The Trouble With Before

by Portia Moore

I turn around to see Grams standing behind me, her hand on her hip and looking confused.

  “Not now, Grams,” I tell her, heading back under the Bel Air.

  “Aidan Riles, you get in this house right now and you better start explaining.”

  I trudge inside, and Grams makes me sit at the kitchen table. I finally break down and tell her about how Lisa ended up on our doorstep and how she lost the baby.

  “That poor girl,” Grams mutters. “I’ve never been through anything like that. I can’t imagine what she’s going through . . .” Grams looks off into the distance as though if she looks hard enough, she can see the answer.

  “I don’t know what to do, Grams. I know this isn’t something that she can just shrug off, and I don’t want her to make a lot of bad decisions because she’s mad at the world.”

  She lets out a long sigh. “Pain like that can change a person, that’s for sure.” Grams shakes her head a little bit. “You’re her friend. You can’t let her push you away, and you don’t push her away.”

  “I wouldn’t do that,” I say.

  “Well, you can be pretty stubborn, and that isn’t exactly a way to let someone know you’ve got a shoulder for them to lean on.”

  I let out a deep breath. “So what do I do?”

  “You be there for her. You can’t make her do what you want her to. If you want to stop someone from jumping off a cliff, you have to know when they’re going to do it, and if you’re a hardass with her, you won’t have a clue which cliff she’s jumping off of.”

  “I don’t want to sit back and watch her screw up her life. I want to tie her to a chair and yell at her until she gets better.”

  She chuckles. “Well, unless you want to go to jail, I suggest you try the less bull-headed route.”

  THE LOUD MUSIC, booze, and energy isn’t enough to take my mind off the argument I had with Aidan earlier. Well, not argument, I guess. More like a lecture. He couldn’t just tell me he’s happy I’ve gotten out of my funk. No, that would be too much like right for my hardass best friend. Only someone as insensitive as him would bring up what is supposed to be the elephant in the room. Why can’t he just be one of those guys who goes over his thoughts in his mind, who’s sensitive instead of just laying it out there?

  “Here you go, boys. Two off the tap, and 9-1-1 wings,” I tell the two guys as I pass them their order.

  “You just started here?”

  “Um, sort of. I used to work here a while ago, but I’m back now,” I tell them with a fake smile.

  “Lucky us,” his friend says.

  I fight against rolling my eyes. Snotty chicks get shitty tips.

  “Let me know if you need anything else,” I say, trying to be as upbeat as I can.

  The rest of the night goes by in a blur. I scurry through the crowded room, dropping off wings, beers, onion rings. Smile here, flirt there, wink again, and repeat. My feet are killing me thanks to the boots I’m wearing, and my shoulder sort of hurts. I forgot how hard being a waitress is, but I’ve made about a hundred fifty dollars in tips, which isn’t bad for a Thursday night with a non-local basketball game playing.

  Only a handful of people are left. We close in the next hour, and this is the perfect time for me to sneak away to the back. I let out a long breath as I sit in the employee lounge, which is really just two tables and a TV set up in the corner of the room, but it’s heaven after being out there. I don’t remember the job being like this. It used to be fun. Well, that was when I still knew people who worked here and my two best friends would come and hang out.

  “How’s your first night going?”

  I look back and see Emily, another waitress. The owner, Joey, introduced me to Emily when I came back and sort of begged for my old job. She’s a cute brunette with a smile that makes you feel as though she’s your best friend.

  She sits beside me with a plate of Cajun fries. “Oh my God, it was so busy today.” She groans before pointing at the plate to ask if I want some.

  I shake my head. “Yeah, at least it made the day go by fast.”

  “At least tomorrow is team day, which means we can wear gym shoes.” She winks, and I let out a sigh.

  “Yeah, that’d be pretty great,” I say with mild enthusiasm.

  There’s an awkward silence between us.

  “So how’d a girl like you end up in a place like this?” she says with a laugh.

  I giggle. “I don’t know, but it’s getting kind of old.”

  Emily looks down awkwardly.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not in the best mood,” I tell her apologetically.

  “No worries. Trust me, we all get like that here. I know I do. I’d much rather be home with my little one than here dodging guys who want to grope me. It’s like, ‘Hello, the strip club is about fifteen minutes from here.’”

  “You-you have a daughter?”

  She nods enthusiastically and pulls out her phone. She shows me a little girl dressed up in princess costumes. She looks a little younger than Willa.

  “She’s beautiful,” I say, feeling a headache developing.

  “Thank you,” she says, putting away her phone. “Her name’s Megan, and she’s the reason I put up with the crap here.”

  I wouldn’t have thought she’d had a baby. She looks like she can’t be no older than twenty-three. “Are you married? Or is that rude to ask?”

  “No, not at all. No, I’m not. I had her when I was 16. It wasn’t the ideal situation, but her dad helps out a lot. It could be a lot worse, and she’s my joy,” she says genuinely.

  I swallow hard.

  “I’ve got one more year before I get my bachelor’s, then hopefully I can make it out of this place.” She smiles.

  I look at her, surprised, and want to put my own foot in my judgmental ass. I assumed that this girl was me two years ago—here for fun, always down for a party, and working at a place that serves alcohol as a cherry on top. Turns out Emily is miles ahead of me in life.

  “What about you? Married? Boyfriend? Kids?”

  How do I even begin to answer that? I feel bad since she’s been so forthcoming. “I just had a breakup and umm . . . yeah . . .”

  She nods. “Well, you’re bound to meet someone here. We get all types of guys. Most are just looking to hook up, but one of the waitresses, Fiona, met her fiancé here. They’re getting married next month.”

  “I’m not exactly looking for my knight in shining armor.” I know now my life isn’t necessarily meant for a happy ending.

  She gets up from the table and gives me a half smile. “Well, that’s usually when they find you,” she sings before leaving.

  I linger in the break room for an extra five minutes before building myself up enough to head back out. I think this used to be easier because I drank first. I head out to the floor, rubbing the back of my neck, and plaster on my flirty smile.

  Then I see Aidan sitting at a booth with a beer in front of him. I fight the real smile that spreads across my face, my spirit leaping because I’m so happy to see him. But I force my spirit to sit down and remember our conversation from earlier. He’s probably here to try to drag me home or tell me how selfish I’m being. I put my guard up and head over to his booth even though he’s not in my section. His eyes drag up my body. I’d swear he’s checking me out, but Aidan doesn’t look at me like that. It still doesn’t stop my cheeks from flushing.

  “What can I get you?” I ask him playfully.

  His blue eyes reach mine and they smile at me, warming my entire body. My heart does jumping jacks, and my stomach feels as though it’s been dropped down an elevator. His signature dimples are showcased, and his red baseball cap makes me zone in on his eyes, eyes I can read sometimes so easily. I instantly know he’s not here to scold or annoy me. I’m reminded how hard I fought not to kiss him each night he lay beside me, rubbing my back and telling me everything was going to be okay. Even just wearing a baseball cap and T-shirt, he’s one of the sexiest men I’ve ever seen, and behind his rou
gh, rugged exterior is a sweetheart. I bite my lip, almost nervous from looking at my best friend.

  “I missed you.”

  His tone is warm, and it heats me up. It’s absent of any innuendo as he says words I never expected him to say so easily. I fight the urge to hug him.

  “I missed you too, A.” I smile and put my hand on his shoulder. He grasps it and leans a little into my side, and my stomach tightens. “What are you doing here?”

  “I told you I’d always be here,” he says casually, as if it’s no big deal, but it means everything to me and my heart warms itself.

  I’VE BEEN TRYING to do what Grams told me to do. I really, really have, and it has been the most frustrating experience I’ve ever had. I watch Lisa go to work at the bar every night, and she hates it. I can tell. She hides it pretty well—she laughs, she jokes—but there are moments when she’s quiet and I can tell it’s bothering her. The pain or sadness she’s bottling up is eating her up inside. She looks at me sometimes as if she wants to say something, but then she doesn’t. I’m so frustrated, and it doesn’t help that I haven’t had sex in about a month and a half.

  I knock hard on her door to wake her. I hear her groan and mumble. “Up, Gregory.”

  After a few minutes, she cracks open the door with a scowl. “It’s five thirty in the morning. Are you on crack?”

  I just flash her a million-dollar smile. “Hit the shower. We’re going running.”

  She looks at me in disbelief and tries to shut the door. “Noooo,” she whines.

  She’s so cute I want to kiss her.

  “I’m serious. Throw on some sweats or something,” I say.

  She throws her head back and groans. “You’re not going to leave me alone unless I do this?”

  “Nope.”

  “Give me fifteen,” she says before closing the door.

  “Five,” I tell her through the door.

  I sit on the porch for fifteen minutes waiting for her. I’m about to go back in the house and drag her out when she appears on the porch, a pout on her face, in a T-shirt and tiny pair of shorts. I rethink this being a good idea.

  “You are insane,” she says through a yawn.

  “You love it,” I tell her as I jog in place. I’m surprised when she doesn’t throw a sarcastic comment back. “Come on.”

  She starts the most pathetic attempt at a jog I’ve ever seen. “You should have made coffee before you came up with this brilliant plan.”

  “When you start moving, you’ll wake up.”

  She rolls her eyes dramatically but jogs a little faster. “Why are we even doing this?”

  I jog backward in front of her. “I’ve got a lot of energy I need to get out.”

  “You mean you’re horny, and instead of jerking off like a normal person, you wake me up to run like I’m GI Jane?”

  I feel my cheeks heat up, which is weird because I’m not easily embarrassed. It’s not even that she talked about me jerking off, but more that I didn’t want to do that because of who I was thinking about. So instead I brought her out to run.

  “Shut up and run, Gregory,” I tell her through a laugh.

  We make it about five minutes before she asks for a break. I stop and laugh at her.

  “This isn’t funny. I feel like I’m going to pass out,” she scolds me, holding her knees and taking deep breaths.

  I pull a water out of my backpack.

  “Thank God,” she says, snatching it from me. “Next time, how about you just call Hillary and leave me to my sleep?”

  I ignore her and pull out my own water, only taking a sip. “Don’t drink too much. You’re going to cramp up.”

  She frowns. “So, how are you and Hillary?”

  I shrug. “We were supposed to hook up when I went to Chicago last week.” As I stretch my hamstring, I notice Lisa watching me as though she’s drifted off into a daydream. “You there?” I ask with a chuckle.

  She nods and tosses the bottle back to me. I put it in the bag.

  “Do you miss her?” she asks, taking off again.

  I shrug. “I do. I don’t. I’ve just had a lot on my mind, I guess.” I sprint past her. Watching her bounce in front of me was the dumbest idea ever.

  “When’s the last time you had sex?” she asks, and I let out a cackle.

  “Are you propositioning me?” I ask her jokingly. Then I kick myself for having her put that image in my head.

  “I was just curious.”

  I smile at the thought of her thinking about me having sex. “I didn’t know you felt that way about me, Leese,” I tell her through a laugh. I glance behind me, and I swear she’s blushing.

  “No, it . . . you’re such jerk.” She laughs, brushing me off.

  I glance back at her again and hold in my laugh. She’s definitely blushing. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that’s a tiny smile on her face.

  “Besides you wouldn’t be able to handle it. We’d have to get you a gym membership first,” I say.

  She stops completely and puts her hands on her hips. “What does that mean?”

  There’s a challenge in her voice, and I tell myself not to get too excited. This isn’t going where he’d like it to. “It means that you need a break every five minutes and we’re jogging at a snail’s pace.”

  Her eyebrows shoot up as I walk over to her with an amused grin. I lean down so I’m at her eye level, and when her breath hitches, I almost lose it. I didn’t expect that reaction. I’m so close to her I can smell the strawberry scent she showered with. Our eyes lock, and for a moment, it’s like she’s begging me to kiss her. But she glances at her shoes, I wake up and realize I’m in the real world, not a dream.

  “You’d pass out from exhaustion,” I tell her with a sly grin before returning to my run.

  “Race you back to the house. Loser buys breakfast,” she says before breaking into a full-on run.

  From there, our friendly jog turns into a sprint to the house. Shit, I forgot she ran track in high school. She almost beats me. She would have if I hadn’t picked her up and carried her onto the porch.

  “Aidan, that’s cheating!” she scolds me between giggles.

  I let her down, our chests touching, and her eyes are wide and bright. She looks genuinely happy. My arms are still around her back, and her hands on my shoulders. If she were any other girl, I’d kiss her. I’d take the lips that are parted just right for me to slide my tongue in, and I’d listen to her moans as I backed her against the wall.

  But she isn’t any other girl. She’s Lisa, my best friend. Not only that, but there’s all of this stuff going on in my head and actual feelings I’ve been trying to deny and she still isn’t the Lisa she needs to be and it’s complicated, so complicated. But with her in my arms like this, looking at me as though she’s begging me to kiss her, it seems so simple. I just want to be the guy who gets to kiss the girl who’s been running around in his dreams every night.

  “Hey, you two, I made breakfast!”

  Grams has the worst timing ever. We both jump out of our embrace as Grams looks between us with amused suspicion.

  “Aidan’s such a cheater.” Lisa laughs awkwardly before moving past Grams into the house.

  Grams eyes me knowingly.

  “I didn’t cheat, you were taking too long,” I call to Lisa, ignoring Grams snickering behind me.

  For the rest of the day, I try to push thoughts of Lisa from my mind. How her eyes looked into mine, how her lips seemed like magnets pulling me toward her, how I’ve been thinking about her every night. She’s working a double today at the bar, which I’m glad about. It gives me time to get my thoughts together. I spend most of my day working on the Bel-Air.

  My phone rings, so I pull out my phone and see that it’s from Ms. Red. She hasn’t called me in about a month. I know she’s had her hands full with Lauren and Caylen, so my stomach drops as I answer.

  “Ms. Red, tell me something good,” I say playfully.

  She laughs. “How are you,
Aidan?”

  I smile, trying to hide the hint of worry in my voice. “I’m making it. Is everything okay?”

  “Well, that’s what I wanted to call and talk to you about.”

  I take a deep breath and prepare for the worst. After everything that’s happened, I don’t know what the worst is.

  “I know we’ve all had so much going on, but Chris’s birthday is coming up and I want to throw him a party.”

  I let out a sigh of relief. Thank God there’s no crisis to avert. “I think we could use a party.”

  She fills me in on the details. It’s going to be at their house in three weeks, and it’s sort of a surprise. Ms. Red is handling everything since Lauren’s still heavily pregnant.

  “You know the party wouldn’t be the same without me. Of course I’ll be there,” I say happily.

  “There’s one other thing,” she adds, and I can tell it’s something worrying her.

  “What’s up?”

  “Well, I know that Willa has been seeing Lisa since she’s been back.” Her voice is high, and I can tell she’s trying to be cheerful.

  “Yeah, Lisa’s actually kind of crashing with me.”

  “I’m glad. I was really worried about her from the last time I talked to her. But the thing is . . . I don’t know what’s happened, but Will says that Lisa hasn’t been responding to his texts or calls about her seeing Willa again.”

  Her voice is tight, and my chest tightens too.

  I let out a deep sigh. “Yeah, I know.”

  “Willa has been asking about her a lot. Both of you actually.”

  I feel like the biggest jerk in the world.

  I’ve thought about Willa every day, but I don’t know how to go see her without pushing it on Lisa. “I know, I’m a big jerk.”

  “Is-is something going on?” she asks. I can hear the worry in her voice. “I know that . . . I’d hope that it would be something important . . .”

  I know that she’s thinking it better be something important for us to have pretty much backed out of Willa’s life.

  I don’t have any intention of abandoning Willa. I’ve been trying to give Lisa time to realize that her presence is good for Willa, but after losing the baby, I don’t know how to approach her about it. I think she doesn’t believe being in Willa’s life is good for her anymore.