Melancholy: Episode 2

by Charlotte McConaghy

  “What do you think?” Luke slumps beside me and hands me a glass of wine.

  “Who? What are they saying?”

  Tobias grins. “I like you. Luke, didn’t I already say that I like her?”

  “Yes, Dad, you did. About eight times.”

  “Huh. I’m not usually likeable,” I point out with a smile.

  “I’ve dealt with the idiots who have an issue, and Quinn’s on board,” Luke assures me.

  “Is Raven on board?” I ask.

  “Don’t know.”

  I bet he does know, the bastard. I really wish the thought of them together didn’t make me feel so ill. Finding him with her lipstick on his mouth was like some kind of nightmare.

  “Did Ranya get you set up in the infirmary?” I ask Claire. “I reckon she’s probably desperate for some proper help.”

  “She did.” Claire nods. “She was a bit worried about my capabilities.”

  “Emotional capabilities,” Tobias elaborates.

  I look at Luke’s mother, at the well-kept hair and makeup, the ironed clothes and the eyes that still hold so much depth. “Well, all I know of you is that you laugh a lot, and I think we could all stand to laugh more.”

  Claire watches me scrupulously, and then slowly smiles.

  “That’s what I always say,” Tobias agrees.

  Luke’s fingers shift over the wooden floor to touch my hand, but even though I know it’s just a moment of gratitude I’m compelled to move out of his reach. “I should go,” I say, getting to my feet. “See you both soon. If you need anything …”

  “We know where to find you,” Tobias assures me.

  Luke walks me to the door, and then keeps on walking me home. “Me and Raven …” he starts.

  “Don’t,” I say quickly.

  “There’s sort of an explanation, if you want it.”

  “I don’t. We’re friends, remember?”

  “I remember.”

  People pass by and call out to Luke, or wave. He greets them all by name, and asks after them.

  “How do you know them all so well?” I ask once we’re walking alone again.

  He shrugs. “I talk to them. I ask them things.”

  I feel abruptly sad. I spent so many years hating the fact that there was no one to talk to or connect with. Now I walk The Inferno as though I am still the only uncured person in the world, when in fact I am surrounded by them.

  “I don’t know how to do that,” I say. “Why is it so hard for me and not for you?”

  “I can think of a thousand reasons.”

  I swallow. His eyes are beautiful. This sadness I feel. This ache. When will it end? I hate it, and think, for the millionth time, about the sadness cure. Would it work on me? Or would I be immune to it too?

  Stopping in the middle of the dusty road, I say, “Raven isn’t right for you.”

  He stares at me.

  “You look like you’d be perfect for each other. But she’s ugly on the inside.”

  Luke walks a few steps closer, standing at least a foot taller than me. His outline is clear in the moonlight, the sharp, square features and broad shoulders. “Is this really what we’re doing?” he asks. “Talking about other people?”

  “Maybe we should be seeing other people,” I reply. Inside my heart something screams no no no but I quell it.

  “So that’s what we’re doing then?”

  I clear my throat. “I think so. Yes.”

  “As you wish,” he sighs, and I think, of course, of The Princess Bride, as any sane person would. You thought I was answering ‘as you wish’ but that’s only because you were hearing wrong. ‘I love you’ was what it was, but you never heard.

  “To celebrate this horrid agreement, here’s a present.” Out of his back pocket Luke pulls an old tablet and flicks it on. Tapping open an application, he passes it unceremoniously to me. “For you, my bestest pal. A thousand books. Most of them banned, just ’cause I know how naughty you like to be.”

  I stare at it and forget to breathe. My mind is full of questions like how and when did you get this – but then he says, “A thousand worlds for you to live in that aren’t this one.” Luke smiles a little crookedly, then walks down the dusty street.

  I watch him go, wondering how he could be blind to the fact that I wouldn’t live in any world, no matter how wondrous, if it did not include him.

  Chapter 14

  February 12th, 2066

  Luke

  Before the Gathering I check on Shadow in the infirmary, armed with a bottle of whisky straight from the distillery. He’s looking pretty uncomfortable, the poor guy. I’m surprised he’s conscious, given he just got shot in the guts. He’s made of tough metal. I pass him the drink and he swigs gratefully.

  “You doing alright?”

  He nods. “Don’t you look pretty. Shouldn’t you be off dancing with your dead girlfriend?”

  I wince. “Sorry about that. When I said that I did actually think she was dead.”

  “How long have you known her?”

  I’m surprised – Shadow doesn’t usually do personal questions of any kind. I sink into the chair by his bed. There’s no one else around because they’ve all gone to the Den already, so I sit here and I tell him everything, the whole sordid lot of it, like the big dumb idiot I am. Everything about Josi and me comes pouring out of my mouth and I’ve got no hope of stopping it – our relationship, our search for answers, the blood moon, my deceit and her eventual discovery of it.

  “And now it’s done,” I finish breathlessly. It’s probably way more than he wanted to hear.

  Shadow watches me, his dark eyes shrewd. I feel naked and uncomfortable. “Why?” he asks finally.

  “’Cause she told me. She specifically said the thing between us is gone.”

  He frowns, shakes his head like I’m a moron. “She’s healing, boy,” he says. “You gotta give it time. If she was detached, you’d be right to think it was over. But she’s in pain, which means she’s feeling the loss – just don’t make her do it alone. Connect with her over your shared loss ‘n she might eventually find her way back to connecting with you.”

  I stare at him, astonished. “How do you keep doing that?”

  He shrugs impatiently.

  “You a shrink or something?” I joke.

  “Psych professor. In another life.”

  “You’re joking!” I laugh, unable to believe it. “I sure as hell didn’t see that one coming.”

  He hides a smile. “Get, ratbag.”

  “Yes, Professor.” I grin as I leave, pausing briefly at the door to say, “Thanks, man. Really.”

  He ignores me, drinking his whisky instead.

  *

  Josephine

  After Luke drops me at home I take a shower, holding my cast awkwardly out of the water. I think of all the time I’ll spend reading the books he gave me and am giddy with excitement. Who needs sleep when you have books?

  There’s a knock on the door. “What?”

  “You’re taking forever!” Pace shouts.

  “What’s got you bent out of shape?” I climb out and wrap a towel around me. Pace pushes into the bathroom, shoves me out of it and then slams the door. Jeez. I head to my room to get dressed. All the clothes here are loose and comfy, much to my liking. They have that old-person cut, which is unflattering on everyone. Except Raven, who has found a way to look hot in everything she wears.

  It comes to me again, the sight of her having kissed Luke, and that look in her eyes as she stood there behind him, knowing exactly how upset I’d be. Which essentially means that she knows there’s something between Luke and me. Which essentially means she’s dangerous. Luke and I spoke of seeing other people, and it hadn’t occurred to me before tonight, but now I think it might be the only way to convince Raven that there’s nothing between us.

  Pace barges into my room wearing a clean shirt and slacks. That’s the only word I have for them. They’re not jeans or pants. They’re old-lady slacks.<
br />
  “What’s going on?” I ask.

  “Is that what you’re wearing?”

  I look down at my night shirt and shorts. “To bed? Yes, if that’s okay with you.”

  “It’s the Gathering!” she exclaims.

  “What’s the Gathering?”

  “God, you’re annoying. After the return of a mission there’s like a … dance. In the Den. Everyone goes to celebrate.”

  “Oh. Sorry for not intuiting that out of thin air.”

  “Just get dressed!”

  “I really want to have an early night reading.”

  “Don’t be daft,” she sighs, as though I have made the most ridiculous statement of all time.

  “Fine. I’ll bring my reading then. As Lemony Snicket said, ‘Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them’.”

  “La la la la,” Pace sings loudly to drown me out, her hands covering her ears like she does every time I quote a book.

  “Why are you so freaked out?” I follow her into her bedroom and watch as she fidgets before the mirror. She has a bunch of eyeliners stolen from the city, and she uses one to coat her eyes. “I’m missing something,” I surmise.

  She can’t look at me. And she’s being more weird than usual. I cross to sit on her bed.

  “If you make a single sound or facial expression, I’m going to beat you black and blue,” she warns.

  “The violence,” I sigh.

  “Have you had sex?” It’s flung into the air so bluntly – like a weapon fired – that my mind goes blank.

  “Oh,” I say. Pace angrily applies more eyeliner. “Yes,” I tell her. “Have you?”

  She gives a stiff shake of her head.

  I watch her. “Give the eyeliner a rest,” I say finally.

  Her hand drops. She looks a bit defeated.

  “I mean, hell, I don’t know,” I admit. “But you have the most amazing eyes I’ve ever seen. So don’t put all that crap around them.”

  Pace looks unsure. She’s very unused to going anywhere without a whole lot of eyeliner. Eyeliner like armor. But slowly she takes a tissue and starts to wipe her eyes clean. Then she reaches for the bolt through her nose.

  “Don’t you dare take that out.”

  She looks at me in the mirror, then smiles.

  I head out to get dressed, saying, “If you want to have sex, have sex. If you don’t, don’t. There’s no other rule.”

  “Not that simple, actually.”

  I look back at her. “Why?”

  “It’s illegal.”

  “What is?”

  “Having unsanctioned sex.”

  I stare at her, my neck prickling with horror. “Tell me you’re kidding.”

  “Couples have to apply for permission to have sex, because there’s a risk of getting pregnant. It’s how we control the birth rate here – we only have the means to support a particular population.”

  “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard!” I exclaim.

  Pace shrugs as though it doesn’t bother her all that much, but I can’t believe it. It’s just like I imagined would eventually happen in the city – the next step will be forcing people to breed with genetically compatible partners or something.

  “All we have out here is endless space,” I say. We should be growing our numbers.

  “Not inside the walls,” Pace replies, and to me this place starts to feel like the prison it once was.

  *

  The Den is rowdy tonight. People are dressed in their clean clothes, and miraculously look as though they’ve washed. Musicians are playing in the corner – guitars and violins, which will do in a pinch, but sadly no cellos. The tables have been shoved back and the floor is crowded with dancers. Everyone looks like they’re having a great time, wild and free and full of all the good stuff.

  I watch Pace cross to Hal, but because Will isn’t with them right now I don’t follow her. I can see exactly how she looks at him, and I smile.

  I search for Claire and Tobias but guess they must have felt too intimidated to venture into this chaos. At the drinks table I take a whisky and it burns down my throat. When I’ve made my way back to the wall, I spot Luke entering. And damn. He looks good in his buttoned linen shirt. He always looks good. I think he does it just to make life hard for me.

  That first night we met I thought he seemed unquiet, that there was something restless and wild beneath his surface. Well it’s not beneath the surface now. It’s the only thing you see when you look at Luke. He bristles, his eyes darting around the room. He looks angry. But when his gaze lands on me I see a smile curl his lips and I know the anger’s morphed into something else entirely.

  Raven makes a beeline for him and says something that makes him frown. He deliberates a second, then follows her to the drinks table. They look gorgeous together. Of course.

  A fight breaks out in the corner and a bunch of people start yelling and hurting each other, but it’s so normal here that no one else pays it much attention. At the drinks table Raven gives Luke a lingering kiss on the cheek and then moves to dance with Quinn, who is busting a move or two on the dance floor. He’s actually a really good dancer, which is quite charming. Raven’s smile when she looks at him is different. I think it’s less guarded, somehow. And I think that, even if she doesn’t know it, Quinn is good for her.

  I decide to find someone with whom to start this new, impossible pact: seeing other people. I imagine applying for permission to have sex with someone and can’t help laughing under my breath, it’s so absurd. Scanning the room, a few men catch my eye. It’s difficult because I have never in my life scoped a room for desirables.

  On the edge of the dance floor is a tall man who looks about thirty, which makes him a fair bit older than me, but he has red hair and red freckles and I like that about him, so I cross the room. “Hello,” I greet him a bit awkwardly.

  He turns to me, surprised, and looks a little lost for words. “Hi.”

  “I’m Dual.”

  “Eric.”

  I nod and we turn to watch the dancers together.

  “I know who you are,” he admits.

  “Oh no. The brat who doesn’t work?”

  “The Iron Queen. I watched you take a thousand punches and keep getting back up.”

  “Yeah well, I can only blame delirious idiocy.”

  “I thought it was pretty great.”

  “How long have you been here?”

  “Fifteen years.”

  “Wow.”

  He folds his arms, which are freckled and quite muscly, I now notice. And he has a very nice smile.

  “Have you ever thought about leaving?” I ask Eric.

  “To go where?”

  I shrug. “Good point.”

  I catch sight of Luke and oh god it hurts. But his eyes cut through the dance floor and find me on the other side and I know that he’s as unhappy as I am. Eric is saying something but I can’t hear him, because I’m watching Luke round the dance floor toward me, pushing through people to reach my side. He takes my hand and leads me away from Eric, even though the poor man is mid-sentence. Raven is watching us, and Quinn is watching us, and actually a whole lot of people are watching us, but foolishly I don’t much care.

  Luke draws me into a quiet corner. I feel so flushed I can barely string a thought together. He leans his mouth close to my ear. What is he doing? “Nice slacks.”

  The tension dissolves and I burst into laughter. I can’t help it. “Go away,” I wheeze. “I was having a conversation.”

  “Intolerable,” he comments. “I wish I had Will’s moves.”

  Will is breakdancing, and he is spectacular. Everyone has formed a circle around him. He spins on his head, and I laugh with delight. Luke chuckles softly; I can feel his breath too close to my face.

  “Wanna dance?” I ask, even though I’m terrible at it.

  “Screw dancing. Let’s go hunting.”

  I turn and look at his face. There’s something very much aliv
e in his eyes and his mouth. So we finish our drinks and we go hunting.

  *

  Luke

  “What happened between you and Raven?” she asks me.

  The question hangs in the quiet air between us. The dead forest is lit by the waxing gibbous moon as it moves higher in the sky. Bark and twigs crunch under Josephine’s heavy footfall. She’s extremely loud and it’s quite stressful. “Hey, girl, hold up. Try walking on the balls of your feet.”

  “I know how to walk.”

  “Yeah and tread earthquakes as you go.”

  “Are you saying I’m fat?”

  I can’t help but laugh, which was her intention.

  “Are you going to answer the question?”

  “Nothing happened.” She obviously doesn’t believe me, and I can’t stop thinking about Shadow’s words. “She kissed me.”

  “Is that all? What about last year?”

  “She got naked in front of me once. I sent her home.”

  “A woman as beautiful as Raven presents her naked body to you and you say no?”

  I spread my hands, feeling a bit annoyed. “I was with you.”

  “Not really.”

  “Yes, really. I had no interest in her. I’m not some insatiable beast who has to fuck anything that presents itself.” I pause, and when she doesn’t reply I add, “I’m not gonna beg you to believe me. I hope you know me well enough by now to see how much Raven repulses me.”

  “I don’t know you at all,” she says automatically.

  “Bullshit.”

  A long silence. We keep to the cover of trees as much as we can, constantly on the lookout. “Clearly Raven wasn’t all that worried about the law against ‘procreation’,” Josi mutters. “How gross is that, by the way.”

  “Very. And I don’t think Raven believes the rules apply to her.”

  “How nice for her.” Josi pauses, then concedes, “I shouldn’t have asked, anyway. It’s none of my business.”

  “Of course it’s your business.”

  “Shadow climbs trees and waits for them to come. Wanna climb a tree?”