by Claire Adams
“No!”
“Why did you just look away when you said that?” Chase exclaimed. “I know all those facial recognition things too. I’ve read the books. You’re lying to me. Why did you look away?”
“I didn’t. Hey, I’m the one with facial recognition experience. You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
But clearly he did. My years of harping about what liars look like when they lie had obviously soaked in and Chase knew that something was up. Certainly I wasn’t lying to him, but the fact that I looked away when he asked the question showed that there was much more to the story than I was letting on. As much as I didn’t want to tell Chase what had happened, I knew it would be easier to just cave in and tell him now.
“Okay, well there was a kiss,” I added.
“You sly dog. She’s sexy as hell. I say go for it. Give her something to be distracted by,” Chase joked with me and punched my arm.
“No, she kissed me!”
“What? No way.”
“Yeah, first she yelled and screamed at me after having a dissociative event and cutting her hand. Then she came out here and kissed me.”
Of course there was much more to the story, but I didn’t feel like Chase needed to hear all of that. I just wanted to fill him in on the basics of what happened. But it really didn’t give any clues to why Ana wasn’t looking at me at all while she was in the kitchen.
“Shit, what happened before she kissed you? That seems odd.”
“I was just trying to be nice to her and told her what happened when she spaced out. Then she touched me.”
Chase again started to laugh like he was a teenage boy. We hadn’t had a good talk about my love life in a few months; it felt good to have my brother there to chat with. I only wished that our brother, Jeremiah, was around too; he always loved a good makeout story. Jeremiah went on to become an actor and I swore that it was because he would get to makeout with different women and get paid for it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had become a porn star, but was much happier with the plan of being an actor.
“She touched you in a bad spot?” he teased.
“Stop. It’s serious, Chase. She’s not in any position to be fucking someone. I put a stop to it and now she won’t even look at me.”
“She’s just embarrassed. Girls hate being told no.”
“How would you know, Chase? You’ve never told a girl no before,” I laughed hysterically.
“So you want her to come stay with us still?” Chase questioned me with a smirk.
I could see it in his eyes that he thought I had ulterior motives. I really couldn’t blame him. He knew me well. I certainly hadn’t established myself as the relationship type of guy or the sweet, sensitive guy that would give up a night of sex with any woman. But things were different with Ana.
Ana had been through so much already; I couldn’t be the person who took advantage of her. She didn’t even know how to care for herself yet after all she had gone through. I also wouldn’t be the person who sent her away at the first sign of trouble. I could control myself around her, even if she wasn’t able to.
My philandering was always with women who knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. Women from the bars who practically threw themselves at me so I would take them home. Those women were nothing like Ana. I didn’t feel bad about screwing them on a one-night stand because I knew nothing about them. But I knew about Ana and I wasn’t about to do something I would regret with her.
When I was around Ana, I was a different man than I was around any other person on the earth. Everything about her made me want to be a better person and I liked that about her. I wanted to be a better man and less of an asshole to her; it wasn’t something she asked for, though, it was just how I wanted her to see me.
From the moment I carried her out of Stephano’s home, I felt something for her. It was a connection, a need to protect her. I wasn’t about to go against that feeling. Whatever was coming in the future for Ana and I wouldn’t come until she was better and I felt like she knew what she was doing. Because at the moment, it felt like Ana was whirling through life on autopilot with no control over her actions.
“I don’t think she wants to leave, but we can ask her. If she wants to stay, I’m fine with it. Does she have a counselor or someone to talk to? I feel like she needs someone.”
Chase noted the serious tone in my voice and he didn’t continue on with the teasing. He and I were close enough that he knew when I was ready to move on. Chase could tell that I really did care about Ana’s wellbeing.
“I’ll have Jordan and her work something out. How long until you head out on your next job?”
“No idea. I haven’t returned anyone’s calls.”
“Are you ready to start your own thing? I’d be happy to invest.”
Chase knew I had a business plan to start my own private security firm. I was so sick and tired of deploying to dangerous locations with crappy intel and poor supplies. These suits that ran my current company didn’t understand how much safer the jobs could be if only they would hire an analyst to work up the areas before we arrived. Currently the intelligence package we got about locations was so old that often we didn’t even have an accurate map to work with. That intel information was crucial for being able to protect the big named senators, celebrities, and executives that I was hired to work with. Sooner or later, a big event was going to happen all because of the crappy intelligence they had.
Plus, they often sent us to locations with nothing more than a couple handguns. These were dangerous places where the rebels had grenades, missiles, and night vision, and we had nothing to protect ourselves. Most of the guys who worked with me had all purchased their own bulletproof vests to give their families some sort of reassurance that they had protection, but it was a minimal effort against some of the rebels we encountered.
“No, I think I’m going to have to wait a couple more months. Two of the guys who want to come work with me are in contracts until then. I’d also like to pull away one of their big clients, which means I need to do one more job for him. Prove that I can handle his work.”
“Where’s the job?”
“I’ve heard he has an office in Damascus, Syria that he’s trying to close down and get his people out of. He’s got a new, billion-dollar facility in Dubai that he’s moving everyone to.”
“Syria? Shit, that’s dangerous.”
“I know. He’s been trying to get people and their families out slowly, but it’s tough. I think that’s the job they’ve been calling me about. But to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. Not because it’s Syria, but because my employer won’t make it a very safe job.”
“What isn’t a safe job?” Jordan asked as we turned and saw her and Ana standing in the doorway.
“His next assignment is in Syria,” Chase added.
“Syria? Why would you go there? That’s way too dangerous. You should tell them no,” Ana voiced her concern. “I was there with my family ten years ago; it was dangerous then and it’s much worse now.”
“You were there?” I asked.
This tidbit of information about her past was about all I knew so far. Jordan had been pretty busy with her life with Chase and I hadn’t tried to be too pushy to find out. All I knew was that Ana had accepted an invitation from Stephano to come to the United States from Liechtenstein.
“Yeah, my father had a job over there for a short period of time. Luckily he got out though. Most of the men at his company were murdered by rebels in the area a few years later.”
“Nate works as a private security guard for an oil tycoon over there.”
“Thanks, Chase, for that commentary,” I joked with him. “I don’t know if I’m going to take the job yet. I haven’t returned a call to the office in a few weeks.”
I noticed Ana’s hand started to shake and she grabbed onto Jordan and whispered something in her ear. The two women turned toward each other and Chase and I watched as they were
deep in conversation.
“We are going to head back inside,” Jordan said and wrapped her arm around Ana’s waist and walked away.
“I can’t take that job and leave Ana here,” I said.
“Well you can’t stop working for the rest of your life to take care of her either. She’ll be fine. Give it a week or two and then take your job. Jordan can come stay here, or Ana can just come and stay with us. We will take care of her.”
“Chase! Nate! Come help!” Jordan screamed from the house.
Her voice seemed frantic as we both took off running toward the house. When we got close enough, we saw Ana on the ground with Jordan standing over her. Ana was pail and appeared to have passed out but was coming back to us as she opened her eyes.
“What happened?” I asked as I kneeled down next to her.
“She was hyperventilating and as we walked up the steps she just collapsed.”
I couldn’t believe my eyes as I saw her lying there on the ground. She looked so fragile and I instantly remembered what she had looked like while sitting in the corner of the room at Stephano’s.
“Does anything hurt?” I asked.
“No. I’m fine,” Ana said as she started to stand up.
“I don’t think so. I’ll get you inside to your bed.”
I scooped Ana up into my arms as Jordan held the door for me so I could carry her into the room. She was light, barely heavy enough for me to struggle with at all. I flashed back to that night when I picked her up from a back bedroom at Stephano’s house. She had been so scared, so innocent, and so out of it.
“Put me down you big oaf. I’m perfectly capable of walking,” Ana said as she slapped my chest.
“Ouch.”
She sure was a handful when she was conscious, I laughed to myself. But it was serious that she had passed out. Normal, healthy people didn’t just pass out for no reason and I thought we should probably take her to the doctor to get checked out, but then I knew she wouldn’t agree to that unless it was an actual emergency.
“I’m not an infant. Put me down. I’m fine.”
“I was just trying to help.”
“I don’t need rescuing,” Ana said firmly as I carried her into her room.
Her room was in perfect order, with everything organized and in place. I noticed the sandwich I had made her the previous evening was still sitting on the nightstand. I really didn’t like all the fake energy that she had been pretending to have; there was no way a woman could stay up all night long and then have that kind of energy in the next morning.
“Did you eat anything?” I questioned.
“I don’t remember.”
“You made breakfast for us all and I didn’t see you eat anything then either. Did you eat something or not?”
“Don’t talk to me like a child.”
“Well, if you’re going to act like a child then I’m going to talk to you like one,” I grabbed the sandwich and placed it in her hands. “Eat.”
“Jordan!” Ana screamed as she stood up to leave, but I didn’t move from the doorway.
Jordan came and stood next to me. I hoped she wouldn’t start trying to protect Ana and instead would let Ana and I work things out, but I didn’t have the time to explain to Jordan why she should leave Ana alone for a few moments at least.
“This oaf is trying to tell me what to do.”
“I’d listen to him if I were you. You should eat something,” Jordan sweetly replied.
“Fine,” Ana said as she took a big bite of her sandwich.
I smiled at her as we both turned back toward Ana. She saw the united front that was going on and sulked back into her bed. She sure was a stubborn one. But then again, I was exactly the same way.
“You are wrapped up in your thoughts; you have to let Nate help. And you have to sleep and eat. You’ll never get better if you don’t,” Jordan continued. “You didn’t sleep last night did you?”
“I wasn’t that tired.”
“Maybe you should come stay with us. I can hire a nurse to come help take care of you. It’s important that you eat and sleep.”
“Hell no! I’m fine right here. There is no way I’m going to have some lady in a white coat trying to tell me what to do.”
“Then you’ll need to take care of yourself, or that’s exactly what I’ll do,” Jordan threatened as she moved toward Ana and hugged her. “I need you to get well. You’re going to be an aunt soon.”
Jordan put Ana’s hand on her belly so she could feel the baby moving. The tension in the room calmed down almost instantly and Ana started to tear up. I made my way out of the room and let the two women have their moment. They weren’t sisters, but Ana and Jordan were just as close as sisters, and I could tell Jordan only wanted what was best for her friend. Just like I did.
Chapter 7
ANA
Emotions were never something I was very good at. I tried to avoid them even more while in treatment. But I knew I had to face them. The problem was, I also had to function day in and day out, and after kissing Nate and screaming at him the night before, I knew I had to do something different. I had to figure out a way to get a hold of myself and my emotions. I felt so out of control. It really wasn’t Nate’s fault and I knew that; it was me and my emotions. I was going to work harder to have more control.
I had stayed up all night long trying to organize and control my environment. I took a shower, shaved my legs, made breakfast for Nate, which ended up being for Jordan and Chase as well. It helped my anxiety to stay so busy, but again, I knew I shouldn’t have stayed up all night long.
It was weird how I could tell something was wrong when I looked back at the moment, but I couldn’t tell in the moment at all. It wasn’t easy trying to adjust to normal life and I was going to have to learn some hard lessons along the way.
Nate was right, though: I wasn’t taking good care of myself and I knew it. After six months at the treatment facility, I was on my own and sucking at caring for myself.. It was a simple thing that even a teenager could manage to do, yet I had been making a mess of it since I got out of treatment.
While at the treatment facility, I didn’t have to be in control of everything. They told me when to be in a group session, I had appointments and tasks, and there was always something for me to do. Although I clearly worked very hard while I was there, I didn’t have to make nearly as many decisions on a daily basis as I had already been making since being at Nate’s house.
“It’s going to be a girl?” I asked Jordan as she let me touch her stomach.
“Yes, and we have to show her what strong women look like.”
Jordan kept saying I was a strong woman. It baffled me that she thought that about me. I hadn’t been strong. I had jumped on a plane to see the first man who showed real interest in me. He turned out to be a horrible person and the torture I went through there wasn’t anything I wanted to relive. But I didn’t feel strong at all. I felt weaker than I had ever felt in my entire life.
Strong women weren’t able to be so easily swayed into a man’s arms. Jordan was a stronger woman than I had ever been. She made better decisions and had a clear head on her shoulders. If I could be more like her, then I would feel like a strong woman.
“I’m trying, Jordan. I really am. But I feel like my brain has been through a blender.”
“Why did you get so emotional when you heard that Nate was talking about going to Syria for his job?” Jordan asked out of the blue.
“I don’t know,” I lied to her.
The truth was, I remembered my time in Syria even better than I remembered what had happened at Stephano’s house. I had been young when we were in Syria, but the smells and memories were still very strong. I remembered the fear on my mother’s face and the frantic way my father scooped us up and we all ran for safety one night. There were bombs and fires, all sorts of horrible things. It wasn’t a safe place, and I didn’t want Nate to go there.
“Do you want to stay here? Or would you rathe
r come back to the house with us?” Jordan offered.
She was such a sweet friend. Even in her pregnancy and her time with her new husband she was willing to offer what she had to me. But I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t going to take away her special time with her new family.
The truth was, it was better for me at Nate’s house. We were out in the middle of nowhere and I could actually relax. If I could stop throwing myself at the poor man we could probably learn to get along well and not have any more outbursts toward each other.
“Absolutely not. I’m doing great here. I’ll listen to you all. I’ll sleep and eat and do all those boring things.”
We hugged and I felt the warmth in Jordan’s touch. She had a level of compassion for me that I wasn’t even sure I had for myself at that point. I was lucky to have her as a friend and lucky to have Nate and Chase around as well. Even though I was apparently sucking at the whole recovery thing, I wasn’t constantly shaking or hiding in the corner, so that felt like a little bit of a victory.
We finished our hugging and I said my goodbyes. Nate said his goodbyes to them as well and we both stood on the porch as they drove away. Suddenly, the absence of other people made the two of us feel uncomfortable around each other. We hadn’t exactly talked things out at all and there was the elephant in the room when the two of us were left alone.
I knew exactly why: it was that damn kiss. It had been a stupid mistake and I wished I could take it back. Nate was simply trying to help me out and I made it into some weird, romantic thing. No matter what I was feeling for him, it wasn’t the time or the place to go after a guy. I had to get better.
The truth was, I wasn’t in a good place to even be worrying about chasing after a man. I had to work on myself and that was where I should have been concentrating all of my energy. No more focusing on Nate or anything outside of myself; I made a promise to really make more of an effort to get my own body and mind healthy before I started looking for any love and affection.