“Don’t do this.” She pleads.
My free hand reaches up and grabs the back of her neck. Gently I pull her close to me. Breathing her in for the last time. I take my time as my eyes draw over every inch of her face. Memorizing her, loving her, needing her like I will never need another woman again.
I watch her eyes as I lean in. They close like magic and I draw out the anticipation, needing to remember her in this moment for the rest of my life. Wanting to stop time, and take this memory with me forever. Kissing her slowly, she opens up for me beautifully. Sensual at first, our lips dance against each others like a promise, a future that we both know doesn’t exist. In a hot desire, our tongues caress each others, erasing the past, present and fearful moments ahead not wanting to part. I pull her closer as if I can’t get her close enough. With speed I find myself taking her kiss, needing the rush only she can give me. She moans as arousal takes over, the world around us non-existent. Her hands move up my body as she pulls me even closer. Grabbing her hair, I tug slightly needing a release. Not knowing how to break free, and never wanting to.
The sounds of children laughing break me. The noises of the playground slowly intrude and bring me back to reality. A reality I am not ready to face. A world empty once she is gone. Breaking our embrace, I look her in the eyes one final time. A world of unfinished promises hangs in them. A lifetime of regret fills me inside. Kissing the top of her head, I release her, and with it - I release my life. Not saying a word, I turn and walk away. This time, she doesn’t stop me.
Evelyn
Looking out across the countryside, I sigh defeated. Gwen and I had driven out of town and stopped at a clearing over looking some of the most gorgeous horse property anyone would ever get the chance to see. Sitting on the back of the rental car for close to an hour, we have proceeded to take turns drinking off the now almost empty bottle of red wine we grabbed from the local grocery store. Relaying my tale of how everything came crashing to an end at the park a few hours ago, Gwen hasn’t said much but a few words while I relentlessly bitched about everything.
Her phone alerts a text and I watch as she reads it before putting her phone down and looking up at me. “I think we should head back home a day or two early.”
“What? Why?” I ask, not ready to admit it’s time to leave.
“Come on Ev, do you really think hanging out here is going to do any good?”
I don’t know if it is the wine or fire still burning inside from the way me and Noah left things, but I’m not ready to leave. Not yet. “Excuse me, but I remember your ass being the one with the great idea to come all the way across the damn country and fight for him, am I right?”
She doesn’t argue. Just continues to look straight ahead out across the countryside, a sad look in her eyes. Sorry I lashed out at her knowing she was just trying to help, I am moments away from apologizing when she says, “Remember that one time when we were kids and we went out for a walk in the rain,” Gwen laughs breaking up the tension before she continues. “It was right after you moved up north, and my parents had let us walk the dog. Remember?”
I smile and let the fire inside fade as I laugh slightly along with her. “Yeah, that was a long time ago. God, how life was so much simpler back then.”
We sit for a moment watching the sun begin to set before she speaks again. “I remember when we were out there, we had on our best clothes, had just spent hours on our hair and makeup, only to go walk Max. We thought we were so grown up.”
I laugh as the memories come flooding back. Of our hours getting ready hopeful to see someone special. Of us thinking we were such adults walking the dog around the streets by ourselves at 11-years-old. We must have looked so silly, which makes me only laugh harder. “I remember. I kept wanting to go back, but you said we needed to go further and then it started pouring. Like really raining, and the dog was freaking out and I was freaking out and you started crying.”
Gwen smiles. “Yeah, I kinda remember your ass as being the crying one.”
“Is there a point to this story?” I giggle as I pick up the bottle of wine again, thankful for the memory and her break in the conversation. Thoughts of heading back to a life I now find pointless to return to is not something I am ready to process.
“We had wondered so far from home we both didn’t know how to get back, remember?” She glances over at me and I nod urging her to continue. “We were freaking out hoping a car would pass and maybe we’d get a ride or directions, or I don’t know what. We thought the dog was getting cold and he was getting sick, and there was a time when we both stopped and thought it was hopeless. But, then you saw something, something that reminded you of the way we came, and you were able to find our way home.”
I sit with her words. I let them linger all around me, not exactly sure of what to take from the memory and not wanting to accept that the home I might now be forced to return to is the home that was always meant for me.
“Like they say, not all who wander are lost, right Ev!” Gwen says as she rises from the trunk of the car and walks off towards the sight in front of us. “You’ll find your way home, lady. You always do.”
I sit and savor the last few sips of wine from the bottle before rising and joining her. Not exactly ready to leave, I look out at the new land I have found myself in and wonder how I could ever return to a life on the West Coast. My whole life I have been so selfishly wrapped up in myself, I couldn’t see if what I wanted was where I was really meant to be. If my dream, my plan, to one-day move home to Huntington Beach and work for the L.A. Times was really what I was supposed to do, who I was supposed to become.
In the shadow of Kentucky, what I once wanted so bad now only seems small. Irrelevant. It pales in comparison to anything I had ever hoped for before. Sure, I could still move home, still pursue the dream I once had. But it all seems empty now without Noah in it and I am not sure life will ever be the same again. In the mere days I have been wrapped up in a life in the south, oddly enough, it has grown to feel more like home than any other place I have tried to put my roots down in before. How can I return to a past now when the only future I want is staring straight back at me. Fire burns inside me once again at the thought of him building a life with Becky. A life that should be mine, and I’ll be damned if I can let myself lose it now. Not when I have come this far. But after he walked away leaving me once again alone, I’m not sure what it might take to get us back to where I know we belong.
Evelyn
The car door slamming shut makes me realize the finality of the whole situation. I stop and take in all the sights around me. Looking out across the field at Noah’s house, I pause and breathe deeply trying to hold onto a dream that is now shattered leaving me with nothing but a lifetime of questions ahead. Gwen closes her side door as she exits the car to say our goodbyes. A goodbye I hoped would be much different only a little over a week ago. I hear the screen door open and little footsteps come down the steps. Turning, Anna May comes running towards us with Jolene and Noah’s mom following shortly behind.
“Ms. Evelyn,” Anna May begins, “Momma says you’re leaving. But you can’t leave yet. I told Bobby you and Uncle Noah were going to get married.”
“Anna May,” I hear Jolene scold.
“It’s true!” Anna May says coming to a stop in front of me. “Uncle Noah said he’d have babies so I can be a big sister. And I saw him and Ms. Evelyn kissing and…”
“Hush up, Anna May.” Noah’s mother says, coming up and pulling the child to her side.
Tears threaten to break free, but I plaster a smile on my face instead. I look at Jolene who’s worried look apologizes without saying a word before I crouch down to Anna May’s level. “Well,” I say, clearing my throat. “You know what, Anna May, that may just happen yet. But I don’t think it’s going to be me, sweetie.”
She frowns and looks to the ground. I brush her bangs to the side and take her face in my hand, lifting her chin. “I’m gonna miss you, Ms. Anna May.”
“Hey, what about me?” Gwen chimes in, breaking the tension. Anna May’s face lights up, as she turns to look at one of her newest friends. “Who am I going to get to bake cookies with me back in California?”
Anna May runs to her and gives Gwen a big hug. Rustling the top of her hair, Gwen bends forward and kisses the crown of her head. “I’m going to miss you BooBoo,” she says, using her mother’s nickname for the sweet little girl.
Anna May backs away, “You know, I’ve never been on an airplane before.” She says with a mischievous smirk. “Maybe momma will let me come visit.”
Laughing, Jolene smiles. “Only if I come along too.”
“Deal!” Anna May says, before hugging Gwen one last time and returning to give me a hug. I pull her close and hug her like I don’t want to let her go. Because deep down inside, I know I will never be able to replace her. To replace a family I wished would be my own. A few days ago, it looked as if this little girl would hopefully one day be my family. Now, I am left packing up and heading back home with nothing more than what I showed up with.
I hadn’t spoken to Noah since the park, day before yesterday. With nothing much left to say, I reluctantly agreed when Gwen suggested we look into changing our flight and leave a few days early that night as we sat watching the Kentucky sunset. Now, stopping by to say goodbye to Jolene before making a stop at the newspaper seems like the end of the world. A world I never envisioned for myself a few days ago before Becky showed up and ruined everything.
I release Anna May and turn to hug Noah’s mother. She pulls me close and with her hug, a sense of comfort washes over me. I close my eyes as tension leaves me briefly and take the last little bit of a family I wished I could call my own with me. Noah’s mom pats my back a few times. “Sometimes, even when we take chances, the good Lord changes our direction. He’ll never stop loving you, hunny. But he’s got to face some of his own tough choices right now.”
As a few tears break free, I nod my head letting her know I understand. Although I am not sure I can find my voice even if I tried. Breaking free, I softly smile at her as she squeezes my hands. Releasing in me the strength I need to walk away. To let Noah have his space, make his choices, and leave a piece of my heart with him as long as I live. Noah’s mother turns to take Anna May back into the house, but Jolene stays with us and waits for them to be out of earshot. Taking a deep breath, I blow it out slightly as I watch a world, a life, a dream I never knew I wanted so bad start to fade and forever be pulled away.
“I still think he’s an ass!” Jolene says, which makes me laugh even though I feel nothing but despair. “I’m serious. Sometimes my brother can be really smart, but sometimes he can’t get out of his way long enough to see what he is throwing away.”
My eyes close as her words hit me. “Throwing away.” Over the last several days I realized Noah was never mine to begin with. You can’t throw away something you never really had. Not with the past he left behind and the future that I couldn’t compete with.
I shrug. “It just wasn’t meant to be. Not now. Not ever.” I will myself not to cry but I fail miserably and Jolene pulls me in for a big hug.
“There is no way he’s marrying the likes of Rebecca Brown! I don’t care what he told you.” She tightens her squeeze on me and I almost fall apart and lose it right there. But, I straighten up as she lets go and know that it’s time to leave. Time to let go. Time to move on and get myself back into a life I had before. A life that seems so insignificant now that Noah has forever changed it.
I watch as Gwen and Jolene exchange a hug, and hear them murmur something about future plans, but my mind has already drifted off. Off to a world without Noah, and a reality I am not so anxious to get back to. Getting in the car, and pulling out onto the gravel road, my heart aches, my insides burn and my world is left shattered. With too many pieces to try and pick up, I have no clue where to even start. My life back on the West Coast seems dim and dull now. With no drive to even want to throw myself back into a dream I once had, I wonder if I will ever feel the fire inside me like I used to for what I so strongly believed in.
“It’ll get better in time.” I hear Gwen say as she turns on the radio. “Trust me, it has to. Right?”
I don’t answer, just look out the window at the beautiful Kentucky countryside as we drive into town. There is one more stop I have to make before boarding a plane in a few hours. One more dream I have to let go of, and that is a job I never thought I wanted in a small town I now find myself never wanting to leave. About 20 minutes later we pull up in front of the Bardstown newspaper. I look at the storefront and smile. A few days ago when I had accepted the job, all my hope was wrapped up in this. A career I could sink myself into if only my future hadn’t turned out the way it did. Now, having to walk in and face Mary after accepting the position only to turn it down a few days later, my heart doesn’t have the strength to take the couple steps I need to walk in the front door.
“We don’t have much time, Ev.” I hear Gwen say. “I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, but we got to get to Louisville. The plane leaves in a little over two hours.”
Taking a deep breath I exit the vehicle. I look out across the street and hope to see Noah standing out front at the fire station, laughing and carrying on like he had only a few days before. Like he did when I finally felt like all the pieces of my world were permanently coming together and making sense for the first time in a long time. But no one is there. The building is all closed up, lifeless and detached, making my heart hurt only more.
I walk the few steps up the curb and through the front door of the building. Completely quiet, I look around for any sign of somebody before Mary catches my eye in her back office. She smiles and waves at me to come back. Swallowing over a lump in my throat I begin to walk towards her office and hope she understands the magnitude of what I am about to turn down.
Noah
Coming back from a call about 20 minutes ago, I had noticed Gwen sitting in the rental car across the street in front of the newspaper. Not able to take my mind off of who she was waiting on, and what might be going on, I find myself hiding just slightly in the shadows of the fire station bay and watching to see when Evelyn might walk out of the office. Although I know my heart can’t take it, I have to see her. Have to watch her walk out of my life. Maybe then I will be able to really believe this is over. Really accept that she is gone, even months from now when my heart doesn’t want to hear it.
Rex walks out of the station and into the garage. It doesn’t take him long to stop, stare and turn and look at the scene in front of me. A nightmare I can’t turn away from. With a heavy sigh, he walks a few more steps and leans with me against the engine. “You know, it doesn’t have to be like this. You can have your cake and eat it too.”
I turn and glare at him. “Don’t you have a club to run somewhere? Why are you always here when I don’t need your bullshit advice?”
He laughs. “Ah, come on now Casanova. You know your life would be boring as hell if I were not around.”
Movement across the street catches my eye. Glancing back, I see Evelyn emerge and I catch my breath. I want to run to her. I want to stop her. To tell her that I am crazy. That what I said yesterday was the biggest damn lie I ever told in my life.
I have no intention of marrying Becky. Not now, not ever. But I had to say something. Something I knew would make her leave. I had to give her a reason not to stay. To move on and get back to a life full of possibilities and promises. One I can’t give her while I am tied to this place forever.
“I can’t believe you're not going to go after that!” Rex fumes next to me.
“We’ve been down this road before, man.” I groan pushing off the engine and walking across the room. “I chased her, and look where that got me.”
I hear her laugh for the last time, and it pulls to somewhere d
eep inside of me. Somewhere I know I will bury it, and remember the sound when I always remember her. She talks to the woman I assume is Mary for a few minutes. Rex doesn’t say a word, just sits with me silently, watching my world walk away and knowing I am not about to do anything about it. Shaking Mary’s hand, I see Evelyn open the car door. She glances up my way quickly, and I see a glimmer of hope in her eyes. Seeing no one, the look disappears quick and she shakes her head once before turning back to say a few more parting words to Mary.
“I just have one question,” Rex says through gritted teeth. “Do you honestly think, after everything, that you can live without her? Because if you can, let her go. But if watching her walk away is killing you, now might be the only chance you’ll ever get to make it right!”
Something inside me snaps. Something Rex has said finally gets through my thick ass head, and without hesitation my feet break out in a run as if they have a mind of their own. I begin to cross the street and almost get run over by a car, earning me a honk and a raised middle finger. Evelyn looks across her opposite shoulder to see what happened and doesn’t even notice I’ve come up on her right side until I grab her arm and swing her towards me. Mary takes a few steps back giving us some space, although Gwen’s smart mouth can always be accounted for.
“Hey, dumbass! What the hell are you thinking almost getting yourself killed!”
I shoot her an irritated look through the open car door before staring back into the eyes of the only woman who could ever be it for me. The only woman I know without any doubt was meant for me. Created just so I could love, and to hell if I am going to let her go again.
Devotion (Indecision Duet Book 2) Page 14