What Now?

by Low, Shari

  Her sullen shrug gave me the answer to how she was feeling today. My heart sank. I was worried about her and still entirely unsure how to help, but I wasn’t giving up.

  ‘Toni, I’ve been thinking…’

  She watched my face with those big green eyes of hers. I thought again how they were exactly the same shade as Benny’s, giving me another massive pang of missing my boys. I’d spoken to them at least once a day since I’d arrived here, but I was craving their gorgeous faces.

  ‘Is there anything you want to talk to me about? Anything I can help you with?’

  Her eyes narrowed as she shook her head. ‘No. Nothing. What would I need help with?’ she challenged, immediately going on the defensive. I didn’t rise to her combative energy.

  ‘Okay, here’s the thing, Toni. I love you and I want to protect you and have your back, the same way that your mum, and Kate and Jess and I have looked out for each other all our lives. And part of that is being aware of what’s going on in each other’s lives. I think there’s something wrong in yours. You’re not happy. And I’ve no idea if it’s got anything to do with that text I saw…’

  ‘It hasn’t,’ she spat back.

  I took a breath, paused. ‘Okay,’ I carried on again, keeping absolutely calm. ‘But you can see how I’d be worried that it might be.’

  She performed her 3094th shrug of the holiday.

  Fuck it, I was just going to love-bomb her and see if it helped.

  ‘I want you to know that no matter what’s going on with you, no matter if you’ve made a mistake, if you think it’s a lost cause… no matter what, I’ll have your back and I’ll love you. Because that’s what we do.’ I reached over and pushed her hair off her face. ‘And because you’re bloody brilliant, but that goes without saying,’ I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

  To my horror, it had the opposite effect. A single solitary tear ran down her cheek and she hastily brushed it away with the palm of her hand, then pushed herself up. ‘I need to go and pack,’ she said, then stopped, turned. ‘Thanks, Aunt Carly. I love you too.’ Yes! She was opening up… ‘But there’s really nothing wrong.’ The shutters slammed down again. Bugger. ‘I’d better go,’ and then she was away, leaving me on my own, with no one except porn star Barbie and Ken across the pool.

  Suddenly uncomfortable, I wandered into the kitchen, where Arnie was making lunch. It was an incongruous sight, this musclebound, handsome man, who looked like he belonged in the SAS, standing there with an apron on, chopping tomatoes.

  ‘Can I take you home with me, Arnie? It rains, I’ve got no money to pay you, the house is smaller than Sam’s garage and I’ve got a serious trash-telly habit, but it’s never dull and you’ll be forever adored by all of us.’

  ‘Might just take you up on that. This life of luxury and good times is bound to get boring eventually,’ he joked.

  ‘That’s my point! It’s not as if Sam’s great company when Movie Star Barbie is here.’

  Shit. Did I say that out loud? At least I hadn’t said porn star.

  Leaning on the counter, I removed my foot from my mouth and popped a tomato in instead, hoping he’d just pretend he hadn’t heard it.

  ‘Not a fan, then?’ he asked.

  Damn. He heard it.

  ‘Maybe I just don’t get it,’ I said, honestly. ‘Is it a bloke thing? You’re single…’

  ‘Thanks for reminding me,’ he interjected, with a chortle. ‘I usually just think about that when I’m writing out the alimony checks.’

  Arnie made no secret of his two ex-wives – one was a high-school sweetheart with whom he shared three children in their thirties, and the other was a Vegas dancer that he married a month after meeting her. Their happy ever after lasted until he went off to make his next movie and she hooked up with her ex.

  ‘Sorry, but your pain is necessary to my point.’

  That made him laugh again.

  ‘You’re single…’ I repeated, making him stop slicing the tomatoes and use the knife to mimic stabbing himself in the heart. ‘Would you be attracted to her? I know I sound bitchy and jealous…’

  ‘Yup.’ He moved on to shredding lettuce.

  ‘But I’m not.’ Okay, that was a slight lie. ‘I just want him to be happy and I thought Sam would go for someone who made him laugh and who had great chat. She spent half an hour yesterday telling us about coffee enemas. I’ve ripped up my Starbucks loyalty card.’

  Arnie’s grin turned to an earnest shrug. ‘We getting real, here?’

  ‘Always.’

  ‘He’s been on his own for a long time. Ever since I’ve known him, it’s just been short-term relationships, no commitments. Maybe he just got tired of flying solo.’

  Bugger. When he put it like that…

  ‘And, to answer your question, nope, not my type. I prefer ladies a lil’ older and wiser, with some more curves on the bones,’ he grinned as he said that, ‘but I ain’t gonna judge my bro. We’re all just making this shit up as we go along.’

  I now felt like a crap friend. What right did I have to come in here and judge Sam’s choices? None.

  ‘You’re right, Arnie. How’d you get so wise, huh?’

  ‘Two ex-wives and a whole lot of bruising,’ he said.

  ‘That sounds like a great title for a country song,’ I quipped. ‘And point taken. Whatever older, wiser, curvier lady gets you is gonna be a lucky woman.’

  He was loading the vegetables into a bowl now. ‘I’ll be sure to tell them that. Any chance you could put it in writing?’

  ‘A box of donuts in my room when we get back from the airport and it’s done.’

  His low, husky laugh was contagious. ‘I’ll take it.’

  I headed upstairs to shower and change, and an hour later, Val and I went with Carol and Toni to the airport to greet Kate and Jess, who were coming in on the flight that Carol and Toni would take back to London.

  Just going to the airport threw up another pang of missing my boys. As soon as we started driving, I pulled out my phone.

  Mum to Mac and Benny: Just thinking about you two. Where are you? Whatcha up to? Would I approve?

  Mac to Mum: South Carolina! Just ate grits. Tasted like something you would cook. May need to pump stomach LOL!

  Mum to Mac: I preferred you when you were wee and thought I was a superhero.

  Mac to Mum: Still do, Gritswoman.

  The pang of missing them just escalated yet again. No one made me laugh like my boys. Except, maybe Val, who was sitting next to me, dressed all in yellow.

  ‘Say a word about Big Bird and I’ll get violent,’ she’d warned us, when she came out to the car. Even Toni laughed.

  I’d glanced over at my niece, glued to her phone as always.

  My worry about Toni was still niggling. I’d already decided to call my brother while they were in flight and tell him about the text. Coming from the house we grew up in, with our dramatic mother and hard-drinking dad, Callum had developed a calm, rational approach to dealing with problems, so I knew he’d keep my revelation confidential, while keeping an eye on Toni at the same time. It was the best solution I could come up with.

  ‘I’ll just go park up,’ the driver – Leon, the same one who’d picked us up when we arrived – told us. ‘Just text me when you’re on your way out and I’ll circle round to get you.’

  I could so get used to this way of life.

  Inside the terminal, we checked the arrivals board first. Their plane had just landed, which meant they’d probably be at least an hour by the time they got through immigration.

  ‘Let’s check the bags in first,’ Carol suggested, ‘then maybe we can go for a drink.’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ I agreed, but rapidly changed my mind when I saw the gargantuan queue at the check-in desk.

  ‘Drink first, then check in?’ Val suggested, her blonde beehive acting in a periscope fashion as she scanned the area for a bar.

  Target located: Planet Hollywood, just outside security, around t
he corner from the BA check-in desk. I ordered up three vodka tonics and a Coke for Toni, then we claimed a table in the corner. I texted our imminent arrivals to let them know where we were.

  ‘Damn, look at that,’ Carol said, eyes on the flicking numbers on the departure board. ‘Delayed for two hours. Noooooo. Why don’t I have a private jet? I’m gonna ask your brother to buy me one for Christmas.’

  ‘I’ll see if I can find one on eBay,’ I told her, in the same tone I’d have used if she’d asked for fleecy slippers and a dressing gown. ‘Anyway, I know the delay is a pain, but at least you’ll get a few minutes with Kate and Jess.’

  ‘Yep, every cloud has a silver spoon,’ Carol whistled, completely unaware why Val, sitting next to her, was now shaking her head woefully. ‘What? What did I say?’

  Thankfully, the drinks arrived, taking the heat off.

  ‘You know, I can’t thank you enough for making me do this,’ I said to both Val and Carol. ‘I don’t think I realised how much I needed to be dug out of the rut I was in. This has really given me a chance to breathe and pull myself together a bit.’

  Val reached over and squeezed my hand. ‘You’re welcome, pet.’

  ‘I mean, obviously I’m still a hot mess and I’ve got no idea how my future looks,’ I admitted ruefully, laughing because it was absolutely true. ‘But I love you all and you’ve reminded me how much I need my friends and my family.’

  ‘Don’t have me filling up, because this eyeliner is fresh on an hour ago,’ Val pleaded, her voice emotional.

  ‘I don’t want to go home!’

  Toni’s outburst was so violent and sudden, so out of left field, that it took me a moment to register it.

  Carol was a picture of confusion as she looked quizzically at her daughter. ‘I know, sweetheart, but…’

  Toni had already turned to me, pleading, ‘No, I mean it. I don’t want to go. Aunt Carly, please let me stay with you and Aunt Val. I’ll be no bother. It’s just that… that… Don’t make me go home.’

  Carol reeled like she’d been slapped.

  ‘But, honey, why? Look, Toni, if there’s something wrong…’

  My heart was thudding. I should have told Carol about the text. I was a rubbish pal.

  ‘Aunt Carly, please. Let me stay?’ she begged. ‘I’m not back at college until next month, so it’s not as if I’ll be doing anything anyway.’

  ‘Well…’ I turned to Carol, trying to judge her thoughts by her expression alone, a tough job as she hadn’t had the ability to frown for a decade. Was she okay with Toni staying? Or not? And was anything I said going to be completely wrong and make her feel I was undermining her parenting? The bar was busy and I was fairly sure that no one else in the room was having a conversation as excruciating as this one.

  ‘I mean, it’s okay by me. If it’s okay with you. But if it isn’t, that’s cool. I mean, whatever works for you,’ I stuttered, losing the ability to form intelligent, cohesive sentences.

  ‘But the flight…’ Carol began, processing the info.

  ‘If it’s too late to change it, I’ll pay for a new flight out of my own money,’ Toni pleaded, sounding increasingly desperate.

  My heart was breaking for her and something in her voice sparked a reaction in Carol too.

  ‘You don’t need to do that,’ she turned to me, ‘but, Carly, are you sure?’

  ‘Of course! Yes! I’m sure it’ll be okay with Sam too.’

  Toni threw her arms around me and then stretched over to hug her mum, clearly assuming that she’d got her wish and oozing relief.

  ‘Anyone waiting for a couple of very attractive pals?’ Jess’s voice.

  We’d been so caught up in the moment, we hadn’t even realised that Kate and Jess had found us.

  I’m not sure the men in suits at the next table appreciated our squeals.

  Greetings over, Carol got up. ‘Here, one of you take my seat, I’m just going. Toni’s going to stay here with you, though. I’ll sort it out when I check in.’

  ‘Yay!’ Kate cheered, completely oblivious to the drama, but just happy to have Toni here with us for longer. Some said it took a village to raise a child. In our case, it took a group of pals who loved all of our offspring like they were our own.

  ‘I know it’s only a week until we come back, but we’ll miss you,’ I told Carol, hugging her again. ‘Give my brother my love.’

  ‘I will. Won’t miss you lot at all though. You know what they say…’

  We were all on the edge of our bar stools…

  ‘Absence makes the heartstrings wander.’

  Jess turned to me, reacting with her usual deadpan observational skills. ‘Thank God she can make a living on her looks.’

  Carol was too busy hugging Kate to hear Jess’s playful dig. Not that she would have cared anyway.

  After another round of kisses (mine) and tears (Val) and uncomfortable goodbyes (Toni), Carol grabbed her Chanel suitcase and matching trolley bag and waved goodbye, then glided off towards the check-in desk. I watched her go, until she disappeared out of sight, in awe of her ability to walk in four-inch heels as if they were flip-flops.

  ‘I’ll just text the driver and tell him we’re ready,’ I announced.

  ‘Oooooh, get her. Texting her driver. The week before she came here, she spent four days in her pyjamas. How quickly they change,’ Jess teased, lifting Carol’s glass and finishing off her drink.

  True to his promise, Leon was waiting outside, engine running. Toni and I loaded up Jess and Kate’s cases, then we all filed in to the back of the van: Val first, then, Jess, Kate, then…’

  ‘Stop! Wait!’

  It took me a minute, but… ‘Carol?’ I spun round, and there she was, looking uncharacteristically flustered.

  ‘These shoes are not meant for running,’ she gasped, her breathing heavy as she leaned on her case for support.

  ‘What’s wrong? Is your flight delayed again?’

  She was still trying to get her breath back. ‘Nope.’ Breath. ‘Got to the check-in desk.’ Breath. ‘Gutted to leave.’ Breath. ‘Thought what am I doing?’ Breath. ‘’Cause you know I hate to miss anything.’ Breath. ‘So thought, fuck it, I’m not letting you lot have a holiday without me. I texted Sam and he said it’s cool with him.’

  I was hugging her before she got the last word out.

  ‘Yaaayyyyyyy!’ came the chorus from the van. Even Toni looked thrilled.

  I had a sudden image of Estelle’s face when she realised that there would now be six of us instead of four. She’d be straight on the phone to one of her three therapists and the force of the frown might even snap her Botox. Shame.

  ‘I need you to do something though,’ Carol told me, when she climbed in to join the others.

  ‘Anything!’

  ‘Can you call your brother and tell him our two-week holiday is now three? He can’t divorce you.’

  ‘Absolutely. I’ll take the blame. I’ll say I need you here to keep me out of trouble’.

  There was an element of truth in there. With Toni here, we weren’t going to do anything too wild, reckless or crazy.

  At least, that’s what I thought.

  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

  16

  Sam’s Kitchen, That Evening

  What’s Love Got To Do With It? – Tina Turner

  I doubted that the soundproofing in Sam’s house had ever been tested by six women who were shrieking with laughter, tears streaming down their faces. On the way back from the airport, we’d stopped at a supermarket and bought a mountain of food and drink to replenish Sam’s stocks. We didn’t want him to think we were taking advantage of his generosity. Not that he would, of course, but it made us feel better about the oestrogen invasion of his home.

  When we’d arrived at the house, Sam and Estelle had already left for an event, so we’d had a quick change then settled round one of the kitchen islands with snacks and vino. Five hours later, we were still there, Chinese food had been added to
the equation and Arnie had restocked the kitchen wine fridge for us.

  Thankfully, I’d just finished the story of my bathrobe/flashing debacle (leaving out the bit where I went there with thoughts of fondling his body parts), when we heard the clipping of heels, announcing that Sam and Estelle had arrived home.

  ‘Sam Morton!’ Kate greeted him, sliding off her stool, arms wide. She was slightly tipsy, but still registered his tux. ‘You don’t scrub up too badly for an old guy.’

  Behind him, I saw Estelle’s perfect lips purse together. She just did not get our deprecating humour at all. I was fairly sure she was counting down the hours until we left and was indeed now totally dismayed to see that we’d added two more to our numbers.

  Kate wasn’t wrong about Sam, though. His hair was swept back, his suit was sharp and he was utterly, intoxicatingly handsome. Much as I hated to admit it, he and Estelle, in her deep navy Balenciaga gown (she’d dropped the designer into the conversation over breakfast, when she’d been describing her outfit for the night) and tumbling mane of caramel hair, looked perfect together. Definitely Movie Star Barbie and Ken now. Urgh.

  They’d been to an awards ceremony, where Estelle was being honoured for her humanitarian work. Not that I was making harsh judgements, but I had an inkling that her publicity team may have been involved in influencing that acclaim, because as far as we’d seen, her cup of human kindness wasn’t exactly overflowing.

  ‘You don’t look too bad yourself, Kate,’ Sam said warmly, immersing her in a hug.

  Jess was next. ‘Nah, he’s totally let himself go,’ she said, feigning disgust as she nudged Kate out of the way and took her place.

  My inner health and safety officer was suddenly concerned that Estelle was bristling so much she may split that Balenciaga frock, shooting sequins across the room. She could have someone’s eye out.