Follies and Nonsense

by Martin Hunnicutt

  ++**++

  One quiet afternoon, with the children in the nursery and others napping, Jane sat in the parlour with Elizabeth and Mrs. Barrow sewing lace onto gowns for Lydia, Kitty and Georgiana when their attention was suddenly drawn to the window by the sound of a carriage; they perceived a chaise and four driving up the lawn. It was too late in the afternoon for visitors and the equipage did not match that of any of their neighbours. The horses were post; and neither the carriage, nor the livery of the servant who preceded it, were familiar to them.

  “Are we expecting any guests to arrive today, Lizzy?” Jane asked as she used the scissors to cut a thread on Kitty’s dress.

  “I will step away, Lady Elizabeth,” Mrs. Barrow said, gathering the Georgiana’s gown in her arms as she went to a side door.

  “I shall go with you Mrs. Barrow,” Elizabeth said as she gathered up Lydia’s gown. “I am going to the stable to check on Buttermilk and her foal. Jane, I leave the guests to you.”

  Nodding as she threaded another needle, Jane only looked up with the parlour door opened and Mr. William Collins stepped into the room.

  ++**++

  Chapter 51.

  Mr. Collins Makes an Unwelcome Proposal

  “Ah Cousin Jane, I hoped to find you for a private audience this afternoon.”

  “Mr. Collins! You are forbidden entrance to Longbourn!” Jane declared rising from her chair with the dress in her arms and standing before the clergyman who smirked.

  “I have come from London with my solicitor to take possession of my estate before sundown,” Mr. Collins informed his cousin. “And I shall give you one final chance to save your family from being thrown into the hedgerows this evening.”

  Perturbed Jane considering throwing the gown at Collins, but not wishing to soil it, she threw words instead. “I will not marry you, Mr. Collins – I am engaged!”

  “Engaged?” he asked in surprise. “Have you signed any settlements? Who is the gentleman?”

  “Mr. Collins, I insist that you leave now!” Jane insisted, edging toward the door. But the clergyman would not allow her to slip away and imposed himself between the lady and the door.

  Collins said. “My solicitor, Mr. Harper, assures me it does not signify which daughter I marry – so long as I marry one.”

  Jane cried, “Mr. Collins, I cannot marry you and none of my sisters will marry you!”

  “Come now Cousin Jane, the unpleasantness of our last meeting is forgotten; you must remember that my attentions toward you last fall were too marked to be mistaken. Almost as soon as I entered Longbourn, I knew that you were the companion of my future life. But before I am lost in my feelings, perhaps I shall state my reasons for marrying and for returning to Hertfordshire to select a wife.”

  The absurdity of the figure Mr. Collins attempted to portray made Jane pause but she was unable to speak before he continued with his speech.

  “My reasons for marrying are three; firstly, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances to set the example of matrimony in his parish; secondly, that I am convinced that it will add greatly to my happiness; and thirdly, it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness.”

  “When we met with the lawyers this spring to move forward with the entail, Lady Catherine condescended to give me her opinion, saying, 'Mr. Collins, you must marry. Choose a gentlewoman for my sake and let her be an active, useful sort of person, able to make a small income last a year.' Was that not kindness itself?” Mr. Collins asked as he congratulated himself once again on Lady Catherine’s patronage.

  Turning to Jane once again, Collins said, “Allow me to remind you that the notice and kindness of Lady Catherine de Bourgh is among the advantages that I offer.”

  There he paused, expecting to see agreement and delight dawning on his intended’s face but she only gave him a cold stare and the clergyman shifted uncomfortably in his stance. Lifting his chin in the same way a young boy does when he is scared but not willing to run away, he added, “But the fact is as I am the heir to your father’s estate, I resolved once more to come and choose a wife from among his daughters.”

  Pausing a moment only for breath, the monologue continued, “And now nothing remains for me but to assure you of my affection.”

  Now, Jane felt that it was absolutely necessary to interrupt him.

  “You are too hasty, sir,” she cried. “You do not seem to hear my answer that has been repeated twice already – I cannot marry you. I am already engaged and thus bid you leave.”

  “I understand that it is the usual practice for young ladies to reject the addresses of the man the first time when he applies for their hand though they mean to accept him with the second proposal,” Mr. Collins observed. “However, as I mean to take possession of Longbourn today, I must insist that you agree to meet me at the altar ere long.”

  “Upon my word, sir,” cried Jane, “your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am perfectly serious in my refusal. I am happily engaged and find your proposal an imposition.”

  “Come now Cousin Jane, we must marry,” said Mr. Collins very gravely.

  “Mr. Collins, if upon my father’s demise, the entail is enacted, you may take possession of Longbourn estate without any self-reproach. But I shall never be your wife.”

  And rising as she spoke, she would have quitted the room, had Mr. Collins not moved into her path once more and continued his addresses.

  “I must insist that you not depart Miss Bennet. My lawyer will return shortly – even now he brings the magistrate of this parish to enforce the entail. Therefore, you must agree to become my wife or find yourself with your mother and your sisters in the hedgerows tonight.”

  “Mr. Collins, you puzzle me exceedingly,” cried Jane with increasing firmness in her address. “How do I express my refusal of your proposal to convince you that I am sincere?”

  “It does not appear to me that my hand is unworthy your acceptance, but the moment of decision is upon you and this afternoon will determine your future and the very life of your family. If you are cast out of Longbourn, your situation will be so small that it will in all likelihood undo your loveliness and amiable qualifications.”

  Again, Jane was again unable to reply to the man’s odious comments as he continued, “I see you are thinking correctly, therefore I conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of my proposal – you wish to increase my love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females.”

  Turning back to her visitor, Jane stated clearly, “Mr. Collins, I beg you believe me when tell you that your proposal is repugnant to me. My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer?”

  “You are uniformly charming!” cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry. “I am persuaded that when sanctioned by the express authority of your mother, my proposals will not fail of being acceptable.”

  “Mr. Collins, you are obtuse! I am engaged to Mr. Charles Bingley and he will box your ears if you do not leave this house instantly!”

  ++**++

  Mr. Collins paused as he considered the young woman’s words and this allowed Jane to slip passed; she fled the house by the front door with the clergyman in pursuit. She ran toward the stables, looking for any man of the household. She did not stop until she found Elizabeth in the stall with Buttercup and her new filly.

  “Oh Lizzy,” Jane said, shaking as she leaned against the stall door where Memory stuck out her head, nudging the familiar rider for a sugar cube.

  “Jane?” Elizabeth exited the stall quickly, making certain that the stall was latched shut, before taking her sister in her arms.

  “Our visitor is Mr. Collins, Lizzy,” Jane explained. “He came into the house and he imposed himself – he continues to insist that I marry him.”

  “Mr. Collins?” Elizabeth asked with astonishment. “He dared to return to Longbourn?”

&nb
sp; “Cousin Jane? Where are you?” Mr. Collins called from the yard.

  “This way,” Elizabeth motioned to Jane. “We can exit through the pasture door in the back and find Mr. Thomas.”

  The sisters slipped out the door and searched for the coachman.

  ++**++

  Soon there were shouts from the house and Mr. Thomas came into the stable. “Lady Elizabeth? Miss Bennet? Are you here?”

  “Ah, Mr. Thomas. Good, you can help me here in the stable,” Collins said. “There are entirely too many horses on this estate!”

  “Mr. Collins? You are not welcome here, sir!”

  “Nonsense, when the attorney arrives, Longbourn will be made mine,” the clergyman said.

  “Mr. Collins, are you addled?”

  “Do not speak to the future master of Longbourn in such a tone!” Collins spoke coldly while pointing at Mr. Thomas. “You must follow the directions of your betters. Now harness these greys. I shall sell them and collect enough money to purchase hay for the work horses for the winter.”

  “Mr. Collins, the greys belong to Lady Elizabeth,” Thomas insisted. “You cannot sell her property – you cannot sell any of Longbourn’s property.”

  “When I am master here, things will be very different and that day begins today!”

  “But Mr. Bennet returned last fall! He is hale and hearty and you will not be the master of Longbourn for some time yet though I freely admit that I feel for the tenants and servants if an idiot such as you comes into this estate!”

  Not paying heed to Mr. Thomas’s words, Collins did his best imitation of his patroness and how he imagined she would speak to a servant that had displeased her; “Thomas, you are dismissed!”

  The coachman smirked. “You cannot dismiss me!”

  Drawn by the sounds of the men arguing and knowing that Thomas would protect them, Elizabeth and Jane hurried back into the stable.

  “Gentlemen, enough!” Mrs. Hamilton cried when she and Jane drew closer.

  “Cousin Elizabeth, dismiss this man instantly!” Collins said, directing his imitation of intimidation at his cousin.

  Shaking her head, the woman replied, “I shall do no such thing and I must insist that you not impose on my coachman again!”

  “But Cousin Elizabeth, the man has entirely too many horses in the stables,” Collins insisted. “His incompetence is a drain on Longbourn…”

  “What do you know of horses? You do not even ride!” Thomas argued with Collins.

  “Thomas, calm yourself,” Elizabeth insisted before she turned to the odious clergyman. “These are my horses, Mr. Collins! They are not Longbourn’s.”

  “Your horses?” Collins asked, his face reflecting his surprise. “Cousin, how are you paying to feed these animals? Are you draining the coffers at Longbourn?”

  “Mr. Collins, we tried to make you understand the difference between the estate and….” Jane began to explain but suddenly surrendered any attempt to reason with the clergyman.

  “Mr. Collins, leave Longbourn immediately!” Jane pleaded, holding her sister’s arm to restrain her.

  “Now Cousin Jane, Cousin Elizabeth, you must not excite yourself. Ladies must allow gentlemen to deal with such matters…” Collins said trying to sooth his cousins as he moved closer to Jane, reaching out one hand to take her elbow in his palm.

  Pulling away from Mr. Collins, Jane’s hold on her sister’s arms loosened, allowing Elizabeth to take the three steps that separated her from her cousin.

  Smack!

  The sound filled the stable and the horses leaned out of their stalls to watch the proceedings. Fuelled by her anger, Elizabeth had slapped Collins with the full force of her arm leaving the clergyman staggering, his face red with the imprint of her palm. Mr. Thomas smirked at the bewildered look on the face of Mr. Collins as the two stable boys ran into the stables.

  Elizabeth turned to Mr. Thomas to ask, “Where is Mr. Bennet?”

  “He is riding with Lord Rutherford and Mr. Darcy, Lady Elizabeth,” Thomas replied as he motioned the two stable boys to move on either side of Mr. Collins. “They rode to Netherfield to see Mr. Bingley’s new horses.”

  “Then remove Mr. Collins from Longbourn and set the dogs on him if he enters our gate again!”

  “Gladly, Lady Elizabeth!”

  “What are you doing?” Collins protested as Thomas and the stable boys grabbed the clergyman and dragged him from the stable and around the side of the house; his loud protests drew the ladies and servants from the house to stand on the stoop. Once they came to the end of the drive, Thomas and the stable boys threw Mr. Collins onto the dirt road in front of Longbourn. It took Mr. Collins a moment to pick himself up from the road as Mr. Thomas threw the man’s hat to him where he stood sputtering and dusting off his coat.

  “Mrs. Bennet told you last fall that you are not welcome at Longbourn and today Miss Bennet and Lady Elizabeth ordered you to leave,” Mr. Thomas told the man.

  From the road leading toward Netherfield, Mr. Bennet, Lord Rutherford, Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy appeared on horseback as the Longbourn men blocked the gate to prevent Mr. Collins’ return.

  “Who is this man?” asked Mr. Bennet, as the dust settled around Mr. Collins. He glanced toward Longbourn and saw the anger on the faces of his two eldest daughters and the looks of concern on the other members of his household.

  “Papa, this is your cousin, Mr. William Collins,” Elizabeth said as an introduction. Mr. Bennet dropped from his saddle, closely followed by Lord Rutherford, Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley. The two stable boys scrambled out the gates to take the reins of the horses – Zeus was distracted enough by the crowd of people to be on his best behaviour.

  Not listening to the coachman, Mr. Collins turned to the four gentlemen, and made his appeal, “Gentlemen, I call on you to be my witnesses! I shall summon the magistrate and have these ruffians arrested for laying hands on a gentleman!”

  “You are not a gentleman, Mr. Collins!” Mr. Thomas declared as the ladies and servants from the house gathered at the gate. Elizabeth had Matthew in her arms and Darcy made his way to her side and took the boy. Charles approached Jane, placed her hand on his arm and then covered her hand with his free hand.

  “I presume you are Mr. Collins,” Mr. Bennet said as the clergyman sputtered to see a stranger holding hands with Miss Bennet.

  “I must say Bennet, this is an exciting turn of events,” Lord Rutherford teased. “A clergyman covered in dust!”

  “Sir!” Mr. Collins shouted at Mr. Bingley. “Unhand my intended bride! I am the new master of Longbourn and Miss Bennet will be my wife!”

  “New master of Longbourn?” asked Mr. Bennet. “Pray sir, when did I die?”

  Mr. Collins turned back to the man standing before him. “Who are you, sir?”

  “I am Thomas Bennet,” he replied titling his head forward only slightly and not taking his eyes off the man who claimed to be his cousin.

  “You are dead! You drowned or were killed by pirates in the West Indies!” cried Mr. Collins.

  Making a show of feeling of his chest and arms, Mr. Bennet shook his head and said, “I assure you Mr. Collins that I am quite alive and come home to my family and home.”

  “I must agree, Mr. Bennet is very much alive,” Lord Rutherford said with a laugh. “He bet me in chess again last night!”

  “You are an imposter!” Collins declared to which the audience gathered on the steps of the manor laughed.

  Now from the road leading to Meryton, came the impressive carriage and four again, with Sir William Lucas and John Lucas riding horses alongside. The coachman stopped the horses well away from the gate to Longbourn because of the crowd blocking the way. A footman dropped down from the back of the carriage and came to the door for instructions.

  “Move out of the road!” called the coach’s footman to Mr. Bennet. “Lady Catherine de Bourgh has come to call on her clergyman in his new estate.”

  “I am Thomas Bennet, master of Longbourn and I have n
o interest in a call from this Lady Catherine.”

  Now, the carriage door flew open and Mr. Harper descended before he turned back and assisted Lady Catherine from the carriage.

  “Get those people out of the way!” she demanded. “I cannot stand here in the road like a commoner’s wife!”

  “Aunt Catherine? What are you doing?” asked Darcy as he handed Matthew back to Elizabeth before stepping back to Mr. Bennet’s side.

  “Darcy?” Lady Catherine asked in astonishment as she took in her nephew and then looking further, found her niece among the assembly. “Georgiana! Child, what are you doing here?”

  “Is that your aunt who is so scary?” asked Lydia of her friend.

  “Yes,” Georgiana replied.

  “She wears entirely too much rouge and her hair is badly done,” Lydia remarked. “She looks like a character in one of the cartoons in the newspaper.”

  “Lydia!” scolded Kitty though she began giggling and soon all three girls were laughing at Lady Catherine’s poor sense of fashion.

  Sir William Lucas dismounted and handed the reins of his horse to John before stepping forward.

  “Bennet, Rutherford, I must say this is very entertaining!”

  “Enlighten me, Lucas! I beg you,” Mr. Bennet said keeping his eyes on Collins and the footman from the carriage. Darcy motioned Barrow forward while Thomas remained positioned between the visitors and the ladies and child.

  “Mr. Harper is an attorney from London. He came with papers to enact the entailment on Longbourn for Mr. Collins as your heir,” explained Sir William.

  Mr. Bennet began laughing, “But I assured my cousin that I am still alive. Can we send them packing?”

  “How do we know you are Thomas Bennet?” demanded Mr. Collins. “The magistrate will…”

  “The magistrate has been my friend for more than thirty years,” Bennet said. “He can verify my identity.”