Geezer Paradise

by Robert Gannon

  "How did you get up?" Sofie asked.

  "I forget, I think I climbed up on the back." We all moved to the back of the boat. Snydely threw one leg over the rail and fished around for something to stand on. Step on the rudder," we all said at once. Snydely's foot finally found the huge wooden rudder, and he started to climb down. Oscar swung down behind him like he lived there and the rudder was his back stairs.

  Snydely was quiet as we walked back to the Wrangler. I breathed a sigh of relief. We had almost lost our jobs. Willey, Oscar, and Snydely, got in the back seat. There really wasn't enough room back there. I looked in the rear view mirror. Oscar was standing between Willey and Snydely. Oscar had his arm across Snydely's shoulders. Snydely didn't seem to mind.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  THE NEXT MORNING I noticed Oscar was scratching his ears a lot. I looked closer and saw his ears were red inside. Sofie looked up the number of the nearest veterinarian. Willey and Sofie stayed behind to watch Snydely, in case he decided to run again. I loaded Oscar into the Wrangler and drove to the business section of Tarpon Springs. I parked at a meter, dropped a few quarters into it and Oscar and I walked into the vet's office. It was a pleasant little waiting room with lots of colorful pictures on the walls and an aquarium filled with brightly colored fish swimming back and forth. There was a large tabby cat sitting on its owner's lap, watching every move the fish made.

  Three other people sat waiting with their animals. There was a young boy holding a glass fish tank with a large yellow snake in it. I figured he got the snake to scare his mother. Judging by the fact that nobody was sitting next to him, not even his mother, I'd say it was working. I went up to the counter and gave the young girl my name, and Oscar's name. She entered our information into the computer.

  "Please take a seat Mister Smith," she said. "The doctor will see Oscar as soon as she can. Call me paranoid, but I didn't feel safe using my right name. I sat down next to the kid with the snake and held Oscar's hand, so he wouldn't wander off and get into mischief.

  The kid looked at Oscar and said, "Cool." I thought he might try to trade his snake for Oscar, but he didn't. Oscar kept giving the snake the evil eye. The snake glared back at him. The people in the waiting room smiled at Oscar. Oscar worked the room, smiling back at them. Thirty minutes later we got in to see the vet. Doctor Lipton was a pretty young woman, probably just out of college. She smiled when she saw Oscar and led us into the examining room.

  "Hello, Oscar," she said. "I love your outfit." She picked him up and sat him on the table. "What can I do for you?" she asked.

  "He's been scratching his ears," I said.

  "Let's take a look." She picked up a flashlight and looked into both of Oscar's ears. "He has some ear mites," she said. She opened a drawer and took out a small tube, and a small, brown bottle. She opened the bottle and poured some of the liquid onto a piece of gauze. She wiped the inside of Oscar's ears. Then she opened the tube and squeezed some ointment onto another piece of gauze, and rubbed that into Oscar's ears. She handed the medicine to me.

  "Use these twice a day. It should clear up in a few days." Then she gave Oscar a thorough check-up. He was healthy. I thanked her and we went out into the waiting room again. I was almost up to the counter to pay the bill when I saw her. There was another monkey there--a girl monkey. Oscar had already seen her and was headed her way. I knew it was a girl monkey because she was wearing a yellow polka dot sundress and her owner had clipped a yellow bow on top of her head. Oscar was smitten. He stood there and stared at her with a big, goofy smile on his face. I was going to have trouble getting him out of there.

  The girl monkey's owner was an exotic looking woman in her fifties, with piercing black eyes, a prominent nose, and streaks of gray in her raven black hair.

  She was well dressed and had the look of someone who didn't have to worry about money.

  "Hello, young man," she said to Oscar. "This is Lulu." She patted Lulu on the head. "And what is your name?"

  "His name is Oscar," I said. "We didn't expect to see another monkey here. This is a pleasant surprise for Oscar. I haven't seen him this happy for a long time."

  "They do seem rather taken with each other, don't they?" the exotic lady said. "Lulu hasn't been around other monkeys for quite some time." The woman held out her hand, "I'm Evelyn Hampstead," she said.

  I shook her hand. "I'm Barney McGee, glad to meet you." I didn't think she would be a threat, so I didn't mind using my real name.

  "Lulu is a descendant of the monkeys in the Barnum and Bailey Circus," she said. "My family were circus people way back then." I was surprised that she was so friendly and outgoing. Most people these days are afraid to talk to strangers. It's a shame.

  She seemed hesitant for a few seconds, then she said, "Mister McGee, have you ever given any thought to breeding Oscar? He's such a perfect specimen." So that's what she wanted. I looked at Oscar. He was almost drooling over Lulu, and Lulu seemed to feel the same way. It was monkey love, how could I refuse. Of course, Oscar was Willey's monkey, not mine. But I was sure that Willey would agree.

  I said, "I'm sure Oscar would like that. Maybe we could get them together sometime."

  Evelyn said, "Unfortunately, it's not that simple. The female has to be in heat to be receptive." Lulu looked very receptive from what I could see, but I'm not an expert on monkeys. This woman seemed to know what she was talking about. "It would probably take about a week for them to couple," she said. "Would you mind leaving Oscar with me for a week or so? I promise I'll take good care of him."

  "I'm sure that could be arranged," I said. "When would you want him?"

  "Would it be possible for me to take him with me now?"

  I thought that over for a few seconds. I couldn't let Oscar down. "Yes, that would be alright," I said. I handed her Oscar's medicine. "Oscar has ear mites, would you mind?"

  "Not at all. I'll take very good care of him."

  "I'll give you my number," I said. "Just call me when you want me to pick him up."

  "Thank you so much, Mister McGee. I've been looking for the perfect mate for Lulu for a long time. But I haven't been able to find the right one. Oscar is just perfect.

  "You're welcome," I said. "And please call me Barney."

  "And please call me Evelyn, Barney. Oh, and by the way, I live in Port Richie. I'm just here visiting friends. Is that too far for you to travel?"

  "Not at all," I said. "In fact I've been planning on going to Weeki Wachee Springs to do research for an article I'm going to write for the Tampa Sun. I have to go past Port Richie on the way."

  "Oh, so you're a reporter."

  "Retired," I said. "I just like to keep my hand in." I didn't mention that I needed the money.

  "Let me give you my number, Barney." She took a pen out of her purse and started to fish around in there for a piece of paper. I went up to the reception counter and took a couple of the vet's business cards to write on.

  I handed Evelyn one. "Thank you." She said. She wrote her telephone number on the back of the card and handed it back to me. I borrowed her pen and wrote our cell phone number on the back of the other card and handed it to her.

  Just then the receptionist came over and said, "The doctor will see Lulu now, Ms Hampstead."

  Evelyn got up and took Lulu by the hand. "Thank you so much, Barney. I really appreciate it."

  "You're very welcome," I said.

  "Come along, Oscar," she said. Oscar was already following Lulu. I watched as Evelyn, Lulu, and Oscar, filed into the examining room.

  "Goodbye, Oscar," I said. Oscar didn't even know I was there. I walked out of the office and wondered how I was going to explain to Willey that I'd given Oscar away. Well, for a week or two. Never mind Willey, Sofie will wring my neck. I'd have to make sure Sofie isn't carrying her gun before I tell her. I got into the Wrangler and started it up. I'd think of something.

  When I got back to Sofie's house I told Willey and Sofie what happened. Willey thought it was hilario
us, but Sofie was worried. "I just hope she treats him well," she said.

  I said, "Don't worry, Sofie. By the way they were looking at each other, I'm sure she'll treat him just fine. I just hope Oscar behaves himself."

  I hadn't been back at Sofie's more than a few hours before Willie's phone rang.

  Willey answered it. "It's for you, Barney. It's Oscar's mother-in-law. It sounds like Oscar has been a bad boy." I took the cell phone. I noticed the number on the screen was a Port Richie number. They were already home.

  "Hello, Evelyn. Is everything alright?"

  "Oh, Barney," Evelyn said. She sounded distressed. "I let Lulu and Oscar out in my back yard while I went to get some cold drinks, and when I got back they were up in the treetops swing from limb to limb. What am I going to do?"

  "You don't have to do anything, Evelyn. They're monkeys, they're more at home in the trees than they are on the ground. They'll be fine. They'll come down when they tire of it."

  "But Lulu has never been up in a tree before. She'll fall and be killed." Evelyn was starting to panic.

  "Don't worry," I said. "Oscar had never been up in a tree until a week or so ago, but it comes naturally to them. They were created to live in trees. It's in their genes. Now go and get a glass of iced tea and watch how graceful they are in the tree tops. They're safer in the trees than they are on the ground."

  "I hope you're right, Barney."

  "I know I'm right. And the exercise will do them good."

  "I know I sound like an overprotective mother," she said. "But I worry about her."

  "I know you do, but you have to let them try out their wings, so to speak."

  "Alright, Barney. I'll try to relax and wait for them to come down, but I'm too old for this. Thanks for listening to me rant."

  "You're very welcome, Evelyn. Goodbye."

  "Goodbye, Barney," she said and hung up.

  Willey was guffawing. "It's tough being an older parent, huh, Barney?"

  "He's your kid, not mine," I said.

  "But he looks like you," Willey shot back. Sofie got a chuckle out of that.

  I spent the next few days on my computer researching Weeki Wachee Springs. It was quiet around the house without Oscar. Even Snydely asked when Oscar was coming back. But Sofie missed him most of all. After much hard work I was fully versed on Weeki Wachee and its history. Now it was time to go there and see it for myself. The only problem was that Evelyn hadn't called to have me pick up Oscar while I was up that way. I didn't want to make a second trip. So I sat and waited. Finally Evelyn called. All had gone well between Oscar and Lulu. I could pick Oscar up anytime. I told her I would be there that afternoon and I wrote down the directions to her house.

  That was all I needed. I grabbed my camera and a notebook, and told Sofie, Willey, and Snydely, I was going to Weeki Wachee to do some research.

  "Willey, do you want to come along?" I asked.

  "Sure, I'll go. I've never been there."

  Sofie asked if Evelyn said Oscar was alright. I told her Oscar was fine. I asked Snydely if he was okay being left in Sofie's hands.

  "I'll feel perfectly safe here with Sofie," he said. "I'll be fine."

  Willey and I got into the Wrangler and headed north on 19. Within an hour we arrived at Weeki Wachee. We parked in the parking lot, and were picked up by a transporter with five open cars behind it. We bumped our way to the main entrance. After buying tickets we were free to wander around the park. The Spring itself was fairly close to the road and the Weeki Wachee River ran out of the spring. We were told by a Park Ranger that the river wound through the jungle and emptied into the Gulf of Mexico twelve miles to the west.

  The Weeki Wachee River Boat, with a bright red canvas awning, chugged down the river as we walked by. It was loaded with tourists. We could hear the Pilot telling them the history of the spring. The spring was about a hundred feet across. A park guide said, it had limestone walls and nobody yet has been able to find the bottom of it.

  He told us: "All of Florida was under water for millions of years after the earth's temperature rose and the ice caps melted, raising the sea level. While it was under the sea it acquired a thick mantle of limestone, created by tiny sea creatures that formed a sort of flat reef over the seabed. Then when the earth's temperature cooled, the ice caps returned and the sea level dropped, and the Florida peninsula rose up out of the sea. Over time, the water runoff from the mountains of Georgia , and the heavy Florida rains seeped into the porous Florida limestone base, and ran from north to south , creating underground rivers. In some places the water rose to the surface and created springs. The Weeki Wachee Spring pumps up 170 million gallons of crystal clear, seventy-two degree water each day into the Weeki Wachee River."

  Across the spring the roof of the viewing building stood just above the surface of the water. Inside was a viewing area cut into the spring's limestone walls sixteen feet below the surface. There, through the glass wall, visitors can watch the mermaids; pretty young girls wearing fish-like tails perform an underwater ballet. Willey and I walked down by the river and were looking around at the scenery, when a young girl with a ponytail popped her head up out of the water.

  It startled us. She was wearing a wetsuit and a diving mask. She didn't have a snorkel. She had a clipboard in her hand and wrote notes on it with a grease marker. Then she disappeared beneath the surface again. My guess was she was a college student doing a project for class about the river's environment.

  I was worried about her because it seemed alligators swam in the river, too. Although, the Weeki Wachee website said that in the old days an alligator sometimes swam in the spring with the mermaids while they did their act. We watched the girl surface and dive for a while, and then we moved on to see the wildlife.

  They kept the alligators down on the river bank. You could view them safely from a raised sidewalk with a Cyclone Fence between you and the big lizards. I didn't see any barrier to keep them out of the river. They looked like they were made of black rubber. They just lay there soaking up the sun and warming up their cold blood.

  Next to them was a rhinoceros. We stood above, looking over the fence at him. He was lying on his side on a concrete slab down at the water's edge. He was trying to sleep, but a group of eight vultures had other ideas. They thought he was dead, and they wanted to eat him. They surrounded the rhino, and then one vulture ventured forward toward the rhino's hind end and tried to take a bite out of it. Without opening an eye the rhino shot out a hind leg and knocked the vulture ass-end-over-tea-kettle. The vultures commiserated for a while, and watched some more. After a while they decided the rhino was surely dead. Another vulture went forward and tried to take a bite out of the rhino's large hindquarters. Again the rhino shot his leg out and sent that vulture sprawling. We watched this little drama through five attempts and five leg kicks.

  Finally we decided that vultures were the dumbest birds on the face of the earth, and moved on. We went over to Buccaneer Bay and watched the people cavorting in the water. They had an overhead water slide system that ran water down the slides. The people would climb up and ride the twisting slide down to the water below, where then were dumped into the shallow end.

  As we walked back to the entrance we heard a park guide telling a group of people that in the winter months, large numbers of manatees and otters swim upriver from the Gulf to swim in the spring's warm, seventy-two degree water. As we walked the grounds I saw that the river and the surrounding area were strikingly beautiful. It was what Old Florida looked like a hundred years ago. I snapped pictures of everything I thought was interesting and made notes as we roamed around.

  "I think I have enough to write the article," I said to Willey. "Want to go get Oscar and head back?"

  "Sounds good to me," Willey said. We headed back to the entrance, and got back on the road again.

  I followed the instructions Evelyn gave me and found the house without any trouble. It was a good sized house with a large, wooded lot. Willey said he'd w
ait in the Wrangler. Evelyn answered the door and let me in.

  "I hope Oscar behaved himself," I said, as we walked to the rear of the house where Oscar and Lulu were sitting on the sofa watching television. They made a cute couple. I noticed Oscars shorts had been washed and ironed.

  "Oscar was a perfect gentleman," Evelyn said.

  When Oscar saw me he smiled. "Hi, Oscar. It's time to go home." I reached out and took his hand. He walked with me to the front door as Evelyn thanked me again. Lulu followed us. Evelyn opened the front door, and when Oscar saw the Wrangler he recoiled. He didn't want to go home. I stepped outside and Oscars hand pulled me back. His other hand held firmly to the door jamb. I gave his hand a little tug. "Come on, Oscar," I said. "We're going home." Oscar held onto the doorjamb for dear life. I bent down and tried to pick him up, but as soon as I let go of his hand he grabbed onto the doorjamb with both hands, and started to screech, "Eeeee, ee, ee." Then Lulu started up behind Evelyn, Eeee, eee, eee."

  Evelyn smiled, "It looks like Oscar wants to stay. Would you mind if he stayed a few more days? He and Lulu are quite fond of each other."

  "Are you sure you don't mind?"

  "Not at all. Oscar is always welcome here."

  "Then let me pay you for his food," I said, and reached for my wallet.

  "I won't hear of it," Evelyn said. "Oscar is Lulu's guest. I'm just sorry to have brought you up here for no reason."

  "Actually," I said. "I was doing research at Weeki Wachee Springs for that newspaper article I told you about. So it wasn't out of my way at all." I let go of Oscar's hand and he ran to the back of the house, with Lulu trailing right behind him.

  Evelyn said, "I'll call you in a couple of days just to let you know how things are going."

  "Alright, I'll wait to hear from you." I waved goodbye and headed for the Wrangler.

  "Where's Oscar?" Willey asked.

  "He's going to stay for a few more days. He didn't want to leave."

  Willey smiled. "That little devil," he said. "But Sofie's going to miss him."