As Good as New

by Jennifer Dawson

  Evan went and sat down in the overly large club chair, remembering the night she’d come to him. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. It had taken a good hour of pensive brooding before he’d finally determined he was going to have to talk to someone, because he was making a mess of it on his own.

  James, his logical, sensible, levelheaded brother, whose significant other already knew, was really the only choice.

  Evan just didn’t know where to start.

  James put two glasses on the coffee table and sat down on the couch and poured the whiskey into the glasses. “You can start fresh.”

  Evan drained the rest of his current beverage, set it on the table, and picked up the other. “Thanks. Was Gracie mad I dragged you out of bed?”

  James settled back in the couch, his head tilting as he took a sip. “No. Actually, she said the oddest thing.”

  “What was that?” Evan had some clue; after all, Gracie probably assumed he’d be busy for the rest of the night.

  James pinned him with a stare, his gaze thoughtful behind his wire-rimmed glasses. “She said ‘well, that’s not good, you’d better go.’ She didn’t ask me any questions. Which isn’t like her. It was almost like she already knew why you were calling.”

  Here was his opening. He’d never told a soul and the words stuck in his throat. Even when his dad had confronted him, he’d kept quiet and let him do all the talking. During that last conversation, he hadn’t confirmed or denied, he’d just sat there in complete silence. When his dad stopped talking, Evan had gotten up and left.

  He had no idea how to start or how to explain his messed-up emotions. Emotions he barely understood and didn’t want to discuss, but keeping it all in was no longer an option. He’d have to figure it out as he went along. Grip tight on his glass, he said, “That’s because she kind of does.”

  James nodded, but didn’t look surprised. “And what does she already know?”

  Evan peered past his brother and took a drink, shaking his head. “I don’t know where to start.”

  “The beginning’s a good place.”

  He exhaled and looked back at James, who studied him with the most curious expression.

  Evan took another deep breath and dove in. Not quite at the beginning, but with the truth. “Well, here’s the thing. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Penelope and have been since I was seventeen years old.”

  James blinked, then straightened. He opened his mouth. Closed it. Shook his head. “Wait, what did you say?”

  Just the act of admitting it, saying it out loud, made his head clear, so he said it again, his voice stronger now. “Our sister’s best friend—you know, Penelope.”

  James put his drink on the coffee table. “I know who Penelope is.”

  Evan took another sip. “I’m not sure, because I’m not an expert or anything, but I think I’m in love with her.”

  To his surprise, some of the tightness in his chest eased.

  Maybe this is why people talked about their feelings?

  James cleared his throat and sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees and lacing his fingers. His standard thinking position. “I see. And does she have any idea?”

  “Probably not.” Evan thought of the look on her face when he’d been telling her about his last sexual escapade; it was the same look she’d given him the night of Shane and Cecilia’s wedding. Disgusted disappointment. “Definitely not. I honestly don’t know what she thinks.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m surprised and kind of confused. Have you ever tried to talk to her? Have you guys ever had a conversation? Like alone?” James shook his head again, as though trying to puzzle it all out. “Wait. I guess you were alone in the backyard. And now that I think back, you did seem eager to take her home. Did you try and talk to her tonight? I have to be honest, I had no idea you even knew she was alive. So you can’t blame me for being shocked. You do know Shane is going to kill you if he ever finds out.”

  That his oldest brother was the least of his worries spoke volumes. Evan drained the rest of his glass. “Yeah, I know.”

  James poured him another. “He’s fiercely protective of Penelope.”

  And he’d never consider Evan good enough for her. “I’m aware of his feelings for her.”

  “So you’ve got to think long and hard about approaching her about a potential relationship. You really need to weigh the pros and cons before you discuss anything further with her.”

  Evan couldn’t help but laugh. “You don’t understand. I’ve touched her more times than I can count.”

  James stared at him blankly. “What?”

  “I was her first . . . well, everything. Her first kiss. Her first orgasm. I took her virginity.”

  “Penelope?” James asked, his voice full of surprise. “Our Penelope? The one we’ve known since she was six? Best friends with Maddie? Works for our brother? Carries an iPad around with her and likes spreadsheets? That Penelope?”

  Evan raised a brow. “I thought you said you knew who she was.”

  “I’m just making sure we are, in fact, talking about the same person.”

  “I can assure you, we are.”

  “And nobody knows? It’s been a secret between you for over fifteen years?”

  “Yes. Well, not quite. Gracie guessed.” Evan took a deep breath and gulped down some more whiskey.

  James’s brow furrowed. “How did Gracie find out?”

  Evan shrugged. “I don’t know, at dinner that night she figured it out. I suppose Penelope and I looked at each other a certain way.”

  James’s brow furrowed. “I didn’t notice anything.”

  “I think everyone else is too close, and you grew up around us. I think the tension fades into the background. And we’ve had a lot of practice hiding it.”

  James scrubbed a hand over his face. “Okay, let’s start again from the beginning.”

  And Evan did. He told James everything, starting with the first night, the night their dad died, the morning after. He didn’t stop talking until he finished every awful detail of this evening’s fiasco.

  When he finally fell silent James sat back, a rather stunned expression on his face. “Yes, I can see why this is complicated.”

  Evan dragged a hand through his hair. “Every time I talk to her, I just end up making it worse.”

  James narrowed his gaze, and Evan could practically see the wheels spinning in his head. “Since Gracie, I’ve learned something about women, namely that they don’t think the way we do.”

  Evan let out a scornful sound. “Tell me something I don’t know, Jimmy.”

  James held out his hand. “No, wait, hear me out. I’ve learned they read into things we say, and assign a certain type of female logic to our statements. So when we say and mean X, a woman will hear X, but think we mean A, B, C, D, E, F, G, and so on. Do you see what I’m saying?”

  Evan shook his head. “I don’t have a fucking clue.”

  “Exactly,” James said, as though that explained everything.

  “I’m lost.”

  James rubbed his jaw, his brow furrowed in concentration. “Well, it’s something she said there at the end, before you walked out, that’s niggling at me.”

  “I asked her if she wanted me to go and she didn’t respond.”

  James nodded. “Yes, well that was your first mistake, but that’s not what I mean. I’m talking about right before that. What did you say she said again? The exact words.”

  Evan didn’t know where he was going, but trudged on, as he had no concrete idea on how to fix the mess he’d made. “She said she was always the one that had to come to me.”

  “And then what?”

  “I said I was sorry. And when she didn’t speak I asked her if she wanted me to leave, and she still said nothing. So I assumed that was a yes and left.”

  James snapped, his expression clearing with some sort of comprehension that eluded Evan. “That’s it.”

  Evan leaned forward, hopeful in spite of the fact that
they were two guys trying to figure out the inner workings of a female mind. “What’s it?”

  “I’m not one hundred percent sure, but here’s my guess. She tells you that she always has to be the one who makes the first move. You ask her if she wants you to leave, and when she doesn’t answer you take that at face value. You took her silence literally.”

  “Why wouldn’t I? Repeating the same thing over and over again doesn’t change what happened.”

  James’s expression turned animated, caught up in the excitement of his hypothesis. “See, Penelope’s a woman, and a woman’s words always have a double meaning. Her always having to come to you is like a code, and based on the rest of your discussion I’m betting the underlying meaning is that she believes you never fight for her. And being a woman, she naturally assumes that you don’t fight for her because you don’t care, and not because you’re an insecure idiot about her. And what did you go and do?”

  He’d left. Evan felt like he’d been punched in the gut as the understanding resonated deep within him. The worst possible thing he could have ever done. He blew out a hard breath. “Fuck. I think you’re right.”

  A smile quirked at his brother’s mouth. “Gracie continues to pay off.”

  Evan would laugh if he didn’t feel like he’d been drop-kicked. “Now what do I do?”

  James gave him a direct, level-eyed stare, his expression turning sober. “You need to think about this, Evan. Penelope’s part of our family. She’s not ever going away. She’s one of us.”

  “I know that.”

  “Are you sure this isn’t about the conquest? Giving you purpose without football?”

  Evan scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “If it was about that, I’d never have called you.”

  James nodded. “You have to understand the repercussions of this. Not only does Maddie think of Penelope as a sister, but there’s Shane.”

  Shane. The thought of his oldest brother and their already strained relationship made his stomach knot.

  “You’ve always lived your own life, spent more time away than the rest of us, so I’m not sure you understand the nature of Shane and Penelope’s relationship,” James continued, laying out all the logical, practical obstacles in Evan’s way, everything he’d been avoiding while he focused on his desire for her.

  Evan clenched his teeth. “I know how close they are.”

  James shook his head. “They are more than close; when it comes to his business, Penelope is the one person he can’t live without. What if things go wrong and she decides to disentangle herself from us? From Shane?”

  “She’d never leave Shane because of me.”

  “I don’t know. I’m merely pointing out the potential consequences. You need to think it through instead of rashly acting.” James sat back on the couch and sighed. “Because if you damage her relationship with Maddie or Shane, it’s going to be a big deal. It’s not going to be something you can just smooth over.”

  The words cut right through him, because James was right. If this came to light, and he messed up, his brother and sister would never forgive him. They’d choose Penelope.

  That conversation with his dad, so long ago, the last real conversation they’d had, flashed in his mind.

  He swallowed past the tightness in his throat. He didn’t want to hurt her anymore. He wanted her to be happy. “So you think I should walk away?”

  “Is that what you want?” James asked, his voice deadly serious.

  Evan gave him the unvarnished truth, and even though he’d already admitted the words, the emotions strangled him. “All this time, all those other women, and none of them ever even came close to her. I can’t walk away, not this time.”

  James nodded, his expression softening. “Then you’ll need to fight for her.”

  “I know.”

  “And you understand, you can’t do that and continue to keep her a secret?”

  He knew what James was really saying. There would be hell to pay. Fighting for her, their relationship coming to light, would force Evan to deal with the past and his fears about himself and his future. And the truth was, she might never forgive him enough to have a real shot with her, but he couldn’t let her believe she wasn’t worth fighting for.

  He looked unflinching into James’s probing gaze. “She’s worth it.”

  James nodded. “She is.”

  Evan was so grateful he’d finally let go of his own stupid ego and talked to his brother, because it wouldn’t be easy, but at least he understood. He had a plan. He cleared the emotion from his throat. “Thank you.”

  “That’s what brothers are for.” James flashed a grin before his expression turned serious again. “I do have one piece of advice.”

  “I’ll take whatever you can give me.” Evan had to resist the urge to grab his jacket and go to her right now, tonight. But instinct warned him to be patient. To plan and figure out his next move instead of just letting her fall into his lap all the time.

  “If you’re going to go for it, go for it. Hold nothing back,” James said.

  “I won’t.” And he meant it. She was his. And he would not rest until he proved it to her.

  Chapter Fourteen

  In the end, Penelope couldn’t wear the red dress. Instead, she settled on a strapless white number with a flared skirt and a wide black belt that tied in a bow. Which turned out to be a perfect complement to Logan’s white dress shirt and black pants.

  They matched. They looked good together, like a couple. She hadn’t missed the wistful glances she’d received from some of the women when they walked into the benefit, located downtown overlooking the lakefront, and she found herself wishing it were true. Being with Logan would be so easy, only there was that pesky little attraction problem and the knowledge her heart belonged to another man.

  One more example of life’s twisted sense of humor.

  Unable to keep from searching for Evan, she glanced around for perhaps the hundredth time, but he still hadn’t made an appearance, even though the benefit was in full swing.

  Despite his claims of celibacy, she fully expected him to show up with some fashion plate on his arm. Evan rarely went to any event alone, and she doubted tonight would be an exception.

  She took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled. Eventually, with enough time, her heart would harden and she’d go back to that place she’d been before she’d made the stupid decision to go to his condo. Back to normal. She could handle that.

  Her best course of action was to accept responsibility in this current situation and stop engaging him. She’d done it before, she could do it again.

  Logan jostled her elbow. “Hey, are you okay?”

  She shook her head to clear it of Evan and realized she scowled, so she flashed him her most dazzling smile. “Of course, everything’s great.”

  Concentrate on what matters, Penelope. She needed to stop pining and be grateful Logan was here and she wouldn’t be forced to endure Evan and some model alone.

  “You seem very distracted,” Logan said, studying her with that intense scrutiny he had.

  Penelope waved a hand and attempted a laugh, but it came out shaky and uncertain. She cleared her throat. “Nope, I’m just tired. It’s been a long day making sure everything was ready.”

  Logan looked around the crowded room. “You did a great job.”

  “Cecilia helped. It was a joint effort. And don’t forget Shane, who sponsored the whole event and made it happen.”

  Logan tilted her head and looked down at her with narrowed eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem off.”

  To her horror, her throat tightened. This was why she always got eight hours of sleep; anything less and she was useless. “Yes, of course. I’m totally fine.”

  His expression held deep suspicion and he jutted his chin toward the balcony. “Let’s get some air.”

  She nodded and let him lead her outside. The air was mild, warm but not hot; the breeze pleasant and not vicious like it sometimes could be by t
he lakefront. She breathed in deep as they walked through the crowd to the balcony’s edge.

  She wrapped her hands on the metal rails and stared into the night and down to the water, the waves rolling onto the shore. Focus on the good. Everything that was right. How she’d accomplished everything she’d ever wanted. Everything she’d ever promised herself, growing up in that small two-flat apartment building with her tired parents, she’d achieved.

  She lived a life most of the people in their old neighborhood could never have dreamed of. Here she was, at thirty-one, an executive at one of the most prestigious companies in Chicago. Even better, she loved her job. It filled her with purpose. Challenged her. She had great friends, a fabulous house, and a killer wardrobe.

  She’d gotten everything she’d ever wanted. Except for Evan. Well, that and the big, loving family she’d always envisioned when she’d had Sunday night dinners with the Donovans.

  Maybe some dreams weren’t meant to come true.

  And that was okay. Her shoulders slumped. It was.

  She had all the things that really mattered in life. Tomorrow, first thing, she’d work on putting Evan behind her. Focus on finding the right kind of man, one who would give her the family she wanted now that her career was a smashing success.

  That mystery man would complement her. She wouldn’t have to worry about models, or the spotlight, like she would with Evan. She wouldn’t have to worry about him messing up her relationship with the people who mattered most to her. He’d slide right in, and it would be easy. Not hard like it was with Evan.

  “You want to talk about it?” Logan asked, ripping her from her thoughts.

  She started. God, she needed to snap out of this. She turned to face him. “I’m sorry, what?”

  He smiled. “I asked you a couple of other questions, but that was the only one that got your attention.”

  Heat filled her cheeks and she ducked her head. It was hard to pretend she wasn’t distracted when she kept drifting off during conversations. “Ack! I’m tired, that’s all. I’m sorry for being horrible company.”