My Serenity

by M. Clarke

  It had been ages since I’d seen her, and yet she still had a hold on me.

  “You’ve been a bad daughter. How could you neglect me like that? I gave birth to you and this is how you repay me? You should be ashamed of yourself.” Her tone sliced through the line like a sharp blade.

  Guilt poured through me, even though I shouldn’t have felt that way.

  “Before you hang up on me, I want to tell you that I’m very sick. You might want to come visit me. This may be your last chance.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. Seeing Seth, I gave a fake smile. “I’ll have to call you later. I can’t talk right now.” Before I hung up, I could hear her grunts of disapproval.

  CHAPTER 19

  Seth

  Walking out of the restroom, I had a view of Josie from a distance. She looked utterly disturbed. I wondered whom she was talking on the phone with. Before I had a chance to eavesdrop, she hung up.

  “Everything okay?” I asked, taking my seat.

  “Yeah. It was a wrong number.” Josie met my eyes for a second, and then quickly changed the subject. “Thanks for dinner. It was nice catching up.” Though she gave me a smile, it was different, like she gave me a smile ‘cause she had to.

  Something was off. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but her whole demeanor had changed. Maybe it was one of her ex-boyfriends on the line and she didn’t want to tell me. Trying to bring her cheerful mood back again, I asked, “Want to get some dessert? I know this great ice cream shop near my house. They even have your favorite, chocolate malted crunch.”

  Josie placed her hand on her chest. “You remember?” She looked stunned.

  “Of course I do, ‘cause it’s—” I started, but Josie finished.

  “Your favorite too.” The genuinely happy smile came back.

  “Let’s get out of here.” After I paid, we headed to a small ice cream shop called Forever Ice Cream.

  Looking at my phone, I read a text from Sara. Mom is acting confused again. I didn’t know what to do. I could end our date a little early, or— “Josie, I need to stop by home. Would you like to come meet my family?”

  Josie was hesitant, but she finally answered with uncertainty, “Sure.” She might not have wanted to sound like that, but she did, at least to me.

  When we got to my house, Sara greeted us with a smile.

  “Sara, this is Josie. Josefina from sixth grade.”

  Sara’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh! Josefina. Seth used to talk about you all the time. He had a major crush.” She stopped talking. “Wait. You two were dating or boyfriend and girlfriend stuff, right?”

  Josie shrugged her shoulders. “Young love.”

  “Wow, that’s so neat to meet up again after all these years,” Sara exclaimed.

  I raked my hair back with a sigh, worried about Mom. “You want to let us through?” Sara was blocking our way. She didn’t mean to be rude. She was excited, just as I had been when I first ran into Josie.

  “Oh, sorry.”

  Heading down the hall, Josie slowed her pace to look at the pictures that hung on the wall. “Sara, why don’t you take Josie to the family room and I’ll check up on Mom.”

  I took several steps at a time up the stairs. Mom was sitting on her bed, looking out into space. “Mom.” Holding one of her hands in mine, I kneeled down on the floor. “It’s me, Seth. You were doing so well. What happened?” I asked her the question, but it was more of a rhetorical one. I knew she wouldn’t answer.

  I rubbed her hand again and peered up to see her face. “Sara will be leaving soon and I’ll be going back to school in several weeks. I can’t leave, knowing you’re going to be like this. Please, I need you to snap out of it. I need you to help me. I need you to—” I couldn’t finish. Seeing her like this was draining me. Maybe Sara was right. Maybe we needed to get her some help.

  After I helped her lay down, not bothering to put a blanket over her since it wasn’t cold, I left her room. Hearing voices coming from my room, I headed that way instead of down the stairs. Josie and Sara were talking and laughing. I was glad they got along.

  Josie

  Sara was adorable. Still able to picture her as an eight-year-old, I was blown away to see her grown-up beautiful face. Her green eyes were dazzling and brilliant like Seth’s. She could put on a few pounds but she had the right amount of curves. Her hair was long with layers, kind of like mine. I didn’t think I would have recognized her if I’d seen her walking down the street. Sara took me to Seth’s room. I didn’t ask, but she thought it would be fun for me to see his yearbook pictures.

  Seth’s room was the perfect size. A bed was set in the right-hand corner, away from the window. With a brown duvet covering his bed, several decorative pillows rested against the wall. The wooden desk was near the door but touching the light-blue wall at the far end. A couple of posters of a rock band I didn’t recognize adorned the walls, but other than that, it was clean and simple.

  Sara placed a yearbook in front of me. “Look how young you two looked,” she gushed, pointing to my picture at the top and sliding her finger down to find Seth.

  “He was so cute,” I said. “He didn’t know it, but all the girls had a crush on him. I was the lucky one.”

  “Really?” Sara’s pitch rose. “I always thought he was a dork.” She laughed.

  “That’s because you’re his sister. Seth was sweet. He wasn’t the pushy type. In fact, he was laid back, sure of himself, but not cocky like some boys. He was perfect.”

  Sara grimaced. “Gross.” Then she laughed again. “I’m sure my brother is nice, but he seems boring.”

  I lifted a brow at her. “Like I said, you’re his sister, so you’ll find anything he does is gross and boring.”

  We exchanged a few laughs before Sara had to leave the room to make a phone call. She suggested I stay in Seth’s room and that she would let him know I was in there when she had the chance. I wondered what was taking him so long.

  Plopping myself on his bed felt strange, like I was invading his space. I didn’t know why I felt that way. Maybe because waiting in a guy’s room seemed so intimate, like only his girlfriend should be allowed in there. There wasn’t much to see and I didn’t want to be nosey with his stuff, so I stayed put and observed what I could from where I sat.

  The white shutters were tilted down, allowing the outside light to seep through. I could see the half moon and a few shining stars gracing us tonight. Though it was hot outside, the temperature was perfect inside. It seemed as though the air conditioning had been on for a while and was very recently turned off.

  Studying Seth’s desk, I noted a silver lamp, a computer, and some miscellaneous items like pens, a notepad, tape, coins, and even a dog tag. Shifting my eyes upward, I saw a brown corkboard hung above. On the corkboard were long papers that had his work schedule and a “things-to-do” list pinned to it. In the lower right-hand corner was a yellow crumpled paper that looked like a sticky note. Curious, I leaned over the desk to read it. Slightly smudged with dirt, the writing looked smeared.

  I pulled back to take a moment and breathe. It was the Post-it note I’d peeled off Mrs. Underwood’s desk to give to Seth. The numbers were written in pencil. Though I couldn’t recognize the phone number anymore, that was my printing for sure. Seth had kept it all these years? Oh my God! My heart filled with joy, and at the same time, it pricked in pain. My Seth! He loved me. He must have thought about me just like I had of him. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I didn’t know what to think of all this.

  Obviously, we had grown up and changed. Could we make this work? When I sat on his bed with the yearbook in my hands, the phone vibrated inside my purse. I remembered to look at the caller ID, and sure enough, it was an unknown caller. Knowing it was my mom, I didn’t answer it. If she was really sick, then I felt a duty to see her. I hoped she wasn’t lying, not that I wanted her to die—I think. I decided to let it go to voice mail and I would deal with her another day.
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br />   “Josie?”

  I jumped, feeling my heart pound in my chest, nearly dropping the yearbook. “Seth.” I gasped and gave myself a second to recover. “I hope you don’t mind me being in your room. Sara brought me here to show me the yearbook from sixth grade.”

  Seth rubbed the back of his head, walked in, and closed the door behind him. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt nervous.

  “Not a problem.” He glanced around, probably making sure he didn’t leave out something he didn’t want me to see. Then his eyes darted to the corkboard. I pretended not to notice, but I knew he was looking at the yellow sticky note. “You didn’t see dirty underwear or red panties, did you?”

  I shot my eyes to him, biting my lip with a pouty expression. “Really? You have girls in here all the time?”

  Seth plopped next to me on the bed. “Nah. I’m not like that.” His eyes skimmed over me in a heated way. Feeling the weight of his intense stare made me weak and dizzy. I knew he didn’t mean to, but the way he looked at me suggested he wanted to kiss me—maybe more. I think I was waiting. “Let me show you something.” Seth broke his spell on me and turned to the back of the page.

  My eyes grew in wonderment. “Oh wow.” It was a picture of Seth and me, standing side by side. I knew we would’ve held hands if we could have, but it wasn’t allowed. “That’s you and me. You look so cute, Seth.”

  “I looked like a dork,” Seth snorted. “I can’t believe my bowl hair cut. But you looked like a princess.”

  His words touched my heart and I melted a little, but seeing that picture also brought me back to the horrible times with my parents. Seeing the braids and not a single strand out of place gave me icy chills. Memories rushed through me like dangerous waves crashing against the shore—only they slammed against my body instead. I jerked when Seth placed his hand on my shoulder.

  “Josie, you okay?”

  “Yeah.” I twitched when the phone buzzed again.

  “Do you need to get that?”

  “Nope.” I swallowed, feeling Seth’s hand caress my cheek. He looked like he was far away, yet his focus was on my face.

  “I used to wonder what it would’ve been like to kiss the grown-up Josie.” His words escaped his mouth softly and tenderly.

  Feeling Seth’s warm breath against my ear had me unglued. Oh God! I was going to lose it. Tingling sensations flooded through me, feeling like thousands of butterflies dancing in my stomach.

  “Seth,” I murmured, barely a whisper. “I used to wonder the same thing.” Oh hell, what was I thinking? Getting close to him would only make this harder for the both of us. We’d already kissed. It wasn’t like we were sleeping together. So what was the harm in another kiss? But kissing Seth was like giving away a piece of my heart I couldn’t take back. The first time—the day I left and never returned—was the most painful one. The second one, at the campground, lingered and stayed on my mind, making me want more. His kiss was poison, and there was no remedy.

  “Josie,”—Seth murmured in a hoarse whisper—“you should sit on my bed more often. You decorate my room with your beauty.”

  “Huh?” I wasn’t sure what I’d heard. I was too hypnotized by his thumb slowly gliding across my bottom lip.

  “I think…I’m falling.”

  That was the last thing I heard before his lips were on mine. The pressure and intensity of his kiss had me spinning. I didn’t realize Seth had guided me to flat on my back with my feet still touching the hardwood floor. His chest hovering over me felt domineering and strong, as his tongue explored inside my mouth and his arms cradled me. I completely surrendered to him, sinking into the mattress.

  Seth pulled away panting, looking overcome when he heard footsteps getting closer and louder. Pulling me up, he said, “Sorry, I got a little carried away.”

  “I didn’t mind,” I said. Giving him a smirk, I fixed my hair with my fingers.

  “I think Sara might have heard us.” Seth got up to open the door.

  “I think she did.” My smile turned into a frown when my phone vibrated, making a soft humming sound. The noise sounded louder in the quiet.

  “Someone wants to get ahold of you.” Seth leaned against his door.

  I got off the bed and looked to see if Sara was standing nearby. “It’s nobody important. I should get going.”

  Seth draped his arms around me and guided me down the hall. I was all smiles, giddy like a schoolgirl, when I suddenly froze. I saw a lady sitting on the bed, looking listless. She was looking at me, but she wasn’t seeing me. Before I could grasp that it was Seth’s mom, I saw my mom. I lurched back, feeling all my air leave me in panic. When Seth’s arms stopped my momentum, it brought me back to reality, but not quite.

  Every inch of my instinct told me to run, but my common sense reminded me that it wasn’t my mom. I gathered my strength to meet her, assuming Seth would introduce me to her, but it never came. And I was all too glad and relieved.

  “I’ll introduce you to my mom later. Ever since Dad passed away, she’s hasn’t been quite herself.” We rounded the corner and went down the stairs.

  Sometimes, happiness was a big tease. Just when I thought I’d captured it, it slipped right out from under me. Seth’s mom was going through something all right. It was called depression. There was no way I could be around to see this. As much as Seth meant to me, I’d been through too much with my mom and I refused to go back there…to the darkness…to hell.

  CHAPTER 20

  Josie

  Seth’s mom’s eyes told me she was in another place, a place where she felt safe, hiding away from the world, hiding away from the pain. I could understand. Her husband, her other half, had passed away. It must be the hardest pain she’d had to endure, and I hoped it didn’t convert to something more. Mom would get into the same mood on and off again. When it was off, she was quiet and nonresponsive like Seth’s mom. But when she was on, all hell broke loose.

  The next day, I went to work. Keeping busy kept my mind from running with crazy thoughts, but I couldn’t help thinking about Mom, Brad, and Seth. Sometimes, I mixed up the orders and sometimes I forgot what the customers had ordered. Ugh! I had to get a grip.

  It was after six when I entered my apartment. Starving, I grabbed an In-N-Out burger and ate in the car on the drive home. Seeing lights on and knowing Lexy was home, lightened up my mood.

  “Hey, Josie. You look tired. Did you have a rough day?” Lexy asked, walking out from her room.

  I dropped my purse on the table and plopped onto the sofa. “Yeah. It’s always hard to work on the weekend.”

  “Want something to drink?”

  “No, thank you.”

  Lexy went to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of water. “Oh, by the way, before I forget, someone came looking for you.”

  I sat up straight, feeling my blood pressure shoot up. Mom? “Who was it?” I said as calmly as I could, trying not to freak out.

  Lexy went to the dining table, picked up a piece of folded paper, and handed it to me. “He told me to give it to you. I think he told me his name is Brad. Do you know him? He was kind of flirty.”

  Anger boiled inside me. “We’re old friends. I mean—not good friends, just someone I know. Did he say anything to you?”

  “No.” Lexy took a sip of her water and sat next to me. “How was your date with Seth?”

  “It was—” I couldn’t think of the perfect word to express how I felt, “better than I had expected.”

  “Oh, that’s great. So, is there going to be a second one?”

  “Well, he asked me if I was going to the Pulse. I told him that we were going together. I didn’t know he was going so it worked out. I guessed that will be our date.” I let out a soft chuckle. “And he asked me if I wanted to help Elijah set up too.”

  “Perfect.” Lexy patted my leg.

  “Lexy, you can tell me it’s none of my business, but are you dating anyone?” I asked hesitantly. Our conversations had always been about me, so I
wanted to ask questions about her.

  She placed the bottle down on the table and leaned back into the sofa. “No, but I’m not in a hurry. It will happen when it’s meant to happen. You know what I mean?”

  “Yeah, I do.” I nodded, thinking of how I was still stunned at running into Seth after all these years. Feeling the weight of the paper in my hand dying to be opened, I grabbed my purse and excused myself to my room.

  I opened the note as soon as I closed my bedroom door. Feeling my heart hammering in my chest, I knew the adrenaline was kicking in. A big part of me wished Brad had left me a good-bye note, but I knew there was almost no chance of that. And I was right.

  You come home with me or I’m going to show you who’s in control. No one leaves me.

  I read it twice, making sure I’d read it right. After I crumpled it up, I opened it up again and tore it into pieces. Now what? Brad was going to be a huge problem. Should I run? No! I was tired of running. I was going to be brave and face up to him. I did it with my mom; I could do it with him. If Seth really cared about me, he would understand, I hoped. Seeing the light from my phone flash inside my purse, I contemplated whether to pick it up.

  When the light died, I pulled it out to see that I had a text. It was from Seth: I’m working at my Dad’s shop. Want to come by?

  I should be thrilled, but a part of me wanted to turn down his invitation. Screw it! Why should I let Brad get to me? This was my life. I wasn’t going to ruin it because of him. I texted back: Text me the address. I’m on my way.

  I left Lexy at home and headed to Phil’s Auto Shop. After I’d left, I felt guilty for not inviting her, but I didn’t think she would’ve come anyway. If Seth and I were only friends, she might have come with me, but I knew she would feel like a third wheel.

  The summer heat wasn’t as bad as yesterday, but it was still warm even in the evening. Seth was nowhere in sight when I parked my car at the curb. In fact, the shop looked as if it was closed. I got out of the car, feeling the heat bathe me, and headed to the back. Hearing the sounds of water gushing and rock music, I followed a stream of water below my feet.