Turning the Page

by Andrew Grey

“I’m not in love with Hans.”

  “I didn’t say you were, but maybe you could be, and that’s what has you wetting yourself. You may not think you’re ready and all that—maybe you aren’t—but you shouldn’t do something stupid to ensure that you never find out.”

  “What is this stupid thing you keep referring to?” Malcolm challenged.

  “I don’t know. Like not calling him all week and then making some boneheaded decision that it would be better for him if you walked away… or some such crap.”

  Damn it, how did Jane know what he was thinking? He really needed to learn to school his expression better. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “Then try letting things work out on their own and see what happens. You deserve the chance to be happy, despite your own best efforts.” Jane rolled her eyes. “Now I believe you have that meeting you were so worried about.”

  Malcolm stood and gathered his materials. “You’d think you were the senior partner.”

  “Please, like I’d ever want your job.” She flashed him a grin. “Although I could use a raise.”

  She pulled open the door and left his office. Malcolm wondered what the heck he’d done to deserve her and then left for his meeting. Thankfully it seemed that Jane had taken pity on him, and when she rescheduled the meeting, she’d arranged for food, so he wouldn’t have to go without lunch. The more he thought about it, maybe Jane was right. With all she did for him, maybe she did deserve a raise. Jane poked her head back in the doorway.

  “Oh, and flowers would be nice.”

  She flashed him another smile. Malcolm groaned and reconsidered the raise.

  BY THE time he was to meet Hans at his home, Malcolm was completely at a loss for what he should do. In the end he decided that Jane was probably right and he should see where things went between them. As soon as he made that decision, the blue mood and the fog lifted, and he realized the whole week he’d made himself miserable for nothing.

  “I hope you’re in the mood for Italian,” Malcolm said when Hans answered the door. He expected Hans’s usual smile and energy, but instead Hans appeared worried and bit his lower lip. Malcolm immediately began to wonder if he hadn’t been invited over because Hans had come to his senses and realized Malcolm wasn’t for him.

  “Please come in,” Hans said, but he didn’t make any move to kiss or even approach his personal space.

  “What’s going on?” Malcolm asked and checked his watch. “I made a reservation because I thought you wanted to go to dinner, but maybe I should call to cancel it.” He felt gravity squeezing in on all sides.

  Hans nodded and offered to take Malcolm’s coat. He hung it up and led Malcolm into the bright living room. “Would you like a drink?”

  Malcolm noticed the bottles that sat on one of the side tables and wondered just how much Hans had been drinking.

  “I’m fine.” Malcolm wanted to know what was going on. He pulled out his phone, canceled the dinner reservations, and then shoved the phone back into his pocket. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on, or am I supposed to guess?”

  Hans motioned to the chair, and Malcolm sat down, while Hans did the same on the sofa. Malcolm was beginning to get the idea that he needn’t have worried all week about what he was going to do about Hans because this was the end of whatever they’d had between them. Malcolm knew he was jumping to a conclusion, but it seemed like a good one.

  “I’m not sure how to say this.”

  “Okay, I can make it easy on you. I understand that you don’t want to date someone as old as I am, and that you don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with you, and that someday you’ll probably get bored with me, so you figure you’ll walk away now before we both get hurt.” He began to get up.

  “No,” Hans said rather frantically. “I wasn’t breaking up with you, though it seems you have a pretty long list of fears.” Hans stood and came closer. “I think we need to talk about what you just said, but I….” Hans paused and sighed. “This is going to freak you out, and I don’t want you to, but I know I have to tell you. I went to the doctor on Tuesday. It was a routine appointment for a physical, and they found something. We’re not sure what it is, but they did a CAT scan and there’s a spot on my lung.” Hans looked scared half to death.

  Deep winter cold shot up Malcolm’s spine, fanning out in tendrils that froze through his veins and threatened to choke off his ability to breathe. Malcolm didn’t remember standing up, but he was halfway across the room to the door before he realized where he was, and he wasn’t sure what he was doing. “Have they done a biopsy?” Malcolm asked, his mouth and tongue bone dry. He’d asked that question before. He’d had this kind of conversation before. It hadn’t ended well at all: months of chemotherapy and watching David get thinner and thinner, more and more frail until he could barely hold his head up or say a word. He couldn’t go through that again.

  “They’re doing it on Monday. The plan is for them to do surgery, see what’s actually there, remove the spot, and biopsy it.”

  His hand shook, and Malcolm slowly walked back toward him and sat down in what felt like slow motion.

  “After that they’ll know what course of treatment I’m going to need.”

  Malcolm was silent. Words escaped him. This hadn’t been anywhere on his radar. Hans was young, too young, for all this. Hell, David had been too young as well. “Did they give you any idea what they think it is?”

  “No. They don’t know, and I’ve been burying myself in my work so I don’t think about it too much.”

  Hans turned toward him, and Malcolm wondered what he could say. He was at a complete loss, and the cold wasn’t going away. It had him firmly in the clutches of an emotional ice age that didn’t appear to be willing to thaw anytime soon.

  “I wasn’t going to tell you until I knew something for sure, but I don’t know how much more not knowing I can handle.” Hans sighed, and Malcolm scooted closer, put his arms around him, and pulled him close.

  Malcolm made some foreign sound deep in his throat. Words were impossible as the lump built to grapefruit size. The déjà vu was nearly overwhelming, and yet he knew he had to be strong and couldn’t let his fear overtake him.

  “I know,” he managed to say.

  “I didn’t want you to have to go through this again. You don’t deserve that, and I was hoping this whole thing would turn out to be nothing, and then we could… I don’t know.” Hans lifted his gaze. “I know you’re scared, and from what you said earlier, you have quite a laundry list of issues, and this is only adding to them.”

  “I don’t know why I let my fear get the better of me.” The things he’d been afraid of before now seemed so stupid. He’d let his imagination run away with him because he thought Hans might get tired of him. Now the same monster that had taken David might take Hans as well. That was worth being afraid of.

  “Did I do something to make you feel that way?” Hans asked, and it took Malcolm a second to realize he was referring to his earlier outburst.

  “I am older than you, and it seems there’s no way I can keep up with you. I don’t dive or jump out of airplanes….”

  “I don’t jump out of airplanes. I’m afraid of heights.”

  “But you go up hills to ski.”

  “That doesn’t seem like heights to me, and I’ve gotten used to it, I guess. The thing is, there’s no way I’m going to jump out of a plane, and I’m not going to get tired of you because you don’t want to ski or dive.”

  “But….”

  “Just get over yourself,” Hans teased. “There are a lot more important things, like the fact that we have fun together and that we’re both willing to try new things. Stagnation is death, and I refuse to be still, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to leave you behind.”

  Malcolm couldn’t believe they were talking about this now. Hans had just told him he might have cancer, and now he was talking about Malcolm’s insecurities.

  “And just for the record, how coul
d I get bored with you?” Hans pulled away and glared at him. “You’re funny and you’re caring. Maybe you’re a little buttoned-up sometimes, but that’s not boring, just stuffy. I can deal with stuffy as long as you let me pull you out of your shell sometimes.”

  Malcolm was really having a tough time understanding how Hans could just let all this go. “What about sex?” Malcolm asked. “I’m older, and you’re going to want more than I can give you. What if I’m too tired, and you…?” He couldn’t say it.

  “I don’t cheat, and you know it. I’ve been on the receiving end of that, and I’d never do that to anyone. And in case you haven’t guessed, I’m not some teenager who’s just one huge set of raging hormones. So you’re a little older than me. Big deal.” Hans twirled his finger in the air. “Sometimes you make the biggest deal of the littlest things, and for the record, all you have to do is tell me if something is bothering you. Holding everything inside isn’t good. We aren’t stupid kids. We can talk to one another.”

  “Fine.” Hans said that the difference in their ages didn’t matter, but words were one thing, actions another. While Malcolm felt a little better about where things stood between them, there was still the fact that Hans might have cancer. How in the hell could he tell Hans that he couldn’t go through all that again?

  “I know what’s going through your head,” Hans said after a while. They’d been sitting quietly, and Malcolm had been wondering what he was going to do.

  “You do?”

  “Sure. And I don’t blame you. After David and everything you did to take care of him, you can’t go through all that again. Why do you think I didn’t tell you right away?”

  “You expected me to walk away,” Malcolm said.

  Hans nodded once. “I still do. This is a lot for me to take on, but I know after what you went through with David, I can’t expect you to willingly go through that again.” Hans reached across the small space that separated them on the sofa and stroked his cheek. “You’re….”

  “I’m just a man, the same as you.” Malcolm wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but Hans thinking he’d leave made him angry, and he could feel his heels digging in. Maybe that was what Hans had wanted and hoped for. Malcolm wasn’t sure, but in a few seconds, without giving it much thought, because he knew if he did, he’d run for the hills, Malcolm shifted closer and held Hans tighter. “And I’m here and I’ll stay here.”

  That felt right, and some of the cold that had gripped him began to melt. He was still scared as hell. He’d finally been willing to open up, and his old enemy, the disease that had taken David from him, had returned and was trying to claim someone else.

  “Are you sure? I won’t blame you if this is too much.” Hans had to be on the edge of an emotional abyss. Malcolm remembered how David had been blindsided and scared out of his wits at this point. The not knowing was always bad, and he and David had ridden a roller coaster of good and bad news for months. Malcolm hoped like hell he didn’t have to go through all that again, but at the moment, he needed to put his fear and worry aside to help Hans.

  “You need to keep calm and try not to worry. I know it’s hard, but until you know for sure, your own imagination is your worst enemy.” He remembered how David had nearly shut down at this point. “There isn’t anything either of us can do right now, so it’s best to try to go on with normal things.” Malcolm heard his own words, but ever since David’s diagnosis, his life had been anything but normal. Still, he knew what he was saying was correct. He just wasn’t sure if he was saying it to reassure Hans or himself. Maybe both of them, if he were honest.

  “How do you suggest doing that?”

  “That’s one question I wish I could answer. David and I worried for days when he was first diagnosed. There were biopsies, treatment plans, and everyone was so optimistic. But this disease has a mind of its own, and sometimes it does what it wants.”

  “That’s so very reassuring,” Hans said.

  “I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to be positive about this. But I will be there, and I’ll do what I can to help you.” He knew he was putting some distance between them, and he didn’t mean to, but he couldn’t help it.

  “Is that all you’ll do?” Hans asked.

  Malcolm closed his eyes, clamping them tightly. “I don’t know if I can do anything more. I did that once before, and look how it turned out.”

  “David died because of his disease. It didn’t have anything to do with you. It wasn’t your bad luck or something.”

  “No, it wasn’t. But it was still hell,” Malcolm said. He opened his eyes when images came to him of David in bed, unable to move because he didn’t have the energy, and Malcolm taking care of him day and night, nurses living with them, and Malcolm feeling guilty every time he left for work because he was afraid that something might happen to David while he was away.

  “Knowing how things turned out, would you change anything? Would you still date and fall in love with him?” Hans asked.

  Without hesitation Malcolm nodded. “Yes. I’d do it all again. The time we had together was so amazing. I’d walk through hell and back for him again and again.”

  Hans sighed. “That’s all I want. Someone willing to do that for me.” Hans stood and shuffled to the other side of the room. “I thought I’d found someone, but you know how that turned out. And then I met you. Yes, I learned that it may have been too soon, and that we’d have to take things slowly, but I saw you in that restaurant with your brother and my pulse raced and my heart pounded in my ears. I saw passion and kindness in your eyes, and I thought you were hot.”

  “Me? Hot?”

  “Yes. You’re hot, and you’re also one hell of a man,” Hans said, poking the air with his finger. “But I guess everyone has their limits, and I just found yours.” He stalked closer. “Malcolm, I understand that you can’t go through this all over again. I really do.” Hans poured a shot of bourbon and downed it in a single gulp. “As usual, my timing really sucks. But I suppose it’s better that something like this happened now rather than later. Like you said earlier, we can go our separate ways without it hurting too damn bad.” He poured another hit of the liquor and drank it.

  “You’re getting drunk,” Malcolm said as gently as he could.

  “Doesn’t matter. At least if I’m drunk I can forget for a few hours that I might have cancer.” He began rocking a little from side to side.

  Malcolm hurried over to Hans and guided him down into one of the chairs. Then he took the glass and went into the kitchen for a glass of water. He handed it to Hans and encouraged him to drink it.

  “I should have known this was too much for you, but I really hoped, you know…?” Hans held the glass in both hands like it would keep him above water. “I fell in love with you,” Hans said. “I didn’t want to. I knew you were still mourning David, but I did anyway. And I was a fool.” He drank the rest of the water.

  Malcolm wanted to tell Hans that he wasn’t a fool, that he hadn’t been the only one going down that road, but he stopped himself cold. He could not let this happen again. He would be there to help Hans as much as he could, because no one should have to go through something like this alone, but he couldn’t get close again. That was more than he could handle.

  “You need to ease off on the drinking and get some food,” Malcolm said as he left to see what was in the kitchen. He found some fixings and made some sandwiches, then brought one in to Hans. He put the plate into his hands and sat next to him. “Eat.”

  Hans picked up the ham sandwich and took a bite. His movements were automatic, and Malcolm doubted he tasted anything. He wasn’t particularly hungry either, but Malcolm ate and worried. Hans was not normally a quiet man. He talked and was open and fun.

  “How is the book coming?” Malcolm asked.

  Hans turned away from where he’d been staring at the wall. “It’s crap. I worked on it all week, and I’m probably going to have to rewrite everything I did because of all this.” Of course, he was a bad jud
ge of his own work, and only a little distance would tell for sure.

  Hans set his plate on the table without looking at it. When he turned to Malcolm, his eyes were flat. Talking about his work and his stories always got Hans excited. He’d light up and forget about almost everything else. Malcolm had to do something. He understood the worry and fear.

  “Damn it,” Malcolm said under his breath. He stood and grabbed the plates, then took them back into the kitchen. He tossed the sandwiches into the trash and then rinsed out all the glasses. He even capped the liquor before opening the closet door and getting Hans’s coat. “Come on.”

  “What? I want to stay here.”

  “Put on the coat. We’re getting out of here. There’s nothing you can do until Monday, so worrying and fixating on it won’t make a damn bit of difference.” He got his own coat, and once Hans was dressed for the cold, he led him out to his car.

  “Where are we going?”

  “First thing, we’re going to have some dinner. I know a nice place with the best cake.” He headed toward the freeway.

  “The same Mexican place?” Hans asked. “I’m really not in the mood to be around people.”

  “We need to eat, and sitting at home is the wrong thing to do. You’re going to have to trust me on this.” He made the turn onto Capitol Drive and continued, catching the lights. “There is nothing scarier than where you are right now. David kept saying that all he wanted was to know. He could deal with anything once he had an answer. Maybe he was right and maybe not, but you have to be feeling the same way.”

  “I don’t know what to feel. I could have cancer, and the person I thought might care for me, doesn’t. Well, not enough.” Hans stared straight ahead, and Malcolm simply drove. They reached the highway, and Malcolm merged onto it, heading toward and then through downtown.

  Hans was wrong—Malcolm did care. In fact, Hans’s words were like a knife to his gut because he truly did care and was falling in love with him. But going through cancer with another loved one was more than he thought he could take. He hated that disease, and it kept taking a toll on his life. Malcolm felt his eyes fill, and then the moisture overflowed, running down his cheeks. He couldn’t stop it and was finding it hard to drive. But he didn’t dare wipe his eyes because he didn’t want Hans to see him like this.