No Going Back

by Dani Matthews

  Copyright

  No Going Back

  Copyright© 2018 by Dani Matthews

  All rights reserved.

  This book is meant for entertainment purposes only. Names, characters, and events are all products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons or events is purely coincidental. All comments and conversations written within these pages are part of a fictional story and are not meant to be taken in the literal sense. This book may not be reproduced or distributed in any format without the permission of the author. The author acknowledges the trademarked status of products referred to in this book. Trademarks have been used without permission.

  Table of Contents

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Nineteen

  Twenty

  Twenty-one

  Twenty-two

  Twenty-three

  Twenty-four

  Twenty-five

  Twenty-six

  Twenty-seven

  Twenty-eight

  Twenty-nine

  Thirty

  Thirty-one

  One

  Quinn

  It’s official.

  I’m twenty-one years old, and I no longer need to rely on Colt’s friends or my fake ID to get into bars. I always thought I’d be more excited to finally reach this milestone, but the enthusiasm is elusive tonight.

  It’s hard to celebrate when Colt’s across the bar hitting on the young, pretty blonde who’d walked in a short time ago, two friends trailing in her wake. Even as I laugh at Beck’s crude joke, her image is imprinted into my mind. She’s Colt’s type. Blonde, busty, and looking for a good time.

  Shit. This isn’t how I’d envisioned this evening, but I should have known.

  I’d spent my teen years growing up with Colt and the twins—Gabe and Channing. We’d stayed with the same foster family right up to graduation, and then we’d inevitably followed Colt when he’d moved out here to Riverside, California. Colt’s a few years older than us all, making him twenty-four. He’s the eldest, and in a way, we’ve always looked up to him because of this.

  Now we’re all adults, and I’ve found myself in a bit of a predicament. During my teen years, I hadn’t thought of Colt as anything other than an annoying older brother.

  Somehow, in the past year, that’s all changed.

  An intense attraction has developed, and now I feel tortured every time I see him with another woman. Unfortunately, that torture is never-ending, because he’s the worst kind of manwhore. I know it all stems from his rough childhood, but it’s tearing me apart inside.

  I’m not stupid, and I’d quit lying to myself a long time ago. I’m in love with him. As if my mind wants to prolong the pain, my eyes once again slide to the subject of my thoughts.

  He’s hotter than Hades.

  His hair is almost black, and he keeps it cut short while allowing a little scruff to line his jaw from time to time. I love it when he skips shaving since it makes him look even more sinful than usual. And those eyes…they’re hazel, but damn, they can be moody and simmering hot all at the same time. Lately, every time those eyes fixate on me, my lower stomach quivers and I helplessly envision what he looks like when he’s fucking someone.

  My eyes slide down his body. He’s tall, almost too tall compared to my small stature since I barely reach five-foot-three. However, I’ve got a thing for tall men, so his six-four height just adds to his appeal. Tonight, his dark gray shirt hugs his broad shoulders, and his well-defined abs are outlined beneath the fabric. The tattoos darkening both arms are noticeable in the lights, adding to his bad boy appearance. Toss in the way he fills out his jeans…

  I abruptly turn away and knock back the shot that someone just placed in front of me. I typically don’t drink much since I have a natural high for life. Many times, I’ve been called impulsive—even unstable, but I prefer adventurous. Right this very minute, I’m dying. We’re all dying. Every minute is a minute we can’t get back, and it edges us closer to the end of our life—our last breath. I’m not going to apologize for enjoying every moment that I have left.

  My eyes shift to our group still lingering in the booth that we’d snagged earlier. It’s a bit of a tight fit since the circular booth isn’t all that big, so Ash is sitting on Channing’s lap. She’s snickering at whatever Sebastian—who’s sitting beside Channing—had said to her, and her eyes flicker towards Harper, whose lips have turned up in an amused smile.

  A heaviness settles in my gut as I gaze at the cast on Harper’s left arm. Not long ago, I’d nearly lost my best friend to a madman. She’d come so close, and not only had she almost lost her life, another acquaintance had lost hers.

  Life’s fucking short as hell.

  Maybe that’s why Slade is so appealing these days. He’s fascinating, and I feel wired and alive when I’m with him. Plus, my feelings for Colt are tolerable because Slade eases the tension for me. When I’m wound tight with frustration, Slade takes it all away.

  “Happy Birthday, kiddo.”

  I look up to see that Gabe has arrived. When it comes to birthdays, we celebrate the night of, not the weekend after the special day. Birthdays mean too much to us. Growing up unwanted has cemented a strong connection between the four of us.

  I make a face at him for calling me ‘kiddo’ but don’t bother to complain as I turn and accept his hug. He’s a paramedic and just came off his shift. He gives me an affectionate squeeze and then pulls back so he can peer down at me, his gray eyes amused. “Another year wiser, you think?”

  “Ha. We all know that doesn’t pertain to me,” I say with a laugh.

  “We’ll keep praying,” he deadpans.

  I smack his shoulder. “Someone needs to keep you all on your toes now that you’re all settling down like old folks.”

  He laughs and leans down, pressing a brotherly kiss to my forehead. “You’ll get yours eventually.”

  “Maybe when I’m old as dirt.”

  Gabe just shakes his head and moves to the booth. When Harper spies him, her green eyes light up as he makes his way over to her. After he sits down, he carefully pulls her onto his lap. Her head bends towards his, and he places a loving kiss on her lips.

  Envy filters through my veins, and I decide I need a break from all the displays of affection.

  The music had gotten louder with a new song, and I lean into Remington, a good friend of Sebastian’s, who’s standing beside me. There isn’t enough room in the booth, and I’ve been lingering on the outside and swaying to the music. I tell him I’ll be back, and when he nods that he’d heard me, I turn and make my way through the crowd. The bar is packed tonight. Usually, it’s not this busy, but there looks to be a few bachelorette parties present.

  When I enter the small, three-stall bathroom, the music becomes muffled. After I lock myself in the nearest stall, I stand there, exhaling. I need to compose myself before I go back out there.

  Colt will never be mine, and I need to come to terms with that knowledge. I’ve always known that. Not only will he likely never see me in any other way than sisterly, but he won’t ever settle down with anyone—not even the pretty blondes he tends to chase after. His past makes it impossible for him to attain a normal relationship like Channing and Gabe have managed to find with their girlfriends. Colt’s determined to never feel anything for anyone except for what he feels for Gabe, Channing, and me. We’re safe
because we’re considered family. Anything beyond that is off limits.

  We’re all messed up in some way. Being abandoned will do that to a child. The four of us have been together since our early teen years when we’d all found ourselves staying with the Thompson’s, the family that had fostered us. Those years were certainly interesting, and not all of them easy, but Gabe and Channing have managed to work past their issues to find true happiness. I envy them, because I don’t know if I’ll ever have that for myself. It’s impossible for me to trust anyone but the men I’d grown up with. Of course I trust Harper, and now Ash has been inducted into our inner circle. Beyond that, I hold myself back emotionally.

  Now physically is another story. I can give myself away physically, because sex is damned good when done right. Emotions don’t need to be involved to enjoy someone’s body. That’s why Slade is perfect. He wants nothing from me but my body, and all I want is a good orgasm while I try to put Colt out of my head.

  I need Slade tonight.

  I dig my phone from the small purse that I’ve kept crisscrossed over my chest all evening, and I bring up my text messages. A few weeks back, we’d exchanged phone numbers when we’d both realized the sex is definitely something that’s going to continue for a while. And no, we’re not ‘seeing’ each other. I drop by his place for sex, and then I leave. Unless I’m too exhausted to leave, then I pass out for a while, and then leave. The man is a freak in bed, and I love it. I like that it’s good and yet unsettling…in a weird way.

  I quickly send, Fuck me to oblivion tonight.

  It takes about a minute for him to reply. Now?

  In about an hour. I’m busy right now, I send and then slip the phone back in the purse. Knowing that I have Slade to look forward to will make the rest of this evening more bearable.

  When I exit the stall, Ash happens to be entering the restroom. Her brown eyes brighten when she sees me. “There you are. Come dance with me.”

  “Give me a sec.” I turn to the sink and wash my hands. Ash has been such a fun woman to get to know, and I am honestly happy for her and Channing. They’d started out with some hurdles to deal with, but now they’re in a wonderful place, and I like that they’re happy.

  I peer at her as I dry my hands. Her long, dark hair is falling down her back tonight, and she’s wearing a red minidress that’s hugging her curves. The lipstick she’d had on earlier is long gone, and her lips look swollen.

  I grin at her. “You guys can bail when you’re ready.”

  She frowns. “Why would we bail?”

  “I can think of plenty of reasons,” I say suggestively.

  A low laugh escapes her. “I’m drawing out the torture.”

  “Make him work for it,” I agree with a snicker.

  “That’s the plan.”

  We exit the restroom, and I avoid looking Colt’s way, knowing he’s still likely with the blonde and her friends. Instead, I allow Ash to lead me to the small dance floor, and I try to brush off my turbulent emotions.

  After about another hour, the celebration begins to wind down. Colt had already taken off with the blonde, and Rem and Beck had found their own hookups for the night.

  Gabe hadn’t planned on drinking tonight, so he’s the designated driver for most of us who’d taken cabs. “Ready?” he asks me, pulling out his keys as we stand beside the booth.

  I shake my head. “I’ll take a cab.”

  He frowns, but Harper snuggles into his side. “She has plans,” she tells him, correctly assuming that I’m going to see Slade. I haven’t shared much about him with Ash and Harper, but I know they’re curious.

  He nods and draws me to him, giving me another hug. “Happy Birthday,” he murmurs.

  “Thank you.”

  Channing hugs me as well, and then we all leave the bar and part ways. While they walk to Gabe’s car, I make my way to the front sidewalk and wait to hail a cab.

  Once I flag one down, I settle into the backseat and feel the familiar apprehension creeping up on me. If Slade looked like anyone else, this wouldn’t feel so sneaky. What the others don’t know is that Slade is almost exactly the spitting image of Colt. It’s eerie how alike they look, though I’m certain they aren’t related. Slade just happens to be tall, muscular, and tattooed. His hair is just as dark as Colt’s, though it is slightly longer—but not by much. Instead of hazel eyes, he has light brown, but they’re still similar enough that Slade satisfies my desire for Colt.

  My face begins to heat. If anyone ever finds out what Slade looks like, they’ll immediately know that it isn’t Slade I’m interested in, but Colt. It’s why I’ve been keeping Slade a secret. I don’t ever want to lose Colt, and even though I long for him, I’ll take him any way I can get him—which means being the sister that he’s grown to love.

  There’s just one problem.

  Honesty is a huge part of our relationship. The four of us, we grew into adulthood never keeping secrets from one another. We all know each other’s history; what makes us tick, what has cut us deeply, what haunts us in our dreams at night. We know everything.

  This is one secret I can’t afford for them to find out. That means this thing with Slade is going to have to end…sooner rather than later. Gabe has already begun to show his suspicions, and so have Ash and Harper.

  The cab pulls up in front of the bar that Slade works at. He also happens to be renting the single apartment on the second floor. After I pay the driver, I walk into the bar. It’s not my usual scene. There are no college students here. Just older men or people looking for trouble. I’d wandered in here one night by accident, and the second I’d laid eyes on Slade, I’d known that I had to have him.

  I ignore the crude remark a bearded guy makes as I walk past him and his friends. As I pass by the bar, I note that Slade is nowhere to be seen, which means he’s already waiting for me. In the past, if I happened to drop by during his shift, one of the other bartenders covered for him.

  I pass by a couple making out in the hallway and slip through the ‘employees only’ door. I enter a hall, and it leads to the office, and beyond that is a stairwell that goes to the apartment above. A back exit is located near the base of the stairs, but it’s locked unless you’re going out. It’s just easier to enter the bar and go on up this way.

  The loud rock music from the bar fades as I carefully navigate the stairs in my high heels. A different type of music greets me as I approach the door at the top of the stairwell. Loud bass is throbbing from within the apartment, warning me that Slade is in one of his moods.

  The knowledge has adrenaline spiking throughout my body. I never know what Slade is going to want or what I’m walking into. I don’t typically let anyone control the sex, but sometimes, it’s hot as hell letting Slade decide what and how we’re spending our time together. In return, Slade allows me to do what I want when I’m in the mood, which means I can explore anything with him, and he won’t deny me my requests.

  I reach for the doorknob, and it turns easily in my hand. Anticipation has me easing the door open, and I step inside the darkened apartment. I blink, trying to allow my eyes to adjust. After a second, I close the door, and I’m engulfed in darkness. The throbbing bass throws me off slightly, and I stand there in the kitchen, debating what to do.

  Tonight is a game—his game.

  I just hope it has nothing to do with anything I’ve made clear that I’m not interested in. I’ll try anything, but once it’s been tried and if I didn’t like it, I don’t expect it to happen again. Sometimes, Slade will try to coax me into giving in, but I usually stay firm. I can be pushed to a point, but when sex turns to pain or humiliation, I’m out. I’m not into that.

  Knowing things are about to get a little wild, I pull my purse off and blindly reach for the counter top. When my fingers brush the cool surface, I set the purse down.

  Slade’s around here somewhere, patiently waiting to make his move. I’m certain I’m about to be tied up or restrained in some way. I take a cautious step
forward, knowing he’s deliberately drawing this out. I’d told him I wanted him to fuck me good tonight, so I know part of this is for my benefit, but mostly for his. His fantasies lean towards the dark side, whereas mine have more to do with taking control. There’s just something incredibly hot when a strong, capable man bends to a woman’s will. I’m not into the ‘sweep me off my feet, make sweet love, and bring me flowers’ types that some women seem to favor. I don’t want romance. I just want a man to know what to do with my body and to make me lose control.

  Slade meets all my needs.

  Tired of waiting for him to make his move, I cautiously begin to enter the apartment. I know the layout. I sense movement to my left before a hand clamps over my mouth, a strong arm drawing me back against a masculine body. He likes it when I struggle, so I bite his palm. Hard.

  His reaction is to haul me up into his arms so that my feet no longer touch the floor, and I’m carried though the darkness. I struggle but don’t put much effort into it. After all, I want him to fuck me. I’m not trying to actually escape his endgame.

  As he tightens his grip across my mouth, I feel him bite my ear, causing me to shiver. Behind my back, his skin is bare. He’s shirtless, and as my legs kick to give him the full effect of this little fantasy, I feel his jean-clad legs against my own.

  We’ve reached his bedroom, and he shoves open the door and red light greets me. I don’t know why he likes the red, but on nights like this, he has a red bulb in his lamp, giving the room an eerie darkroom effect.

  I suddenly find myself pressed face first into the nearest wall, and his palm flattens between my shoulder blades, preventing me from moving away.

  He’s stripping me down—roughly.

  I’ve never been into games until Slade, but I’m already slick between my legs. Would I want to do this on a regular basis? Nope. Tonight, this is perfect though, and I am a more than willing participant.

  All my clothes are pulled from my body, and then I feel Slade press himself along my back, his bare chest flattening against me. His jean-clad hips push into my bare ass, and he thrusts his hips so that his hard erection drives into my lower back, causing me to moan.