Daughter of Fire

by Irina Tweedie

  “Sufism is as old as humanity. It is the Ancient Wisdom. The Sect of Kamal Posh (the blanket wearers) went to every Prophet of the time, but no one satisfied them completely. But when they went to Prophet Mohammed, they were completely satisfied. So they remained with him… because the doctrines of Islam, not the Religion, the doctrines I mean, are the highest, the most perfect Teaching…. ‘There is only one Allah, and nothing else beside it.’

  The way it was presented was so perfect….”

  Since midday I am in a strange mood. Doing my practice while lying under the fan after my bath, I could not help thinking of all the Lines of Superiors who went before us for hundreds, no, for thousands of years…. Like Great Luminaries, rising each one in turn, shedding light on the humanity in darkness… each one doing his duty and then passing on the Power and the Path to the successor….

  If I could keep my mind merged in the Master, and through him in all the Superiors, and through them to God, then my mind would not give me trouble anymore. Tomorrow at the grave of his Father I shall pray for that…. The car will be here at seven to take us to Samadhi. I learned a few days ago that he wanted to go and arranged for the car with Mrs. Sharma. I did hope he would take me too; he told me yesterday that I was coming with them. I was so glad. I know, I must pray so much….

  17th April

  I WAS THERE WITH THE SHARMA’S CAR and the driver, at quarter to seven. About half past seven we left with two cars, the other was of one of his disciples. Our car had to wait in the bazaar for Guruji who was in the other car. I hoped so much to go in the same one as him, but no, I had to sit with the daughters-in-law. While we were waiting, the kid, Pappu, was jumping in the front seat making an awful lot of noise. And I kept thinking I am always sacrificed…. He took with him the smelly old Pandit and I was confined amongst giggling daughters-in-law and a jumping child…. Why can’t anything go smoothly with him? Why are there always unnecessary sufferings and frustrations? But great peace was with me and I felt that it would be my day… it was. After a while Guruji’s car joined ours and we proceeded to the Samadhi. Guruji’s car went into the compound.

  Our car stopped at the gate. So I made it in a way that I was walking to the Samadhi alone. Wind in my face .. . and I was glad that there was the wind I love so much… smelling of sun-baked earth, a bit of dust, giving the feeling of the vastness of the plains. I noticed that the distances were hazy with dust. Then I entered the Samadhi taking off my sandals, sat down at the usual place, facing him, a little to the right. Between him and me were the two graves. We were only twelve people and the driver. The only child was Pappu, but he kept quiet.

  Wind in my face… the blessed wind …. He went into a deep state immediately. And I prayed. Prayed that my mind might be absorbed into this mind, my heart into his heart, and through him in all Superiors, and through them in God…. How I prayed… so much.

  I knew that he prayed for me. I felt it. And I thought of all those who went before… the glorious procession of Param Para, culminating in him, the great man of the time. And if God is gracious to me, I will form part of this chain. I prayed and prayed and my heart was so full, but I did not cry… there was infinite peace. Few people and silence and only the voice of the wind. Now he was talking to the smelly Pandit. I turned my face to the wind. It blew and tore on my head-scarf, winding it around my neck. Merciful God… help me…. Merciful Saint, tell your son to be kind to me, for I have to surrender. Blow wind, blow, smelling of freedom…. And when we came back there was still peace. Help me, oh, help me, You who know everything! Alone I cannot do it!!

  18th April

  “IF ONE IS AFTER THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH, one cannot be after people.

  Two souls cannot live in one body. The richest people in town at one time or the other come to me. What for? If they have five mills, they want eight. I am not a mill owner; they should go to the mill-owners.

  I am polite to everybody; this is another matter. And if people come for help, help should be given. But I am not after anyone. They should come and merge themselves. Divine Providence will guide them to me….

  “Anger, the real anger cuts us away from Reality sometimes for months. For years I did not get really angry. But sometimes I make myself angry and look at myself if I am after a thing or not….

  It is beyond the power of the human being to control anger.

  But after the anger, look at it: from where it came, why and how it came, and what it did to you. You might learn many things…. “

  Speaking of the struggle with my mind, I said again that the difference between our two cultures was making it more difficult for me, but he shook his head:

  “No, culture has nothing to do with it; it does not matter. All those thoughts of distrust and doubt are in the atmosphere. Now you will pick them up ten times easier than before. If the mind is vacant, they can crowd in. Keep your mind merged always, either in the Absolute Truth, or in the Great Man of the time, who is the Sat Guru, the Spiritual Guide. When the mind is merged, nothing can come in, nothing can disturb it…. “

  “Even when the disturbance comes, it is less than before.”

  “Yes, it is quite true. But if this lesser disturbance comes after a long time, it has great power and would disturb much. Don’t let it come in at all. Prayer, meditation, and the remembrance of the Name are the only things worthwhile doing in this world, because you will not stay here forever. In the night pray.Pray much. And on the roof walk up and down repeating the Name. This is the idea…. “

  Speaking of the necessity of having faith in homeopathic medicine, in order that it should help, he said: “Yes, faith is needed for everything if you want to be benefitted by it. One does not need to surrender oneself completely before every doctor, but if you have not a certain faith, how will he be able to help you?”

  Reclining leisurely on his tachat, he was discussing Indian food, clothing, the way of life.

  “In England people are chain-smokers and even here many are, and they eat boiled meat. Boiled meat can be useful for some human beings, but it gives out a bad smell. Here it is not so bad because here is so much sunshine. In England there is not enough sunshine; this great power is lacking. Here in India we would be all dead if we did not have this power which cleanses all.”

  I forgot to say that when I prayed at Samadhi, great vibrations began in the heart. When I was doing jap sitting alone in the dark room in the afternoon, very great vibrations suddenly started.

  Something was going on, something was preparing….

  19th April

  WHEN AWAKENING the vibration was still going softly at the base of the spine. Then it became much stronger. Aha! I thought, he is going to grill me again. There was no resentment. I thought the situation over. Going to be difficult in this heat and the kidney trouble. Took bicarbonate of soda last night. This morning the urine was clouded with deposit, and later there was pus, greenish bits of mucous swimming about. Took off the mosquito net and prayed looking to the pale, bluish-grey morning sky. You made me as I am with this powerful thing in my body, I prayed. You must take me out of it! I will tolerate anything for your sake and Guruji knows it, so he will give me the lot….

  When I got up, I noticed that I was under strong vibrations. Well, I am in it… God help me now!

  20th April

  GREAT VIBRATIONS. They went on in the afternoon. He did not even notice me at all. ‘

  72 A Birthday Present

  21st April, 1966

  MRS. SHARMA AND I WISHED EACH OTHER happy birthday this morning.

  We had pokoras in the afternoon about five, waiting endlessly for the cook to make it. And consequently Dolly and I went to Guruji after six. Such a waste of time…. In the evening, sitting on the lawn in the dark, under the tree (all the chairs and the drawing room table are now put on the lawn in the evening, which is very pleasant), Mrs. Sharma told me that she has a big wedding on the 29th, and I must try to find something, because the room and the terraces upstairs are needed.
And I felt very lonely and upset…. Foxes have holes, birds have their nests, but the daughter of man has no place whereon to rest her tired head. I cried in the night looking at the immense sky trembling with the shimmer of stars. I am not welcome anywhere… I am not his disciple… he is not my Guru. What next??

  23rd April

  DOING MY JAP ALL THOSE DAYS. He does not notice me. Not even a little. And last night he had another attack. A terrible one, apparently. He is very breathless and can hardly breathe, and I am deeply worried….

  24th April

  HE BROKE MY HEART THIS MORNING. I was discussing the situation with the Sharmas before going to him. And I went there by car; the driver was given orders to bring the message about Guruji’s condition. He was already sitting on the charpoy in the garden looking frail and very pale, dressed all in white. He talked to the driver himself. When the driver had left, I said:

  “You know, Mr. Sharma also thinks that it is cardiac asthma.” (I told him yesterday that I was sure that the breathlessness comes from the heart.) “And if you don’t see the heart specialist and don’t do something about it, it will carry you away in less than one year!”

  He who was standing in front of me suddenly gave out a laughter which sounded almost cruel:

  “He is right!” He turned away to go inside, then stopped for a moment before going into the doorway passage.

  “He is quite, quite right!” He emphasized the words, laughed this strange laughter and disappeared inside. I was like stunned, felt cold, was staggered by this statement so brutally thrown at me. Sat down alone. All the chairs were standing in semicircle in front of his empty chair. A cold despair seized me… he intends to go before the year is over…. I will never make it… never…. What can be done in a few months? In Sufism are four initiations; and it takes time to become balanced after that… and I began to cry. It was one of those crises of hopeless crying when I could not stop. Such a terrible despair, of no end…. It was embarrassing to sob like this in front of everybody in the garden. I went inside the room, sat there alone under the fan, and I must have cried till after ten. Stopped out of sheer exhaustion. Then he came in, without taking the slightest notice of me, changed from Kurta and pajama trousers into more comfortable singlet and longhi. Indians have a way of changing in front of everybody, trained by the lack of privacy that is astounding.

  L. told me once that five men came into the room and changed completely without taking the slightest notice of her; and it was done rapidly and discreetly, no exposure whatsoever. Fantastic.

  Suddenly it occurred to me while he was changing, that each time he has to test me, or do something important from the point of view of his Line, he is always dressed in white; now he changed because he will not speak to me, less important work is coming. And in this moment the car came with Sharma and another man. Sharma stayed till half past twelve. I sat there. Did not cry, was too ashamed to do so. Trembling was my heart, with sorrow… and he sat there crosslegged in Sat Guru Asana, talking vivaciously, his eyes sparkling, his sonorous voice, his laughter, ringing in the room…. Gone was his tiredness, his weak look, his breathlessness. He was all alive telling stories, and I wondered from where the Yogis get this boundless energy….

  At lunch Sharma told me that he is disappointed in Santiji; his talk is reduced to anecdotes. As so often, I repeated again that Guruji will never teach anything directly. Those stories and anecdotes ARE the Teaching—one has to understand them. But it was of no use….

  Cried so much in the afternoon lying on my bed, the fan endlessly revolving over my head… it is every day over 42 °C and sometimes more….

  25th April

  AND I CRIED THE GREATEST PART of the night. I will never make it….

  I simply have to accept everything…. It is useless to think why he does this or that. However contradictory it may seem, however wicked or unreasonable it may look, I HAVE TO ACCEPT IT. The time is getting desperately short….

  Went to him in the morning in a very tired condition. The eyes were burning, the body felt like beaten up.

  26th April

  MY JAP IS DISTURBED. Cannot pray. Yes, I have and WILL accept everything. The only trouble will be if he puts the vibration on very strong again. This makes me usually very resentful. What to do? I have to accept this too….

  Mrs. Sharma again told me that I must go. A few days ago I went to Nigam asking him to help me to find something. He promised, told me to give him one week time. I have not much hope.

  When I came, the Hakim Sahib, the Muslim physician, was there at seven a.m. He only touches the pulse and tells all the symptoms and gives an herb medicine. It is apparently the ancient Greek method. He prescribed the medicine, said that there is no enlargement of the liver as all the doctors said until now, and the heart is also all right. But there is a catarrh in the bronchials and with this medicine it will clear up in five-six days. All this Guruji told me laughingly… seemingly very pleased.

  The Muslim is impressive, tall, about the middle forties, dressed in a kurta and tight long pants, the typical Muslim dress; but what is more important, he is clearly a very spiritual man… Nakshmandia Dynasty, as Guruji told me.

  Later, I told Guruji that I noticed that each time he has a duty to perform according to the training, he is dressed all in white.

  “You are quite, quite, right!” he laughed, clearly pleased and amused at the same time.

  Did not want to go in the afternoon yesterday but still went before five. And today too he spoke nothing to me in the afternoon. I sit first under the fan in the dark room, while he, the wife and some others play cards in the next room. Then the place is watered where the chairs are put out by the servant; the gardener who works parttime in the evenings arrives, then he comes out and we all sit outside.

  I never stay longer than 7:30. It is so hot, the body seems to be weeker now than it was when I first was here a few years ago. And to sit and sweat amongst perspiring men, listening to endless talk, seems too much.

  Go home, eat something. The kidney is a little better. Apart from Mrs. Vippin’s homeopathic medicine, I take a tea of Kulti, an Ayurvedic remedy. A kind of Dahl. It is given to horses as fodder. It is to be boiled and the water taken, two glassfuls of it, one in the morning, one in the evening. Makes the urine alkalin. I had the analysis done again. It was not bad. Many germs have been found but no blood and no albumin. Told Guruji about Mrs. Sharma wanting me to go. But he did not even listen. He does not care…. The nights are very hot, but after midnight it is getting cooler. I cry so much. Unwanted. Alone. And if I have to move, I have not even money to do so. One week ago £5 arrived from H. I gave it to Guruji, of course….

  27th April

  IN THE MORNING HE ASKED ME what about my having to leave before the 29th of this month? Told him all about it.

  “You had better go to Nigam Sahib.” But I told him that he will let me know; he asked me to wait for one week.

  In the afternoon I was walking to Bhai Sahib thinking that to walk for half a mile now in the heat four times a day is becoming quite a burden. We have now nearly 43° Celsius in the shade, practically every day, and it will be much more in May. The Loo is blowing hot, the breath of the deserts, and it will push up the temperature even more.

  Suddenly somebody blew the horn repeatedly. If it would happen in London I would look, thinking that some friend passing in his car wants to attract my attention, but here I never thought that it could be for me. The car stopped abruptly right at the curb; out jumped Nigam Sahib. It was so sudden that it made me laugh. He said that his wife succeeded in finding an accommodation for me, and we agreed that I would go to him tomorrow morning at 8:30. Well, I thought, it looks as if I will be out before the 29th after all….

  28th April

  SO I SLEPT FOR THE LAST TIME on the romantic terrace overlooking Moti ]heel. Saw for the last time the dawn, the pale dawn of the hot season. Lately I take the mosquito net away when the sky gets just pale… and watch the sky getting
pale pink. Bats are flitting around, small dancing ones with the jerky flight, black against the sky. At first they are the sole masters of the space, except the great chorus of the croaking crows flying with much noise from the trees in all directions. Then the bats are joined by the black Indian swallows darting swiftly with piercing cries; they sail high, higher than the bats fluttering jerkily.

  So many trees are in flower. The glory of red and scarlet of the Flame of the Forest; many tall trees are around with bunches of rhododendron—like flowers, mauve and pink and yellow. A lovely sight. But the best is the Flame of the Forest, called here the Golden Mohar, deep gold, orange, crimson and scarlet. To see an alley of those trees in full flower is a breathtaking sight…. Many gardens have it too; near Guruji ‘s place is one dominating the view down the street with its large umbrella.

  The birds at dawn are lovely. There is one magnificent fellowbright yellow tummy and chest, jet black wings, and the head is attractively marked in yellow and black. He has the sweetest voice and sings only at dawn… an insect-eater obviously, with a long beak and the size of a blackbird. Several of them used to gather on the tree in the middle of the lawn which just begins to flower in bunches of pink flowers.

  From the terrace one has the impression that all the trees make an effort to flower; so many yellow ones, a few mauve patches here and there; one is deep pink like candles on a Christmas tree.

  Birds of the morning, goodbye…. Jet black ones who don’t sing, with forked tails similar to the astrological sign of Aries, blue-black they are with a metallic sheen. Grey ones, with lovely voices, so many. My friend the woodpecker is mute now. I don’t hear him anymore.

  Goodbye, Moti Jheel. I am glad to go. I hope the room is not too bad where I am going, but it never will be as beautiful as this terrace and this view I am bound to miss.