Teenage Love Affair

by Ni-Ni Simone

  “Yeah, I think I may want to go to Morgan State. It’s far enough from home where I can bounce in peace, but it’s close enough for me to get to my little sister.”

  “Morgan is cool. I thought about Howard.”

  “Awwl, my baby want to be next to me?”

  “I’m on it, Zsa, but not like that.”

  “Did you just diss me?”

  “Did I?” he said, getting up from his seat and sliding next to me. “I wouldn’t diss my baby.” He kissed me.

  “Yeah, right. You’re lucky I think you’re hot.”

  He gave me half a grin. “And what makes me hot?”

  I pressed my forehead against his and sang softly, “’Cause you’re a matter of extreme importance, my first teenage love affair….”

  After dinner, we walked along the shore behind the restaurant. Although it was cold outside, something about the chill in the air and the crisp breeze made it romantic. I walked in front of Malachi with his chest pressed into my back and his arms around my waist. “I wish I could stay here forever,” I said.

  “I bet you do, but we have to get back home, because your country crew is coming.”

  I laughed. “Don’t be talking about my family.”

  “I’m buggin’. Hey,” he said, filled with surprise, “do you know how to ride go-carts?”

  “What, boy, I will tear you up in a go-cart.”

  “Is that a yes or a no?”

  I stepped out of his embrace and turned around to face him. “Is that a challenge?”

  “It could never be a challenge because in go-carts you could never house me.”

  “Okay, well, let’s go somewhere and see.”

  “Bet, we’re going to Ray’s a few minutes from here and when I spank you, don’t get upset.”

  “Yeah, okay, let’s not forget dice.”

  “I let you win.”

  I fell out laughing. “You are such a liar.”

  “Well, do something about it then.” And he took off running. “See, look at you.” He turned around. “I’m Superman, girl, you can’t even catch me.” And he turned back around, giving me a two-finger peace sign over his shoulder.

  I tried to run as softly and as swiftly as I could, and when I got close to him I jumped on his back, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I thought I couldn’t catch you.”

  “Ai’ight.” He laughed as he carried me on his back. “You got me.”

  A few minutes later we were on the highway and shortly after arrived at Ray’s. It was an indoor/outdoor amusement park, and it seemed that everybody and their mother had packed the place. Every game, ride, and everything else you could think of was in this place. Malachi and I immediately walked over to the go-carts.

  My car was hot pink, and of course Mr. Man had to have a black one. “I hope you’re ready for the challenge,” he said.

  “Boy, this chick can handle anything,” I responded.

  “Yeah, that’s what they all say.”

  We each got in our cars and on the count of three we took off. I was in the lead so I shouted at Malachi, “What, you scared? I thought you were going to beat me, huh? What, you don’t have anything to say?”

  “Yeah”—he gave a devilish laugh—“I have something to say.”

  “What?”

  “You lost.” He took off and passed me like a swift wind. I was pissed and couldn’t believe he’d beaten me. We rode the track about three more times and each time he was hard to catch. Whatever, at least I beat him at dice.

  “You cheated,” I said once we were out of the cars.

  “Say whatever you will, just know that Malachi housed you.”

  “I bet you can’t beat me at Pac-Man.”

  “Is that another challenge?”

  “It sure is,” I said as we headed to the arcade section. I held up two tokens. “On me.”

  “You know you cheated, right?” Malachi said once the game was over. “You gave me a defective token.”

  “Yeah, okay.” I laughed.

  We were having a blast, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so free and at ease. Before we knew anything it was two AM and the place was closing.

  “I had so much fun,” I said to Malachi on our drive home.

  “Me too,” he said. “We’ll have to come down here again.”

  “Yeah, we have to.”

  “Happy anniversary, baby,” Malachi said.

  “Yeah.” I held his free hand. “Happy anniversary.”

  By the time we got to my house and I saw my mother’s car parked and the living room light on, I knew I would have some explaining to do. But tonight was worth being grilled about.

  We kissed and afterward I stepped out of the car. As soon as I placed my key in the door and Malachi had taken off I heard George Clinton’s Atomic Dog blasting into the street. I turned around and oh…my…God, Cousin Shake’s crew had arrived. Uncle Easy, the only man in America who still rocked a Jheri curl, was driving his entire family in a tricked-out yellow school bus. Not the short one, but the long one. I swear I was stuck in my spot. All six wheels had gold spinners and hanging around the mirror was five pairs of baby sneakers, one for each of his children. There were crushed red velvet seats, and along with the luggage strapped to the roof were two 72-inch speakers and a turntable. You heard me right. A turntable, not CDs but records.

  “Zeke,” my uncle Easy said, “is that you, Zeke?”

  “No,” I said, “no Zekes live here.” As soon as I said that I felt oil running down the back of my neck.

  “What you lyin’ for?” Cousin Shake walked around me with his supersoaker in his hand.

  “My name is Zsa-Zsa.”

  “That’s what he said,” Cousin Shake growled. “Now get in the house. You have enough explaining to do.”

  “Shake!” Uncle Easy screamed. “Is that you?”

  “Yeah, baby!”

  “Us is here, Shake! Easy Belvadeen Green has entered the building.” And he pulled up that nasty-behind bus, parked right behind Cousin Shake’s hearse and in front of our house.

  Just when I thought life had punished me enough, here came a new chapter.

  13

  We are family…

  —SISTER SLEDGE, “WE ARE FAMILY”

  “Zsa.” Hadiah called my name and shook my hips as I laid in the bed between sleep and wake. “Zsa-Zsa, wake up. It’s an emergency!”

  “What?” I turned over and peeled one eye open. “What emergency?”

  “We’ve been attacked!”

  I sat up and said in a panic, “Attacked? What are you talking about?”

  Hadiah swallowed and wiped her glassy eyes. “All I know is that when I woke up this morning and headed for the bathroom there were a bunch of people in our living room who looked like they hadn’t changed clothes in about ten years. It’s 1999 in the flesh.”

  I frowned and rolled my eyes. “You mean 1989. That’s Uncle Easy and his crew.”

  “Uncle Easy? I don’t remember him or them.”

  “You met them when you were little. They live outside of Atlanta, in Manchester, I think. Anyway, it’s been on and country ever since.”

  “Well”—she twisted her lips—“that explains why they’re having a break dancing contest in our living room.”

  I stood to the floor. “A what?”

  “You heard me. Cousin Shake is spinning on his head.”

  “Oh, no!” I grabbed my housecoat, wrapped the belt around my waist, and hurried into our living room, where it looked as if two old men had reincarnated themselves into a bad mix of Run-DMC, Whoodi, and the Jungle Brothers. LL Cool J’s throwback “Radio” was blasting and for real—true story Hadiah hadn’t lied. Everybody in there was caught in a time warp. Uncle Easy, his wife, Aunt Easter, and their children: Ho-Shay; the triplets, Li’l Boy, Li’l Girl, Li’l Buddy; and the youngest, Big Baby. Oh and Aunt Nona, Uncle Easy’s sister, who was always dressed for a funeral.

  “You can’t touch this!” Cousin Shake shouted as
Ms. Minnie turned him around by his shins so that he could spin on his head, and the faster he spun around the more his wedgie filled the crack of his butt. Uncle Easy was spread out on the floor, looking like Jesus on the cross trying to do the worm, but the only things moving were his ankles and his shoulders. And all of this was going on while Aunt Easter and their children were screaming, “Go Daddy, it’s your birthday!”

  “Now, why y’all got to act like fried monkeys?” Aunt Nona placed her hands on her hips and admonished them. She stood next to my mother, who was obviously in as much shock as we were. Aunt Nona continued, “Jazmyn don’t want this nonsense in her house. You need to getcha old asses off that floor and do something positive with yourselves.”

  Hadiah tapped me on the arm. “What’s a fried monkey?” she whispered.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Y’all just acting like a buncha raggedy cat-lovin’ dogs. I swear!” Aunt Nona carried on. “Mornin’, babies,” she said as she spotted me and Hadiah standing in the doorway. She walked over and gave us a hug and a kiss. “Aunt Nona missed y’all. I’ma make sure we spend some time together while we’re here. I have a few funerals I need to attend but after that, we gon’ have us a good time.”

  Cousin Shake, who was no longer spinning on his head but was now walking tilted to the side, said, “Nona, er’body that you know is already dead and buried. So don’t start with your mental illness.”

  “You mentally ill, Shake-a-Dean.” She placed her hands on her hips.

  “Who died, Nona?” he pressed.

  “Johnny Vasquez.”

  “Who the hell is that?” Uncle Easy frowned. “He sound like he lives in Mexico. Don’t tell me, Nona, you been messing around in Mexico? Are you the real cause of the swine flu? Went down there and ate like a pig, passed gas, and now you done infected everybody.”

  “Shut up, Easy! Johnny was a good friend of mine!” Aunt Nona wiggled her neck as she spoke.

  “Stop lyin’,” Uncle Easy said. “I think you get your freak off by looking at dead bodies.”

  “And how you get your freak off?!” Aunt Nona squinted her eyes. “By running through the park naked?”

  “That ain’t right,” Ho-Shay said. “You shouldn’t have said that, Aunt Nona.”

  “And your mama and daddy shouldn’t have named you Ho-Shay. Now stay your child’s place!”

  “Don’t be cussin’ in front of these kids!” Cousin Shake said.

  “If they living with you they have heard a lot worse than that.”

  “Okay, everyone,” my mother interjected, “we are here to have a good time and enjoy ourselves, not argue and fall out with one another.”

  “Yeah, you’re right,” Cousin Shake agreed. “I’m glad to see y’all.”

  “And we glad to see you too, Shake.” Aunt Nona hugged him.

  “Yeah, I missed ya, Shake.” Uncle Easy smiled, showing off his mouth full of gold and diamond-encrusted teeth.

  “Easy,” Cousin Shake said, “remember you used to try to rap and would sound a hot mess?”

  “What?” Uncle Easy gave Cousin Shake a nasty look. “Are you challenging me, Shake?”

  “Can’t be a challenge,” Cousin Shake said, “’cause when it comes to rappin’ you can’t touch me.”

  “I will bury you.”

  “You gon’ have to, ’cause when I get through with you, Nona gon’ be goin’ to your funeral.”

  “Leave me out of it,” Aunt Nona snapped.

  “Ai’ight, Shake.” Uncle Easy waved his hands in the air. “Let’s drop the science one time.”

  “Word to your mother-son, cousin, we can do this.” Cousin Shake started doing a profile of jailhouse poses.

  “Okay, okay,” Uncle Easy started to rap, “they call me Mike and Ike ’cause I get down on the mic and I can ride a bike, and I can drop it cold…on a stove…and the ladies call me Low-Low, hooo!”

  “You killed that, Easy,” Aunt Easter said. “You straight broke that rhyme all the way down.”

  “Yeah, you got that off, Daddy!” Ho-Shay clapped.

  “Oh, it’s like that?” Cousin Shake said.

  “Sock it to ’em, Shake,” Ms. Minnie said. “Drop it down on ’em!”

  “Ai’ight, ai’ight.” Cousin Shake started moving his shoulders. “They call me Hot Tamale, ’cause I’m so jolly, and I got a wife named Minnie who got plenty of love, like a dove. We got a lot of oil which we will put right on your neck, and have you soak and wet. Hey’yay!”

  “Oh, my Father.” Aunt Nona held her chest. “I feel violated.”

  “Ai’ight, Shake,” Uncle Easy said, “you got that off.”

  Cousin Shake nodded. “Yeah, well, hey, but don’t sweat me now. You on the come up yourself, Easy. Maybe we should put our group back together.”

  “You had a group, Daddy?” Ho-Shay asked.

  “Yup.”

  “What was it called?”

  “Over Fifty-five Percent,” Uncle Easy said with confidence.

  “Those were the days,” Cousin Shake said. “Now, Easy, come on so we can go outside and you can show me what’s going on with that tricked-out school bus. Man, that thing is fly.”

  “Shake, you got to see it. The top drops down and er’thang. We got a pool in it, black carpet on the floor, and red bulbs in the ceiling.”

  “That ain’t nothin’, man,” Cousin Shake said as they walked toward the front door. “I got leopard seats.”

  “I bet you don’t have no hydraulics.”

  “I betchu I do.”

  “I betchu it don’t bump like mine, though,” Uncle Easy insisted.

  “I betchu it don’t either.” Cousin Shake twisted his lips. “I betchu it bump better.”

  “Ain’t nothin’ but a word, Shake,” Uncle Easy said, twirling his keys around his fingers. “We can handle this right now. Race down the street, pop a couple of wheelies and what?”

  “Let’s do this, then.”

  “Let’s.”

  They walked out the door, and the next thing I knew they were taking off down the street and their hydraulics had the block sounding as if the entire world had had an accident.

  “They will never change,” my mother said as she and my two aunties went into the kitchen, which left me and Hadiah all by ourselves staring at our cousins, who looked fifty years older than we were. “So, Ho-Shay,” I said, “wassup with you? Do you graduate from high school this year?”

  “Yop, sho’ly do and it’s a good thang too,” Ho-Shay said with a southern twang, “’cause there’s no way I could see myself turning twenty-two and still be in high school.”

  I’m speechless.

  “So when y’all leaving?” Hadiah asked Li’l Buddy.

  He hunched his shoulders and started talking baby gibberish.

  “Okay,” Hadiah said, “who else is confused?”

  “The triplets don’t talk that much,” Ho-Shay said. “They just three years old.”

  “They look ten!” Hadiah screamed. “Are they drinking horse’s milk?”

  “Would you shut up?” I gave her the evil eye.

  “You know they look strange. Hands and feet bigger than mine.” Hadiah hunched her shoulders as the doorbell rang.

  “Don’t say another word,” I said as I walked over to the door and opened it.

  “Zsa-Zsa!” my cousin Seven screamed from the porch. I couldn’t believe it, it was Seven; my aunty Grier, Seven’s mother; Toi, Seven’s twin; Man-Man, their brother; and two-year-old Noah, Toi’s son. I picked Noah up and started dancing around with him. “Oh, my God! I’m so happy to see you!”

  “What’s cracka-lackin’, Hadiah?” Man-Man walked into the living room and gave her a high five. “We missed y’all.”

  “Aunty Grier, did my mother know that you were coming?” I asked.

  “No, she didn’t.”

  “Zsa.” My mother walked into the living room. “Who was that—” She stopped herself midsentence when she saw her sister, her nieces, and nephews
. “Grier!” Tears filled her eyes. “Oh, I’m so happy to see you. I missed you so much!”

  “I missed you too. I told Khalil that I really wanted to see my sister and my favorite nieces.”

  “Khalil?” My mother blushed. “And what does Khalil have to do with this?”

  Aunty Grier held out her left hand and her index finger rocked a diamond wedding band.

  “Where is he?” My mother ran to the door.

  “He couldn’t come. He had to work.”

  “I can’t believe you two,” my mother carried on.

  “It was nothing big,” Aunty Grier said, “just something small with the kids. I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Well, we have some catching up to do,” my mother said.

  Aunty Grier smiled and said, “We certainly do. How’s Kenneth?”

  I looked at my mother as if she had lost her mind. Even my aunt from Georgia knew about this man?

  “Not now, Grier,” my mother said, taking Aunty Grier by the hand and leading her into the kitchen.

  “Not ever,” I mumbled, as I turned to my cousins. “Come in my room so we can kick it for a minute.”

  “Ho-Shay,” Seven said to her, “where are you going? Don’t you want to go in the room with us?”

  “Heck, nawl! And Li’l Boy, Li’l Girl, Li’l Buddy, and Big Baby aren’t going, either.” She placed her hands on her hips.

  “Why not?” I frowned.

  “’Cause everybody in the family know y’all too grown. And anyway, we will not be getting in trouble kickin’ it in the house. Suppose something breaks?”

  We all stood silent for a moment and then I said, “You know what? I get it now. You’re right, Ho-Shay. Let’s go.” I waved at my cousins, as Uncle Easy’s clan marched into the kitchen. “Forgive us for asking.”

  “Come on, Man-Man,” Hadiah said. “Let’s play the Wii game.”

  Noah ran over to Man-Man and said, “Me go too.” Man-Man picked him up and they walked into Hadiah’s room.

  “Okay,” I said as we sat on my bed. “Wassup with Harlem and Josiah? And don’t spare the details.”

  Seven blushed. “Josiah’s still playing ball. He’s thinking about entering the draft.”

  “Really? So wassup with that?” I asked her. “Him being away so much, is that cool with you?”