RISK

by Deborah Bladon

  "None?"

  "One," I acquiesce when I turn to look at her in the doorway of the bathroom we share. "How exactly are you an expert on vasectomies?"

  "We do them at work all the time." She spoons some cereal in her mouth.

  "You neuter dogs at the vet clinic," I point out as I skim the edge of my fingernail under my bottom lashes to pick up a clump of the black mascara. "That's not the same as when a man has a vasectomy."

  "It's close enough." She grimaces. "You're making more of a mess by trying to clean it up with your finger. You can't go to work at Matiz looking like a rank amateur."

  I laugh. It's the first time I've laughed since I got home from the café last night. Adley was up watching an episode of her favorite sitcom when I walked through the door. I sat next to her eating cold microwave popcorn that she'd over salted, which she chuckled at every lame joke the actors exchanged.

  I didn't bring up my conversation with Nolan until this morning because I wanted the night to think. I appreciate Adley's opinions but sometimes I have to give myself time to process things before I ask her to weigh in.

  "I'll clean it up before I go in." I turn to the side and lean my hip against the yellowed laminate countertop. "Would you date a man who could never have a child?"

  "He has a child." She taps the spoon against the side of the ceramic bowl. The sound that emanates from it punctuating what she just said. "He has a daughter. That means that if you two get serious, you'll be a stepmom to his kid and never a mom to your own kids."

  I realize that. I've been thinking about it all night. "He had a good reason to have the vasectomy. I understand why he did it, but it's so final."

  "Not necessarily." She steps into the bathroom, resting the empty bowl on the counter next to me. "A skilled surgeon can reverse a vasectomy. It doesn’t always work but there's a good chance."

  There's a good chance if the man wants that. Nolan made it clear that May is the only child he sees himself having. It sounded like a non-negotiable point to me. "I'm worrying way too much about this. I haven't known him for that long, Ad. We haven't been dating that long."

  She picks up my hairbrush and taps it against her palm. "If that were true, you wouldn't look like you haven't slept a wink, Ellie. You like this guy and he just dropped a life bomb on you. It's okay to question if this is right for you. The more time you spend with him, the more chance you'll fall hard and then what will you do?"

  "I'll cross that bridge if I get to it." I tug the brush away from her and run it through my hair. "I can have fun with Nolan and not fall hard. I know I can do that."

  She moves so she's standing right behind me, her face peeking out over my shoulder in the mirror. "You're already falling for him. Watch your heart, Ellie. You only have one and it's already been broken."

  ***

  "The heart on your palm is more heart shaped than the last one." I gesture toward his left hand. "Your daughter has some major talent."

  He smiles as he flips his hand over revealing his colorful palm. "She cracked open the entire marker package this morning and immortalized Barney on my hand. I didn't have the heart to wash it off before I came in."

  I don't think I would have either if any of my nieces did that to my hand. Not only is there a heart drawn in blue ink near his thumb, there's also a pink square shaped happy face with two triangles on top that I assume are ears. On each of his fingertips are letters written in a kaleidoscope of colors. B A R N E.

  "She ran out of space for the Y?" I ask with a grin.

  "May's determined." He wiggles the index finger of his right hand in front of me. "Here's the Y."

  "How's she doing?" I look over at where Eda is shuffling through a pile of magazines. She was the one who came down to the store to tell me that Crew wanted to see me. Once I got up to the floor where the executive offices are, I spoke to him about my update on employee theft and when I turned to leave his office, Nolan was waiting for me.

  "She's coming to terms with Barney's death." He motions to the two chairs in front of his desk. "We can sit if you have the time."

  I'm on his dime right now, so I make the time. I sit and cross my legs while he shoots Eda a look. She scurries out of his office, the door clicking shut quietly behind her.

  "I thought about you all night, Ellie." He lowers into the chair next to me. "I know that you didn't expect to hear what I told you last night. It had to have been a shock to you."

  "It was." I sigh with a faint shake of my head. "I don't know what I expected you to say about Shelby. I never thought you'd tell me that May is the only child you'll ever want."

  "Until I saw May I didn't want any children," he confesses. His hand grips the arm of the chair. "Once I saw her I knew that my heart didn't have room for another. It's May for me."

  I don't know what my heart has room for. Maybe it's a foster child. Maybe it's a son I'll have with the man I marry. Maybe it's a girl named May who belongs to a man I can't stop thinking about.

  "I want you to meet her, Ellie." He leans back in the chair, his shoe tapping on the floor. "I'm not going to push you to do it soon, but you'll like her. She'll like you. When you're ready, you just give me the word and I'll set it up."

  I smile with a silent nod of my chin. I'm not ready. I'm not sure when I'll be but I am one hundred percent sure that I'm not ready to walk away from Nolan just yet.

  Chapter 40

  Nolan

  "I had no idea you still owned this place." Crew stands in the foyer of the apartment Ellie coined as my shoebox. I didn't share that tidbit with him. I won't. That's something that I want to exist between only Ellie and me.

  "He gave it to me on my twenty-first birthday. I can't sell it."

  I don't have to define who he is. Crew knows. My grandfather handed me the keys to this apartment the day I turned twenty-one. I didn't appreciate it at the time. I thanked him but not in the way I should have. I knew the gift was coming. He'd given my sister, Sarah, a one bedroom in Chelsea on her twenty-first birthday. It was two years prior to the day I got my keys. I hugged him, looked at the views and then took off to hit a string of bars with my friends.

  I christened the place later that night with a woman I can't remember. I nailed her on the foyer floor. Our clothes were a twisted mess as we went at each other while we were both still riding the high of the tray of tequila shots we'd shared.

  The day after my birthday I ordered furniture and equipped the apartment with all the essentials. The piano arrived a month later. It belonged to my grandmother when she was alive. She wanted me to learn to play. I never have.

  "You can sell it." Crew walks to the windows and stares out at the view. "You'd make some nice coin on this, pal. We can use my new listing agent. She's got her finger on the pulse of the market. She'll get you top dollar and have it sold in a week."

  "I'm not selling." I run my fingers along the keys of the piano. The sound is rough and out of tune. "I want this place to stay in the family."

  "You think May is going to want to live here when she's a grown-up?"

  "It's an option." I push back the mental image of my daughter as an adult. I can't think about it. The concept is so far-fetched that it's out of my reach. "If she doesn't want it, maybe one day her kids will."

  "Emmanuel would be fine with you selling it." He looks up at the high ceilings. "You made memories here. Life moves on, Nolan. He'd get that."

  He might. I don't know that for sure.

  When he handed me the keys, he told me to make the most of it. He brought me the framed pictures of our sailboat. It was the boat he'd purchased for the two of us when I was May's age. I learned how to rig the sails by watching him and when I could finally do it myself, he called me a true sailor and gave me the name Rigs. I loved the name almost as much as I loved the man.

  We hung those pictures in the hall together. His eyes watered when I told him I'd never move them from that spot and I haven't. I can't. His hands touched the frames as I stood back eyeing the
m so he could level them.

  "The apartment stays as is," I say with a dismissive wave. "I need to grab some things from the office. Once I do that, we can get those beers you promised me."

  "You've got a deal. If you need help, let me know."

  I turn to leave the room, my eyes catching on the couch and something shiny wedged between two of the cushions. I walk over and tug it free. It's a pendant attached to a thin gold chain. It's Ellie's. She was wearing this the first night we came here.

  Earlier today when she was in my office she had a string of fake pearls around her neck. She'd fingered them as we talked about last night. I wanted to invite her out for a late dinner, but her body language said it all. She needs time to digest the fact that I've made the conscious choice to never have another child. It may be a deal breaker for her. If it is, I have to accept it. I chase the thought away with a shake of my head.

  "Who does that belong to?" Crew eyes the necklace.

  "Ellie," I say under my breath as I hold his gaze. "I've brought her here a few times."

  "You're inching closer to taking her home to May. You still think that's a good idea?"

  I pinch the bridge of my nose. I don't know what to think anymore. Ellie is young and ambitious. She wants to be a police officer, and eventually a mom. Her life plan is carved out in her mind and I doubt like hell it includes a man with a kid who refuses to have another.

  The chime of my phone saves me from trying to piece together an answer to Crew's question. I read the text message that pops up on the screen.

  "I need to bail on those beers, Crew."

  "Mayday?" he asks as he stalks the room toward the apartment door. "Let's go. I'll get an Uber."

  "May's fine," I say as I tuck the necklace in the front pocket of my jeans. "I'm meeting Ellie."

  "You're ditching me for her?" He blinks, a smile ghosting his mouth.

  I look down at the screen of my phone and the next message that pops up. "I'm meeting her for half a burger in thirty minutes."

  "You want me to grab the stuff you need from the office here and drop it by your place later?"

  "It's just some pictures of me and my grandfather. I want to show May what I looked like at her age."

  "She's going to love those." He opens the door to the apartment. "I'll head home."

  I move past him and wait until the door shuts behind us both. "Are you good with sitting in on that marketing meeting in the morning? Miller needs to step it up. I want eyes on him as he presents his new ideas to the team."

  "I'll be there." He walks ahead of me, pushing the call button as we reach the elevator. "I need to say one thing, pal. This is it, and I'll shut the fuck up about it forever."

  I shrug. "Go ahead. Say it."

  "Don't lose sight of the big picture. May is your priority. She just lost old Barney. Don't set her up for another loss."

  "That little girl is my world." I step aside when the doors to the elevator open and a woman steps out. "I'd step in front of a train for her. You know that."

  "I do." He motions for me to get on the lift first. "You may not see it right now but you'd step in front of a train for Ellie too. Think about whether she'd be willing to do the same for you."

  Chapter 41

  Ellie

  "Move." I fist the material on the front of Nolan's T-shirt giving it a firm tug. It's solid enough that he can't help but take a heavy step in my direction "Get out of the way! Now!"

  "What the hell?" he mutters under his breath as a man on a bicycle whizzes past him.

  "Slow down," I call after him. "You're going to kill someone."

  He flips me the bird without turning back to look at either one of us.

  "That's not permitted," I huff as I look past where Nolan is standing to make sure there isn't another reckless cyclist on their way. "You can't ride on the sidewalk unless you’re a child. He's not a child. He's a fucking asshole."

  I scream that last sentence in the hope that the light wind picks up my voice so the cyclist can hear me. I know he can't though. He's likely weaving around the pedestrians crowding Eighth Avenue by now.

  "Are you all right?" I run my hand over his chest to smooth away the wrinkles on his shirt. "You definitely feel all right."

  He grins before he leans down to kiss my forehead. "I just had the pleasure of being rescued by the beautiful Ellie Madden. I've never felt better."

  "I didn't rescue you," I argue with a pout. "I gave you a heads-up."

  "You tore my shirt," he challenges. "It's a small price to pay so don't mistake it for a complaint."

  I study the front of his shirt. It's worn. The logo that used to be emblazoned across the front has faded. There's a small hole in the center, but I doubt I made it. "This shirt has seen better days. Since when do you dress like this?"

  "You're saying you don't like how I'm dressed?"

  I love how he's dressed. The T-shirt is the same color as his eyes. The jeans he's wearing are faded to perfection. He's wearing polished black shoes which look completely out of place yet perfect at the same time. "I never said that."

  "So you like this look?"

  "I don't mind it," I acquiesce. "It's the laid back version of you."

  "Is this the laid back version of you?"

  I look down at the white shorts and pink blouse I'm wearing. "It's semi laid back. I had a date before I called you."

  He glares at me, the entire expression on his face shifting instantly. "We only date each other, Ellie. Please tell me you haven't forgotten that."

  Of course not. We haven't discussed it since he brought the subject up in his office. That was before I knew about May or his vasectomy. I could argue that those life changing realizations void our agreement, but they don't. I promised him exclusivity. I intend to keep that promise until it's no longer what I want or until he tells me the same.

  "I went to Queens for a playdate with my nieces."

  I see the relief wash over his face. His shoulders relax and the tightness in his jaw disappears. "You have nieces?"

  "Three of them," I admit. "I haven't seen them since I've been back in the city, so I went to Queens and hung out with them."

  "How old are they?" He glances over his shoulder before his gaze settles back on me.

  "The twins are seven and their sister is six."

  "Twins?" he chuckles with a swipe of his hand across his brow. "Are they identical?"

  I nod. "They are, but I can tell them apart. Aunties have ways of doing that."

  "I've heard that." He straightens, his arms crossing over his chest. "What about the rest of your family? Can any of them tell them apart?"

  "I don't have any other family. My parents aren't here anymore." I shift on my feet. "They're both gone. They're dead."

  "I'm sorry, Ellie." He reaches for my hand. I let him take it. "I didn't know."

  That surprises me. With all the information he's known about me, I'm shocked that he didn't uncover the truth about my mom and my dad.

  "Do you want to talk about what happened to them?"

  It's the question I always dread. It's not easy to answer. My mom died from cancer. Her inattention to her own health was her death sentence. She felt ill one morning and by the time the doctor at the free clinic by our apartment in Boston was done his examination the news was grim and she was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance.

  A week later the news was worse. They gave her three months to live but her will was lost in the hospital room when a doctor she'd never met before told her that the cancer that had started in her lungs had overtaken her body.

  That was when my dad came from New York City. They talked and cried, and then hours later she died. Life changed then and again on a cold winter evening when my dad, weakened from his addiction to anything that could numb the pain, died in a park in Manhattan, while I waited for him on a bench less than a mile away. He never came and my life was never the same.

  "We don't have to talk about it tonight, Ellie." Nolan's voice
breaks through my thoughts. "I'll order us a burger, two fries and a bottle of water. You can have the butter cookies this time."

  I swallow. I want him to know about my parents but the words aren't there. "We'll split the cookies."

  "Not tonight," he says under his breath. "You just saved my life. I owe you, Ellie. The cookies are just the start of my repaying you for that."

  ***

  "We're even." I crawl across my bed, looking back at where he's sitting. "You can stop, Nolan. Please stop. We're even."

  He wipes his lips against his shoulder as he reaches out to grab me. "We are not even close to being even. Sit on my face, Ellie."

  "Oh my God." I try to pull my leg free of his hand. "I came twice already. You don't need to do it again."

  "I do." He grazes his fingers over my calf. "I love it, Ellie. I fucking love the taste of you and those sounds you make. If you'd let me, I'd record the audio of you coming on my phone so I can listen to it when I jack off in the shower."

  "No." I laugh as I shake my head. "No recordings. I don't want those surfacing after we break up. I'll never live it down."

  "Stop," he hisses as he moves up me. He grabs my waist flipping me over until I'm beneath him. "Don't talk about this being over. You don't fucking know how I feel, Ellie."

  I chuckle. "I know exactly how you feel. Your cock is hard. It's going to crush my thigh."

  "I'm falling, Ellie." He rests his forehead against my cheek. "I'm falling so hard."

  My chest tightens. It's the sex that's driving his words. We kissed on the street after we ate the burgers and he fed me the cookie. When I asked him to my place, he flagged down a taxi and held tight to my hand until we closed my bedroom door and stripped.

  "Don't." I push against his chest. "Don't say it unless it's real."

  He moves so his hands are bracketing my face as he stares down at me. "It's real. What I feel is so fucking real that it scares me but I crave it. I need it. I need you, Ellie."