Hope's River

by McHeyzer , Margaret

  “But he’s such a quiet guy. What did he do?” She bends in closer. “I want to know everything. Hell, if I’m not having sex, I want to live vicariously through you. Please be a dirty whore so I can hear all the sticky, awesome details.”

  I’m still shocked by what happened. I’ve never had sex in a bathroom anywhere before. Including my own. Ugh, how sad. I’ve never had shower sex. Hmmm, shower sex. “We didn’t do much. He stopped just as I was about to,” I stop talking and look around the restaurant. “Come,” I whisper even quieter.

  “Filthy bastard. I love it. Tell me more.” She knits her hands together like she’s praying, and I can’t help but laugh.

  “He told me if I want him to finish what he started I have to go to his house tonight.”

  Elle’s eyes are so big. She picks her fork up and starts eating. “Eat girl.’ She points to my food. “Because that filthy bastard is going to feast on you tonight. Umm, mmm.” She snaps her fingers. “God, you’re so lucky.” She stops eating, and shakes her head. “I need to get me some sex. Or at least, a good vibrator.” I cover my mouth to laugh at Elle. But my head is still scrambled. The reality is, I don’t think I can just do a booty call. And I’m not entirely sure I can be with him. Elle’s smile begins to fade. “Oh no. What is it?”

  “Nothing. I’m all good.” But I’m not, nowhere near it. But it’s something I need to discuss with River.

  A talk I’ll have with my clothes firmly attached to my body, later tonight.

  A conversation for later tonight.

  Driving out to River’s house I have a million and one thoughts going through my mind.

  The biggest one: I have to stick firm to my decision.

  The next biggest one: I cannot remove one article of clothing.

  My heart’s pounding inside my chest, and my stomach is flipping and flopping like a damned fish out of water. I’m not sure how this is going to be received, but I have to protect myself.

  Pulling into his driveway, I take a moment to get my head right. This is it for us. Only professional contact from here on in. I open the door to my truck, and everything is telling me to turn around and go home. I can’t do this. But I have to do it. It’s the only way we’re going to find peace.

  “Don’t be a jackass,” I mumble to myself.

  Right. This is it.

  Hesitantly I walk up the steps, hyper aware of the native sounds of the ocean crashing against the coast. The spray of the water lightly touches my face, and I look out to the ocean, and smile. It’s so pretty here.

  Lifting my hand, I ball it into a fist, and falter for a mere second before I knock once.

  I’m such a wimp when it comes to River. I always crumble, unable to stay away from him.

  He opens the door, and God damn it, he looks so good. His dark hair is lightly disheveled, and his dark eyes are looking at me like I’m his dessert. I swallow, and tear my eyes off his tall frame. Jesus, Lord help me. His jeans are riding low around his hips, and his white t-shirt clings to his upper arms.

  Nope, not gonna ride him. Nope, no way.

  He will not take his jeans off, we will not get naked, and I will not straddle that magnificent cock of his and go to town like my life depends on it. Nope, not gonna happen.

  “I’m glad you came.”

  “But I didn’t, you stopped before I did,” I exclaim. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I screw my face up, I should be shocked at my outburst, but I’m not. “Sorry.”

  “Come in.” He steps aside, and waits for me to enter the house.

  But, if I do, I know every single article of my clothing will be on his floor within four nanoseconds, and there I’ll be, in all my glory, waiting for him to devour me. I step backward, away from him. “I’m not coming in.”

  “Public exhibition isn’t something I’m really into, but hey, I’ll give it a go if that’s what you want.” He smiles, but I don’t. I’ve got too much happening in my head. “Huh.” His smile quickly dissipates. “Right.”

  Where do I start? How do I tell him? “We can’t do this.”

  “And here we go again.”

  I lean against the railing, and sigh. “We don’t work.”

  “Okay.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest, and looks at me, waiting for more.

  Chewing on my bottom lip, I try to tell him what’s in my head. I have to tell him the truth. “I fell in love with you all those years ago. And every time I’d get close to you, we were torn apart.”

  “Yep,” he confirms with a head nod.

  “I’ve never stopped loving you. But this time it’s different.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I know I’m leaving Hope River, and that’s a circumstance that’ll tear us apart…again. And I’m terrified it’ll des…”

  He holds his hand up. “Stop right there.”

  “What?” I crinkle my brows.

  “You’re terrified. You don’t want to start something with me, because you’re terrified.”

  “Well, I am leaving,” I argue. “You’ve misinterpreted what I’m trying to say.”

  “Nope, I haven’t. You’re terrified that you and I will work, so you stay hidden in your own head, justifying throwing obstacles in the way because you can’t deal with the hurt again. So, let’s put all the bullshit aside, and admit to what’s really going on. You’re scared.”

  “Of course, I’m scared. Aren’t you?” I yell as I step away from him.

  “Nope.”

  Swinging around, I stare at him and don’t see an ounce of doubt. “We get together, then something happens, and we’re split apart. I don’t know what it is, it could be kismet, or fate, or whatever. But we can’t be together. It doesn’t make sense.”

  “Because you’re so happy with your life without me in it.”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying. Absolutely I prefer we were together, but…” I take a breath as I smack my hands together with each word I say, “We. Don’t. Work.”

  “We didn’t work, and now we can’t work because you won’t let it happen. Because again, you’re scared,” he’s adamant, and won’t relent.

  Turning away, I walk around the porch to face the ocean. I hear the deck creak, knowing River is right behind me. “Okay, tell me what happens when I’m finished with the house?” I lean against the railing again. Placing my hand on my hip, I’m trying to make the most obvious point I can.

  “Tell me what you think will happen.”

  “Your life is here, mine isn’t. I’ll sell Old Roger’s house, and leave. You’ll be here, and I’ll be five hours away!” I tell him.

  “And that right there is why we won’t work, Hope.”

  “Finally, you’re getting it. Long distance doesn’t work.”

  He smirks as he looks out over the ocean. “It has nothing to do with long distance. It has to do with you.”

  “What? I don’t want to move here.” I don’t think I do.

  “But never did you ask me if I was willing to move for you.”

  Wait, what? He’d move to be with me? “What?”

  “You’ve been so hung up in your own head, stuck with the idea that you won’t move here, but never once did you ask me if I’d move to be with you. You’ve been blocking us all along, Hope.” He steps into me, gently cupping my face in his warm palms, and leans down to kiss my forehead. “Ask me.” My brows draw in together. “Ask me,” he says again with a softer tone.

  What if he says no? What if he says yes? I shake my head, unable to ask him to do something so drastic as uprooting his life, and moving. “I can’t.” I step away from him.

  “So you’re self-sabotaging again. You don’t want us together even when I’m giving it to you on a silver platter.”

  “What? No, I’m not,” I answer. I would never hinder my chances of true happiness.

  “It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.”

  “I’ve never self-sabotaged.”

  “Really? Let’s look at your past. T
he first time, I couldn’t help us moving, so neither you nor I could’ve stopped that. The second time you lost your phone.”

  “Yeah, but I told you I used to always lose my phone,” I say trying to defend myself.

  “Yeah, you did. But again, self-sabotage. You knew it had my number and my address, and you still lost it.”

  “That could’ve happened to anyone.” I walk away from him, and place my hands on my head, frustrated and emotional. “How could you blame that on me?” I say through a tight jaw.

  “Because you’ll do everything you can not to be fully happy with your life. That way, you can say, ‘See things don’t work out, but at least I have my business.’”

  Does he honestly think I don’t want to be happy? “How can you say that?”

  “Because you can have it all, Hope. All you need to do is stand still.”

  “I don’t run away.”

  “Yeah? What brought you to Hope River?” he rapidly replies.

  My shoulders slump, and my chin slowly lowers. Shit. “I…” I swallow the lump in the back of my throat as I desperately try to moisten my dry mouth. “I can’t do this, River. Not now.” I head back to my car.

  “So, because you’re terrified, you’re running. Again,” he calls as I get more space between us.

  “No, I’m not running.”

  “This isn’t the way to move forward, Hope. The only way we can make this work is if you stay and we talk.”

  I turn on my heels, fury running through me. “Yeah, and what happens when you decide to leave? Or you decide to smack me because you’re bored of me and you’re out screwing someone else and you’re trying to blame me for your infidelity? Or you decide I’m no longer enough for you? Then you leave, and I’m left with a massive hole in my heart, and you’re out doing whatever with whoever else!”

  River’s mouth closes before he steps forward and rakes his hand through his hair. “You have to know, you may see yourself like that, but I don’t.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like you’re not enough. To me, you’re everything.” He half shrugs. “When you’re ready to be with me, Hope, I’ll be here. But don’t wait too long. I’m a damned good man who’ll treat a woman well. Remember, I won’t be on the market forever.”

  “Are you threatening me?” I get up in his face, mad at him for putting this on me.

  He takes me in his arms, and kisses me softly on the lips. “Not threatening, just laying it out for you to understand, love. Eventually, I’m going to get really tired of waiting for you to get your shit together. Right now, right here, we can make this work, but you have to want it badly enough that you’ll never even think about running again. I’m setting you free, and praying you come back to me. But until then, I’m done chasing.” He places another kiss on my lips, then walks away from me. “Drive home safe.” He leaves me outside, as he goes back into his home and shuts the front door.

  What have I done?

  Fuck!

  It’s probably for the best.

  “You look like death,” Elle says when I walk into her café.

  “Thanks,” I reply.

  “What’s happening? Why are you like that?” She makes a circular motion with her hand toward my face.

  “Two coffees please, Elle, and a muffin for Charlie.”

  Her brows lift, and she adds in a slow nod. “Aha, that bad?”

  I notice Murray’s not in yet, and I carefully check no one else is listening. But no one is. “I haven’t spoken with River for a week.”

  “Jesus. Here I thought he had you chained up in his room and was having his wicked way with you. That’s why I hadn’t messaged you. What happened? You were supposed to be a dirty whore, remember? I have to live through you.”

  Elle makes me smile, but really, I’m too caught up in my own head to offer her more than just a small grin. “Anyway, what’s happening?”

  “Nope.” She waggles her finger at me. “What’s happening with you two?” I rapidly blink, holding in my stupid tears. I look up at the light, and let out a deep breath. “Oh shit,” she says.

  “It’s okay. It’s better this way.”

  The bell chimes, and I turn my head, wiping at my tears. “Elle, Hope,” Jake says.

  I clear my throat, and paste on my fake smile. “Hey, Jake, how are you?”

  “Jake.” Elle curtly nods. “Usual?”

  “Please.” Jake knows he’s come in the middle of something, and looks to me, then Elle, then back to me. “Is this something I should know about?”

  “Nope,” I answer before Elle gets in. “Nothing at all.”

  “The house is looking good. How long before you think it will be finished?”

  “Soon.” I might be short with my answer, but I’m in no mood to talk. Elle slides over my two coffees, and I pick mine up to sip.

  “The townsfolk are excited to see it finished,” Jake says.

  “Yeah, I’ve had multiple people ask me for a price. But I’m not ready to give them one yet.”

  Jake nods, then looks at me, and Elle. The tension in Elle’s café is fierce, and I know Jake’s smart enough to tell that something isn’t quite right. “What’s happening?” he asks again, this time with more force.

  I’ve got to say something, because I know he’s going to be persistent. “Boy trouble,” I finally reply.

  “With the one who gave you that black eye when you first came to town?”

  “No, not him. He’s long gone.”

  “River?” Jake asks as he scrunches his nose.

  “Actually, not even him. It doesn’t matter, Jake. I’ll be gone soon and everything will go back to normal.”

  Jake nods, picks up his coffee, silently nods, and leaves.

  “Wow, aren’t you a bright ray of sunshine,” Elle snaps.

  “Sorry that my life isn’t as awesome as yours,” I respond with equal irritation.

  “Awesome? You think my life is awesome? Well done. You’re so self-absorbed that you have no idea what anyone else is going through.” She places the brown paper bag on the counter. “Charlie’s muffin.” She slides it over to me, and turns her back.

  “Elle, I’m sorry,” I say, trying to fix what I’ve done.

  “Sure thing, Hope. You have a good day,” she says. But it’s obvious she’s upset with me, because her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.

  Can this day get any worse?

  I take the coffees and paper bag out to the truck. Opening the passenger door, I lean in and place the coffee cups in the cup holders, and swing the door out a bit too far. The door makes a loud banging sound, and I roll my eyes. “What fucking now?”

  Moving out of the car, I slam the door shut, and notice how it’s hit up against a pole, creating a small dent in the metal. “Are you kidding?” Jesus. Can’t I catch a break? Angry at myself for not noticing the pole to begin with, I get in and put my seat belt on. Looking in the rearview mirror to check for oncoming cars, I see River in the distance.

  I smile, but it quickly fades as I find myself dropping further into my seat. He’s talking to someone, a woman. And not his Mom’s best friend’s daughter. Who’s he talking to? Why is he talking to her? Are they dating? Are they screwing?

  She places a hand on his upper arm, my eyes widen, and I feel like going over there and slapping her hand off him. What the hell? Who is she? Why has she got her hand on his arm?

  Tearing my gaze away, I look forward, but quickly find myself staring at them in the mirror again. I’ve got to stop torturing myself. I’ve made my decision; we can never work. This thing we once had is certainly over now.

  I sit forward, not giving them another look and pull onto the street to head toward Old Roger’s house. At least I know the windows are going in today, and that large sliding door for the back should be delivered either today, or tomorrow morning.

  My mind is completely consumed with River and that woman. How can he be with someone already? Why am I so bent out of shape because of it? He should be
happy, and that’s all I want for him.

  POP!

  What the hell was that? My truck swerves to the right, and the steering becomes quite rigid and hard. I pull over on the side of the road, and get out to see what I hit.

  “You have got to be shitting me!” I yell as I kick the flat. “Really? I’ve had a shit morning already, and you’re now throwing a flat tire in on the equation? Wanna throw any more crap my way?!” I yell up at the sky.

  I could call roadside assistance to come and change the tire for me, but by the time they get here, I could just as easily do it myself. I walk to the back of the truck to lift the spare out.

  Meow.

  “I didn’t see you come out this morning. I thought you were still asleep.”

  Meow.

  “You’re gonna have to move, because I’ve got a flat. I need to get to the jack and the spare. Get out of the way, Cat.”

  Meow.

  He looks up at me, lowers his head, and closes his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Move.” I tap him, and he opens his eyes again. He stands, circles around, lays back down and wraps his tail around him. I slide him to the side, and lift my spare out.

  “Do you need a hand there?” an older man asks as he comes out of his house to see what I’m doing.

  “No, thank you. I’ve got a flat, but I can change it.”

  “If you need anything, I’ll leave the front door open.” He re-enters his house. Who leaves the front door open for a stranger?

  “Thank you!” But I doubt he heard me.

  I grab the jack and the lug wrench. I bend with the wrench to loosen the lug nuts on the tire.

  Shit, how tight are these? Who the hell fastened them to begin with? A freakishly strong alien?

  “Need a hand?”

  Great, exactly who I didn’t want to see again today. River.

  “Nah, I’m good.” You better get back to the arm-toucher who was fawning all over you.

  I hear his truck go silent, then his door shuts. “You sure?”

  Standing, I swing around angrily. “I don’t need you to save me, River. I’m capable of doing it myself.”

  He holds his hands up and backs away. “I never said you needed saving. All I ever said was that you self-sabotage. Exhibit A.” He points to the tire.