I know you’re right. But I have to tell you that I love you. I was too scared to tell you that before, too weak, too cowardly. I know I’m just a slip; I’ll never deserve your love. But I needed you to know.”

  “I don’t care that you’re a slip,” she said. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t understand what it feels like for you. After you came to our table and told us about Lisa and I wouldn’t even look at you, well, Luke talked to me about you, what you’ve been going through. How rough you had it when you first moved to Sexton, how the only way you could make friends was by playing soccer so well. How you and Lisa will always be regarded as not quite as good as everyone else because you’re slips.”

  “It’s not an excuse,” Jon said. “You told me that.”

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have,” Sarah said. “I get too righteous sometimes and I hurt the people I love. I love you, Jon. I love that you’re protective of Lisa and Gabe. And I didn’t even tell you I was glad she passed her evaluation. Oh, Jon, I am glad. I’m glad for her and I’m glad for you, and it’s been killing me that I didn’t say so.”

  “I love you, Sarah,” Jon said, but in his mind he knew what he had to do. He walked over to her and kissed her, gently at first and then with more passion.

  Sarah responded. Jon held on to her so tightly she could hardly breathe. When he knew he had complete control, he began pawing at her, trying to tear her blouse from her.

  Sarah broke away. “Stop it!” she cried. “You’re being too rough.”

  “I thought you loved me,” Jon said.

  “I do,” Sarah said. “I’m not holding back from you, Jon. But don’t treat me like that.”

  “Like what?” Jon asked. “Like a grubber girl?”

  “Is that how you treat them?” she asked. “Take what you want without caring how they feel?”

  “I know how girls feel,” Jon said, sickening himself at the sound of his voice. “You’re all alike. Julie was exactly the same way.”

  “Julie?” Sarah said. “What about Julie?”

  “She pretended she loved me, too,” Jon said. “She said it the way you said it. ‘I love you, Jon.’” He spoke in a falsetto, not the way Julie had sounded, still sounded, in his memories, his nightmares. “It was going to be our last day together so I told her to prove it. The next thing I knew, she was screaming for me to stop.”

  “She screamed?” Sarah said, edging farther away from him.

  “She wanted it as much as I did,” Jon said. “I could tell. But she wouldn’t admit it. She said it was a sin. She didn’t care what I felt, how excited I was. What I wanted didn’t matter.”

  “She was a kid,” Sarah said. “Younger than you. Smaller. She must have been terrified.”


  “So what?” Jon said. “I didn’t plan on hurting her. It was her fault for fighting me.”

  “Did you rape her?” Sarah shouted, her voice rising with rage. “Tell me the truth. Did you rape Julie?” Her voice rose as she grew more hysterical.

  Jon kept absolutely quiet.

  “Don’t you touch me,” Sarah said. “Ever again. If you even try to, I’ll tell Alex what you did. Is that clear, Jon? I don’t want to have anything to do with you ever again.” She grabbed at her blouse, trying to pull it together, as she raced out of the garage.

  Jon watched as she ran away from him. I love you, Sarah, he thought. But he’d thought the same about Julie. And she’d run away from him, also.

  He knelt on the concrete floor. “I’m sorry!” he cried. “I’m sorry for everything.”

  Not even Julie’s ghost seemed to hear him.

  Sunday, June 14

  Jon passed the ball to Tyler as much as he could without getting Coach mad at him. Sexton beat the half-starved, half-crippled Carmichael team 14–2. He drank his share of potka on the drive back and laughed at his share of jokes. Tyler made only one crude remark about Sarah, and Jon was careful not to laugh too loudly. Just enough so Tyler would see how little Jon cared.

  Lisa was already home when Jon got in. “How was the game?” she asked.

  “We won,” he said. “Fourteen to two.”

  “There’s not much left of Carmichael,” Lisa said. “There’s talk they’re going to tear it down and build greenhouses.”

  Jon thought of the dozens of people who’d watched the game. “What becomes of the grubs who live there?” he asked.

  Lisa shrugged. “Most of them will move to White Birch,” she said, “hoping for work.”

  Jon sat down. He wasn’t sure he was ready for the answers, but he knew he had to ask the questions. “How did your visit go?” he asked. “Did Gabe enjoy himself?”

  Lisa laughed. “He loves it there,” she said. “He’s crazy about Alex. Alex is going to be a good father. He has a real tenderness. Miranda must have brought it out in him.”

  “Did they see how much he’s grown?” Jon asked. It had been six months since Lisa had taken Gabe to White Birch to spend time with that side of his family.

  “Of course,” Lisa said. “And how handsome and brilliant he is. I used that as an argument. How healthy he is, I mean. How good it would be for Miranda’s baby to grow up here.”

  “What did she say?” Jon asked.

  Lisa rolled her eyes. “It took a lot longer than it should have,” she said. “First Alex objected. He didn’t like the idea of only seeing Miranda and the baby on weekends.”

  “You can’t blame him for that,” Jon said. “It’d be great if Alex could move into the garage with them.”

  “You know that’s impossible,” Lisa said. “Only domestics can live in Sexton, and I can’t see Alex working as a butler. Not for us, at any rate. He’ll be in White Birch while Miranda stays here. That’s just how it is.”

  “Did he agree to it?” Jon asked.

  “Eventually,” Lisa said. “Laura was actually the least resistant. She’s not happy with the idea of Miranda working for me, but she understands it would be best for the baby.” She shook her head. “Laura tries so hard to keep that apartment clean, but there are roaches all over. And the air quality is so bad.”

  “They can’t buy air purifiers,” Jon pointed out.

  “They aren’t forbidden to,” Lisa said. “They could put their names down on the list to buy one, but all they’re interested in is that truck. In any event, it’s no place for a baby, and Laura can see that. Miranda put up the biggest fight. She doesn’t want to leave Alex or Laura, and she wasn’t crazy about the idea of living in a garage. She even said she liked her work in the greenhouses.”

  “But you convinced her,” Jon said. Lisa had to. Miranda would be safe working for them, as long as no one knew she was family.

  “I can convince anyone of anything if I set my mind to it,” Lisa replied. “I told Miranda the garage was only until you start college. In the meantime she’ll eat better and the baby will be healthier and well taken care of.”

  “What if Alex buys his truck?” Jon asked. “Would Miranda keep working here?”

  Lisa snorted. “I love Alex,” she said, “but he’s a dreamer. It’ll take years before he and Carlos can afford a truck, and even then they’ll have to get a license to run it and another license to buy diesel, and they don’t have the connections, so they’ll need some extra money to make it happen. It’s going to take at least five years, if it ever happens.”

  Five years ago, Jon thought, he’d been living in Pennsylvania with Mom and Miranda and Matt. The sun shone and food was plentiful, and his biggest worry was if he’d ever learn to pull an inside fastball.

  Five years from now, maybe Alex would get his truck. Or maybe he and Miranda and the baby would move to that place Matt talked about. Or maybe Miranda would settle in to live as Lisa’s domestic, seeing Alex and Mom once a week. It didn’t matter, just as long as Miranda was safe from Tyler.

  “So she agreed?” Jon said.

  “She’ll start in about a month,” Lisa said. “We have to get the greenhouse built and the garage ready, and I need to do the paperwork without anybody suspecting why I’ve picked her. Oh, Carlos is coming on Thursday. Laura wants you there on Sunday to meet him.”

  “I’ll have to ask Coach,” Jon said.

  “Don’t ask him,” Lisa said. “Tell him.”

  Jon nodded. He could tell Coach things now. Lisa had passed her evaluation. Jon might be a slip, but Coach, like all the teachers in the high school, was one step up from being a grub.

  “I’ll tell him,” he said.

  “Good,” Lisa said. “Now go say hello to Gabe. He wants to tell you all about his exciting day in White Birch.”

  Tuesday, June 16

  “I won’t be able to play in Sunday’s game,” Jon told Coach at practice. “I have a family obligation.” He waited for Coach to yell.

  “I wasn’t going to play you anyway,” Coach said instead. “You’ve been looking a little tired, Evans. We’ll play you against Hilton on the twenty-eighth. Get you sharp for the White Birch match.”

  The rest of the team gathered around. “We’re playing White Birch?” Tyler asked.

  “The Fourth of July,” Coach replied. “It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for. What are we going to do to those White Birch grubs?”

  “Kill ’em,” Zachary said.

  “I can’t hear you,” Coach said.

  “Kill ’em!” the boys shouted.

  “What’s that you say?” Coach said.

  “KILL ’EM!” Jon and his teammates screamed. “KILL ’EM! KILL ’EM! KILL ’EM!”

  Jon thought he might burst with excitement. Everyone from Sexton would bus down for the game, and everyone from White Birch would be there as well. Lisa could bring Gabe, and Mom, Miranda, and Alex would finally see him play soccer. Maybe not Alex, since he’d be driving buses. And Miranda might not feel up to it. But Mom would go, the way she used to go to his baseball games. Tyler wouldn’t know who she was, but Jon would sense her presence. And she’d tell Miranda and Alex and Matt how well he played.

  For the first time in weeks Jon felt almost all right.

  Thursday, June 18

  It was an accident. Jon swore to himself he hadn’t intended to. But as he walked from the classroom to the cafeteria, he brushed against Sarah. Just the feel of her arm against him was electric.

  “I told you never to touch me!” she shouted.

  Luke gave Jon a shove. “You heard her,” he said, putting his arm around Sarah. “Leave her alone, Evans.”

  “Sorry,” Jon muttered.

  He could tell from the sound of Tyler’s laughter that he’d witnessed the whole thing.

  That’s good, Jon told himself. Sarah’s safe now.

  But even knowing that didn’t stop him from feeling like he’d been kicked i
n the gut. Feeling the way he had those last moments with Julie.

  Friday, June 19

  It was after midnight, but Jon knew sleep was impossible. The west wind blowing made the air worse, but he couldn’t bear to be indoors. He got up, threw his clothes on, and went outside.

  The sky was a sickly gray. It must be a full moon, Jon thought, layered with ash and rain clouds. The wind felt like a punishment as he sat on the cold, hard ground and forced himself to think about Julie.

  She was thirteen when he met her. Thirteen when she died. At thirteen her parents were gone, her sister dead, her home, her school, her life destroyed.

  It had terrified Alex when Julie coughed. Their sister Bri had coughed and coughed, and died.

  But Julie was tough. She wouldn’t have given up. A cough wouldn’t have killed her.

  No, Jon had that privilege all to himself. Julie could have survived a cough. It was Jon she couldn’t survive.

  He was fourteen, a year older, a year bigger. Much stronger than she was. Julie had been on the road for months before he met her, months where Jon and his family had had shelter and food.

  Had he loved her? He’d told himself he had. But maybe that was a lie. Maybe Julie had been convenient, the way grubber girls were convenient. Julie was there, and she was close enough to his age, and Jon was old enough to want what Matt and Syl were having, what Miranda and Alex were having.

  Julie hadn’t believed him when he told her about Miranda and Alex. “It’s a sin,” she’d said. “Alex doesn’t sin.”

  But Alex was human. He was a teenage boy, and Jon was a teenage boy, and Julie was there. She was convenient.

  Except that day was the last one she was going to be there. Dad and Lisa, Gabe, Julie, Alex, Miranda, and Charlie were going to leave the next day to make their way to Sexton. They had no idea what they’d find there. But it was an enclave, and Alex had three passes.

  Jon and Julie had gone to town that day to get the bags of food they were entitled to. They’d been walking home when the weather turned bad, and they’d run for shelter into one of the many empty houses on the road.