Jackson stared at the door after she had gone. He turned quickly when a hand touched his shoulder. Angela was standing next to him. He’d forgotten she was in the room. His mind and his heart were with Christina.
“It was harder than you thought it would be, wasn’t it?” she asked.
He nodded. “I thought I’d gotten over her.”
Softly, Angela said, “So did I.”
Jackson looked down at her then. “I’m sorry, Angela. I didn’t . . .”
Angela raised her hands. “Don’t apologize, Jackson. That’ll only make it worse.”
“I do care about you.”
“I know you do.” They were both silent for a while. “I should leave tonight,” she added.
Jackson thought it might be best. He needed some time alone, but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. “You don’t have to go.”
He could tell from the look in her eyes that she knew what he was thinking. “We’ve always been honest with each other, Jackson. Let’s not start lying now.”
What could he say to her? Beautiful Angela. He could love her if he didn’t love Christina. He wished he did love her. It would be easier. “You’re a special woman, Angela, a very special woman,” was all he could say. He knew it wasn’t enough, but there were no words to express what he felt. Angela had been there when he’d needed her. She’d listened to his pain and she’d comforted him. And when she’d believed him ready, she’d made love with him. As he looked in her eyes now, he knew she regretted that. He regretted it, too.
***
It was a long drive home from the Montgomery Airport to Selma. Tears fell freely from Christina’s eyes as she drove. She hadn’t thought it would hurt this badly. Or this long. But it did. She wondered if the pain would ever stop. It had to. She knew she couldn’t continue these emotional highs and lows. They weren’t good for her and they weren’t good for her baby.
Louise walked out the door as Christina pulled into the driveway. Great, Christina thought. I don’t need this right now. “Hi, Mom,” she said with mock cheerfulness when she walked up to the porch.
“How did it go?” Louise asked, the anxiety evident in her voice.
“It didn’t,” Christina answered.
“What? Didn’t you see him? Didn’t you tell him?”
Christina walked past her mother and into the house. “Yes, I saw him, and no, I didn’t tell him.”
Louise followed her into the house. “What do you mean, you didn’t tell him? You went all the way to Boston and you didn’t tell him? Why not?”
Christina sat down before answering. “It wasn’t the right time or place, Mother.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means he had guests. Rather, he had one guest.”
“A woman?”
“How’d you ever guess?” Christina asked, with a tinge of sarcasm.
“I’m sorry, Christina.”
“Don’t be sorry. I should have known he’d be seeing someone else by now. It’s been almost three months.” I just didn’t know it would hurt so much.
“Just because he was with a woman doesn’t mean he’s sleeping with her.”
“Oh, but in this case I know he is. She walked out dressed only in a towel. She looked pretty comfortable, too.”
“That still doesn’t mean anything. Men have needs,” Louise reasoned. “It doesn’t mean he cares for this woman. He’s only known her a short time, anyway.”
Christina shook her head. “Good try, Mom, but wrong. Jackson has known this woman for a while. It was Angela, from Atlanta. Jackson wasn’t just having his needs met, he’s starting a relationship, a life, with someone else.”
“Angela? Your friend from the radio?”
Christina nodded. “She was Jackson’s friend first. It was her.” Christina could still see Angela standing there in that towel. She had wanted to double over. She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach.
“That really doesn’t change anything, Christina,” Louise said calmly. “You still have to tell him.”
She stood up. “I know that, Mother. I couldn’t tell him then. I just couldn’t.”
“When are you going to tell him?”
Christina wiped her hands down her face. “I don’t know.” How could she tell him now?
“It’s not going to get any easier. The longer you put it off, the harder it’ll be.”
Christina lashed out. “You’re a fine one to talk, Mother. You never told Christian.”
“I did.”
Christina stood then. “When will the lies stop, Mother? You told me the other day that you didn’t tell him. Which is it?”
Louise was not affected by Christina’s outburst. “I hadn’t told him then, but I have told him now.”
“What?”
“I told Christian about you.”
“How? When?”
“I called him right after you left for Boston.”
Christina sat down. Things were moving too fast for her. “You knew his phone number.”
Louise nodded.
“How?”
Louise looked away. “A while back I had a private detective do some work for me.”
Christina was incredulous. “You tracked him down? Why?”
“I was thinking about him a lot. I always think about him around your birthday. In the year you graduated from high school, more than ever.”
Christina stared at her mother. She was learning so much about her these days. “Where was he?”
“Chicago. He runs a law firm there.”
“Was he married?”
“No,” Louise said sadly, “he wasn’t.”
“Did you call him? Let him know you were thinking about him?”
“Not then.”
“Why not? He was single.”
“Because so many years had passed. So many things had changed. What would I say?”
Christina thought about that for a while. “I guess you really couldn’t just walk back into his life, could you?”
“No, but I wanted to.”
“You loved him that much?” Christina was beginning to understand how long it took for love to fade.
“It surprises me, too. I haven’t seen him in more than thirty years, but in my heart we’ve never been separated.” She looked at Christina. “A lot of that has to do with you.”
Christina walked over to her mom. “Do you still keep up with him?”
Louise nodded.
“Where is he? What’s he doing?”
Louise didn’t answer.
“Did something happen to him?”
“Nothing happened to him.”
“Then where is he?” Christina asked again.
“He’s at the St. James.”
“The St. James Hotel?” Christina asked.
Louise nodded.
“Here in Selma? What’s he doing here?”
“I called him and told him about you. He wanted to meet you, so he came here.”
He’s here. My father’s here, she thought. “You what?” she asked.
“I called him.”
“You should have talked to me about this first, Mother.”
“No, this was my decision.”
Christina spoke rapidly, her words matching the beat of her heart. “What’s he doing here?”
“I told you he wants to meet you.”
“Why?”
“You’ll have to ask him that. He’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Tonight?” It was too soon. She needed time to prepare. She wasn’t ready for this yet. “How did you know I’d be back tonight?”
“I didn’t. It was just going to be the two of us. He wants to know more about you. Now, he can go directly to the source.”
Christina couldn’t speak. She was going to have dinner with her father tonight. She was going to see him for the first time. She looked at the clock on the wall. It was fiv
e o’clock. “What time is he coming?”
“He’ll be here around six.”
That’s not long, she thought. Then she commented, “You aren’t excited or nervous about this. Why is that?”
“The telephone call was the hardest part. Seeing him yesterday was easy compared to that. I look forward to seeing him tonight. I want you two to know each other.”
I want that, too, Christina thought. “Don’t get your hopes up too high, Mom. It’s a little late for us to become a family.” Having said that, she turned and left the room.
***
Christina found herself watching for him. She passed the front window more times than necessary and stopped to peek out each time. She couldn’t keep still. I hope he likes me, she thought, then chided herself for the thought. She didn’t like how important this night was turning out to be. A car pulled into the driveway then. Christina stepped back from the window. If it was him, she didn’t want him to see her looking. A tall, sandy-haired man stepped out of a blue four-door Chevy sedan.
She watched him stride up the walkway to the door and ring the doorbell. I should answer it, she thought, then decided against it. He rang the bell once more before Louise opened the door. Christina heard Louise lead him into the living room, but she couldn’t hear what they were saying. While she was debating whether to go in now or to wait, Louise came to get her. “He’s here, Christina,” Louise said, “and he’s eager to meet you.”
Christina took one step toward her mother, then stopped. She couldn’t do it.
“What’s the matter?” Louise asked.
“I’m scared, Mom. When I was small I used to dream that he wasn’t really dead. That he would come back for me. Now that he’s here, I’m scared. What if we don’t get along?”
Tears formed in Louise’s eyes. “He already loves you, Christina. He loves you because you’re his daughter. He just wants to get to know you.”
“I’ve wanted a father for so long. What if he can’t be what I want him to be?”
“You can’t make up for the time you were apart, and I’ll always blame myself for that, but you can start something new here today. Don’t you want to try?”
Christina didn’t say anything. Louise extended her hand and Christina took it. They walked into the living room together.
Christian stood as they walked in the room. He smiled. “Hello, Christina. I’m Christian.”
Relief washed over her. One of her worries was what to call him. His introduction made it easy. “Hello, Christian.”
Louise ushered Christina into the room so the two of them stood facing Christian. “I’ll get tea.” She looked at Christian. “You still drink tea, don’t you?”
Christina could have sworn that her mother blushed when he nodded. She watched as Louise left the room.
“She’s giving us some time alone,” he stated.
Christina looked at him and knew where she got her height. And the texture of her hair. “I know.”
“Shall we sit then, and get to know each other a little bit?”
Christina sat, but she could think of nothing to say. Fortunately, Christian could. “Louise tells me that you’re on a leave of absence from your job. Are you enjoying yourself?”
Christina wondered what else her mother had told him. “I needed the break. I’m something of a workaholic.”
Christian smiled at that. “I can believe that. I’m known to be somewhat of a workaholic myself.”
“Mom says you have a law practice in Chicago. What’s that like?”
“I like it. I’ve been doing it for nearly thirty years now.”
“What kind of law?”
“Family law.”
“Divorce?” This was stupid. She really didn’t care about his law practice.
“Some divorce. I also do estate planning, wills, adoptions. That kind of thing.”
“Did you love my mother?” Christina surprised herself with the question.
“Very much,” Christian answered. “I’ve never loved anyone else.”
“What did you think when she called you?”
“Shocked. Angry. Scared. Expectant. All those emotions.”
Christina relaxed then. “I felt the same when she told me about you. I used to dream about you when I was a little girl.”
“I bet you never quite pictured me, though.”
Christina smiled because he did. “You’re right about that. I imagined you were tall, though. I always thought I got my height from my dad.”
“I thought that when I first saw you myself. You’ve probably been taller than Louise for a long while.”
Christina nodded and laughed softly. “I passed her around eighth grade.”
“Have you forgiven her yet?”
“She told you?”
He nodded. “She loves you a lot. She made a mistake, but she had the best intentions. At the time, it was all she knew to do.”
“I’m not the only one she lied to. Have you forgiven her?”
“In my case there was nothing to forgive. I was there. I understand the pressure she was under. I regret not spending my life with the two of you. I was angry and hurt that Louise didn’t feel confident enough to tell me she was pregnant, but I understand. I blame myself, anyway.”
“Why is that?” Christina asked. How could he blame himself if he didn’t even know?
“In my day, a man showed his love for a woman by waiting until marriage. We didn’t do that. If we had, none of this would have happened.”
“And maybe I never would have been born.”
Christian smiled again. “I like to think that you would have been born, but you’d have been born to a family, a mother and a father, who cherished you. I envy Louise the time she had with you.”
“She was a great mother to me,” Christina said. Her anger subsiding now.
“That doesn’t surprise me. She’s a great woman.”
Christina detected that Christian’s feelings for Louise were still strong. “What was she like when you met her?”
“She hasn’t changed. She’s as beautiful now as she was then, and unless I’m mistaken, she’s as strong-willed now as she was then.”
Christian smiled and Christina felt they were sharing a secret. It was a good feeling.
“She is,” Christina agreed. “She’s always done things her own way, been her own person. And she’s managed to be happy.”
“She tells me you’re a lot like that yourself. You’ve built quite a career for yourself.”
“I’ve done well in my profession, but there’s more to life than work.”
He nodded. “There should be. I’ve found that work can fill up a lot of places when other parts of your life aren’t working right.”
“Right about what?” Louise asked, when she walked back into the room with the tea.
“Christina and I were just comparing notes on work,” Christian answered.
Louise set the tray on the cocktail table. “Things must be changing, since you both have taken leaves from your work.”
Christina looked at Christian. This was the first she had heard about a leave. “How long are you planning to be away?” she asked.
Christian looked from Louise to Christina. “As long as it takes for me to get to know you. I’ve got nothing but time.”
Christina was at a loss for words. She didn’t know what to think.
“I think I’m the real winner in this,” Louise said with a lilt in her voice. “I get to have time with both of you.”
Christina looked at Louise. Her mother wore a shy smile. She looked at Christian. He wore a contented smile. What’s going on here? she wondered.
Twenty-Three
“How is she?” Jackson had been on the phone with Robert for almost fifteen minutes. He couldn’t wait any longer.
“She?”
“You know I’m talking about Christina.” Jackson hated putting Robert in the middle like this,
but he needed to know.
“She’s fine. Why do you ask?”
“She was in Boston last week and she came by my apartment.” Jackson couldn’t shake the feeling that Christina had wanted to discuss something important with him. When she saw Angela, she had closed up.
“What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I’m trying to figure out why she came by. Do you know anything?”
“Not really,” Robert said slowly.
Jackson didn’t believe him. “Come on, man. I need to know.”
“Why do you need to know? I thought you and Christina had broken up. Liza said you were seeing Angela again.”
News travels fast, Jackson thought. “I was seeing Angela, but I’m not anymore. I’m still in love with Christina, Robert. I need to know if there’s still a chance for us.”
“Then shouldn’t you be talking to her?”
“Yes, but she’s not talking to me these days.”
“What happened?”
If he asks one more question, I’m hanging up, Jackson thought. “Angela was here when she came to visit. I could tell she wanted to tell me something, but after she saw Angela in my apartment, she changed her mind.”
“Oh, man, do you have bad timing!”
“Tell me something I don’t know,” Jackson said. “What’s going on, Robert? Do you have any idea why she was here?”
“Did you know that she has taken a leave of absence from CL?”
“She’s taken a leave?” Walter and Rosalind didn’t talk to him about Christina anymore. They kept this news from him as well.
“A month or so ago. Liza took her old job. She’s pretty excited about it, too.”
“Give her my congratulations,” Jackson said absentmindedly.
“And we’ve moved into her house in Decatur,” Robert added.
“You’ve moved into her house? Where is she? Why did she take a leave of absence?”
“You should be having this conversation with her, Jackson,” Robert said.
“You do know something, don’t you?”
“I may have heard something from Liza,” Robert said. It was obvious he didn’t want to give away any information.
“Come on, man,” Jackson pleaded. “This is important.”
“She’s pregnant, Jackson.”
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