SPENCER’S inner turmoil rolled within him like a turbulent sea. He felt helpless and lost, tossed about by the furious waves as they flung him from one angry arm to the next. He never expected his lunch with Justin to make him feel this way.
While he knew discussing Justin’s love for Dutch was something they had to bring out into the open, since Justin seemed intent on suppressing the truth, he foolishly believed the revelation would somehow make everything better. Since he’d returned to his office from lunch, he hadn’t felt that way at all.
He’d felt that magical connection restart at first, but it petered out halfway through the lunch, as if Justin’s acceptance of his love for Dutch had thrown a bucket of water upon a struggling spark.
When they parted ways in the parking lot, Justin detached, as he often did when faced with too much emotional stress. Spencer tried to draw him back in by making him feel better and telling him that he saw a light at the end of the tunnel, but Justin didn’t seem to hear any of that. He only nodded and gazed far away, too preoccupied with his rediscovered love for Dutch.
How I created such a stupid son is beyond me, his father spat in disgust. You’re so fucking blind that I could just knock you on that dumb ass of yours!
Oh, for crying out loud! Spencer told his father. What the hell are you talking about now? He rose from his seat behind his desk and stood to look out the window to the quad below.
Some students dashed to afternoon classes while others lounged along the bricked pathways, chatting with friends. Spencer envied their ignorance to the true pains of the world. For them, life was still all about endless opportunities. For Spencer, life seemed more finite, filled with labyrinthian paths that led nowhere except dead ends.
Don’t be envying them for your stupidity, his father announced. The shithole your life has become is nobody’s fault but your own.
And what have I done exactly? he asked. Thrill me with your poetic insights into my psyche.
His father laughed, but it was a sound full of pity and scorn. You may talk pretty, princess. And you may wish upon whatever fucking star you see for your handsome prince to come and rescue you, but no prince can rescue you from yourself!
I’m not a helpless victim, he said. I can take care of myself.
You’re doing a bang-up job so far, his father replied. Sure, you got Justin to admit his feelings for Dutch, but what about yours?
What about mine? I know exactly how I feel.
Sweetheart, you don’t know a damn thing!
Spencer was about to retort when a loud bang shook his office. Startled, he jumped. His eyes darted around, unsure where the noise emanated from. It sounded like a mini-explosion, its blast still echoing in his ears.
Another explosion shook his office, followed by another. He spun around to face his closed office door. Someone was ruthlessly banging against it, hell-bent on gaining entrance or bashing it down.
“Who’s there?” he called out, ashamed of the fear that gripped his voice.
“Open the fucking door,” the voice commanded, filled with rage. “Now!”
Spencer stared at the door, confused. It sounded like Justin, but never before had he heard him so angry. “Justin?” he asked, still unsure if the crazed person banging on his door was the man he lived with for the past decade.
“Who else would it be?” he asked, still pounding ceaselessly against his door. “Now open up!”
He approached the door cautiously, uncertain why Justin sounded so angry or so uncharacteristically violent. While Justin did have a quick temper, he rarely expressed so much hostility.
What about when he punched a hole in the wall at Christmas? his father asked.
That was different, he told his father. It was one single outburst.
Looks like this time will be different, his father commented, almost too pleased with the current turn in events. I told you that you fucked things up. I’m pretty sure it’s all coming back to bite you in the ass now.
Spencer ignored his father’s last words, for there was nothing he had done for Justin to be this insanely furious about. Even so, Justin was a man possessed, still hammering upon the door with his fists, insisting that Spencer open the door.
He knew Justin would never physically hurt him, but he couldn’t find the strength to unlock and open the door. His father’s words haunted him, hanging over him like an unseen wraith intending to inflict harm.
“Sir, step away from the door,” a voice from the hall commanded. “Now!”
He knew whom the voice belonged to. It was one of the campus security guards.
“I will not,” Justin called back. “Not until I see Spencer Harrison.”
“I won’t ask you a second time,” the voice told him. “Step away from the door.”
Spencer swung the door open and walked out into the hall. Justin had backed away from the door and stood directly across from the security guard, whose hand hovered over his mace, in a showdown reminiscent of old spaghetti westerns.
“Officer, I apologize for this scene,” he said, trying to defuse the situation. “This is my partner, and we obviously have things to discuss. There’s no problem here,” he commented while turning to stare into Justin’s eyes. “And there won’t be any further outbursts.”
“This is a place of work, Dr. Harrison,” the guard told him. “Not the place for domestic disputes.”
“I understand.” He nodded. “It won’t happen again.”
“I’ll have to submit an incident report to Dr. Cutting. She’ll likely need to speak with you about this.”
He nodded again. “I’ll make an appointment with her first thing tomorrow morning.”
The security guard nodded, still eying Justin warily. He then turned around and proceeded to the stairwell, where Spencer was certain he would wait in case a further disturbance occurred.
“Come on in,” he told Justin while stepping out of the doorway.
Justin entered his office without making eye contact. He still seemed to be fuming over whatever brought him here in the first place. When they were both inside his office, Spencer closed the door and locked it. He didn’t want anyone to barge in and interrupt them if further argument ensued.
“Would you mind telling me what that was all about?” he asked. He waited for a response, but none was offered.
Instead, Justin stared at the pictures of them adorning the table along the far wall. When Justin helped him set up his office a few years ago, he joked that the numerous photographs resembled an altar of their relationship. It was more of an ode than an altar. For Spencer, their love was a piece of art, something carefully sculpted by the both of them and worthy of being admired by those individuals who appreciated such beauty.
Justin glared at this ode to their relationship as if it were now a parody. His eyes burned in anger, and his body language was rigid and unforgiving.
“Justin?” Spencer asked, trying to get an answer to his question. “What’s wrong? Why are you so angry?”
“Why do you think I’m angry?” he asked, still refusing to look at him, still staring at the pictures of their past selves.
“I really have no clue,” Spencer responded. “Should I assume you’re angry that I think you’re still in love with Dutch?”
Justin laughed, and his laughter caught Spencer off guard. It sounded more like his father than Justin.
“What’s so funny?” he asked. “I’d love to be let in on the joke.”
“You’re funny,” Justin commented, turning to face him. His eyes were filled with animosity, but another emotion floated near the surface. If Spencer didn’t know better, he would have pegged it as the look of betrayal.
“Why are you looking at me like that? What have I done to deserve those looks?”
“How about playing God with my life?” Justin asked. “How’s that for starters?”
Spencer’s heart skipped a beat. Somehow, Justin had learned the truth about the living arrangements.
It suck
s when your house of cards comes crashing down around you, doesn’t it? his father asked smugly.
“Don’t deny it,” Justin told him. “Dutch let the cat out of the bag. The two of you have been conspiring behind my back, moving me about like some chess piece.”
“You’re being a tad melodramatic,” Spencer said. “No one has been treating you like a pawn.” Justin crossed his arms and stood his ground, his standard defiant pose. “I did what I thought I had to do. You cheated, and you were still in love with the man you cheated on me with. I knew that. Dutch knew that. But you didn’t know it.”
Justin opened his mouth to speak, but Spencer gestured for him to stop. He wanted to be allowed to speak his piece first, to hopefully release some of Justin’s anger with the logic of his words. When Justin nodded, he continued. “I was there at the hospital when you first saw Dutch. You didn’t know it, but I was in the hall. I heard your entire conversation. I heard how you spoke to him. How much you cared for him. How much he cared for you.” His voice cracked, but he suppressed the rising sob. “I wanted to hate you. I wanted to hurt you. But I couldn’t. Because I still loved you like some damn fool!”
“So why do this?” Justin asked. “Why play these games? Why couldn’t we just try to patch things together?”
“How could I patch things up with you when you were still in love with someone else?” Spencer asked. Justin couldn’t reply to that, for they both knew what the answer was. “You pursued me after I learned of the affair. And I wanted to let you come to me. I wanted to work things out, but I wasn’t about to give you my heart again, let you inside the walls you broke down all those years ago, just for you to destroy me again. I might love you, Justin, but I love myself too.”
Justin sighed. The exhalation released the pressure of his anger. “I can understand that. I guess,” he conceded. “But why did you think moving in with Dutch would make things better? How could that make anything better between us?”
“I foolishly thought once Dutch became a real person, not some fantasy you could run to in order to escape our problems, that you would realize I was the only man you wanted.” It was Spencer’s turn to sigh, but his was filled with failure not a release of anger. “I was wrong,” he finally told Justin. “Your bond with Dutch has only gotten stronger.”
“Maybe,” Justin admitted. “But my feelings for you have never changed.” He crossed the void toward him and took his hands in his own. “I yearned for you every day we were apart. I wanted to be with you, to work things out. You can ask Dutch if you don’t believe me.”
“He told me that too, but I couldn’t believe it.”
“Why not?”
“Because how could you choose me when you had already chosen Dutch?”
“I don’t understand,” Justin said. “What are you talking about?”
“That morning, when I found out about your affair, I went to see Dutch in the hospital. I was only there for a bit, and he didn’t know I was there. But when I got back to my car, I saw you running through the parking lot, frantically trying to get to Dutch’s room to be at his side. I learned a lot that night. I learned that your feelings for Dutch overpowered whatever you felt for me.”
“You dumbass,” Justin said, laughing. “I went to Dutch’s hospital room looking for you! I put myself in your shoes, and I tried to think where I would go if the situation was reversed. The first place I would go would be to confront the other man.” He gripped tightly onto Spencer’s hands, trying to use the power of his touch to force Spencer to see the truth. “I went there looking for you, not to see Dutch.”
Could that be the truth? he wondered. Did I misinterpret Justin’s actions that morning? Did Justin really go to Dutch’s room for me?
You’re not seriously buying this load of crap? his father asked. He’s a Mexican! They fucking lie about everything!
“I believe you,” Spencer finally told Justin.
“Thank God,” Justin said. His face broadened into a smile filled with pure joy. More than anything else, Spencer wanted to get lost in Justin’s beaming expression. For years, Justin’s smile had lit up his world. He longed for it to lead them out of the darkness that enveloped them for too long.
Just when he was about to give himself over to it, to use the light to cross the distance that separated them, Justin’s smile drifted away.
“There’s just one more thing,” he said.
“What is it?”
“What is your true relationship with Dutch?”
The question unbalanced him. Spencer’s world tumbled before him, and he was uncertain how to once again set it right.
You’ve been caught in your own web of lies, his father announced. Good luck with that!
“What do you mean?” Spencer asked.
“Dutch told me you’ve become friends, that you’ve been taking him to his physical therapy appointments all this time.”
“So,” he asked, dragging out the vowel, not in an effort to punctuate a point, like he typically did, but in an effort to delay a response. “Is that a crime? To help out someone who needs it?”
Justin shook his head. “Not a crime at all,” he said. “But I’m not stupid. I know you much too well. You would never ever become friends with the man who I cheated with, and that’s exactly what the two of you have become. That wouldn’t happen unless there was something more, some other part of this story that I don’t yet know about.” He stared into Spencer’s eyes, scanning for a hidden truth. “I deserve to know what it is.”
Spencer opened his mouth to answer, but this time it was Justin who asked him to wait until he was finished. “We operated on truth before all this, Spence. I know I lied and I cheated, and I feel we’re working through that, but I need to know whatever truth you’re keeping from me. The truth Dutch is keeping from me. I know it’s there. I saw it in Dutch’s eyes, and I can see it in yours.” He took a deep breath. “Tell me what it is.”
This is it! his father said, clapping like a child watching a circus. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. Do it, son! Drop the bomb on him. Let him see what it feels like!
His father was right and so was Justin. Now was the time for the complete and absolute truth. There could be no going back. All the cards needed to be on the table if reconciliation or closure were ever to occur. Justin had fought hard to close the gap that existed. Spencer could see that clearly more than ever.
Now, it was his turn.
When he spoke, the truth was finally revealed. He told Justin everything, about their friendship prior to learning of the affair, their many flirtations, and the moment in Dutch’s office when they were both naked and almost had sex.
Justin took two steps backward. His face contorted in pain as if he had been sucker punched. Spencer reached out to take Justin’s hands, to reestablish the connection that had once again began to form between the two of them.
Justin batted his hands away.
“Don’t touch me!”
“Justin, please….”
“You’ve made me feel like shit for the affair, for what happened with Dutch when you walked out on me for London. But the whole time you’ve been back, the whole time we were rebuilding our relationship, you were carrying on with Dutch, you were cheating on me!”
“I never cheated,” Spencer rebutted. “We never crossed that line.”
“That’s splitting hairs, and you fucking know it,” Justin muttered angrily. “I may have cheated. I may have kept that from you, but only because I thought you and I were over. I didn’t continue the affair once we were really trying to put our life back together again. I turned my back on Dutch. I choose you over him. You never gave me the same courtesy!”
He turned around and knocked all the pictures of them on the table onto the floor with one wave of his hand. “This has all been some sick joke you and Dutch have been playing on me! I’ve been beating myself up, hating myself for hurting you, for hurting Dutch. And the entire fucking time, the two of you have been carrying o
n behind my back!”
“No, we haven’t,” replied Spencer. He rushed over to Justin, but Justin crossed to the other side of the office. “Dutch was my friend. That was all. Yes, things got out of hand. Once. But I drew the line, and it was never crossed again.”
Justin laughed. It was filled with anger and ridicule. “I don’t buy it, Spencer! Any more than you do.” He paced around the room like a prisoner looking for escape. “You know deep down in your soul that what you did, what you allowed to continue between the two of you, was wrong. The whole time it was happening. I know you well enough to know that with absolute certainty. But you did it anyway.”
“Maybe,” Spencer admitted. “But unlike you, I never had sex with him.”
“Oh no,” Justin replied, shaking his finger at him. “Don’t try to turn this around on me. I’ve owned up to what I did. I’ve been man enough to accept that. You’ve been the chickenshit coward who’s been too afraid to admit what he’s done wrong. And you still refuse to see it. And you say that I’ve been blind to my feelings.”
“Then tell me,” he told Justin. “Tell me what I’m not seeing.”
“That’s not gonna happen. You need to think about it. Just like you forced me to. You need to figure out why you developed a friendship with Dutch after you learned I slept with him. Most people would’ve cut that person out of their lives. They never would’ve taken him to his physical therapy appointments or conspired with him, much less continue to be his friend. Anyone else on this planet would’ve been glad to see him suffer in pain. You didn’t. You allowed your relationship with him to persist, despite what you knew.”
Justin headed for the door. To Spencer, it seemed that Justin finally mustered the strength to exit this situation.
“Justin, wait,” Spencer called out. “Where are you going?”
Justin gave him his profile, so he wouldn’t have to look him in the eyes. “I don’t know. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you,” he said, repeating the words Spencer spoke to him prior to leaving him and their house all those months ago. “You, and Dutch, no longer have the right to know where I go or what I do.”
He then walked out the door without slamming it behind him. Justin simply left it floating open as if it didn’t matter, as if he no longer mattered.
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