by Roxie Ray
The elevator doors opened and Leonix led me out of them.
“It’s true, then. No one’s even noticed that we’re gone.” It hurt worse to hear it from Leonix than it had from Daran. She didn’t have any reason to lie.
“There have been inquiries from your followers, but no one has reported you missing yet. Your media pages have been updated to inform your fans that you are taking a mental health break.” Leonix’s voice became thinner. “More recently, there has been a post informing your people that you will be back soon with…how did they put it? Big news.”
“So…someone knows that Atlanta and I are coming back. They’re counting on it.” That was a relief—sort of, I guessed. But what Leonix had just told me was raising more questions than the ones it had answered. “What kind of big news, though? Earth doesn’t exactly know about aliens—or at least, if the governments know, they haven’t told anyone else. There have always been rumors that the sectors have some kind of military base involving alien business in Sector Seven…but most people don’t even think Sector Seven even exists.”
“Yes. Something strange is going on here.” Leonix took a turn down a corridor. Every time I glanced over at her, she looked more and more grim. “I know it is terrible, but…is it possible that your parents or government would have knowingly allowed you to be abducted?”
“Um.” My chest suddenly felt tight and my throat felt tighter. I knew the answer to that. I just hadn’t considered the possibility before now. “If they thought there was something to be gained from it for themselves…yeah. Of course they would.”
“I am sorry to hear that.” Leonix sounded like she meant it, too. “I will relate that to the generals. Apex, the specter that is loyal to our cause, may be able to look into it. Until then, Savii…you must be careful here on the ship. Especially around Daran.”
“Yeah. I won’t make the mistake of getting anywhere near that creep again.”
“Good. He is loyal to Lady Idria, and no matter what they claim, it is not your best interests they have at heart. Only their own.” We came to a door and Leonix pulled out a small card that fit in her palm. When she waved it over the door, it opened, revealing a small but comfortable-looking suite with a kitchenette, a living room, and a separate bedroom. “But never mind that for now. Welcome to your new quarters, Savii. If you have any possessions—”
“Oh.” I didn’t have any possessions here on the ship—save for one. But when I touched my neck, I realized that the necklace Coplan had given me was gone. Maybe it had fallen off while I was asleep? Which was probably for the best. I couldn’t imagine the things Daran would have said to me if he’d seen Coplan’s house sigil hanging from my neck. “I had a, um, a necklace. It must be back in the medical bay, I guess.”
“I will send someone back to your room to retrieve it for you.” Leonix held the keycard out to me. “Until then, it may be in your best interest to stay in your room for a little while. I do not want you to run into Daran again anytime soon, and without this key, no one else will be able to enter save for yourself. You will be safe here. From everyone.”
I took the keycard from her and stepped into my new accommodations, but if I was being honest, everything I’d just learned had left me completely unsettled.
I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to really feel safe again.
12
Coplan
If I thought it would be easy to stay away from her, I was wrong.
Physically, yes, I could avoid her room. I could send Adskow to check on her instead of doing so myself. He would take her weight, her temperature, ensure that her ribs had mended properly, and her body was regaining strength. I did not have to see her, be near her, or breathe in the sweetness of her scent.
But that did not mean she was gone from me. When I allowed my mind to wander, somehow it always found her with a concerning amount of ease. She was the focal point of my thoughts, and no matter how I tried to distract myself, even when I was concentrating, I could not push her out entirely. My brain did not wish to concentrate. It only wanted to daydream, fantasize, recall every little detail of the time I had spent with her and hold tight to even the smallest of memories like I was drowning and she was a life-saving piece of driftwood, keeping me afloat in a stormy sea.
I was falling in love with her, even in her absence. It was a concept that should have left me joyous, but instead only made me afraid of who I had become. If I allowed myself to feel these things, the racing in my heart and almost pleasant queasiness in my stomach, I knew I would never come out of it. I would never be free. Worse, with every passing moment I was beginning to resent the idea of freedom more and more.
Was I really free without her? I was a slave to my position, the cause of this ship, my responsibility to my family and my people. That was not freedom. Just a different type of bondage.
Would it not be more pleasant to be bound to Savii instead?
As I finished up the bedpans and moved through the rest of my rounds for the day, I found myself wishing for just a glimpse of her. Perhaps I would spy her exiting her room to go to the canteen, or barring that, I could find some reason—any reason—to go to her room just for one last moment, one final exchange. But when I finally broke down and knocked on her door, there was no answer. I rushed in, fearing that she had taken ill or done something rash, only to discover that the room was empty.
Savii’s papers confirmed for me what I feared. She had been discharged. She was gone.
I had known for some time now that this day was coming. A discharge was a good thing, I always reasoned. It meant that the patient had been healed and was able to move on with their life. When Savii’s sister was recovered, perhaps I would see her a few more times while I treated Atlanta’s wounds…
But when Atlanta was healed, I knew how Savii and I would part for the last time. For forever. I would administer the shot of serum that would erase both of their memories. When it was over, Savii would be sedated and returned to Earth with no recollection of me. No remembrances of my transgressions. Those stolen kisses we had shared would be removed from her mind entirely, and she would never think of me again.
In that, I almost envied her.
I would never stop thinking about her. She would forget me entirely, but not a day would pass when she would not cross my mind.
I took a tall stack of freshly folded sheets from the laundry to the supply closet. On Lunaria, a noble of my station would have never stooped so low as to wash bedclothes, but here on the ship, it was a useful way of spending my time. If I could have chopped wood or plowed fields instead, I would have done so happily. I only sought to burn energy now, for it was becoming late and I was not looking forward to the prospect of a sleepless night thinking of Savii, only to finally drift off so she could haunt my dreams.
I sighed as my feet made up my mind for me. With the sheets put away, they were already taking me to her room, and I did not wish to deny them their chosen path.
Seeing her empty room one more time might at least give me a sense of finality about it all. I was sure that if I could just accept that she was gone, life could go back to the way it had been before she had arrived.
But instead, as I stared at the emptiness of the room, all I felt was a strange sense of loss. Savii’s discharge meant that her return to Earth was quickly approaching. When she and Atlanta could be reunited, she would be truly gone from me forever. All of her memories of me would be taken from her as well.
But for me, life would never truly return to normal ever again. Not while her memories still lingered with me.
She would forget me, but I would never forget her.
My eyes caught something glimmering on the floor between the head of the bed and the wall. A small thing, something the cleaners that had readied the room for its next occupant must have missed. When I stooped to pick it up, my heart sank even more.
It was the pendant I had given her. Surely she hadn’t left it behind intentionally?
If
she had, then I imagined she would have left it somewhere more obvious than here on the floor.
She must have lost it, I determined. Yes— misplaced it by accident. I was certain that was the case.
And if it was missing from her unintentionally…
I smiled and clenched the pendant in my hand.
Then surely she would want it back.
“Coplan?” Savii yawned and rubbed her eyes as she opened the door to her new room. I had been forced to inquire with Leonix where Savii had been placed, which had been embarrassing. But when I mentioned the necklace without specifying exactly what it was, Leonix had been understanding. My supposition had been correct. Savii missed it. And as I held it in my fist, I could almost feel in the sigil-marked stone that it had missed her too.
“Hello, Savii.” She wore a nightgown of silken, shimmering fabric, long and white. It was thin enough and clung to her body in such a way, I had to grit my teeth to stop myself from staring. “Are you, ah…well?”
“I’m…okay, yeah. Just tired, but I guess it’s late enough…” Savii blinked. “Um…I don’t mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?”
“I, ah…” I knew the answer to her question. Or at least, I had known it a moment ago. But seeing her like this, tired with dark circles beneath her eyes and her long, dark hair spilling over her shoulders in messy waves, I forgot myself. I stared. Even freshly awakened in the middle of the night, she was the most perfect thing I had ever seen.
“Coplan? Is everything okay?”
“Yes. Of course. My apologies, Savii.” I blinked, nodded and reached into my pocket to give her the pendant that I had found on the floor. I held it out to her by its chain. “You left this in your room in the medical bay. Of course, if you do not wish to keep it—”
“What? No! Of course I do.” Savii reached out for it immediately. She cradled it in her palms like a baby chickling and brought it to her lips to kiss. “I couldn’t find it when I switched rooms. I thought I must have lost it, and since it’s the only thing I’ll have from you…”
“I am…glad that I brought it to you, then.” My heart fell when I saw the sadness on her face. It was crushing to know that I had caused her so much grief, and I felt even worse for being able to do nothing to remedy it. This was not a thing I could heal. “It suits you. I wanted you to have it.”
“Will you put it on me?” Savii handed me the pendant back and turned around. With a sweeping motion, she moved her hair away from the nape of her neck and piled it on top of her head.
I hesitated for only a moment before placing the necklace around her neck and joining the clasp to lock it into place. “There. Back where it belongs.”
“Thanks to you.” The pendant lay between the small mounds of her breasts, weighing down her nightgown so it clung to her form. I had to tear my eyes away so I did not find myself staring again. “Do you think they’ll let me keep it?”
“What do you mean?”
“When they, you know, erase my memory, send me back to Earth.” Savii ran her thumb over the pendant and sighed. “I know they probably won’t. As soon as Atlanta is safe, this will all be over. It would have just been nice if I could have had something to remember you by.”
“Perhaps forgetting will be a blessing.” I chose my words with care. I was touched that she mourned the loss of me from her memories, but I also knew it was for the best. “You will no longer remember your hardships among the Rutharians. You will be free.”
“I don’t know about…free, necessarily.” Savii glanced up and down the hallway behind me, then moved backward. “Do you want to come in? There’s something that I’d kind of like to ask you.”
“I, ah…” Of course I wanted to, but given what had happened the last time I had allowed myself to speak with Savii in private… “I am not sure that would be wise.”
“I’m not going to throw myself at you again, Coplan. I promise.” She bit her lip. “It’s just…I don’t want anyone else hearing this, and I kind of get the feeling I might be being watched. Please?”
“If it will make you more comfortable.” I stepped inside the room and allowed her to close the door behind me. So far, her suite looked largely untouched, but I supposed that was natural. It was not as if she had many possessions to her name to scatter about the space. “Who do you believe has been watching you?”
“Daran, for one.” Savii hugged her arms around herself tight. “I ran into him on the viewing deck. He gave me the creeps. I think, he, um… I think he knows about you and me. The kiss, I mean. He kind of made it sound like he did.”
I groaned as I pulled back a chair at Savii’s dining table and sat on it. “That sounds like Daran. But you should not worry, Savii. I have accepted that you must be returned to your home world, as have you. As soon as possible, your memory of me will be removed completely. As long as you are returned to Earth safely, there is not much that Daran can do.”
“Right. Of course.” Savii glanced at the chair across from me but chose to lean up against the table’s edge instead. Part of me wished she had simply sat down. So close to me like this, her entire body was on view. Her nipples were hard little nubs beneath the shimmering fabric of her nightgown. The cloth clung to her every curve like water over sculpted stone. “But if I haven’t completely worked through my trauma… The terrors and everything, you know… wiping my memory won’t take them, right? You told me that yourself.”
“That is true,” I said slowly with a small nod. “But you have been making great progress. I have seen proof of that myself. Do you worry that you are still repressing things?”
“A little,” she admitted. Her fingers did not leave my pendant. It shone silver beneath her thumb as she stroked it, up and down, up and down. “But I’m more worried about…um, I was a virgin on Earth, Coplan. Before I was kidnapped, I’d never been with a man before. And if something goes wrong with the memory wipe, or if I realize some other way that…that I’m not exactly virginal anymore…”
“You are concerned that it will affect your sexual wellbeing.” I smoothed my thumb along my jawline. “That would be a problem, yes.”
“It’s not so much that. I mean, I was probably going to be married off to some creepy old man on Earth anyway. Based on some of the things Leonix told me about how my disappearance hasn’t been reported on Earth and knowing how my parents are…that’s probably going to happen sooner rather than later when I get back.”
“I can understand that.” More than Savii could have known, in fact. “When my mission aboard this ship is done, the same will likely be required of me upon my return to Lunaria. There are not many females left among our species, but what few there are will be married off to the heirs of the High Houses. I will not be allowed to choose my own mate either.”
“That sucks.” Savii bowed her head, staring down at my pendant. “For both of us. But… Okay, this might sound stupid, and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way—”
“We cannot run away together, Savii,” I reminded her. “Just because we do not like our fates does not mean we can outrun them.”
“No, I wasn’t going to suggest that. Just…” Savii dropped the pendant and reached out to take my hand in hers. Her touch was gentle and tentative, but when I did not pull away, she squeezed my fingers with a little more strength as her eyes met mine. “I don’t want my only experiences of sex to be with Rutharians and some perverted old man who doesn’t love me, Coplan. You can understand that, right?”
I breathed in sharply through my teeth. My cock was already swelling. I had a feeling I knew where this was going, I was simply not sure that it was a place I could follow her to.
“Savii…I understand what you are saying, but what you are suggesting would be wrong. You are not my mate, and I…” I sighed. “I have never mated either. It would not have been right. Sharing that kind of intimacy…it is a thing best saved for the person you will spend the rest of your life with.”
“And you think you’ll love yo
ur wife? Whatever Lunarian woman you end up matched up with, whether you choose her or not?” Savii’s voice was rising, but she stopped herself before she got too loud. “I’m sorry. That was mean of me. I’m only trying to say…I like you, Coplan. A lot. You’re on my mind so often, and while I can admit that I don’t know you that well…You’ve been generous with me. You’ve been good and kind, and you’re…” She laughed, shaking her head. “You’re very handsome, Coplan. I’m attracted to you. When you kissed me on the viewing deck the other night, my whole body felt like it was on fire. The good kind. No one has ever made me feel like that before. And if I’m going to lose all memory of you anyway… I’m scared that I’ll never feel that way again.”
“Savii…” I squeezed her hand tight. My cock leapt up in my trousers as she squeezed back. She burned for me…and, moons, I burned for her too. “So much has been taken from you. This, what you are proposing…I am your healer, and you are still so vulnerable. I would be taking advantage.”
“You’re not my healer anymore. I’ve been discharged. And besides…” Her hand slid up my arm. “I’m asking you, Coplan. Not the other way around. You can’t take advantage of me. No one is ever taking advantage of me ever again.”
Her words were so certain. They were just as bewitching as the rest of her. Of course they were. She was offering herself to me, and to take her up on that offer was something I wanted with every fiber of my being.
But as much as I believed her profession that she would not be taken advantage of, there was nonetheless a power imbalance between us that I could not ignore. She had opened up to me about her traumas, her worries, her fears and concerns. It was a great privilege to know her in such a way, but that made her unguarded to me in a way I feared taking advantage of. Not defenseless, but undefended. More so than she was willing to admit.