by Roxie Ray
I took the base of my cock in my fist, hissing with pleasure as I squeezed it tight. I imagined how Savii’s fist would fit around it instead. Her slight, delicate fingers would hardly be able to wrap all the way around it. Tiny as she was, if she kneeled before me, my cock would loom overhead, eclipsing the space between my gaze and her own.
Would she gasp in awe when she saw its size, I wondered? It mattered not. This was my fantasy now, and in my fantasy, she moaned wantonly at the sight. Her tongue would stick out, wetting her lips as she drew my tip down to her warm, wet mouth with hunger. And when she sucked me—
I panted, leaning back against the wall of the shower to brace myself. I had barely begun stroking my cock, and already, just at the thought of her, I was so close to spilling my seed.
But this was a fantasy I would only allow myself once. After, there would not be another. I had to make the most of this. I could come to the thought of her once, and then I would have to be done.
I took the tip of my cock in my other fist, stacking my hands on top of each other so I could work my thumb up over the sensitive ridge of my glans. The flat, angled tip of my manhood was just as thick as the rest of me. Would it hurt her, I wondered, if I spread her thighs and pressed it between the lips of her sex?
Not if I could make her wet for me. I had not mated before, but at the very least, I knew that much. My medical studies of the human body had largely been limited by the research Apex had gathered and Haelian had compiled when we first began rescuing Earthan females. My understanding of their sexual organs was narrow…but it was enough. Human females were not so unlike Lunarian females in most ways. I had learned that when I studied the diagrams of their physicality—though, I had not thought then that I would be using them for something so wicked as this.
Over Savii’s entrance would be a bud of pleasure, one I could lap at to send sexual enjoyment shooting through her like wildfire. If I pleased her—and as this was my fantasy, I certainly intended to—she would ready for me. I could tease her with my mouth until my chin became coated in her honey. Unlike her tongue, mine was forked and long. I could slip it inside her, relish her heat as I tasted her need. If I breathed her in, perhaps I could even sense if she was in heat.
In reality, the implant in her arm would prevent me from doing what I truly wanted, but in this fantasy, she could be desperately breedable. I imagined how she might beg me, breathy and sweet or growling and unhinged. I would make her beg for it, I knew. If she was begging for my seed, then I would be free to claim what I desired most of all.
Her body. Her womb. And her heart, soul and spirit along with them. Her breasts would swell with milk once the pregnancy took, announcing to all long before she began to show. I wanted them all to see her and know it: that I had done this to her. I had laid claim to the most perfect creature the universe had ever created, and I had stirred life in her womb with my seed.
Was it wrong, to wish to own her like this? I knew it was. She was not a thing. She was not my possession to take. And yet, if all of the rest of these desires were wrong, it could not hurt to allow myself one more.
I wanted to breed Savii. Claim her as my mate. My wife. Politics, niceties and Lunaria be damned—I wanted every part of her, and in this fantasy, I could finally claim it.
With a grunt, I came to the thought of pleasing her as well. If I could rut her well enough, I knew it could be done. Her sex would spasm around my cock, milking my seed up into her channel until we were both too exhausted and enraptured to fight it any longer. We came together in this fantasy of mine, her nails clawing at my back, my teeth at her throat. But in the fantasy, I did not spend myself with such force that I left rope after rope of my cum clinging to the shower’s far wall.
It was the last imagining I allowed myself: how it would feel to stay inside her, knowing what we had just done. When I finally brought myself to withdraw from her, I would see my seed dripping from the deep pink lips of her sex, the same color as her mouth once I had kissed it raw. I would take a pillow to place beneath her hips to ensure none leaked out, hold her ankles up if I had to.
I would know that she had been bred, and bred well, and then I would lie beside her and breathe a thousand promises for our future into her ear. A wedding. A cub. A life together where no one would ever own her again.
No one but me.
I turned the shower off and panted as my cock finally began to soften. When it lowered against my thigh again, reality finally began to return to me. Along with it came guilt, anger, frustration—even jealousy.
What I had imagined while I stroked myself could never come true. Nothing that I had dreamed up while I luxuriated in ecstasy could ever come true. If it did, war would surely follow. Idria would be furious to know that another human had been claimed. The High Lords would rage over it and the High Ladies would hate me for it. My family would never approve, nor would my generals.
And that was not even taking into account Savii herself. She did not want me in this way. That much had been made perfectly clear today. When she was returned to Earth, she would find a mate of her own kind to marry and bear cubs with. I envied that man with every breath in my lungs and beat of my heart.
This was all I could allow myself. I had put my desires to rest. Now, it could never happen again.
But as I toweled off, I did not feel at rest. My pulse had not yet stopped racing. My cock was spent, but my heart would not yield.
Dread filled me as I realized my folly.
I had not banished my desires for Savii in this endeavor. By allowing myself to imagine her like this, I had only teased myself with the possibility of making it real.
Blood.
Yet another mistake.
I dressed in my off-duty clothes: a clean pair of trousers, a fresh shirt, boots and a belt. I could not handle the thought of donning my lab coat again. I had failed Savii not only as a friend, but as a healer as well.
My destination was the viewing deck. Sometimes, looking at the stars could help me clear my head. I knew our course was set for Nightmoor, which would leave the stars in the distance further away and more far between, but sometimes, it was not only the pinpricks of light moving past that helped me think. It was the darkness, too, rich black velvet space with no end.
I stared off into it for a long while, letting the thoughts slip away from my mind and the spaces between them to take hold instead. I had been taught this during my time in the fighting pits as a cub and had used it as both a warrior and a healer since. When the mind was empty of conscious thought, instinct was free to take over. There were intrinsic truths built in each of us, each of them telling of who we truly were. When faced with a challenge, were you a warrior who would stand and fight, or a coward who would flee as soon as the opportunity arose? I knew the answer to that one already: I would fight, to the death if I had to. Luckily, in my experience, the death I was fighting to was generally not my own.
It was not the only question that a clear mind could answer, though. In surgery, I had learned that I was not one to act sloppily in haste when the situation called for keeping a steady hand. When a patient lashed out at me, a clear mind had taught me that I was one to act in compassion instead of responding in anger. And on the battlefield, when faced with almost certain death, I had found that I was not one to shut down and quietly accept my fate. If I died, I knew I would not die willingly or easily. I would die on my feet, with my boots laced, a snarl on my lips, and my blaster blazing in my hand.
Savii, I knew, must have met these challenges too. I only wished that her battles could have been so easily fought as my own. Robbed of her agency, the choices she had been forced to make had been harder ones. Would she die defiant and proud, or would she give in to live another day when she might be more able to take her revenge? The possibility of a glorious, valiant death had been denied to her entirely. I was proud for her, that she had made the choices she had made. She had sacrificed her pride in order to live on and fight another day, but what us
e was pride when one was dead? If she had not given in to the Rutharians who held her captive, she would have never made it here to this ship. She and I would have never met.
And I would have tangled with my current predicament a thousand times and a thousand more, I knew, as long as I knew that she would live.
Unfortunately, it did not make the inner truth I was seeking any easier to bear. My question was simple: was I the kind of warrior who followed my heart, knowing that it would bring me and everyone I loved to ruin? Or was I the kind of warrior who could betray my own desires, knowing that in refusing my own needs, it would keep all that I cared for safe?
Before meeting Savii, I would have been so certain that I was the latter. Duty had never felt like a heavy burden for me. Despite the way my parents vexed me, I knew my place in the world and how to move through it with honor. Had I not, I never would have become a healer in the first place. It made me a better leader—and a more compassionate one at that.
But now…
I chuckled as I reminded myself of reality once more. No matter how my fantasies played out, Savii did not want me anyway. In the end, it did not matter whether I chose with my heart, or with my head.
I was not the kind of male who claimed females who did not give themselves willingly. I did not need to mediate on my own nature to know that.
“Coplan?”
I turned, surprised. I had not heard the elevator to the viewing deck arrive, nor the approaching footsteps of the person it had carried.
And of course, that person was among the last I needed to see right now.
“Savii. I am…sorry. I did not hear you approach.” I took two steps back from her. If I was close enough to breathe in her scent, I feared what visions my mind would conjure then— clear or not.
“It’s okay. I, um…Yeah, I honestly didn’t expect that anyone else would be up here.” Savii pressed her palms up against the glass wall and stared out to the stars, as I had been doing only a moment ago. “It’s late, and I couldn’t sleep, and I just thought…maybe it’d be easier to think up here.”
I almost chuckled. “I had the same idea.”
“Yeah?” She moved a little closer to me. I had to stop myself from instinctively taking another step away. “What are you thinking about.”
My mind raced. The truth was…incriminating at best. Should I lie?
“You, actually,” I said honestly. “I have been considering… Well, given the discomfort you must be feeling around me right now, it would likely be best to hand your case over to Head Healer Adskow. If we come into battle, he will not be as free to help you as I have been, but unless it comes to that, he will be a much more capable healer for you than I have been.”
“Oh,” she said softly. Hearing that sound again nearly broke my heart. “I mean…I’m embarrassed, yeah, but I’m not uncomfortable around you. When I saw you up here, I thought maybe I could say sorry and make things better. I can’t imagine how uncomfortable you must be around me right now.”
I frowned in confusion. “Me, uncomfortable? I am embarrassed myself, to tell you the truth—but uncomfortable, no. What reason would I have, when I am the one in the wrong?”
“Coplan…” Savii sighed and looked away. “You don’t have to do this noble warrior thing. I made the mistake, not you. I’m the one who screwed up. If I had known that by throwing myself at you like that, I’d put the position of everyone here on the ship at risk…”
“You mean when I threw myself at you,” I corrected her. “I know you have been through much, Savii, but just because a male makes an advance on you does not mean you have done something wrong. I am the one to blame here. Not you.”
“But I—” Savii paused and looked at me curiously. “What do you mean, that you made an advance on me? I thought—”
“Because I did,” I explained hastily. “In front of your room, when I nearly kissed you—”
“When I nearly kissed you, you mean.” Savii furrowed her brow. “Remember? Then you ran away—”
“Because I was ashamed of myself for forcing myself upon you!” I could not help but raise my voice. Why was she being so ridiculous?
“No, because you were upset at me for coming onto you when you knew it would make things bad for everyone else here.” Savii put her hands on her hips and spoke scoldingly to me. “I talked to Gallix and Ronan and Leonix, Coplan. They told me about the political situation on Lunaria, how important it is that I get better so I can be sent home. You should have warned me that I couldn’t…couldn’t be into you. If I’d known, I would have never—”
“But you are not into me!” Now, I was shouting. If Savii had flinched, I might have quieted myself, but she did not, and so I did not lower my voice. “I forced myself upon you, and you, vringna, are insisting on taking the blame upon yourself, though I do not understand—”
“I like you, you dumb baz-terd!” she shouted back at me. “I like you, and so I tried to kiss you, and I screwed everything up in the process! I know you think I’m too stupid to understand politics, but—”
“I never called you stupid.”
“But you implied it! If you would have just explained to me why what I did was wrong—”
“You did not do anything!” I leaned into my anger, shouting down at her like she was a child. She was certainly behaving like one. “I was the aggressor. I was the one who took advantage. You…you have done nothing, Savii, and I will not have you implying that you have when you are completely—”
Innocent was the word on my lips when she grabbed my collar and pulled me down to kiss her. Her mouth was warm and soft—at least, until her lips moved against mine, becoming firm in an instant. She was a ripe gilly-fruit pressed to my mouth, begging to be bitten into, relished, savored and enjoyed.
But…how? How could she want me, when I had behaved so terribly toward her? How could I enjoy what I so desperately wanted, even when it was being thrust to my lips with willingness, when every life on this ship depended on my ability to restrain myself?
Only a moment, a hungry voice in my head spoke to me. Enjoy it for the moment. You will never have it again.
It had been an ill plan earlier, when I had stroked myself to orgasm to the thought of Savii, and it was an ill plan now. But that hunger inside of me took hold, more ravenous than I had ever imagined possible, and despite my better judgment…
I gave in.
I accepted what she gave me.
I took what I wanted from her in return.
My arms encircled her, clutching her tightly, drawing her body to mine. I lifted her up off her feet to kiss her more easily. She clung to my collar still as her legs wrapped around my waist, holding me tight. I pressed her against the glass of the viewing deck, imagining if we could have been other people, in another place, under different circumstances…different lives, different realities, in a different time. The night sprawled out at her back like a bed of distant stars, one that I might lay her down in so I could claim her as I wished. My cock throbbed, stiff as ever, as her tongue slipped between my lips and I tasted her for the first time: sweet, fresh and addictive. Her hips moved against mine, making my balls ache as though they had never been emptied once in my life—and never mind that I had spilled my seed for her less than an hour before.
Yes, I wanted her.
Yes, I needed her.
But no—I could not have her.
Not like this.
Not ever.
“Savii.” I breathed her name against her lips as I pulled away. She must have seen the look of desperation on my face, because she leaned forward again, her mouth brushing against mine like she was starving for more of me. But no. There was no more I could rightfully take. No more I could give. I pulled away again, and my heart crushed inward inside my chest as I did it. “Savii. No.”
“But…you said—” Her face fell as I lowered her gently to her feet once more.
“Never mind what I said. Leonix, Gallix, Ronan—they told you the score here, and
I have known it all along.” I let my hands slip away from her body, even though all they wanted to do was tear her clothes off so they could caress her bare skin. “When I thought you did not want me back, I believed it would be easier…but no. This is…this is harder than I could have ever believed possible.”
“You’re telling me.” Savii’s eyes were on the lap of my trousers. My cock leapt up as though it wished to burst straight through the fabric now that it knew it had her gaze.
“That…ah. Forgive me.” My cheeks burned as I flexed my thighs, willing my cock to stop swelling at the sight of her. But in my wildest imaginings, even then she had not looked this good. Her breasts were covered under the modest top Leonix must have found for her, but I could still see their shape as they rose and fell with her every breath. Her slender waist was accentuated by the high trousers she wore, but the opaque fabric could not betray the wideness of her hips and the gorgeous curves of her thighs. Her lips were flushed from our kiss and her eyes were dark with longing. Longing for me. She was radiant, and it was far too much to bear. Like staring directly into the flames of the inferno I was feeding by even considering taking her for my own. Like looking straight into the sun. “Savii…we cannot continue this. I will not allow history to repeat itself.”
“I…I can accept that.” She bowed her head and rubbed at her eyes. Her dark hair fell around her face like a veil, concealing her from me, but I knew what it was hiding: tears. Tears that I had caused. “I just…I wanted to know for sure.”
“Know what? That I am truly a baz-terd, a traitor who would trade the good of this ship for just a moment spent in your embrace?”
“You’re not a baz-terd, Coplan. I just…” She sniffed and rubbed away more tears. As if my heart wasn’t broken enough already—now, it was shattered into stardust. “I wanted to know that I could still be worth wanting by someone like you. That I wasn’t…ruined. Disgusting. That I could still be desirable, even though—”