by Jaycee Clark
Jesslyn set her cup down, held the necklace up and let Tammy put it on her. “You make this?” she asked.
“Would I give you something I hadn’t made? The business is really starting to take off. Lots of people want jewelry that has a purpose, you know, that means something.” The necklace latched and Tammy stepped back around. “I try to incorporate ancient meanings and usage of metals and stones.”
For lack of anything better, she said, “Cool.”
“So wear this. There’s darkness near you and this will help clear things up. And like I said, some good meditative time would do you wonders.”
“Yeah,” Jesslyn said. “I was thinking of driving the Emerald Schofield loop, to clear my head. Maybe it’ll polish my aura. I’ve got some things to figure out. But I need the Jeep.”
“And it’s starting to get dark,” Tammy said.
“So it is. I should get going.”
“Be careful, Jess.”
She nodded and walked out the door and collided right into Kirk Roberts, her triple café mocha all over him.
“Damn it to hell and back! Can’t you even watch where the hell you’re going?” he asked.
Jesslyn was not in the mood to put up with him. She tried to step around him, but he followed her.
“How dare you,” he bit out, his fists at his side.
Swallowing, she stepped back. “Move, Kirk.”
“You didn’t even ask if there was something I wanted done. I wish it had been you that night.”
Chills danced up her spine. And she tried to shake them off. “What do you mean?”
“Lots easier for me if you’d died too.”
Jesslyn looked over her shoulder. The door to the coffee shop and all the windows were open. Tammy and Sally stood at one, looking out, listening.
“Would it?” she asked. “Maybe you should mention that to Garrison.”
“Fuck you.”
Riding on too much emotion, Jesslyn shoved around him, but he caught her arm. Jesslyn looked at it. “Is that the best you can come up with? Guess your nose is feeling better?”
“You’re a coldhearted bitch. I swear you have ice in your veins. God only knows why Maddy was friends with you.”
Jesslyn ripped her arm free of his and stalked to her pickup. Inside, she revved the diesel engine to life and watched as Kirk just stood there staring at her.
Asshole.
Her tires squealed on the asphalt as she pulled onto the street, almost hitting a pedestrian.
“Sorry!” she yelled out the window.
It was getting late and it was raining. Already, it was after six. What a damn day and she had no idea how the hell it was going to end. At the funeral home, she’d flipped. Completely wigged. Her breakdown was shattering her control little by little. The lilies, the tour of Maddy’s stuff, the questions, and questions, forcing herself to remember it all. And the damn funeral home. God she hated those places.
This morning, she’d awakened smiling, thinking the future might hold something for her.
But now? Now she wasn’t so certain she could face it all again if everything went wrong. If at some point she lost it all, had it ripped away from her. More than once she’d thought that perhaps she’d rushed things with Aiden. Now she knew she did. He was just a guy here on vacation and she was a convenient . . . Nothing she came up with set well with her. Strangely, part of her really wanted something with Aiden. She’d forgotten what it was like to be able to talk to someone about anything or nothing.
This was a day from hell.
Tim had called twice, once to make certain she was all right after she practically broke down and ran out of the funeral home earlier, and the other time on the excuse to remind her to put the checks in the bank. Jesslyn turned her phone off when it rang and she recognized her home number on the caller ID panel. Aiden.
She hadn’t been ready to talk to him. Not then. Not really now. But she had nowhere to go right now, except to work, and Tim told her not to come in. Maybe she would anyway.
Kirk’s words still rang in her ears.
It was no secret around town Kirk was being questioned by the police regularly. The more she thought about it, the more she wondered. Was Kirk the killer? Had he killed Maddy?
There were no answers. The only sound in her pickup was the CD she had blaring. Her wipers shoved the misty rain off the windshield. Before she realized it, her truck sat in front of her two-story log and rock home. The lights from the inside crystallized the clear windows through the foggy, wet weather.
Might as well get this over with. Putting it off wasn’t making it any easier. She took a deep breath. Was halting things with Aiden the right thing to do? She’d planned to tell him later, but later, smater, it wouldn’t matter. No, tonight. Be done with it. It had to be the right thing to do. Jesslyn wasn’t certain she could handle anything else. They’d had a good time while it lasted, right? No big deal. She’d just stop the relationship before it really started. Before she got too attached and he left. Or worse they got really attached and God forbid something happen to him. She couldn’t deal with that. Not that.
At the door, she took another deep breath, blew it out, then quietly opened her side door. This was why she didn’t even have a pet. No cat, no dog, not even a damn fish. Pets you got attached to and then they died. And Aiden she’d get more than attached to. Thunder boomed along the mountainsides, the storm brewing, promising its arrival.
“There you are, Jesslyn. Aiden’s been worried about you,” Mrs. Kinncaid said, standing in the entrance of the kitchen, noting her arrival. “You’re wet, dear, and it’s rather cold outside.”
Jesslyn turned and shrugged. “I’m okay, Mrs. Kinncaid.”
The woman waved a hand. “Please, call me Kaitlyn.”
“All right, Kaitlyn.” Jesslyn shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans and walked towards the woman. “Aiden’s in the living room?”
“Well, if it’s off then why in the hell is Brice telling everyone the wedding is only postponed?” Jock’s voice boomed from the living room. The older man stood glowering at his son.
Jesslyn waited in the doorway beside Kaitlyn. Aiden stood, hands fisted on his hips. “Dad—”
“Don’t you ‘Dad’ me. Are you engaged to her or not? Kinncaids keep their word. If you told Brice you’d marry her, then you’ll marry her.”
Aiden took a deep breath. “I will choose my own life and my own wife, thank you very much.”
“Who? This Jesslyn woman? She’s after your money.”
Jesslyn cleared her throat. “Actually, Mr. Kinncaid, your son can keep every last penny. I don’t want a dime of his money. I have my own.”
Aiden turned and spotted her. “Jesslyn.”
She’d come home intending to end it. She wasn’t ready for this. He was dressed in jeans and a dark ribbed crew neck that molded his perfect torso. What if she lost him and had to go through all that pain again. The funerals, the heartache. No, she’d end it. Jesslyn opened her mouth.
“Are you still engaged to Brice?” She blinked. That hadn’t been what she’d planned to ask him. What if he was? Anger shimmered in her blood.
Aiden only looked at her hard, his gaze narrowing.
Jesslyn took two steps into the room. “Well?”
His glare didn’t answer her question. “How in the hell can you ask me that?” Neither did his words.
“It’s a legitimate question from what your father just said and from what I overheard. Someone doesn’t know what’s going on, either your father or me. And the man is your father.” The more she thought about it, the madder she became. She walked up to him, and before he knew what was happening, she hooked her foot around his ankle and jerked. He fell back onto the couch. Jesslyn leaned down into his face. “Are you still engaged to her?”
His eyes mirrored his disbelief. “No. No. No. What kind of man do you think I am?”
She sighed. Aiden’s eyes studied her. “Would it matter to you if I was?”
She leapt back. “Now who’s asking dumb questions? I will be no one’s other woman.”
Amusement shifted in his eyes, but so did anger. “And I never thought you would be.” He shook his head and stood. “I cannot believe you thought— After all we’ve—”
Jesslyn backed up. This was going all wrong. What was with her? She’d planned to come in and tell him this was going too fast. And here she was pissed because he might have done something that would end it. Isn’t that what she wanted? Was to end their new relationship?
“Whatever. I don’t care,” she muttered. “Doesn’t matter anymore. Easier this way.” This was going all wrong.
She needed to think. Jesslyn rubbed her forehead. At his sigh, she looked up.
“Are you okay?” he asked, starting towards her, but she backed up yet again.
“I’m fine. Why?”
“Tim called.”
Jesslyn looked away and licked her lips. Of course, Tim had called. Tears pricked the backs of her eyes.
“I’m fine,” she repeated. At his raised brow she added, “I’m fine. I just need to—”
“Well, pardon me, Missy, but you don’t look fine. You look like a wind could blow you over. You’re a bit pale.” Jock commented the last bit softer than the other words.
“Dad.” Aiden’s patience was clearly growing short.
Jesslyn only saw concern on his face. The tears threatening choked her.
“You want to talk about it?” he asked.
Jesslyn looked away, but still his gaze stayed on her. She could feel it. She knew every time he tried to read her.
“No, not really.” She wanted to be by herself, figure out how she felt about things, didn’t she? By herself she didn’t have to worry about losing someone, anyone else in her life. It was why she’d been alone this long. Or one of the reasons.
“Jessie.” The way he drew her name out made her feel like crying all that much more. All she had to do was walk to him. He’d put his arms around her and let her cry on his shoulder.
And she would have done that, if things hadn’t shaken her up this afternoon at the funeral home. It was that young couple who had been in making arrangements for their child.
The feeling of loss that plagued her all afternoon roared to life, but she tried her best to ignore it. This was nice, had been wonderful with Aiden. But if she ended it now, then it couldn’t hurt her more later.
“Jessie, look at me,” Aiden said, stepping towards her, but she backed up.
No, she couldn’t lean. If he touched her . . .
She shook her head no, but her mouth opened up on its own. “I’m fine, really. I am. I just need—need to go write. Think.”
His eyes narrowed in their study of her.
Jesslyn couldn’t look away and the words pressed up, blurted out. “You know, most of the time I understand death. I do. It’s simply part of life. Maddy’s not the first friend I’ve lost, but the rest were distant, you know? Jerrod lost his younger cousin in an auto accident.” She shrugged. “That same fate ripped my whole world away. Death can be understood, even expected, but it can shred your soul, too. The sad thing is that if I sat down and put pen to paper, I’d bet my next contract I’ve been to more funerals than to weddings.” She looked at him then. “What in the hell does that say about me?” She sniffed and walked to the window.
Rain dripped off the eave of the house, the water dull in the fading light.
Now Maddy. “You know, everyone was so anxious or scared that I’d have a breakdown or something when Mama died.” She licked her lips and wiped a tear away. “But I didn’t. I helped Daddy with all the arrangements, all the phone calls, all the everything that no one realizes such a situation entails.”
She turned back to Aiden. “This isn’t what I wanted to say, and I’m getting off subject.” She put her hands out. “Look, I just need some time by myself. Need to sort things out.” She felt like her line to level ground was starting to fray. Maybe it was all the time she spent with Aiden that was making her forget things. Maybe it was the reminder of everything today.
“You’re tired,” Aiden said. “Why don’t we get something to eat?”
“I’m not hungry.” And yes she was tired. Jesslyn was tired of death, sick of its wake throwing her about. Why couldn’t life be simple?
Why was all this—this emotion swirling around her now? Her throat closed up. She swallowed hard, trying to fight the battle she’d won all day against, but Aiden was right, she was tired and battered. It wouldn’t be long before her emotions broke and she hit bottom.
“I can still smell her blood on my hands. And today at her house, I swear I could smell those damn lilies. I hate lilies.” She rubbed her forehead.
Aiden walked to her and she didn’t pull away as his long fingers smoothed along her hair, her neck. “You need to eat, or I’ll be feeding you some bready carbs again.”
She tried for a smile. “I’m—I’m fine.”
Aiden bent his knees, his hands on her shoulders, and stared at her in that intense way of his, straight, unblinking, the corners of his eyes slightly creasing. Paradoxically, it was unnerving, yet comforting.
“Your ‘fine’ rings hollow, but I’ll leave it for now. I know if I pushed, you’d only push back and that would only put more distance between us than what you’re already throwing up. I’m a patient man, Jessie, I told you that last night, and I didn’t lie. But, I also know when to press an issue.”
Right now, she wished she were the person she had been last night. The woman who was tired of living alone. But today brought too many painful memories back and she had been flooded with bittersweet images of her lost family, of her mother, of Maddy. Jesslyn knew the pain that could result if she came out of her shell. It was sometimes lonely here, in her world, but it was also safe. She only had herself to depend on, to comfort, and didn’t have to worry about that other person being taken away from her because the other person was herself.
He leaned over and pressed a kiss on her cheek.
“I thought I was ready for this,” she whispered. “But—but—I don’t think . . .”
The muscles in his face grew taut. “Don’t.”
She opened her mouth to try to explain, but nothing came out. Jesslyn shook her head. Why did she get in these moods? She just wanted to be left alone. Go into her office, turn off the lights, turn on some music and write.
Who was she kidding? She just needed to get to her office before she completely fell apart in front of Aiden. She didn’t want to be bothered. She didn’t want to talk. Didn’t want to think.
“I need to get some—some writing done. And . . .” Again her eyes pricked with tears.
“You’re shutting me out.” He tried to pull her to him, but she shrugged him off, and stepped out of his hold.
“Aiden, sometimes, I just want to be alone. That’s—that’s all.” And my friend’s dead, and I never got to say good-bye. And I should be used to death, but I’m not. And I’m terrified that I need you, but I do. And . . . And . . . And.
“Well, that’s too damn bad, isn’t it? We rarely get what we want.” His eyes bore into hers, daring her to challenge him.
She opened her mouth, anger the first thing surging to the front, but decided that would only take more energy. She was tired and her heart hurt.
“Whatever,” she said. “I thought you said you were a patient man.” Tears clogged her throat. She had to get out of here.
Aiden reached over and grabbed her hand. “I did too, but I’m finding with you, my norm is a bit off. I. Am. Here.” Each of his words precisely spaced, his tone brooked no argument. “Talk to me, damn it. I’ve been worried about you since Tim called and that was well over an hour ago. I learned at the hotel today that another body was found. Nice of you and Chief to keep that little bit to yourselves. Where the hell have you been anyway? And why wouldn’t you answer your phone?”
Jesslyn took a deep breath, tried to pull hard on her emotions, but
it wasn’t working. Anger warred with grief, heartache with hope.
“I was driving around. Is that okay with you? I needed to think.” She was not going to take this out on him. She closed her eyes. Silence stretched between them and his warm sigh whispered on her face. Finally, she asked, “What did Tim tell you?”
Aiden studied her for a minute. “That you were all making arrangements for Maddy’s funeral when you suddenly jumped up and left. He was worried about you.” His mouth thinned at the corners. “You could have called me. I would have gone with you.”
She nodded. “I know. I knew that. And I did think about it, but I didn’t.” She shrugged, the battle with her tears lost.
Jesslyn stepped back away from him, the trickle of tears over her cheeks warm.
Aiden hated to see her crying, to see her this vulnerable. He wanted to pull her into his arms and tell her it would be okay. But she was so distant, so far from him that she didn’t think she needed his comfort. And to be honest, he thought this show of emotion would be good for her. In fact, he thought it was about damn time she broke. She’d been holding it all in.
He watched as she rocked from her heels to the balls of her feet.
“You know, I went in so damn cocky. I figure I’ve been through this so many times I’m a pro, right? My heart’s hardened.” She swiped at her cheeks. “I mean, do you want a coffin that’s metal and seals? Or a wooden one? Vault or not? How would you like the programs printed? Anything special to mention inside? God, there is so much to do for a funeral. And I was fine. I was fine.” Her shaking hands raked through her hair.
“What happened?” he quietly asked her.
Her head shook, her damp hair falling over her shoulders. A muscle jumped in her jaw as she moved it back in forth, probably in an attempt to control her emotions. Her jerky movements, tensed looks told him the slightest touch would shatter her.
“There was—there was this woman in the restroom. She was crying and I asked her if she was all right, if she needed anything.” Her arms were wrapped tight around her middle and the tears fell in earnest. “I’d read in the paper a couple of days ago about a hit and run just outside of Gunnison, a little boy on his bike. It was his mother. He passed away yesterday.”