“I’m sorry,” Justin said. “I never meant to hurt you. To turn you into this.”
Dutch’s eyes widened in surprise. The old Dutch gained a foothold. He strained to lift himself from the icy grip of indifference. The coolness within faltered slightly before the chilly tentacles once again strangled him from within.
“Save your pity,” Dutch told him. Venom dripped from his mouth. “I don’t need it and I don’t want it.” He placed his index finger on Justin’s chest and pushed him backward. “I like who I am now. I enjoy myself more than I have in years. I’ve had more sex recently than you’ve probably had in the past few months.” A devilish grin stretched across his lips. “You’d be surprised who I’ve been naked with recently.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Dutch laughed. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” He unlocked the stall door and opened it. “Now why don’t you march yourself back to Spencer? The loving and faithful man you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with. I’ve got better things to do.”
He pushed open the door. On the other side, the twink Justin expelled from the stall stood at the sink, his hands on his hips.
“Fine,” Justin said. He walked toward the door.
“And Justin,” Dutch called out. Justin paused in front of the door and turned around. Dutch walked over to the twink, wrapping his arms around the boy. “The next time we run into each other, here or anywhere else, be a pal and pretend like you don’t know me.”
Justin exited the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He had leaned against the wall, hoping to regain his composure, when he heard the bathroom door lock behind him. The click of the lock infuriated him.
Dutch and his twink were likely already naked and resuming their previous position before he disturbed them. The thought of Dutch with someone else hit him harder than he expected. When he first saw Dutch making out with all those guys, he told himself that he had to stop Dutch before he ruined his professional reputation.
He realized that was a lie. He wanted to stop Dutch not out of concern but out of jealousy.
Seeing Dutch with someone else hurt him, deeply. The only person Dutch should be with was him, but he had left Dutch and returned to Spencer. He had no reason to feel this way, and the fact that he did bothered him a great deal.
After all, he was here with Spencer. Tonight, they were celebrating New Year’s Eve at the place where their romance began. When they kissed at midnight, they would be inaugurating the next ten years of their lives together.
How could he do that when his feelings for Dutch had resurfaced like a buried treasure? He’d never hated himself more than at this moment.
To make things better, to be able to go on, he had to force his feelings for Dutch back down, bury them even further inside himself before they destroyed his life entirely. Dutch had moved on, and he made it quite clear he wanted nothing more to do with Justin.
Justin had to focus on Spencer. And only Spencer. Their love was real and lasting, more powerful than whatever he might still feel for Dutch. He couldn’t allow those emotions to distract him any longer.
As he closed his eyes, he sealed the lid on his love for Dutch and buried it beneath the sands of his subconscious, where it would forever remain.
Justin made his way back to the bar, to ring in the New Year with Spencer. His mind felt clearer, his heart no longer in turmoil.
CHAPTER 41
2010
JUSTIN sat on the couch in Dutch’s living room, staring at the dark television screen while his soul writhed in turmoil. The remote lay in his hand, which was numb and useless. Since lunch with Spencer a few hours ago, he had been unable to feel anything.
The food he ate, mostly in silence, lacked taste. The tea he drank possessed no flavor. He couldn’t recall their conversation while they ate or what they said in the parking lot before going their separate ways.
When Spencer forced him to realize he was still in love with Dutch, his body went into shock, incapable of processing anything further until he dealt with the revelation. He couldn’t even remember driving home. He recalled getting into his car but not much more after that.
What he needed to do was head into work, but he found himself walking into Dutch’s house and plopping onto the couch, where he sat in silence for at least an hour.
Justin refused to accept he was still in love with Dutch even though he’d admitted those feelings to Spencer a few hours ago. In rebuttal, he rationalized everything: he’d agreed to help Dutch recuperate not because he was still in love with him but because he felt liable for Dutch’s self-destructive behavior. It was ridiculous for feelings he’d long since abandoned to resurface, especially considering he had rededicated himself to Spencer for the past year.
Spencer had been his one and only focus, until Heidi shattered it with her phone call. That was when things blurred, but not because he was still in love with Dutch. He lost focus because the secret he tried to keep had been exposed. There was nothing else to it.
His heart thudded in his chest. Its rapid beat signaled its disagreement as the buried love for Dutch shot to the surface. Recent images flashed in his mind, and Justin felt the true emotions attached to each mental picture.
Seeing Dutch at the Bonham last New Year’s Eve. Heidi telling him Dutch had been in accident. Visiting Dutch for the first time in the hospital. Sharing pizza and Coke while debating Batman. Preparing dinner together for the past few months, exercising and stretching every night, and living together in peaceful harmony.
Each image contained love, untainted by bile and unweathered by time. It felt as if it was simply meant to be like the magic that first drew him to Spencer. Choice wasn’t involved. Although he’d debated the wisdom of moving in together, when asked, it hadn’t taken much convincing for him to agree. He did it knowing full well that doing so might mean the end of his relationship with Spencer. Forever.
Why did I do that? he wondered. Why would I readily agree to move in with Dutch if I knew it might cost me Spencer?
His heart skipped a beat in response. It already knew what his mind refused to accept.
“Because I’m still in love with him,” he whispered.
Justin rose from the couch. His body trembled as his previously anesthetized soul filled with self-loathing. He saw everything clearly now. His love for both men never went away. He buried his love for Dutch in an act of self-preservation, not because he had fallen out of love with him.
When Spencer left and he fell in love with Dutch, he truly believed his time with Spencer was over, that Spencer’s departure for London signaled their end even though neither he nor Spencer admitted it. After all, Spencer abandoned him like his father had done to both him and his mother so many years ago. He believed, based on previous experience, that a relationship never endured desertion.
Besides, Dutch lived in his heart, almost from the moment of their first kiss on the Riverwalk. Their kiss and their first time in bed together were magical, as if the force that once brought him and Spencer together had reconstituted itself, willing itself back into existence to right the wrong committed by Spencer. It brought Justin his new soul mate, the man who he would now love until the end of time.
That was why he gave himself so completely to Dutch, as he had once done with Spencer. Doing so felt predetermined, as if their being together was something bigger than themselves, a power they couldn’t fight, even if they wanted to.
When Spencer ultimately returned, Justin fully expected to end things with him for good. To his surprise, his love for Spencer still existed. It never went away. Seeing Spencer brought their love back into the open.
It left him confused. He had no idea what to do, which was why he waffled on making a decision. His heart had been divided, and he saw no way to make a choice without hurting himself and someone he loved.
Eventually, he chose Spencer, not because he loved Dutch any less but because Spencer held prior claim to his heart.
At first, all was well. He and Spencer reconnected, and the magic that brought them together sparked to life once again. However, something ate away inside him, gnawing at his heart and his soul and making him feel lost and empty.
He had no idea what it was at the time. He believed he had somehow stumbled into the doldrums and figured eventually he would find his way back out. What was actually happening, though, was his undying love for Dutch was fighting back against his callous mistreatment of the bond they’d forged.
It refused to be ignored. His heart missed a vital piece it needed to survive and begged for him to find that piece to once again make it whole.
It seemed so clear to Justin now. Their love burned within him like a fire left unwatched. It spread like a wildfire, incinerating everything in its path and turning his insides into ash.
Not until he saw Dutch again in the hospital did that burned out, empty feeling dissipate. The missing piece had been found, and his heart sighed in relief.
But in finding Dutch again, he lost Spencer, the other piece vital to his well-being.
Living with Dutch would never make him happy. Being with Spencer didn’t make him happy. He seemed destined to be miserable forever unless he could find some way to bring it all together.
He had no clue what that meant. It sounded impractical and selfish, as if he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. But that wasn’t what this was about. His self-centered desires had dictated his life for too long already.
In pursuit of his own needs, he had fallen in love with two men and was now incapable of being happy without both of them in his life.
“You’re home,” Dutch said, wheeling himself into the living room. “I had to take a nap after physical therapy,” he admitted while rubbing his still red eyes. “I thought you were going back to work after lunch with Spencer.”
“I took the rest of the day off,” he said, suddenly remembering calling his secretary on his drive home. “I need to think.”
Dutch positioned himself in front of the couch. Curiosity washed over his face. He was apparently dying to learn how lunch went. “So, how’d it go?” he asked. “Did the two of you work things out?”
The genuineness of Dutch’s question hit him in the gut. Dutch’s eyes reflected endless pools of hope. He sincerely wanted Justin and Spencer to work things out, to find their way back together. Justin had no idea what he’d ever done to deserve such deep-seated love from two great men.
“Not quite,” Justin announced. He turned around, facing the wall opposite Dutch. He couldn’t stare into those beautiful blue eyes, gazing at him with both adoration and heartbreak.
“What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” replied Justin. He walked away from Dutch, headed for his bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Dutch asked. “Was it that bad?”
“Yes.”
“Justin, stop,” Dutch said. His voice was firm but still saturated with worry. “Talk to me.” His wheelchair scraped against the floor as he drew nearer. “Don’t shut me out. I want to help.”
“There’s nothing you can do to help,” Justin said, his back still to Dutch. “I need to work through this on my own. Without you. Without Spencer.”
“Work through what?” Dutch wheeled himself around Justin, so he could stare into his eyes. “I can tell something happened. What was it?”
“As if you don’t know,” he replied. He figured since Spencer knew he was still in love with both of them, Dutch must have figured it out too.
Dutch cast his eyes downward. Guilt flowed readily to the surface, turning his crystal blue eyes a murky gray. Justin was right. He was the only one who was ignorant of his true feelings. In his mind, that made him both an idiot and an embarrassment.
“I’m sorry,” Dutch finally said. “I wanted to tell you from the beginning but Spencer made me promise to keep it a secret. He figured this was the only way to give all three of us closure.”
Justin stared at Dutch, dumbfounded. Did I hear Dutch correctly? Did Dutch just admit to making a promise to Spencer? How was that possible?
“Keep what a secret?” he asked, still unable to believe his ears. What secrets are Spencer and Dutch keeping from me? When did the two of them meet to discuss their situation, and why am I just finding out about it now?
Dutch stared at him quizzically. The look in his eyes told Justin they were talking about two different subjects. “What do you mean?” Dutch asked. “Didn’t Spencer finally tell you about his plan?”
Justin had no idea what was happening. He had felt confused and done in before, when all he had to deal with was being in love with two men. This turn of events, this secret plan that Spencer concocted and Dutch apparently went along with, sent him spinning. “What are you talking about?” he finally asked Dutch. “What plan?”
Dutch looked alarmed. He finally realized he had prematurely spilled the beans. “It’s nothing,” he told Justin, trying to get his wheelchair moving down the hall.
Justin grabbed the handles of the chair and stopped him. “You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell is going on here.”
“I can’t,” replied Dutch. “I made a promise.”
Justin knelt in front of the chair, determined to get an answer to his question. “I don’t care about any promise you made to Spencer,” he pointed out. “You’re keeping something from me. Both of you are. I deserve to know what it is.” He stared directly into Dutch’s eyes, locking onto them in order to discern truth from deception. “I was under the assumption that the lies had stopped, that all our cards were on the table. If they’re not, I deserve to know. Everything.”
Dutch sighed in defeat. “I know,” he said. When he opened his mouth the second time, a slew of hidden truths rushed forward.
Justin leaned against the wall for support as the world was suddenly yanked from beneath his feet. He couldn’t believe Spencer had planned their current living arrangements. He also found it difficult to accept that Spencer was the friend who had been taking Dutch to his physical therapy appointments for the past four months or that the two of them had actually become friends.
“So when I was looking for Spencer, you knew where he was the whole time?” he finally asked, once again finding his voice.
Dutch nodded. “I wanted to tell you, especially when I saw how crazy you were getting. I even went to Spencer and begged him to reconsider, but he said this was the only way to get our lives back on track.”
“How was living with you supposed to accomplish that impossible task?” he asked. “And why did the two of you think making decisions for me would in any way help?”
“It was supposed to help you see the situation for what it was,” Dutch replied. “We did it for you. To get you to see that you were in love with both of us.”
“Well, I see that,” Justin spat out. “A lot of good that does me now.” He walked away from Dutch, worried he wouldn’t be able to control the anger that raged within. He hated being made to look a fool. “Instead of engaging in this mad charade, all anyone had to do was sit down and talk with me about it, the way Spencer did today.”
“But you were in such denial,” Dutch responded. “You didn’t realize the true depth of your feelings for Spencer while we were together any more than you realized how you felt about me when you left me for Spencer.”
“That still doesn’t give either of you the right,” Justin replied through gritted teeth. “The two of you were playing God, manipulating me and my emotions. And I still have to ask myself why.”
“I just told you why,” Dutch answered. Once again, he looked away. Justin could see there were still truths to be told.
“But you haven’t told me everything,” he said. “I can see it as plain as the stubble on your cheeks.”
“There’s nothing more.”
“That’s a lie, and you know it!”
Dutch’s stare turned blank. “I’ve nothing more to say.”
Justin went cold
.
For too long, he had placed all blame squarely upon his shoulders, trying to figure out a way to undo the damage he’d caused, but this whole time, he had been ignorant to the secrets Spencer and Dutch guarded. That had come to an end. He would no longer play the part of the whipping boy, who crawled on his belly begging for forgiveness from two men who needed to seek their own absolution from him.
It was past time for him to wrest control of his life from both of them. They would no longer be his puppet masters, and he would no longer dance to the strings they joyously plucked.
Justin was done.
“Keep your secrets,” he told Dutch. “I no longer care, and I no longer want to know. Both of you condemned me for my actions, for being in love with the both of you. For hurting you. I never wanted any of that to happen, but it did. And I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that.” He crossed the living room and headed for the front door. “But I’m tired of being the only one who’s sorry. The two of you apparently aren’t sorry for your lies.” He picked up his keys, struggling to free the key to Dutch’s house from the ring for the second and final time. “The truth is, I don’t need your truths anymore. I’ve found my own.” Dutch’s key finally came free. He threw it at Dutch, who deflected it. It clanged and bounced under the sofa table to his right.
Dutch opened his mouth, but Justin cut him off. “Save it. I don’t want to hear it.” He opened the front door and stepped across the threshold. “Your plan worked. I’ve got my closure. The both of you can go to hell.”
Justin slammed the door shut and within seconds screeched out of Dutch’s driveway. He drove without direction, but for the first time in months, the darkened road beyond his headlights didn’t fill him with fear.
He released his burdens and cast away his conflict. The road he traveled was his own.
CHAPTER 42
2010
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