by Claire Adams
“Ana, you should go back inside now,” Nate’s voice said with a husky breath.
I watched as his eyes locked onto mine and he inhaled a deep, long breath. His gaze made my pulse flutter and I also pulled in a deep breath as I looked down at his shirtless chest. He didn’t let go of my hand though.
The fact that he kept his hand and mine together flooded my mind and I couldn’t think straight. I liked feeling his touch on my skin. It made my whole body feel happy, and for that brief moment, I forgot everything else that had been going on. For that tiny second, I was just a girl sitting next to a handsome man and holding hands with him. It was a glorious moment for me.
The sweat that covered his muscles made him glisten in the light of the moon. I was still holding onto his hand, but I felt the urge to reach forward and touch his chest. Nothing about the moment made sense to my mind as I let go of his hand and wrapped my arms around his neck while planting a kiss smack dab on his lips.
He didn’t pull away. Nate kissed me back. Instantly, I felt a rush that I hadn’t felt in months. I felt the adrenaline whoosh through my body like a high from one of the drugs that Stephano had been pumping into me. But this high had touching and tingling and was much more fun.
I melted into the touch of his lips on mine. It hadn’t crossed my mind until that moment, but his taste was so delicious I wanted more and more of him. Our lips pressed hard into each other and I felt his hands as they grabbed my body and pulled me close to him. Slowly, our mouths opened and I welcomed his tongue into me as it twisted and devoured. It felt right. Whatever else was going on in the world, at that very moment, I felt rapturous and at peace. I wanted to feel like that all the time. I was so tired of the anger and fear that had been taking up most of my thoughts; lust was a much better emotion to have.
Everything about Nate enticed me and made me want more of him. The gentle touch of his lips and firm grip of his hands were gentle enough that I felt safe in his arms. I wanted that moment to continue, anything to avoid the pain that was going through my mind on a daily basis was a good idea, and kissing him had been the best idea yet. The tender touch of his hands, the smoothness of his skin, I was lost and didn’t want to come back to reality. My hand reached down to grab the bulge in his pants and I was pleasantly delighted by the pure size of it. He was throbbing for me already.
“No, you should go inside,” Nate said as he pulled my hand away from him and gently pushed himself back.
He stood up and made his way back toward the heavy bag, but instead of having his back toward me he went around the other side and used the bag as a barrier between us. He didn’t want me. It had felt like he wanted me just as much as I wanted him, but he pulled away from me and hid like I had done something horrible to him.
Embarrassment flushed over my face as I realized I had just thrown myself at a man who wasn’t interested in me at all. I couldn’t tell what had come over me or why, in my current mental state, I thought it was a good idea. But I felt comforted by his touch and that was all I cared about. My body felt more alive than I could remember. I would have made love to him at that moment and been lost in the feelings that would take me away from everything else that was going on in my life.
My embarrassment was too much for me, and I couldn’t manage to get a single word out of my mouth before I darted out of the building and back to my bedroom. I had literally just thrown myself at a man who had only showed me kindness and respect. The word hussy popped into my mind as the best way of explaining my behavior. Really, what kind of woman throws herself at a man only hours after being released from a treatment facility? Apparently I was that kind of woman.
The sickening feeling in my stomach only continued to grow as I closed the bedroom door behind me and went to the window to look out to where Nate was. He must have thought I was absolutely insane. First I am a zombie in the kitchen, breaking his refrigerator, then I’m screaming at him like a maniac, and then I just threw myself at him like a prostitute. The humiliation ran deep and I vowed to not leave my bedroom without a distinct reason.
I had pretty much everything I needed in there. I had a television, books, and bathroom: I would only have to leave when I needed to eat. Surely I could just wait for him to go outside or into his room and I would hurry into the kitchen and grab some food and then come back to my room. If I planned my day accordingly, I wouldn’t have to come face to face with Nate again at all.
Throwing myself at men was kind of my pattern though, and I knew it. I fell for guys and forgot all about myself. And quite frankly, it was exactly what had gotten me into so much trouble in the first place. If I hadn’t fallen for Stephano’s tricks, I wouldn’t have flown to the United States and I wouldn’t have ended up being held prisoner by him. The mere idea that I had given up my entire life to meet some man I didn’t know still sounded utterly insane to me, but I hadn’t thought of it that way when it was happening.
I had to do better. My mind was set on making better choices and that was going to start right at that very moment. Nate was a nice man and his house was the perfect place for me to try and recover and get myself together. I really hoped I hadn’t ruined it all by throwing myself at him like I had. He probably had a girlfriend. There was no way a nice looking guy like him wouldn’t already have someone.
The level of pathetic sadness that was building up in my life was hard to imagine. Just one year before, I had been clubbing in Europe with my friends. I was confident and felt beautiful—nothing like I felt at the moment. Instead of beauty and self-confidence, I felt full of self-doubt and loathing.
For a moment, I watched Nate through my window as he went back to punching his equipment. He was handsome, much more so than I had realized before. Without the worry of him seeing me, I could just stand there and watch him, his sculpted torso tightening up as he swung his arms at the heavy bag. I didn’t like his beard, though; it was much too scruffy and had changed his looks quite a bit. But who was I to tell him how he should wear his facial hair?
Wow, I couldn’t believe I was even thinking about his facial hair. The funny thing was, Nate wasn’t even my type of guy. I liked older guys, more established, guys who dressed in tailored suits and drove nice cars. Nate was the exact opposite of every guy I had ever dated, yet I felt an obvious attraction to him.
I flipped the light off, pulled a chair in front of the door, and climbed back into bed. The chair wasn’t there because I was afraid of Nate coming into my room: it was to keep me from getting out of the room and causing any more damage.
I couldn’t risk that I would do something totally stupid that would make Nate angry with me. As it was, I had probably ruined the opportunity to stay with him. I wouldn’t blame him at all if he decided he didn’t want me to stay there and instead wanted me to move in with Jordan.
My life didn’t even seem like my own anymore. I was staying with a man I hardly knew in a country I hardly knew. Sometimes I just wanted to go back home and live the simple life that I had started to live when I was younger.
Of course, my life back in Liechtenstein wasn’t all that fabulous either, though and when I got nostalgic for it, I always tried to remember that the choices I had made up to that point in my life had all been my choices.
Sure, I didn’t know that Stephano was a crazy man, but I did know that there were risks in flying to the United States to meet a man I hardly knew. I knew the risks and I still made the decision to come to the United States. So when I started to feel helpless or like Stephano had been the only one to blame for my horrible last year of my life; I had to put my own perspective out of view and think about my decision-making skills.
Would I make the same decision to come to the United State? Probably not, but who knows. I was blinded by what I thought was love when I met Stephano online and I could be blinded by those types of emotions again. Love was always something that I wanted more of in my life.
Without love, who were we? We were just individual people on a planet trying to ge
t by to the next day without extinction. I wanted more from my life than that. I wanted something that was so exhilarating, I couldn’t help but feel the energy as it rushed through my body. That kind of love was what I wanted to find, and I would start looking for it as soon as I got over the embarrassment of throwing myself at Nate.
I made a vow to myself to stop worrying about anything else except what I had to do to get myself better. I was going to spend the whole night making a list of the things I could do that would help me overcome my past and move forward.
Everything I could imagine was on the list, including staying organized, studying a foreign language, and even the possibility of going back to college. I wasn’t thinking small at all. I was going to think big and go after every possible dream I could.
The idea of having a purpose came up as I was thinking about my dreams. I had never really had a purpose in life. Sure, I wanted to have fun and enjoy my family and friends, but I didn’t have an overall purpose that would guide me in my choices.
So I needed to find a purpose. It had to be something that would inspire me in all the things I did and it would have to be simple at first since it was my first declaration of purpose I had ever made in my life.
But as I thought about it, this wasn’t the first declaration of purpose I had made. I had always said I wanted to help people. I didn’t know exactly how I wanted to help people just yet, but I did have a purpose in my life and I was going to keep moving toward that purpose with whatever little steps I could make.
Chapter 6
NATE
I woke up to the noise of two car doors slamming shut. Instantly, I was on my feet and heading toward the front door. I couldn’t have Chase and Jordan talking to Ana yet. I didn’t need her to go with them. After what had happened the previous night I was sure the best place for Ana was right there with me.
We had worked through things and she had apologized. Well, she had done more than apologize, but I wasn’t going to tell them about what else had happened between us. It was very early in the morning for them to be there and I instantly felt bad that I had called them so quickly when we arrived back home.
“Jordan,” I heard Ana’s voice say from the kitchen as she ran to the front door and swung it open quickly.
“Hey, Ana, you look great!” Jordan’s voice had a kind of surprise in it as she looked at me.
I stood in the living room and watched the whole scene as Ana hugged Jordan and then Chase. Jordan was right: Ana looked amazing. Her hair was freshly washed and she had hint of makeup and a huge smile. Her hands weren’t shaking at all and she looked relaxed and happy. It was so far from what she had been like the day before that I couldn’t wrap my brain around what was going on.
I kept looking at Ana and trying to figure out how she looked so good in the morning, yet had seemed so totally out of it the night before. Something wasn’t right, and I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Hey, man,” Chase said as he came over to stand near me. “She looks better than I’ve ever seen her. What’s up?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
Chase and I stood in awe watching Ana hug and laugh with Jordan. She was full of energy and smiling like I had never imagined was even possible for her to do. My first thought was that she was high on something. Old habits die hard, and I had seen plenty of my friends go back to using and drinking after they had tried to get clean. It was the only explanation I could come up with for the drastic change in Ana.
“You look really good, Ana,” Jordan said again as the women hugged some more and then went into the kitchen.
My skepticism was high, but I followed the women anyways. I wasn’t use to having any woman around my house, but the mood swings with Ana were of epic proportions and it was difficult understand.
Women weren’t my strong suit. I was skilled at seeing threats from miles away and protecting people. That was what I got paid to do. In my work life and when I had been in the military, my job was simple; protect people. When I got sent out on assignments, I had a very clear set of guidelines of where I was picking a client up at and where I was bringing them to. Sometimes it was in the middle of a war zone, other times it was simply a dangerous city or town; but the rules were always clear.
With Ana, the rules of engagement weren’t clear at all. I felt myself constantly wondering what I should say to her or how I should say it. Then she kissed me. That had put my head into a spinning whirlwind that still hadn’t stopped.
The rules of how to deal with Ana certainly weren’t anywhere near clear enough for me, but I couldn’t help but feel a little happy that she was looking so much better that morning. I hoped it was going to be a new change for her, but deep down I thought that she was putting on an act for her friends so they wouldn’t worry about her. I had done a similar act when I first got out of the military and pretended I was really happy with the choice. But I wasn’t all that happy with leaving the military and didn’t find happiness again until I got a job in private security.
The night before I certainly felt something between us, but I hadn’t met a beautiful woman that I could resist, so it didn’t seem all that unusual for me to be aroused by her. But as she placed her bare hand onto my chest and moved her lips to mine, I knew I was in trouble. I couldn’t stop myself. My brain was screaming that this woman didn’t really want to be kissing me. She was in desperate need for security and my presence was giving her that. My brain knew it, but my body reacted all on its own.
The smell of her body still lingered for me and I closed my eyes while in the kitchen and remembered her touch. It had taken every last bit of my energy to pull away from her and send her back inside the house. She didn’t want me. It was a stress reaction to all that she had been through. No matter how badly I wanted her, I wouldn’t take advantage of her when she was vulnerable.
“Yeah, I couldn’t sleep so I got up early and worked out, took a shower, and baked these little, mini quiche,” Ana said with a wide grin on her face.
“A little sleep deprived mania seems to be doing her well,” Chase snickered as he stood next to me.
I wasn’t at all happy to hear that Ana hadn’t slept, but I wasn’t going to make a scene with Chase and Jordan there. Instead, I would go along with her act just until they left, but then we were going to have a serious talk about what she needed to do if she actually wanted to start feeling better.
“Yeah, she’s in a much better mood,” I added. “So are you serving us this delicious breakfast you made?”
My voice cut through the kitchen and the smile on Ana’s face instantly froze. She didn’t look at me at all, but turned and grabbed a plate and filled it up. The quick move to total silence was strange and Jordan gave me a look like I had done something wrong. I hated that look, and when it came from Jordan I hated it even more. Jordan had turned into the mother figure of our little group and I didn’t want to do anything to disappoint her.
I shrugged my shoulders. I had no idea what I had done that had Ana unwilling to look at me or talk to me. It was she who had kissed me and I simply put a stop to it. If anyone should be embarrassed, it would be me for actually stopping such a beautiful woman’s advances. If I had been a lesser man, I would have let her continue. I would have kept her hand wrapped around my throbbing cock and maybe even brought her inside to my bed. But I was better than that and Ana deserved better than making out with me in my makeshift gym.
“Can you hand that to Nathan, please?” Ana asked Jordan softly without looked toward me at all.
“Sure.”
I saw Jordan’s eyes staring me down as she walked over and handed me the plate. I continued to shrug and tried to figure out what the heck I had done. Let’s be honest, I thought I had done something for sure. As a soldier, I was very observant, as a private security guard as well, but as a man around a woman, I couldn’t figure out a damn thing.
Chase laughed and covered his mouth as he watched Jordan chastising me with her eyes. He
seemed particularly amused by the trouble I was in. Chase and Jordan were so perfect together it made me sick to my stomach sometimes. But not because I hated it; I wanted what they had someday, I just didn’t know how long I wanted to wait before I went after that domestic lifestyle.
“What did you do? Why does Ana hate you?” Chase whispered.
“Let’s go out to my shed I’ll tell you.”
I finished eating the quiche as Jordan handed Chase his own to eat. The silence continued and the level of awkwardness that filled the room made it like a thick cell that we all wanted to escape. Chase could hardly keep a straight face as he finished his food and tried to get out of the kitchen without getting into any more trouble with the ladies.
“Hey, how’s the gym going out back?”Chase offered up as a reason for us to leave.
“Let me show you. It’s looking real nice. You ladies enjoy catching up; we’re going to head out back.”
As quickly as possible, Chase and I made our way out of the house and toward my workout shed without looking back. Chase was almost buckled over with laughter by the time we made it to the building and I couldn’t hold back my own laughter at the sight of him. He hadn’t seen me get into trouble with Jordan before and it was causing some pretty hilarious laughter in both of us.
“What did you do?” Chase asked accusingly. “You slept with her didn’t you?”
He didn’t look particularly disappointed at the idea that I would have slept with Ana. She was a beautiful woman and I would have been lucky to have her in my bed. But I absolutely wouldn’t take advantage of her like that. She had so much healing still to do and I would just cause more harm than good if I got involved with her.