“How long are we going to continue like this, Mom?” Christina asked one night after dinner.
Louise didn’t pretend not to understand. “Until you come to your senses and tell Jackson about this baby.”
“This is my decision, Mom,” Christina said gently. “I’m doing what I think is best. Can’t you support me in this?”
Louise shook her head. “Not this time. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did.”
Thinking Louise was talking about her pregnancy, Christina explained, “I don’t think of it as a mistake anymore, Mom. It’s an unplanned but welcome surprise. I wanted a baby and I wanted a husband. At least I’m getting one of them.”
“It’ll be all my fault,” Louise said.
“It’s not anyone’s fault. I loved Jackson and I got pregnant. Unfortunately, our love ended before we found out about the pregnancy.”
“It’s a cycle,” Louise said. “I have to break this cycle.”
Christina didn’t know what her mother was talking about. Again, she assumed it was her pregnancy. “You were a great mother to me and I’ll be a great mother to this baby. I hope I can be half the mother that you are.”
Louise stood up. Christina had no idea what she was mumbling about. “I should have told you the truth. I never should have lied.”
As Christina watched her mother, a nervous feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. “What are you talking about, Mother? What should you have told me? What did you lie about?”
“I’m so sorry, Christina,” Louise said. She was crying softly now. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”
Christina brushed back her hair with her hands. “What are you talking about?”
“I hope you don’t hate me, Christina. I thought it was the right thing to do.”
Christina went to her mother. “Tell me what you’re talking about.” Please don’t let it be bad. God, please don’t let it be bad news.
“It’s your father.” Louise looked directly at her daughter. “Your father is alive, Christina.”
Christina couldn’t believe her ears. Surely she had heard wrong. “Alive?”
Louise didn’t look away. “Yes, Christina.”
Christina heard a ringing sound in her ears. “Alive? He can’t be alive. All these years you told me he was dead.”
“It was a lie. All these years I lied.”
Christina couldn’t stand any longer. She sat down and stared at her mother. “You lied?” she asked softly. “Why did you lie?”
“I had to.”
“Alive,” Christina repeated. “All these years and my father has been alive. All these years that I’ve needed him and you told me he was dead. Why did you do that to me, Mother? Why? Did he not want me? Is that the reason?”
Louise shook her head. “He never knew I was pregnant, Christina. I never told him.”
“You never told him,” Christina repeated, dazed.
“You can’t make the same mistake I did, Christina. You must tell Jackson about this baby.”
Christina just stared at her mother. “All these years you were lying. How could you do that to me, Mother? How could you do it? What about all the stories you told about the two of you? Were they lies, too?”
Louise had dreaded this anger, but she understood it and she had known she would see if it Christina ever learned the truth. “No, Christina, they weren’t all lies. I loved Christian and he loved me.”
“Then why didn’t you tell him about me?” Christina demanded.
Louise hoped Christina would understand. “It was the best thing that I could think to do. There was no way Christian and I could be together.”
“Then what kept you apart?”
“My parents didn’t approve of him. And his parents wouldn’t have approved of me.”
“Why didn’t Big Momma and Big Daddy like him? What did he do?”
Louise saw the confusion on her daughter’s face. “It’s not what he did, Christina. It’s what he was. They liked him, they just didn’t approve of our relationship.”
“What was he, Mother? An ex-convict?”
“No, he wasn’t an ex-convict. He was a law student, like I told you.”
“Why don’t you just tell me, Mother?”
Louise took her daughter’s hand. “Your grandparents didn’t approve because Christian was white.”
“White? White?”
“Yes, dear. He was, is, white.”
“My father is a white man?” Christina’s mind felt numb.
Louise nodded. Please God, don’t let my daughter hate me, she prayed.
“I don’t believe you, Mother. How can that be? I don’t look white.”
“That’s an ignorant thing to say, Christina. There’s no doubt about it. Christian is your father, and he’s white.”
Louise watched Christina absorb this news. She saw pain, disbelief, begrudging acceptance, and then anger cross her daughter’s beautiful face. Anger was the emotion that remained.
“If you knew there was no hope for the relationship, Mother, why did you sleep with him?”
“I loved him, Christina. You don’t choose the person you fall in love with. You should know that. It just happens.”
When Christina didn’t speak, Louise continued. “If he’d known I was pregnant, he’d have defied his parents and married me. That’s the kind of man he was. I wanted so much for you to know him.”
“You had a strange way of showing it,” Christina said. “What makes you so sure he would have married you? Maybe he didn’t love you. Maybe it was curiosity. You saw Jungle Fever.”
That stung. That question had haunted Louise over the years. She knew Christian loved her and she believed that he wanted to marry her, but there was still a niggling doubt. “It wasn’t like that; he asked me to marry him. He asked me. He asked, and he didn’t know about you.”
“If you loved him so much, you should have married him.”
She’s so young, Louise thought. “It wasn’t as easy as that. We would have had to give up so much and face so much. It may have killed our love. I couldn’t risk that.”
“For the sake of love, you decided to have an illegitimate child?” Christina asked, her pain evident. “Did you lie to me all these years because you loved him? Did you think I’d want to see my daddy and that might cause him some discomfort? Is that what you thought, Mother?”
“I can see you’re distraught, Christina. Maybe we should talk about this later.”
Christina shook her head vigorously. “No, I want to talk about it now. Why did you lie to me?”
Louise knew she had to make Christina understand. “I didn’t even tell him. What was I going to tell you? How could I tell you he was alive when he didn’t even know about you? You would have wanted to see him.”
“Of course, Mother. He’s my father. I’m a part of him.” Christina broke down then and tears streamed from her eyes. “All these years I’ve dreamed about my father, he’s been alive. He’s alive, and he doesn’t even know that I exist.”
Louise got back to the reason she had told Christina this news. “Don’t make the same mistake I made, Christina. You have to tell Jackson about this baby.”
***
My father is alive, Christina thought. He’s out there somewhere. My father. My father. She placed her hands on her abdomen. She knew she had to tell Jackson. Her mother was right. She couldn’t deprive her baby of its father.
Christina was still angry with her mother. Louise should have told her before now. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.
“Come in, Mother,” Christina said.
Louise poked her head through the door first. “Are you sure it’s safe for me in here?”
Christina smiled, almost. “Come on in. I don’t have any lethal weapons.”
Louise walked all the way into the room, closing the door behind her. She sat on the bed, facing Christina. “What have you been doi
ng up here? I’ve been worried.”
Christina saw a pattern here. Jackson breaks my heart, and then he wonders how I’m doing. My mother breaks my heart, then she wonders how I’m doing. Why do I have to love crazy people? she wondered. “I’m not going to do anything stupid, Mother.” She aimed for humor. “I told you there were no lethal weapons in here.”
“That’s not what I meant, Christina. How long are you going to be angry with me?”
“I really don’t know. Let’s see, you lied to me for thirty years. Don’t I at least deserve to be angry for thirty days?”
“You do have a right to be angry, Christina, but I’m not used to this tension between us. It’s been a week.”
Christina picked up a pillow from the bed and pulled it to her. “Me either, Mom. You were always the person I could count on. It’s hard for me to come to grips with your lying to me. I can understand you not telling me when I was a child, but I’m thirty years old. I deserved to know.”
“You’re right. I should have told you sooner, but I was afraid. What was I supposed to say, ‘Christina, by the way, your father’s not dead, pass the salt?’ I didn’t know how and I was afraid I would lose you.” She paused, then added, “I love you, Christina. Whatever wrong I’ve done or whatever else I’ve lied about, I do love you.”
Christina heard the sincerity in her mother’s voice. And the pain. She just wasn’t ready yet to give Louise the forgiveness that she wanted. “Will you tell me about him now? The truth, this time?”
Louise took her daughter’s hand. “Everything I told you about Christian was true, except that we didn’t meet in Selma, we met in Huntsville. We were attracted to each other from the start. We couldn’t really date in the open, so we attended rallies together and worked on a lot of the same work teams. Our feelings grew as we came to know each other. Though it was difficult, we found ways to be together. He told me he loved me early on, and even proposed, but I couldn’t even think about that. As the summer went on, I realized he was serious and so was I. We made love once, the night before he left to go back home. It was beautiful.” She squeezed Christina’s hand. “I have never regretted what we shared or the result of it.”
“You mean you got pregnant that first time?”
Louise nodded. “I’ve always considered myself fortunate.”
Christina couldn’t ignore the similarities in their situations. Her mother and Christian. Her and Jackson. History was repeating itself. “You considered being an unwed mother fortunate?”
“No,” Louise said. “I consider having the child of the man I loved fortunate. I knew society, his parents and mine, would never allow us to be together. Having you allowed me to have him. It was worth all I suffered.”
Christina wanted to know more. She could understand her mother’s feelings because they were much like the feelings she had about Jackson and their baby. “What was it like, Mom?”
Louise breathed deeply. “It was hard, Christina. For me and your grandparents. When they found out about Christian and me, they told me to end it. They said some awful things. That Christian was using me. That a white man only wanted one thing from a colored woman. It was awful.”
“But you didn’t end it?”
“I couldn’t. I was young and in love. I was reckless.”
“How did they find out?”
“Your grandparents?” Louise asked. At Christina’s nod, she answered, “Gossip. I never knew who, but people were talking about us.”
“So what happened after he left?”
“He promised to write, and he did. While he was away, I came to my senses. Or maybe your grandparents’ influence just affected me more. When I found out I was pregnant, I was scared. Your grandmother knew before I did. She and your grandfather sat me down and told me they would disown me if I told Christian about the baby, but they would help me if I didn’t tell him. They said there was no way those white folks would want a black baby in the family, even if it was part white. Soon, I was believing them.”
“What did you do?”
“The hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wrote Christian and told him that I was mistaken, I didn’t love him. That it was wrong. That it was a sin for us to be together. White folks and colored folks don’t mix, I told him. I never heard from him after that.”
That didn’t make sense to Christina. If Christian had really loved her mother, he wouldn’t have given up so easily. “Why didn’t he write you back or try to get in touch with you?”
“Because of what I said. It was the thing about it being a sin for us to be together. The whole basis of our relationship was that somehow God had ordained the two of us to be together. To say it was sin denied the entire relationship. What could he say? I never expected an answer.”
“What did you do then?”
“Your grandparents sent me away to have the baby. We never told anyone about the father. After you were born, I came back home. People talked for a while, but it soon died down. So much was going on back then that people really didn’t care.”
“That’s it?”
“That it. The rest, as they say, is history.” Louise smiled, then asked, “Do you think you can ever forgive me?”
***
“He’s not in the office today, Miss Marshall,” Jackson’s secretary said. “He took the day off.”
Christina felt relieved. She had decided to tell Jackson about the baby, but she wasn’t looking forward to doing it. This was a welcome reprieve. “Thanks,” she said, and walked toward the elevator.
The elevator doors opened and she saw Rosalind standing there.
“What are you doing here, Christina?” Rosalind asked. “Tired of greenhouses already?”
Christina laughed. It was good to see Rosalind. “Not yet. I think I’m growing a green thumb.”
“Good for you,” Rosalind said. “I’m glad all is well. What brings you here?”
Christina considered her answer. “I’m here to see Jackson, but he’s out today.”
“You can find him at home. Do you have his new address?” Christina didn’t, so Rosalind gave it to her.
“I wish I had more time to talk,” Rosalind said, “but I’m on my way to a meeting. Are you going to be in town long? Maybe you can have dinner with Walter and me.”
“Maybe another time. I’m leaving tonight.” I’m here just long enough to tell Jackson about the baby, she added silently.
“I’m sorry we can’t get together this time. Let me know the next time you’re going to be in town and we can plan to get together. Good luck with Jackson,” Rosalind said, and walked away.
Christina looked at Jackson’s phone number and address as she pressed the button for the elevator. She debated calling first. She decided to just show up. She didn’t have enough nerve to call first. By the time she got on the elevator she had changed her mind, she was going to call first. When she reached the lobby, she had changed her mind again, she would just show up. She hailed a taxi.
Twenty-Two
“Christina?” Jackson asked. He couldn’t believe it. What was she doing here?
“Hi, Jackson.”
She met his gaze and he saw the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. He stood looking at her for a few long moments. She was as beautiful as ever. Looking at her reminded him how much he missed her.
“Are you going to invite me in?” she asked. She was smiling now and he felt like an idiot.
He stood back so she could walk in. “I’m sorry, yes, come on in.” When she was in, he pointed towards the sofa. “Have a seat. Would you like something to drink?”
Christina sat on the sofa. “No, I’m fine right now.”
Jackson couldn’t get his fill of looking at her. It was so good to see her again. He thought he’d gotten over her, but now he knew that wasn’t true. And, God knows, he had tried to get over her.
What brings you to my apartment? Jackson wondered. “What brings you to Boston?”
She didn’t answer immediately. While he waited, a noise from the back got his attention. God, he’d forgotten that quickly.
“Jackson,” the sexy voice called, “where do you keep the shampoo?”
Jackson didn’t answer. He looked at Christina and let his gaze follow hers to the hallway. Angela walked into the doorway. She stopped when she saw Christina.
Angela pulled the towel tighter around her. “Hi, Christina.”
Jackson looked at Angela. He couldn’t look at Christina. He could guess what she was thinking. Angela wore a towel and nothing else.
“Hi, Angela,” Christina said. She stood up. “Congratulations on your TV show. I’ve seen it a couple of times and I’ve liked it.”
“Thanks. I’m sorry I had to cut back on my help with the fundraiser. I know you guys have been working hard.”
Jackson looked from one woman to the other. He couldn’t believe they were carrying on this conversation as if they had met in a restaurant or something.
“You got us off to a good start,” Christina was saying.
“I was supposed to contact you about doing a spot on the variety show.”
I hope I can. Call me next week and I’ll let you know.”
“I’ll do that,” Christina said. She turned to Jackson. “I guess I’ll be going now. It was good seeing you.” She included Angela in her goodbye. “You, too, Angela.”
Jackson followed Christina as she walked toward the door. “Don’t rush off.”
Christina looked up into that face that she knew so well. “I think I’d better go. I didn’t know you had company. I should have called.”
He was shaking his head. He knew she couldn’t stay, shouldn’t stay, but he didn’t want her to leave yet. “Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk to me about?”
Christina looked at him. There was no way she could tell him about the baby today. “It can wait.”
Jackson saw something in her eyes that could have been pain. He wanted to comfort her, to tell her that what she saw was not what she saw. He couldn’t, so he let go.
“It was good to see you, Christina. Take care of yourself.” I still love you, he added silently.
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