When I don’t answer, Rex continues. “I told you once, you may just be wrong about Evelyn and what you’re thinking. Remember, in Memphis. Do I need to remind you again that maybe there is more to this, you and her, than you care to admit right now?”
“She won’t stay.” I finally say. “Not after this.”
“Oh, you think so huh?” Rex asks. I just raise my middle finger at him and keep my eyes glued on the t.v. to his left. “She proved you wrong before, you stubborn ass. What, you don’t think she’d do it again?”
I sit up straight. I’m done with Rex’s shit and need to stop his so-called pep talk here talking about how I can move forward. It would never be fair for me to ask her, make her or even suggest that she stay. And if those test results come back positive, I am not going anywhere. I lost my father young and swore I would never let my own child grow up without a dad. Like it or not, I am stuck. Stuck with a mess that Evelyn is too good for. That she doesn’t deserve to have to try and figure out with me. Stuck with no way out, and a lifetime of maintaining a relationship with a son I have never met and his mother that I can’t stand.
“When do you get the results?” Rex asks.
I shrug. “Anytime I guess. Said it could take three days.”
He takes a sip of his beer and leans forward. “You know, you owe it to her to at least talk to her, Noah.”
I laugh. “Which one? The girl that I can’t bare to see walk out of my life, even though I have to push her away, again! Or the mother of my possible child who I can’t stand to look at, let alone raise a baby with?”
“You can make this work..”
“No, I can’t!” I demand, done with this shitty conversation and needing Rex to leave. “Why would I ever try? Evelyn doesn’t want to stay here, and I’m not leaving. So what good does it do to even begin to work this shit out? To even start to talk. To make her listen. To what? A sorry excuse for the way her life is going to be.”
“She loves you, man!”
“She doesn’t deserve this, Rex!” I yell. “No one deserves this! Not the baby, shit. I will love the hell out of that kid if it is mine. But the baggage. The bullshit. All the other crap that comes along with it.”
I push out of the seat and walk to the window overlooking the front yard. Taking a deep breath, I struggle trying to will myself to walk away, to leave her and it alone when all I want to do is pick up that damn phone and call her over. To be with her, stay with her and never leave her side. But I can’t do that to her. I can’t make her stay and live a life that would make her miserable.
“You know, love is a crazy thing,” Rex says getting up out of his seat. Setting his beer down on the coffee table he walks a few steps in my direction. “Most of the time, it makes you do some really stupid shit. But, every once in a while, we get a real glimpse of the way God intended it to be. That girl would not even second think staying by your side, Noah. She’d give up her life to be with you. Kind of like you were willing to do once upon a time for her.”
“I have no life to give her now,” I say to Rex as he begins walking away towards the door. I watch his reflection stop in the window. He turns to look at me as a sadness fills his reflection.
“That, my friend, is where you are wrong. I just hope you find out sooner rather than later, before it’s too late.”
Rex walks out the door, and as I watch him walk across the gravel road to his car, I say aloud to myself, “It is already too late.”
Evelyn
“Momma, momma, watch me,” I hear Anna May exclaim as she swings on the monkey bars at the park. The morning showers gave way to perfect afternoon sun. After meeting Jolene as she was getting off shift, we picked up Anna May and swung by the neighborhood park.
It has been three and a half days since our run-in with Becky, and I still haven’t heard from Noah. If it wasn’t for Jolene, I would have bought myself a one-way ticket for the West Coast going into day two. Though she has a persuasive way about her, and after some much-needed venting, screaming and coaching, I half reluctantly decided to stick around and wait.
We sit and watch Anna May swing from bar to bar and end with a finale of sorts with a jump to the ground. Clapping, I smile as I watch a little boy come over and ask Anna May to play. Not able to hear what they are saying, I watch as they both smile and run off with a sort of secret to a hidden destination. If only life were that easy once again. The innocence of a child, the ease at making friends and the ability to bounce back from every scrap, cut and bruise like it never happened. I get a glimpse of the two of them poking their heads out around the corner of the play equipment to see if we are watching, which makes me snicker.
“I’m gonna have to keep my eye on that one,” Jolene says. “He’s always here, and always getting Anna May into mischief.”
I watch as Jolene stands and walks over to the two children. Peeking her head around the corner, she scares them in a childish way before coming to standing and setting some ground rules. Both children smile and continue playing joyfully. As Jolene comes back to sit down, I wonder how she’s done this all by herself. Not the mothering, but the parenting.
I am sure it is instinct when you become a mother. Something born inside of you right alongside your child. But the parenting, the adapting through the late nights, diapers, feedings to sitting standing, walking. The school days with parent meetings, early drop-offs and pickups, volunteering - and everything in between. To go through that all on your own and raise a great child like Anna May, that has to be hard. Hard doesn’t do it justice. Unfair maybe, but then I see the way Jolene devotes her life to her child, and regardless of the hard times or the unfair disadvantages, I know there is no other place she would want to be then loving her daughter and giving her the world.
“It’s worth it, you know,” Jolene says almost as if she can read my thoughts when she sits beside me. “Every day. Every morning and night, and even the hours in between. Any parent would give up their life for their own. Quietly, we do. Even in everyday life with everyone watching. This little girl was my savior, and I’ll always give her all I got.”
I watch as the two children run off towards the slide. They giggle at the top of the steps, whispering a secret to one another before Anna May sits down and pushes off. Her hair a mess, her pants dirty from the rain and dirt, she smiles brighter than I have ever seen a child smile as the wind hits her face on the way down the slide and I wonder if it’s possible to have the same feeling even when you don’t birth the child.
If this situation with Noah is true, could I love the baby as much as Jolene says you do? Could I have the same desire to hold, protect and lay down my life for a child I have never met? But then again, what if Noah doesn’t want me to? What if all he wants, is him. Is her. Is a life he had before me.
“Do you ever wonder how it will be when you fall for someone?” I ask Jolene. I take a moment before I speak again, and when I do, it comes out in a whisper. “How will that work with Anna May?”
I turn to look at Jolene. Her face hardens. Her brow furrows, and she sits there deep in thought watching her daughter play. Picking her words carefully, I begin to wonder if maybe I overstepped my ground in asking.
“We have a long road ahead of us, Evelyn. I’m not a stupid woman, I know this changes a lot of things. But it doesn’t change everything. Life goes on. I don’t know if I can answer your question, because that is not a step I am ready for right now, and maybe won’t be for a very long time. But when I am, when it is right, I’ll know.”
I hang my head low and look at my hands. Wringing them together a little, I feel my heart break slightly not knowing where I stand, where I am going, and what is to become of my life.
“He knows too, you know.” She says, nudging me a little. “Men are just stubborn. They need time to think and process. Like when I got pregnant with Anna May. We both cried. But mine were tears of joy. Sure I was scared, but I had never been happier too. Her father though, he was scared and I could tell also f
elt like his life was over. His freedom gone. Sure he came around eventually, but that took time. Noah needs some time - and that’s ok.”
I breathe deep and will the eerie feeling in the pit of my soul to go away. The feeling that she’s wrong, oh boy is she wrong - and it’s only a matter of time before we both know it. Suddenly, a figure appears across the park and starts walking towards us. I could spot that walk anywhere - and in his uniform, there is only one man it could be. I could never tire of watching him in his blue suit fresh from the station look. I sit up a little straighter as he comes closer. The butterflies in my stomach take over and I am not sure if I am about to throw up, pass out or make a fool of myself.
Anna May runs to her uncle, and I see him swing her up in his arms. Kissing her cheek, he continues his walk with her in his arms towards us. My heart melts and breaks at the sight of her in his arms. At the knowledge that there is another child out there that just might be swept away by him, and what a good father he will be.
Once the pair are a few steps within reach, I hear Anna May. “Momma, Uncle Noah said he was gonna take me for ice cream. Can I, Momma?”
I turn and see Jolene roll her eyes just as the two come to standing in front of us and Noah sets Anna May down at her mother's feet. Looking in her daughter’s eyes, Jolene says, “You tell your uncle your mommas already told him not to spoil your dinner two times this last week.”
Anna May rolls her eyes right back. A kid after my own heart, and I can’t help but laugh a little. Turning back around, Anna May sticks out her finger. “Uncle Noah, don’t spoil my dinner.” She takes off running, but turns around once to yell, “But I won’t tell if you don’t.”
I try and hide my snicker, as Jolene rises to stand her ground against her daughter. Looking up, I see concern written all over Noah’s face. He doesn’t smile. Just stares desperately into my eyes. He’s here, and yet he isn’t. A man torn apart and fear rises deep inside taking over all my senses. My breathing stops slightly, and I have to remind myself to breathe again as the weight of what he came here to say hangs in the air around us.
“Can we talk?” He asks, his voice breaking slightly. I nod and rise to meet his stance. He gestures to a park bench a little out of sight and out of earshot from Jolene. I begin the torturous walk towards the bench, hoping like mad he would just spill it, not wanting to go through a conversation I know needs to happen. I want to fast forward. To get to the finish. To where the pieces of everything get put back together again and we can move on, finally. Whatever that move entails.
I reach the bench, and slowly take a seat on top. Noah stays standing. He looks at me first and then stares off in the distance. A distance that mirrors the look in his eyes. A distance I am not sure I can cross if he won’t let me.
When he doesn’t speak, I reluctantly start rambling the more my nerves take over. “I went by the newspaper the other day. Have you met Mary? She’s so sweet. I stopped by there again today to talk to her about a few things.”
Still nothing. Noah stays standing like a statue made of stone. A stone I am not sure I can break, even if I try. Staring off still in the distance, I wonder why he even stopped by if I am going to be the one doing all the talking. And then I remember Jolene and the stubborn time that some men need to process, so I continue.
“I never told you. It all kind of happened so fast, and then the other night...” I stop and watch as Noah’s face grows more worrisome. “Well anyways, they offered me a job…”
Noah snaps and looks at me with a stare that makes me lose my train of thought. His eyes stare into mine with a defense I have never seen before. A hardened reluctance that makes me step back and second guess what I am about to say next.
“Anyways.” I swallow hard. “I stopped by today to tell her I’d take it. They want me to start right away. I mean I can’t do that, I still have to put in some time back home, and then there is a move across country. I was kinda hoping you could help me with that one since you’ve been down that road before.”
I laugh, but Noah isn’t laughing. Stopping abruptly, I take a deep breath and stare off at the playground behind Noah. At Anna May and Jolene. At a life I always wanted and never knew.
“You can’t take that job,” Noah whispers after a moment. My eyes lock on his. That defense is still up, and I try and plead with a sadness in my eyes for it to go away. To disappear, to be replaced with the look I love from the man I love. But he doesn’t budge.
A little nervous, I shrug and continue. “Dreams change. People change.” I say remembering my dream in the hospital. “I thought at one time all I ever needed to be fulfilled was that dream. The one I held onto so tight and measured everyone else up against, but my road doesn’t lead there anymore. That dream wasn’t real, Noah. I am a writer, not married to a job I never got at the L.A. Times. Hell, I can write anywhere. But I can’t…”
“The baby is mine, Evelyn!”
I stop. I don’t breathe. Time stills and all sounds around me fade as his words ring through my ears, and straight to my heart. I don’t blink. My eyes grow wider, and when he turns to look at me, I see tears in his eyes. An emptiness and sadness that I am not sure will ever be erased.
“He’s mine, darlin’.” He repeats sadly. “It’s gonna break me, but I’m going to have to let you go.”
Noah
Her eyes fill with a look that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. My heart breaks right along with hers, and what hurts the most is the knowledge that a predestined fate forever changed us. That we wove ourselves up in a web of promises that will never be fulfilled because of a past I can’t escape. My throat goes dry as I stare into her blue eyes. I swallow back over the tears that threaten to break free from my own and try to think of something to say. Something to leave her with. A piece that we both can hold onto for as long as we live knowing now we won’t be able to be together.
But staring at her, like she is now, perfect and beautiful and a dream I will never experience again - words seem pointless. There is nothing I can say to erase all we have been through. There is nothing I can tell her that will stop the restless nights ahead. All there is left to do is leave, and like a coward, I turn to walk away.
“Stop!” Evelyn yells. I oblige, but I don’t turn around. I keep my stare focused on the kids running around the playground. Of their carefree lives with their futures still ahead of them and wonder how I will ever pick up the pieces of my own.
“You don’t get to walk away,” she cries. “Not this time! Not again! You don’t get the satisfaction of the last word!”
She comes around to stand in front of me. A fiery defense in her posture, but I keep my eyes trained ahead. Ahead to a future without her and damn it if I can’t let myself look back. To stare in her eyes and wonder if we can make this work. If somehow, just maybe, there is still a chance. But I keep my eyes focused. Hell if I can break now. I won’t let her change me, I won’t let her stop me.
“Noah, damn it, look at me!” But my face hardens right along with my heart. I can’t look at her. I can’t see her and all she is willing to give up. All she is willing to give me, so we can make a try at this. A try at a mess of a life that I have made for myself.
“You don’t get to do this, not again!” She screams which makes people stop and look, including Jolene who doesn’t look away like the rest but stays trained on the situation in front of her.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “It is not your decision to make, Evelyn.”
“Oh, so I don’t get a choice!” She yells. “I don’t get a say! You seem to have a shitty habit of knowing what I want. Of thinking you know what is best for me and making my decisions for my life. I’m a grown ass woman Noah, and I can decide on my own!”
I shake my head. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t see. Staying with me is no life for her. Taking care of a child that is not her own, dealing with a mother like Becky, giving up her dreams and staying in a little town in Kentucky when she was made for the li
ghts of the city. She was made for the ocean, and I was made for the country - ain’t no shame in that. She needs to go home, to where she belongs. Finally, after all we’ve been through, that isn’t going to be with me.
“If you stay,” I begin to say very silently. “You will only grow to hate me. I know this. I am tied to this place, Evelyn. Tied to a future I didn’t know when I met you. You need to be free, free to go where ever your life takes you, turns you and spins you around until you make all you ever wanted come true. You won’t be free with me.”
“You’re all I ever wanted.” She exclaims loudly through her tears.
I close my eyes as they well over with emotion. Emotion I won't let her see. Emotion only fit for late nights with a bottle of whiskey as my only comfort. Not now, not when it is taking all of my strength to not break and see the promises she is making me. The words I hoped she’d say but know I can’t accept.
“I have to let you go,” I whisper. “You can’t stay here.”
“Don’t tell me what I need to do, you stubborn ass!” She thunders back which makes me stiffen.
Hardened by her words, I take a deep breath before turning to look her in the eyes. Knowing she won’t go, I take a moment. I drown in her one more time before telling the biggest lie of my life hoping that it sends her packing and ends this tug of war we’ve been in forever.
“I’ve asked Becky to marry me.” Her face fills with horror. “She said yes. I’m meeting her at city hall. It’s time we said Goodbye, Ev. I can’t give you the life you deserve. My life is no longer mine to give. It belongs to my son. I’m sorry.”
I begin to walk away, and stop in my tracks. Desperation takes over. A need to feel her once more. Turning around, I grab her forcibly and pull her against me.
Love, sadness, defiance stares back at me. But I know I have to do this. Have to taste her one last time. Remember the way she felt in my arms, the way her body fit perfectly against me. To feel her come undone in my arms as I take what I want. What she gives me, a love I will never feel again.
Devotion (Indecision Duet Book 2) Page 13