Devotion (Indecision Duet Book 2)

by Brittany Fuller

  Forever yours,

  Noah

  His last words sting with a vengeance I only hope he did not mean as he wrote them. The way we were lingers in my mind, circling around every thought and making it impossible to move forward. As I begin to prepare to reread the letter, I hear the locks click at the front door and drop the paper immediately hopeful Gwen doesn’t catch me reading it for the millionth time.

  She enters the apartment with an irritated sigh. “Damn it woman, shut that song off already. I can’t take it anymore.” She makes her way over to the radio under the window and forcefully hits the power button before turning to look at me. She crosses her arms as I notice her eyes fly to my side and she sees the letter I hoped she wouldn’t notice. Thankfully, she doesn’t say a word, only walks a few steps across the room to a chair and drops down in it. I look down at my lap and swallow back the tears that threaten to break free.

  “If you are going to insist on playing some sappy breakup songs you could at least play some Miranda. I don’t listen to much of that country crap, but if I was in your shoes, ‘Momma’s broken heart’ is better than that whiny crap.” I look up as she gestures towards the radio and rolls her eyes. I smile a sad smile and look down at my hands again.

  I lift my head to continue staring out the window as the events since my accident cease to leave my mind alone. I never made it to the interview at the L.A. Times. Even after I had contacted them to let them know what had happened and they had offered to reschedule, I just didn’t have it in me to face a dream that I once had but didn’t need anymore. Weighed down by the guilt of the decisions I should’ve made, and hurt by the sadness of the only man I’ve ever truly loved leaving, I threw myself into work at the paper and barely left the house when I wasn’t at the office.

  “You know, ever since the accident, you walk around dead to the world.” I hear Gwen snap. She stands once more and makes her way to the kitchen. I hear the door to the fridge open and hear her pop two tops off bottles before returning to the living room and handing one to me.

  “I can’t.” I insist, as she offers me one of the bottles. “Not with the painkillers.”

  She rolls her eyes and shoves the beer closer towards me. “I think your liver can handle it just once. Either that, or it will finally do you in and put you out of your misery!”

  I cave and take the bottle, rolling my eyes as she sits back in her chair across the room from me. I debate not drinking it at all, but give up quickly as I take a much-needed sip and welcome the ease in my shoulders as tension flees me momentarily.

  Rex returned from Kentucky for about one week shortly after him and Noah had left. Barely able to look me in the eye, he checked in on my injuries briefly before running back off as soon as he could get Michael to agree to franchise Gatsby’s in Nashville, which just happens to be only a little over two hours from Noah’s place in Kentucky. I guess hiding out on the other side of the United States is easier than facing one of your oldest friends you helped stab in the back. Guy code and all that bullshit. It still hurts though because I never thought Rex would let someone come in between our brother-sister type relationship. Just like I never thought Noah would ever leave. Once upon a time. But just as that broken record starts to play on repeat in my mind again, Gwen breaks the silence and my train of thought.

  “I have a confession to make,” she says. I stare at her as she nervously stares down at her lap. I watch as she peels the label off her beer bottle and wonder what she could have to say that would make her so hesitant.

  “Save it, Gwen. If this is another remark about how shitty I look, or how pathetic I’m living my life these past few months I don’t want to hear it.” I joke as I look out across the room and take another drink from my bottle. I look over to see her shake her head, still not able to look me in the eye. Continuing to peel the label off her bottle, anxiety beckons slightly as I begin to imagine what kind of confession may be lurking on the surface of this conversation.

  “You got to promise not to kill me when I tell you. Although, in your state, I’m probably pretty safe from the ass kicking I may or may not deserve.”

  Entirely confused, my brow ruffles as I glare back at her and try to make some sense of what she needs to tell me. “It wouldn’t be the first time I may or may not have wanted to kick your ass. So go ahead, it can’t be that bad.” I joke, trying to lighten the mood, but inside I am slightly afraid of what I may be about to hear. She blows out a breath and takes a long drink off of her bottle. Looking out the window, time pauses and hangs in the air while I wait for her confession. She looks back at me and puts her drink down on the coffee table.

  “I know why Noah left, and it’s not what everyone has made you believe.” Holding up her hands she cuts me off from making any kind of remark as she continues. My mouth drops open, and yet continuing her punishing confession I hear her speak further. “Noah didn’t tell me that, but I put it together from what I did hear shortly after he took off with Rex six weeks ago.”

  With a look of shock on my face, I stare at her. I look at her face trying to figure out if she is lying. Trying to see if there is anything else she may not be telling me. When she doesn’t speak, I feel compelled to answer her. “And, you’re just now telling me this, why?”

  She takes a deep breath and glances away. Sadness fills her face as she can’t stand to look me in the eyes. “Honestly, I thought you might get over him. I thought you might forget about everything. I figured with time you’d let it go and everything would just go back to the way it was before he ever existed in your life. Just like you always bounced back after all your other breakups.”

  But I’m not buying it. I know there is more to this story than she is telling me, and I have every intention of getting to the bottom of it. “Forget about everything?” I ask her, as her confession sinks in and takes hold in my heart. “How the hell did you think I would forget about everything after what I told you in the hospital? After I gave up what I did? What would possess you to think that I could ever just let it go, Gwen?”

  She shrugs her shoulders and looks down at the floor. When she looks up at me her eyes have tears in them. “I almost lost my best friend.” I hear her say in a whisper. “If you knew the truth, you’d run off and I’d lose you for good.” A tear falls down her face as I try to reel in my emotions and not lose it on her like I really want to right now.

  “But how could you?” I ask, just beginning the rant I want to let her have, but she cuts me off.

  “Damn it Ev, it wasn’t just that. I was sworn to secrecy. Rex made me promise not to say anything to you. He said Noah needed space. Hell, you did too regardless of if you want to admit it to your stubborn ass self or not!”

  I sit there and drink in her words. As angry as I am, she just may be right. Although the fact that I feel like my friends conspired against me and I had no say in the matter still hurts like hell. How they could make us take a break and force us apart when we both just wanted to be together is shocking.

  “Since when the hell do you talk to Rex anyways, let alone listen to any of the stupid shit he has to say?” She stays silent. Not answering me like I need her to, and only picks up her bottle and continues to take drink after drink until it is almost empty. I look back out the window and replay our fight, the accident, and everything that happened in the hospital over again in my mind.

  “You know what hurts the most, I was so close. So close to everything.” Tears threaten to break free, and I swallow them back as I continue to look out the window. “I had so much to tell him. So much to say. And he just walked away. He left and still doesn’t know that I chose him. What the hell do I do now?” I ask the question aloud, more to myself than to her, but I know she will have some sort of smart answer to my rhetoric question.

  “You can go to Kentucky!” I hear her suggests and it startles me. Looking her way, my eyes widen as I try and even comprehend what she just suggested.

  I roll my eyes at her. Yeah right, like that is
ever going to happen. Kentucky? I’ll admit, what woman doesn’t have a fleeting thought of living in the south and channeling their inner Scarlett O’Hara - but Kentucky?

  I laugh aloud. “Yeah, like that is going to happen.” I joke into my beer bottle as I take a sip. My nerves a little shaken as I hear myself actually start to consider this madness.

  “Come on, Ev, I’m being serious. It’s better than moping through life around here.”

  I look around the apartment and actually debate doing this crazy thing she has suggested for about two seconds before reality kicks in. “Gwen! I have a job here. A life here. I can’t just up and leave it all on a stupid whim and move across the country to a state and culture that I know nothing about!”

  “Who said anything about moving?” She smirks at me as I realize what I just said. “I meant a trip. Like a girls trip to find the guy that broke your heart. You know, like all those sappy Hallmark movies you are always watching.”

  “Who even knows if he wants to see me again,” I whisper to myself. The hurt of everything still stinging. The pain still grabbing ahold and bringing me under with it.

  “Come on! Don’t make me go all Celion Dion 1999 on your ass right now and bust out ‘That’s the way it is,’ because Lord knows I’ll do it.” Gwen stands from her chair and begins to sing the chorus.

  I laugh at her shaking my head as I run my hand down my face and glance back at her with a questioning look. “You’re serious?”

  Shrugging she walks across the room and crosses her arms in front of her chest daring me. “What do you got to lose? You already lost the boy, the dream and your will to live.”

  Laughing, I worry I’m about to regret the decision I subconsciously feel myself making. A choice I should have thought about first, and many weeks ago before I had even heard the confession Gwen just laid on me. “Alright then.” I hear myself say. “Let’s go to Kentucky!”

  My decision is immediately met with hoots and hollers from Gwen. I laugh at her enthusiasm and wonder why I never thought about following him before. Why I let him get the last word and let his need for space be what defined the end of us. A smile breaks across my face for the first time in weeks, and butterflies dance in my belly at the thought of seeing him again.

  “Girl, I was hoping you’d say that. I already told your boss you were taking the next two weeks off for a family emergency.” Gwen starts to make her way back to the kitchen and I’m stunned realizing what she just said.

  “Wait, you did what?” I shout out at her.

  “Save it, lady! He was more than happy to oblige. Your bad mood these last few weeks making all of us over spending time with you. Time to pack my dear. We’ve got a lot of miles ahead of us to get you back where you belong.”

  Back where I belong? The words echo through my mind. He is where I belong. Where I already am. Where I will forever and always need to be. I just hope he is still willing to hear what I have to say. Not that I am sure exactly what that is just yet.

  Noah

  Sitting on the front porch of my childhood home, I can hear Loretta Lynn’s “Coal Miner’s Daughter” drifting through the open windows as a storm rolls closer in the distance. Returning home from work earlier, I grabbed some sweet tea and claimed the spot I have been sitting in for almost an hour now still not able to escape the memory of what I left behind several weeks ago. Lately, I have been doing better, but this morning I woke up in a cold sweat after seeing her face haunt me in my dreams all night. Remembering her taste, the feel of her skin against mine and everything that we once were has consumed me all day. Staring off in the distance, I try and erase even the slightest amount of her memory only making me feel more hopeless.

  I watch the sky, as the clouds roll and blend together. The humidity picks up slightly and the breeze blows mother nature around in front of me. In the distance, the sky is black as night as the storm quickly approaches, and I know it is only a matter of minutes before we feel the effects of what has already hit a few towns over. A gust of wind smacks the front door closed as I welcome the fresh breeze against my skin. Moving back home with my mother is not something I am proud of having to do as I thought I would be so much further in life by now, but it is only temporary. A few more weeks and I will have finally saved enough to get my own place again after having to pay off the lease in California. The trip across the country set me back a little as well, so when my mother offered a few weeks back I reluctantly accepted as I began to contact all my old friends looking for any work possible. Giving up on construction for a while, I took a job at the local fire department.

  “Uncle Noah, are you going to come play with me now?” I hear a sweet little voice coming from just behind the screen door.

  A smile comes to my face as I look over to see the blue-eyed, blonde-haired little four-year-old girl with paint smeared across her cheek. Her overalls are dirty from playing outside earlier before the storm started brewing, and her hair is a mess half way pulled up with bangs plastered to her forehead. I stand happily ready to make my way towards one of my littlest and best friend’s in life, Anna May.

  “Of course darlin’,” I say as I walk towards the door. A grin appears instantly on her sweet face as she runs back off into the house. She is a much-needed distraction, and as I open the door and step inside my mother’s house already filled with the smell of her cooking no one will ever be able to copy, I feel the tension I was feeling moments before slowly start to ease in my shoulders. Walking into the kitchen situated down the hallway and to my right, I notice my mother is already at the small kitchen island busy canning some of her famous strawberry preserves from the homegrown strawberries Anna May helped her pick from the garden out back earlier today. My niece is at the small round kitchen table, painting a picture that I can barely make out, but one which will absolutely be placed on the fridge with all her others.

  “This is Buddy, bobby’s doggie. He came over to play with me lasterday and he licked me all over my face.” Anna May giggles as she continues to paint a picture of a big black blob. I pick her up and set her in my lap as she continues to paint, watching her swirl every color of the rainbow into a big circle next to a stick figure of Bobbie's dog.

  “Buddy huh, he looks kind of hairy to me.” I look up and notice my mother smile across the room, continuing to hum along with the music and make herself busy with her canning.

  “Mhhhmm,” Anna May giggles. “Momma says one day we can get a doggie too. Do you like doggies, Uncle Noah?”

  I kiss the top of her head and lean in to whisper in her ear. “I love doggies Anna May. Just like I love you. Only I don’t know, I think I might like doggies more.”

  She looks up at me and rolls her eyes. “Uncle Noah, you can’t love anything more than me, remember? I’m your favorite.”

  Laughing I hug her a little tighter as she pulls me from all the thoughts in my mind I have been trying to escape all day. “You sure are darlin’,” I whisper in her ear. “Just don’t tell your MeeMaw that.” She giggles some more and wiggles in my lap as my mother glances up at us across the room. Placing another can in the pressure cooker, she wipes her hands on her apron before glancing back up at me.

  “How’s work going baby? You came home today and just took straight to that front porch. You doing ok, honey?” I could tell my mother worries about me, even more so since I showed back up in town and didn’t want to offer much of any sort of explanation. I try not to worry her much, especially after my father’s death.

  I shrug and fake a smile, feeling a little guilty as to how I never really told my mother why I returned home with basically just the clothes on my back after being gone so long. She never really asked as I threw myself back into my old life - until right now. But that kind of conversation is not for little ears attached to one of life’s greatest gifts sitting on my lap and plopping paint on a piece of paper growing smaller and smaller by the minute with the number of different colors she is swirling around. The front door slaps open against the
wall and it isn’t long until I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. My sister rounds the corner just as Anna May flys out of my lap to meet her with open arms. Any distress that there was on Jolene’s face erases the minute she sees her daughter running towards her.

  “Momma, Momma! Come look. I painted a picture of Buddy from lasterday!” Anna May happily exclaims as she jumps into her mother’s arms. My sister grabs her daughter in a big bear hug and then puts her down taking off her apron from the diner she works at back in town. Being a single mother has taken a toll on her. She hides it well though, as I see her light up for her daughter in only the way a mother can and she walks over to the table to see what Anna May has painted.

  “Awe Baby, I love it. Can we take this one home with us,” she asks, before walking over to where our mother is mixing her preserves together on the stove. Dipping her finger in, she gets a smack from my mother before smiling and walking to the fridge to pull out a bottle of sweet Kentucky wine. Pouring herself a glass, she pulls off her shoes and comes to sit with us at the kitchen table.

  My sister was the only one I let myself confine in when I returned home. Knowing most of the story behind what happened a few years back with Becky, I needed to talk to someone besides Rex and didn’t want to bother my mother with it since she was left to run the family farm after my father committed suicide when we were younger. We tried our hardest not to bother our mother with too much since she struggled to make ends meet and raise us all on her own. Sensing my mood, my sister nudges me slightly and asks, “You ok today?”

  I nod as Anna May runs off into the living room to watch a cartoon that has just come on the TV my mother left on for her earlier. Ever busy, I’ve realized since I have been back it is best to keep multiple things running in order to occupy the four-year-old I love so dear. Having not seen her since she was almost two-years-old, a lot has changed since then - like my sister losing her husband to an opioid addiction which made them lose everything they had and landed him in jail for a long time. Something both women in the room kept hidden from me while I was off on the West Coast chasing a dream that eventually shattered.