The Wonderous Dating Game

by J. M. Mason

  “I looked him in the eye and told him if he wanted his favorite carrot cake to have his ex-wife cook it for him from now on. I left the room and didn’t talk to him for the rest of the night. He never did get another carrot cake from me, not even one that was a boxed mix.

  “On New Year’s Eve, that year, we went to have dinner with his kids at his ex-wife’s house. She baked his favorite cake and made a point of telling him she’d made his beloved cake.

  “I asked her for her recipe and got it just to see why hers was better than mine. The witch used baby food carrots instead of doing all I did to make the cake, and to top it off, she used a spice cake mix instead of making the cake batter from scratch, like I did,” I said, my aggravation growing as I retold the story.

  “Why do men have to be such jerks when it comes to their food?” Jenny asked.

  We sat and sipped the tea we were drinking. It was nearing the time when we would close the office and go home.

  “I was writing to a man on the dating site who said he lives in a town that I know no longer exists,” Jodie said. “It’s a ghost town with one old building that is falling from neglect.

  “When I confronted him about the lie, he said he was from India and wanted to bring his kids to America to get a better life and hoped I would take pity on him and send him money to buy his tickets to come to America.

  “I pulled my account from the dating service that day. If some of these people aren’t in America, then I don’t want to get to know them. Long-distance dating isn’t good when the distance is only one or two hundred or so miles away.”

  “I think it’s a plot to keep us single, and all the men our age get to have all the young blood,” Jenny said. “The irony of this tale is that most of the men can’t get it up enough to make the young one happy, so they buy a fancy sports car to compensate for not being able always to make whoopee, then their young thing wrecks the car and leaves him high and dry.”

  “If it weren’t so sad,” I said. “It would be hilarious. It feels like a losing battle being waged by both sides. Men are looking for love in all the wrong places, often pushing out the true love to find the new one.

  “Women are also looking for love in all the incorrect places and have lost interest in the ones which they used to love. Rearing kids gets in the way of a sex life, which is normal, and they begin to hate their bodies that are sagging in all the important places making them feel more unloved. When they are suddenly traded in for a younger model, their thoughts of not being good enough are validated.”

  We sat silently thinking about things, waiting for the end of the day so we could go home.

  “Jenny,” I said. “When you went with us dancing and stuff, were you looking for a man to go home with?”

  “No,” Jenny answered with a smile. “I just wanted to get you out of your house and into the public before you become an old maid with a dozen cats. I was concerned for your mental and emotional health because you were acting like you were becoming depressed.”

  “Oh. That’s so sweet. Even though it has been a roller coaster ride, I’m happy you helped me at least get out and air myself out.” I took her hand, then said, “Change of subject time, let’s go out and have a burger and fries. We deserve to do something wild.”

  “Getting a burger and fries sounds wild to you?” Jenny asked. “You are hard up. I still say you need to get laid.”

  “Very funny.” I grinned. “You can add malt and it would be wild, if that isn’t wild enough, I still have my G-string and pasties.”

  “Let’s go to a place that doesn’t keep their burgers in a heating oven for hours,” Jodie said. “We need to go to the Rockin’ Burger out on the highway.”

  “Sounds good to me,” Jenny said. “I can’t wait until John gets home. I have one more week to wait. Then you won’t see me for a while on the weekends.” Her broad grin stretched her mouth.

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  “John’s coming home Wednesday, Jenny said. “I’m so excited that he’s finally coming home. Too bad I just got back from my vacation, or I’d take a couple of days off so we can get reacquainted. He has an unusual request, though, that is confusing me. He wants to go to dinner Friday night.”

  “That doesn’t sound so unusual to me, now I’m confused,” I said.

  “Me too,” said Jodie and Dr. Johnson.

  “Dang it, Stella, if you’d let me finish, no one but me would be confused.”

  Everyone laughed because we finally got one over on Jenny before she made things clear. We took our moments when we had the opportunity to keep up with Jenny.

  “Laugh, why don’t you,” Jenny said with a pout that cleared away as she continued, “What I tried to say, John wants to go to the Steak House to have dinner. What confused me was the fact, Stella, he wants you to come to dinner with us. When I asked him why he wants you along since he just got home, he said it was a surprise for you.

  “That statement nearly got him in deep trouble. He did say that he doesn’t have a thing for you. However, he feels the need to surprise you and not me.”

  My eyes opened wide and my mouth fell open. Now I was surprised and confused.

  “Why me?” I asked. “What did I do to deserve a surprise? Doesn’t he remember what I did to his friend the last time I went out with the two of you? Oh, right, I remember I gave him a big surprise when I met his best friend, Zac, by turning him on in public.

  “Oh, oh, no! He can’t have a friend he wants me to impress after I meet him, then he expects me to make him happy, can he? I don’t think I could do that again, even if I tried.”

  “He does have someone he wants you to meet,” Jenny said. “I’m sure of it. He loves springing, what he thinks as surprises on people. How about it, you don’t want to disappoint him do you and ruin his surprise?”

  “Disappoint whom, John or another one of his friends who can’t get their own date either?” I asked.

  “Who knows,” Jenny said. “John didn’t fill me in on his surprise, then it wouldn’t be a surprise, he wouldn’t be so happy, and I wouldn’t be so confused.”

  “Jenny, don’t you remember what I did the last time I went to supper with you?” I asked. “I don’t think the restaurant will want me to come back. How can I face the people who work there?”

  “We remember what you did,” said Jodie with a smug grin.

  Carolyn nodded her head and chuckled. Heat spread up my face. Why do people remember all the bad parts of their friend’s embarrassing moments?

  “Stella, you know better than that,” Jenny said. “I don’t think they even remember what you look like. It’s been months since we went there to eat, well when we went there to eat, it was so busy, we had our dinner in the lounge. No one remembered you that night.”

  Seeing the consternation on my face, Jenny added, “Come on. We’ve been through a lot of nights out on the town, and you know you can trust me and my judgment. “And right now, I think you’ll be glad you came with me to dinner. This may be the right time and the right place to meet Mr. Wonderful.”

  “Can I let you know Wednesday?” I asked. “Today is only Monday. I have time to think about this.”

  “I’ll remind you every day to help make up your mind about the blind date, well at least you’ll have dinner. I’m just assuming you have a blind date.”

  “OK, OK, don’t be so darned pushy,” I said. “We work in the same office, so I’ll let you know Friday.”

  “Wednesday, as you promised.” Jenny smirked. “You’ll let me know about Friday on Wednesday.”

  I began to laugh. “OK, I’ll let you know Wednesday.” I finally made Jenny exasperated all by myself. It’s a great feeling to know I can rock her boat like she does mine all the time, even though it’s just a tiny shake.

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Jenny was true to her words, she asked me twice a day if I’d made up my mind about making John happy. I kept her in suspense because I could. I couldn’t find a good excuse to refuse Jo
hn’s request and I agreed to be there for his surprise; I felt I owed him for embarrassing his friend.

  When Jenny walked into the office at nine Wednesday morning, I greeted her with a frown on my face and pretended not to want to hear her ask me what I was going to do about Friday night. She returned the frown, as her eyes narrowed, she watched me prepare my things for the workday.

  As I sat down at my desk, I loudly cleared my throat, coughed into my hand, and slowly rotated my chair toward her desk. She watched me as my chair spun into place.

  “I’ll go with you all to dinner on Friday night. I want to go on record that I won’t be as stimulating as I was the last time, if John’s surprise needs to be invigorated, then he will have to do it on his own.

  “These are my stipulations for the date. Jenny, you’ll pick me up at my place so that you and I arrive at the Steak House thirty minutes early to get everything set up, so I don’t have a repeat of the last time.

  “We won’t order a bottle of dark red wine so that I can order a glass of Chardonnay instead of Merlot. If I spill it, it won’t look like a bloody massacre happened at our table.

  “I want to make sure our waiter knows to put the loaves of bread on the board in front of me, so I can be responsible for cutting everyone a slice.

  “Right now, I can’t think of anything else I can do to prevent myself from making a complete fool of myself. Jenny, please, if you can help, I’d appreciate it. I know my mishap was funny for you all, and that is great, but I don’t think that a fiasco like what happened should happen more than once in life.”

  To my surprise, Jenny burst into laughter. My eyes widened as the sting of tears formed behind my lids and threatened to spill down my face. I wildly blinked, swiveled my chair back around to face my desk. I couldn’t allow anyone to see how I was affected by the prospect of another blind date.

  I felt a warm touch on my shoulder, and I looked up into Jenny’s face. She looked like she was about to cry, too.

  “Stella, I’m so sorry,” Jenny said. “I didn’t know how badly the incident affected you. I’ll be happy to help you make this date one to remember other than with embarrassment. I’ll do as you ask. I’m sure John will understand. He’s such a good guy and feels other’s pain deeply. So, let’s get on with the job before the others get here.”

  I got up to go to the bathroom to splash cool water on my face, as I turned to Jenny, my brows furrowed.

  “Do you think this is overkill? I think I’m paranoid, yet, my track record gives me the evidence I need to do more to fix my jinxed life.”

  Jenny came to me and put her arms around my shoulders. I did everything I could to not shed the tears that always seemed to be behind my eyes in recent weeks, just waiting for an excuse to run like a flash flood in the deserts of Utah, loudly running down the ravine, uprooting trees and sagebrush to get to the flat areas, destroying everything in its path, making its presence visible for everyone to see.

  “I don’t think you’re paranoid at all,” Jenny consoled. “You’re just wanting and working too hard to make a good impression, not understanding that the fact you exist is reason enough to meet you. You’re one of the funniest people I know. You find the good in most everything and can laugh at yourself.

  “The night you aroused Zac made me laugh, not because I was making fun of you. I was amazed you were so focused on making things right, not knowing that you were doing more than was required of anyone. There’s no reason for you to feel embarrassment; all you seemed to see was the need to make your fault in the situation better.

  “John and I discussed you at length when we left Zac off at his hotel room. We both agreed we would have run screaming from the restaurant to get away from all the eyes and laughter. We couldn’t have stayed, carried on a conversation, and ate our meal without choking because of the mortification we would’ve felt. We’re so proud of you, and unless I miss my guess, so was Zac.”

  Laughter bubbled up from the pit of my stomach and burst out. The laughter affected Jenny. When Jodie and Dr. Johnson walked into the office, they were confused. They saw Jenny still holding onto my shoulders. We were laughing so hard tears flowed down our cheeks. No one guessed the tears began before the laughter. It didn’t matter; joy and sadness often walk hand in hand.

  “What’s going on here that’s so funny?” Dr. Johnson asked.

  Jenny let go of my shoulders and stepped back to answer. However, the laughter bubbled out again, and her speech disappeared. I couldn’t stop the mirth long enough to form a coherent answer.

  Like most glee, it infects others. Dr. Johnson and Jodie began to laugh until Jenny stopped long enough to form a few words.

  “I don’t know why Stella began to laugh. She laughed, and before I knew it, I was laughing, and now we are all laughing,” Jenny said.

  I managed to stifle my laughter, wiped my eyes, sat down in my chair to keep from sinking to the floor, my knees became so weak, I feared they wouldn’t hold me up.

  “We were discussing our dinner date for another blind date for me Friday night. I’m a wee bit apprehensive about making a fool of myself again, as you all should understand.”

  “That isn’t funny and doesn’t explain why you two were laughing so hard, and you were shedding tears,” Dr. Johnson said.

  “I’ll try to explain. Hopefully, I won’t laugh again until I’m finished. You all know my mind doesn’t work like your minds work.”

  “Yeah, we know you take things as stated and all that. Go on,” Dr. Johnson said.

  “Jenny told me how proud she was of me for how I handled the unfortunate date with Zac,” I explained. “My mind went to what I’d done and thought how ludicrous it was to be proud of someone for arousing a man to the point of an erection in a public place, and I couldn’t help it, the laughter just began to bubble and bubble until it came out of my mouth.

  “Then Jenny joined in, not knowing why I was laughing, the rest just happened.”

  Suddenly the bells above the door jingled merrily as our laughter began again. We turned toward the door to see a pregnant woman stand with wide eyes, a smile formed, and she giggled, she was infected with the silly bug, too.

  We gained control of the laughter when we heard the second tinkle of the bells as she closed the door behind her. The bell chimed again as the office nurse entered for the workday, she was surprised to be welcomed to work by four smiling faces turned toward the door.

  It was one of the best days at work that continued to the end of the week. I guess we should begin each work week with a little humor at our own expense. It’s a small price to pay for a great work week.

  Pride in someone else comes in various packages. At times, it may not be the prettiest of gifts. However, we should learn to share our pride in others, who knows it may be the one straw to be taken from the back of the camel before the last straw breaks the camel’s back.

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  The end of the workweek came quickly, payday Friday is one of our favorite days, which is the time that we all rejoiced because we were able to leave work early. With our paychecks in hand, we filed out of the office into the parking lot. Jodie had a date and was anxious to get to the beauty shop to have her highlights touched up, so she could look her best.

  “Did I tell you what time I’d be at your place to pick you up tonight?” Jenny asked.

  “No, and I didn’t think to ask. What time will we need to leave to get everything prepared before the guys arrive?”

  “I think if I get to your house at about six-fifteen, it’ll give us plenty of time to prepare a booby trap proof table,” Jenny said. “Stella, stop worrying so much. Things will be perfect this time. Please trust me.”

  “I know,” I said. “I’m just trying to protect others from me. I don’t know why everything silly seems to happen around me. This has been an issue all my life, I feel I was a Jester in a former life. I appreciate your willingness to help me with this. Maybe, we’ll laugh at this later. At least, we’ll
have something exciting to tell our granddaughters.”

  “Stop being so tough on yourself and let someone else have a turn,” Jenny said. “Oh, I remember you said you don’t share well, but girl, there are times to let go and go with the flow, this is one of them.”

  “OK, I’ll do my best, I’ll be ready to go and meet you in the parking lot in front of my apartment building, so you won’t have to find a place to park. Just call me when you leave your house, so I know to not stand outside looking like I’m looking for a good time longer than needed.”

  “I promise not to have you walking around the street looking for a car to approach for a roll in the hay with a stranger.” Jenny laughed as we went our separate ways.

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  I didn’t fuss as much with my appearance as I did the first night Jenny had a blind date for me. I didn’t think I needed to make such a great impression, because the more I tried to make things work out for the best, the worst things became. Maybe, the adage, KISS, is the perfect way to make things go smoothly in life, no matter the circumstances.

  Through the months of dating, I realized that I’m not one-hundred percent responsible for making a date have positive outcomes. The man has his share of the responsibility, too. Just like a marriage doesn’t succeed or fail because of one incident or one of the players in the relationship. We all drop the ball one time or another, sometimes one grows out of the relationship through no fault of anyone.

  Just because people like me fumble the ball in the dark more often than others, doesn’t mean the responsibility is all ours. Give us a break, we bring you a lot to laugh about, so you don’t have to laugh at yourself so much when you do silly things no one ever gets to see. People like me do our thing in the presence of others.