by Jaycee Clark
Her chin was trembling. Aiden couldn’t stand it, he started to go to her, but again she backed away from him.
“Aiden, I couldn’t breathe, I just couldn’t. I looked at this woman and I knew what she was going through, what she still has to go through and I just lost it.” Her head shook back and forth, her eyes black pools of agony. “There’s this horrible pain that you can’t help your babies, that you didn’t—you can’t kiss it better, you can’t rock it or sing a song and make it better. That you didn’t protect them somehow. It’s so big, so black, so consuming, it just swallows you whole and you just don’t know what to do. And I could see that, Aiden, I could see all that in her eyes because I’ve seen it in mine for the last three years.” Tears streamed down her face. “I left and drove around.”
Aiden crossed his arms over his chest. His parents were still in the room, they’d gotten caught in the middle of this. He didn’t care about them. He was worried about the woman in front of him, trying so valiantly to shield herself from him.
“Did you know, I thought of all these things to tell you on why this wouldn’t work between us. I thought of your parents, the financial difference—though honestly that seems archaic, our jobs. Everything so that I wouldn’t have to admit that I’m scared. I am so scared.” She shook her head. “I can’t survive it again.” She stopped, looked at his dad then back at him. “You promise me you’re not still engaged to Brice?”
The pain in her eyes was so clear it stole his breath. “I promise, Jessie. Dad’s just hopeful. He doesn’t know what you do.”
She nodded. “I could say I don’t believe you and throw a fit and kick you out or something. Or I could just move over the garage until you leave.”
“You could try.” She might think she could end this between them, but he’d be damned if he let her.
“I shouldn’t care either way, but I’m glad you didn’t lie to me. I’d have to kick your ass if you did.”
She was a foot shorter than he was and weighed a hell of a lot less. But he didn’t laugh, in fact, he didn’t find any of this amusing at all.
Her face crumpled. “I’m tired of planning funerals, Aiden.” Her shoulders shook.
To hell with this. He gathered her to him and held her while she cried. About time. Carefully, he maneuvered them over to a chair and sat in it, with her across his lap. “It’ll be okay, Jessie. Let it out, just let it out.”
He watched as his parents quietly left the room.
For a moment she leaned into him, let him give her the comfort he offered. Her tears soaked into the shoulder of his shirt.
Her sobs shook her small frame until he worried she’d make herself sick. He felt so damn helpless.
“Jessie, Jessie,” he muttered against her hair, rocking her.
Moments and minutes passed until she finally quieted.
Suddenly, she pushed against him. “I’ve got work to do.”
Aiden sighed, but kept his arms locked around her. “No, you don’t. You need to rest and eat.” He didn’t want to go through another ulcer-no-ulcer argument.
“I’ve got to go to The Dime, and I need to think.” She put as much space between them as his arms would allow. “I need to think.”
“About what?” he ventured.
“You. Me. Us. Life.”
He mulled over her words. “You’re pushing me away.”
“I don’t mean to.”
“Yes, you do.” And that hurt more than he would have thought, understanding or not. “You have me. You’re not alone anymore.”
“I have to be,” she whispered.
Aiden didn’t know what to do. What if he pressed it and pushed her completely away? “No you don’t. I’m here. Let me . . .”
“I don’t . . . No. Don’t you see? I can’t.” She jerked back and his hold broke. Jessie started to get off his lap, but he grabbed her arm and didn’t let go. Finally, she sat again. “I can’t.” Her voice was breaking. “I can’t need you. What if I lost you?” Her dark eyes shimmered with emotion, the lashes spiky.
He tried once more. “What about last night? Living a little? Tired of being lonely? Tired of the fear?”
She shook her head. “That’s easy for you to say.” Her voice cracked. “You don’t have any idea what it’s like to lose everything. Everything that matters! You don’t know what real silence is because you’ve never had your house filled with laughter and giggles. Or sleeping on the floor because you can’t stand to sleep alone in a giant bed. Or not even being able to open a damn box of crayons because of the memories.”
Her words slid her pain through him.
She swiped at her tears. “I depended on someone once with everything in me, with all that I had. I gave everything and everything was so . . . so . . .” Her lips trembled. “Perfect. It was perfect. When it’s ripped away . . . When it’s . . .” She stopped, squeezed her eyes shut, and took a deep breath. “I had to learn to be on my own. I had to, or I never would have been able to pick up the pieces. And even when I did find the strength to put the pieces of me back together, I’m still jagged because the pieces will never fit perfectly again. I don’t know if I can depend on anyone again.” Her brown eyes, black with shimmering emotion, pierced him. “I just don’t know, Aiden. Part of me wants . . .”
Aiden cupped her face and kissed her trembling lips. He tasted the salt from her tears. He broke their kiss, but kept his forehead against hers. “Wants what?”
Her eyes looked down at his mouth. “You. Part of me wants to hold on to you with everything in me. But, I’m so scared and part of me hates myself for that alone.”
Aiden released a breath he hadn’t even known he held. “Then I won’t let you let go. You can push, but I’ll still be here.”
She pulled her lip between her teeth. “I don’t know what to do, Aiden.” Her sigh warmed his lips. “I really need to go. I need to be alone to think, to put this all in perspective. I’m just messed up right now.”
At least she didn’t shut him completely out. In fact, he’d waited her out and found out what happened.
“I can’t believe you came home thinking you could end it. Did you honestly think I’d buy that?”
“I hadn’t planned to tell you at all today, but Kirk pissed me off and before I realized it, my plan went out the window.”
He noticed when she didn’t get bogged down in thoughts, she turned to him. But what she said clicked.
“Kirk?”
“Yeah.”
“And what did Mr. Roberts do?” he calmly asked. Jessie was his and the idea of that creep bothering her angered him.
“Nothing. We just got into it because no one told him about the arrangements.” She shrugged. “Honestly, can’t blame him for being upset if he honestly had feelings for her, ya know? I was already in a mood and didn’t want to put up with his shit. But . . .”
“What did he say?”
“Just that it would have been easier if I’d died that night. Maybe he is the killer.”
“He said what?”
Her head shook against his. “He was just swiping in anger. Kirk’s a coward.”
“Cowards can bite.”
“I need to go.” She leaned forward and touched her lips to his.
Aiden closed his eyes as she slid off his lap.
“I’ll call you later, okay?”
He stood up. “Where are you going?”
“I don’t know. For a drive, then to The Dime.” Her brow furrowed. “I’ll call you later.”
“Will your cop be following you?”
“What cop?”
That answered his question. “I just figured with the lilies and all that someone would be watching you again.” They damn well better be.
She shrugged. “No one’s said anything. I figure they’re all really busy trying to find the guy, what with the remains being found this morning and all. This isn’t a huge police department with men to spare.”
He sighed. “What time are you done? I’ll come
by and make sure you get home okay.” He brushed his finger down her cheek.
She nodded, surprising him. “Okay, I’ll give you a call before I leave. Can I take your Jeep?”
He looked out the window. “It’s raining.”
Her sigh and eye roll told him what she thought of that. “You think, Sherlock? And, actually, it’s more a mist. If you tell me no, I’ll just jump-start my own.” She tugged keys out of her jean pocket. He noticed she still wore his blue silk shirt, tucked into her waist. Something about that made him smile. She was gorgeous, pale, eyes red rimmed and puffy and wearing his silk shirt.
“All right. But put on the jacket that’s shoved in the side pocket,” he told her, walking her to the door. He wished she’d stay. Something told him to keep her here. “You could call Tim and just stay.”
She shook her head, tossed him her keys and grabbed his out of the bowl on the side table. “I’m sure Tim would agree, but that’s too bad. You should tell your dad the truth, by the way. And the point is space away from you to think. And since you’re in my house, then I’ll think elsewhere.”
Hurrying to him, she stood up on her toes, and he leaned down to kiss her.
“What’s to think about?” he asked.
Jessie patted his cheek, tears in her eyes again. At the door, she stopped. “To figure out if I really love you or not. And if I do, what I’m going to do about it.”
Before he could react to her words, he heard the Jeep start.
Aiden ran to the door, jerking it open, but he was too late to say the words back to her. Slapping his palm against the door frame, he turned around to see his father shaking his head.
Well, damn.
Chapter 14
He sat staring through the trees. It was almost time. She should be here soon.
Anticipation raced through his system, made him feel excited, expectant. The monster was hungry and would soon be fed. Soon . . .
Rain softly pattered, dripped off the boughs of the spruce and furs, to absorb into the wet needled ground. Sounds weren’t heard here. The forest swallowed them into its sleeping silence.
She’d agreed to meet him here and he knew then she was another harlot. She became HER!
Thunder rumbled down the canyon and the wind picked up. It would be dark before long, and darkness he needed.
And even better, the other one, the innocent might come. Perhaps the heavens would align, God might guide her to him.
His motorcycle was hidden up the road behind the trees. He’d thought about pretending he was broken down when she finally got here. Let her try to help him before he struck. But, that idea was quickly discarded. The chance was still high someone could come along. He didn’t want anything drawing attention, and a single motorcycle by the lake might be noticed by someone passing on the road above.
He looked up studying the road far above. No cars passed, no lights shone. The other side of the lake was empty. No campers here today. It was a sign, an omen to bless his cause. The path had been cleared.
The minutes ticked by. Rain fell harder, ran off his hood, dripped beneath the edge. The darkness grew.
If all went well, he’d be done and back on the road in no time. If she would just get here. Where was she? They’d decided on seven. It was after that now.
Everything was perfect, but he couldn’t tarry. He needed to get back. The Gothic Road would be quickest, but he might have to cut across Washington Gulch. A backup plan was always needed.
To be prepared was to be successful. His father taught him that.
Finally, the glow of headlights rounded the bend in the road. Then, they crested the small rise and started down to the lake.
He smiled.
Chapter 15
Jesslyn pulled over to the side of the road. Where was she going? She had no idea. The rain was really only a light drizzle and it wasn’t quite dark yet. Maybe the storm would blow over. Jesslyn got out, and realized she was past the police department on Gothic Road. She could go in and talk to T.J., but being alone sounded better. Or she could go up to Emerald Lake and just chill. She’d been up there plenty of times, rain or shine, dark or light.
Please let the coat be in here. After digging around in the back of the Jeep, she found one in the side zipper pocket. The navy nylon shell was top of the line and huge, Aiden’s obviously. His scent wafted up to her as her body heat began to warm the inside of the jacket.
She turned her head up to the sky, the sharp cold drops of rain slicing down to mix with her tears. God, she couldn’t believe she’d practically told the man she loved him. His shocked expression was etched in her memory. She didn’t want to think about her foolish but truthful outburst. Wearily, Jesslyn climbed back into the Jeep. She shook her head as she pulled back onto the road, the tires sluicing through the wet muddy ground, the windshield wipers popping.
She’d told him she loved him for God’s sake. If that wasn’t pathetic, she didn’t know what was. What happened to her control? First she’d all but ripped into him for possibly lying to her, then she’d fallen apart in front of him, and then she ended it with an “I love you—I think.”
Hell.
She needed to call Tim. Unclipping her phone, she dialed his number and explained that she’d be at The Dime within the hour.
“You okay?” Tim asked her.
“Yeah,” she sighed, maneuvering around a group of chug holes.
“T.J. and I were worried.” His voice faded in and out. Jesslyn pulled over at the first spot she could. The ground ended feet away, the East River Valley a dark abyss below.
“Jesslyn? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, everything. Look, I’ll be in later. I just need to clear my head, okay?”
“Where are you? Where’s Aiden?”
She chuckled. “At home, I think. I left him rather shocked.”
“What does that mean? Never mind.”
A headache throbbed behind her eyes and in her temples. Her heart felt bruised and tattered. “I’m fine. I’ll see you in a bit.”
The rain dripped off the bikini top of the Jeep, made dull thumping sounds as it hit the vinyl backseat.
“Jesslyn, I can hear you crying. Go to The Dime, or go to my house. You don’t need to be by yourself.” His voice gave her little room for argument.
“Tim, I’m fine. I just need a little time.” Why was it that simple thing seemed beyond the comprehension of men?
“I’d like to know what Aiden was thinking to let you leave,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. Where are you?” he asked.
“Driving. I just needed to get out. I need to think.”
“In this weather? Get back here, would you? It’s insane to be out in this.”
Her sanity was already questionable at the moment. “I’ll be back, don’t worry.”
Seconds stretched. Jesslyn could picture Tim running his hand through his hair, slicking his mustache down. Finally, he said, “Call me, or I’ll call you. Just be careful.”
The wet smell of rain and soft scent of aspens and flowers rose in a cacophony of fragrances around her.
“I will. Bye.” Jesslyn flipped the phone shut and sat staring at the rain glistening on the windshield before the wipers arched the wetness away.
She put the Jeep in gear and drove on, thinking about the past couple of weeks with Aiden, how wonderful it had been and if she really wanted to end it. Jesslyn tapped the steering wheel.
Okay, to be honest, she didn’t really want to end things with Aiden.
But she was scared to move forward, or to keep moving forward. How pathetic to realize she let go of love because she was a coward. Not that she knew if he loved her, but he might. And she knew he cared.
Gothic came into view and she slowed at the stop sign. The little cottages were discernible in the dark by the square lighted windows. She wasn’t ready to go back. She’d turn around at Emerald Lake. Maybe it’d stop raining and she could get out, clear her head in th
e fresh air.
What did she want to do with her life? Live it in fear? No. She liked being with Aiden. And if she were honest, it was nice to lean on him earlier, for someone to tell her everything would be okay, even if she knew those words were hollow.
Jesslyn’s headlights cut through the mists as she rounded the canyon curve before Emerald Lake. The cold wind blew down the ravine, wrapped in and through the Jeep, chilled her in its wake. Lightning flashed behind the mountain to the left, lit the sky and reflected off the misty water. She turned onto the access road, sloping down to the water’s edge as thunder rumbled.
The tires sucked at the dark black mud as she drove around to the far side of the lake. Maybe she’d hike to her spot, think for a few minutes before heading back. It was almost dark, but there was still enough light.
The Jeep bounced through potholes, her beams of light jumped haphazardly through the darkness. Finally, on the other side, she pulled to a stop where she and Aiden had parked the day she brought him here.
Climbing out of the Jeep, she grabbed her phone in case someone called, and shoved it in the large coat pocket. In her earlier attempt to find a jacket, she’d seen a red metal flashlight, one of those long heavy kinds. In the back floorboard she found it, mashed the rubber button and watched the bright beam of light reflect off the water. It was so quiet here. The scent of pine mixed with scents of flowers and the lake to create that sweet, almost-citrus fragrance. It was barely raining here. At the water’s edge, Jesslyn kicked a pebble into the choppy water lapping at the shore. Soft mists rose from the waves.
Aiden. Her and Aiden. She’d told him she’d loved him. Damn. Why? Was she imagining it all? No, there was something between her and Aiden. Now that her emotions were calming, some part of her knew it wasn’t all on her side. Aiden worried about her, cared about her, and though he didn’t say the words back to her, Jesslyn suspected he might love her too. She hoped he did anyway.