by Lia Lee
It had been an amazing feat for me to do it.
I climbed out of bed and walked to the bathroom where I turned on the shower. I undressed and stepped under the spray. I had to start editing the photos. Maybe that would get the handsome bartender out of my mind. Except, I had taken so many photos of him, it would be impossible to forget about him.
As I washed my hair and soaped up my body, I thought about Lee. I felt shy right away that I was naked in the shower and thinking about him. But he made me feel delicate when I was with him. It wasn’t something a lot of men managed to do. I usually felt like I was too big, too tall, too awkward compared to everyone else.
Jim had been tall, too. He’d had a similar build to Lee. But all I remembered about him now was fear. Fear and rejection. Judgment and pain.
What would he have said about what I’d done last night? How would he have punished me for being so bold? I shook my head, trying to physically shake off the thoughts. It didn’t matter what Jim would think because he wasn’t here. He wasn’t watching me anymore. He couldn’t tell me who I had to be ever again.
Dr. Boyer had told me time and time again to stop thinking about that. If I saw my world through the tainted shades Jim had forced on me I would never learn to love my life and love myself again.
It was a challenge, but I could do it. Jim was in the past. He didn’t matter. What mattered was that I was taking my life into my own hands and doing what I wanted to do. I was being the person I wanted to be.
Be the change, see the change.
I climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my hair. After I got dressed I turned to the full-length mirror and looked at myself. I turned to the side and looked at my profile, running a hand down my stomach. How could I reinvent myself and decide who I wanted to be if nature had decided that a part of me just wouldn’t be good enough?
It was another thought I pushed away. If I dwelled on what it meant to be a woman, that being a mother wasn’t something that would ever happen for me now, I would slip back into depression. I was living my life for me. It was enough. I hadn’t had that before either, and if I wasn’t going to be able to live my life for a child, after all, I had to make my life as full as I could to make up for it.
I might not have been able to give Jim the life he had envisioned for us, but that didn’t mean I was broken. I was worth it. Jim was wrong about me and he had trained me to be wrong about me, too. What I was doing now was changing what he had told me so that I could learn to love myself again. Because if I learned to love myself, one day, someone else could learn to love me, too.
After I finished editing the photos I had taken, I was impressed with what I had done. I saved them to a memory stick and put it in my handbag to hand to the Tourism Board later. First, I wanted to add to my collection. I wanted to present more than enough photos to show the woman I had been in contact with. She had been so glad I was willing to take on the job and she had encouraged me to put my own spin on it. It wasn’t often that my clients allowed me creative freedom.
Out here, where the mountains kissed the sky, and I was so small in comparison to the nature all around me, there was nothing but freedom.
After blowing out my hair and putting on makeup I headed out to take a couple photos of the pub in the daytime. I needed daylight photos to complete the online portfolio for The Pint. I also wanted to get a couple of shots in of the other storefronts.
I walked down the road with my camera and took in the views. Mount Rainier and Butter Creek Valley lay to the north and it was a majestic sight to behold. Despite being surrounded by mountains, the weather was pleasant and the sun smiled down on the small town. Townsfolk walked around going about their chores.
That thought caused me to wonder where Lee was and what he was doing right now. Probably sleeping after I had kept him up so late, talking on the bench. I wondered if I would run into him in town.
Instead of letting my mind drive me around in circles, I focused on the mountain views and the quaint storefronts, taking photos where the light fell perfectly between the buildings. I didn’t only shoot the town for the Tourism Board. I also indulged myself and took shots of nature, which was something I loved doing. Finding the perfect shot where the light was perfect and something as wild and uncontrollable as nature stood still for a moment so a human being could admire it was special. I lived for those moments when the universe came to a standstill and allowed me a glimpse into something that was perfect without me.
One day I was going to do an exhibit and display all the photographs I had taken of nature. One day, when I had the courage to put myself on display again.
I wandered around town for about an hour, taking photos of the town, the stores and the people. I tried to capture the essence of Packwood so anyone who saw the photos would have an idea of what they would experience if they came here. That was what my project was about.
When I had taken a few more photos I sat down on a bench and started going through them, deleting those I really didn’t like. I would have to edit what I kept now, but I wanted to show what I had in mind, first. I wanted confirmation that I was on the right track. I had been allowed creative freedom but my definition of creativity wasn’t always on par with my client’s. I had learned very early on in my career as a freelancer that there was no accounting for taste and that in order to get paid, I needed to give them what they wanted, no matter how horrible I thought it was.
I walked over to the Chamber of Commerce where I could meet with the woman who had hired me. She was on the Tourism Board. Her emails had been very friendly but I had yet to meet her in person.
When I asked to see Frankie Hopkins in person, the woman who came out to meet me wasn’t at all what I had imagined. She was much older than I had thought; close to retirement if I had to guess. She had a grandmotherly attitude to her and an easy smile.
“Oh, just look at you, pretty thing,” she said, when she greeted me. “I heard you were a hit at the pub last night. I can see why.”
I shook my head, confused. What did she mean, a hit at the club?
“Hannah couldn’t stop talking about you this morning. I’m glad I can finally meet you.”
“You know Hannah?” I asked.
“Of course. Everyone knows everyone around here.”
I guess that made sense. Packwood had a very small population and unless someone hid away in the mountains, isolated from everyone, the people in Packwood would know.
Frankie carried on, talking about everyone and everything in town. She was loud and peculiar, but I liked her right away. I loved people who had the confidence and the power to be this loud. They had nothing to hide and didn’t care what anyone thought of them. I didn’t know if I would ever get there, but I envied people like Frankie who could be completely themselves.
“You know, Sarah from the bakery, she told me that the only way to get publicity these days is by being on all these social media platforms. She said even the websites aren’t enough anymore. In my day, we did our best with word of mouth. The world is too small these days.”
I smiled and nodded. I had no idea who Sarah from the bakery was, but she did have a point. I listened to Frankie prattle on as I followed her into her office. She sat down behind her computer and I offered her the memory stick with the photos of the Pint before I offered her the cable to my camera to look at this morning’s photos.
“Oh, I like these,” Frankie said, going through the photos of the bar. “You really captured the feel of it. I like this. But I want something more, something that brings the feel of the people as well. Right now, it’s just the place.”
“I hear what you’re saying. How do you want to do that?”
Frankie shook her head, flicking through more of the photos. When she came across a photo of Lee, she chuckled.
“He’s a cutie, isn’t he? Such a good man. So sad he has no one.”
Lee was single. I was relieved to hear that. Everything that had happened between us last nig
ht would have been much more awkward if it had turned out he wasn’t single.
“He’s one of our best Rangers,” Frankie said.
“Ranger?”
“Oh, yes. He only helps Hannah out on his off days so he doesn’t get bored. He works as a Forest Ranger, scouring the hiking trails with his ATV, taking care of missing hikers or forest fires and the like.”
I hadn’t known that about Lee. And it made him infinitely more attractive.
“I would love to have a few shots of him in uniform. That will be a big pull, what do you think? Will you do that for me?”
“Of course,” I said. I was happy doing anything for my clients. Especially if it entailed seeing a stud like Lee again.
Chapter 5
Lee
On Sunday I got a call from Farrah. I hadn’t recognized the number, but answered anyway.
“I phoned around a little to get your number, I hope you don’t mind,” she said, her voice smooth and sultry on the other side of the line.
“Of course not,” I said.
“I was hoping I could ask you for help. Frankie at the Tourism Board wants a couple of photos of you in your uniform to add to the collection of photos I already took of the town.”
My heart sank a little. I had hoped she was calling because she wanted to see me again. She wanted to see me, but it wasn’t for the reason I had hoped. I couldn’t refuse her though. If I wanted to see her again I would take my opportunity any way I could get it. After her call, I went into my room and changed into my ranger uniform. It wasn’t surprising that Frankie wanted photos of me in my uniform. The old woman was like a grandmother to the town and she had commented on my uniform and how dashing I looked in it since the moment I had taken the Ranger job. That was more than ten years ago, now.
How time flew.
After getting changed I drove my truck down to town and waited for Farrah on the porch outside the office. Five minutes later, her neat little car pulled up and she climbed out. On Friday night she had walked everywhere. I had loved that about her.
When she walked toward me, she took my breath away. She looked like a ray of sunshine in a bright yellow summer dress that looked spectacular on her. The contrast of the bright yellow was beautiful against her dark hair and pale skin, and it made her eyes look like the color of fall skies. She had her camera bag slung over her shoulder and offered me a shy smile.
“Thank you so much for doing this for me on your off day,” she said. “I can’t imagine it was fun climbing into your uniform for this. It was all Frankie’s idea, and she seems like someone who typically gets what she wants.”
She was apologizing and I found it endearing. I didn’t mind doing this for her if it meant I could spend a bit of time with her. I had remembered her as an amazing woman. Now that I was with her I couldn’t stop staring. Again.
“I don’t mind,” I said. “I know what Frankie can be like, and I don’t mind helping out.”
She smiled and nodded, putting her bag down on the porch. She kneeled and started unpacking her gear. Putting a large lens on her camera, she aimed it at me, clicking a practice shot. When she checked the screen on her camera, she nodded.
“This is great,” she said.
She directed me, telling me where to stand and how to pose. She played with light and with position, with views of the mountain behind me and dapples of the sun shining through the leaves onto my uniform. She had a unique eye. Every time she took a couple of photos she showed me.
“You’re really good at this,” I said, when she showed me another batch.
She smiled and I could have sworn I caught her blushing.
“It’s my job,” she said.
I shook my head. “No, really. You have a natural eye. I mean it. Frankie did the right thing, hiring you for the job.”
She blushed again and this time it was clear. Her cheeks flushed and she looked down, smiling.
“What’s next?” I asked. I wanted more photos. I wanted to see her in action, more. When she was taking photos it was like she forgot about what she looked like to the world and I saw a side of her that I didn’t think most people saw. I didn’t know her at all but it seemed like she had a big burden to bear. But when I saw her like this it was like she put it all aside for a while and soared.
We wrapped up and I watched her slowly pull back into her shell again, the timid version of Farrah returning. She was still beautiful but that magnetic quality retreated until I wondered when I would see it again. I wanted to see more of her.
She showed me the last photos and explained to me what she was doing. I found it hard to focus on the pictures. I watched her face, her eyes that lit up when she explained why she had done something a certain way. Her mouth was mesmerizing when she spoke and it made me want to kiss her. I remembered the kiss, early Saturday morning. The stolen moment had been perfect.
I wanted to see if I could get her to come out of her shell like that again. To be bold again. That was what she was trying to do and I wanted to help her. Not only because I thought she was drop-dead gorgeous, but because I wanted to do that for her as a person. She deserved to be bold and beautiful, and to make her mark in the world. I wanted to be able to draw her out the way her photography did. I had seen a little bit of that on Saturday night, and I wanted to see more.
“Thank you for taking the time to do this with me,” Farrah said.
I nodded. “Anytime.” And I meant it. “Do you always put in this many hours?”
Farrah shook her head. “I charge per image usually, and I allocate time to taking a certain quantity. Frankie is paying me extra for this, but I put in more time because I’m enjoying it.”
She glanced up at me and blushed again, and I grinned. When she said she was enjoying it, she meant her time with me. Not just her time taking photos. It only drew me to her even more. I wanted to see if she would be bold with me again. I wanted to see if she would step out of the bubble she had created for herself and if she would test the waters.
When we had been on the bench together in the middle of the night, it was almost like the witching hour. Reality had receded and anything we did in those moments, no matter what it was, would have been a fantasy.
Now, we were out in broad daylight and I wanted to find the same magic.
“Why don’t you come inside and sit down for a bit?” I offered, gesturing to my office. We had been working outside with no breaks or even water.
Farrah hesitated a moment and I wondered what was on her mind. She nodded and offered me a small smile. I unlocked the office and invited her inside.
My office wasn’t very big or very cozy, but it was my space. I had been working in it for a decade and over the years had accumulated enough decorations—rare for me—to scream it was my space. The plant in the corner was a fake because I couldn’t seem to keep one alive. I could save an entire forest but couldn’t stop a fern from dying.
I had photos on the walls of Hank, Hannah and Dustin, and some of the other folks around town who had added to my life. I had a mini fridge that contained everything from yesterday’s leftover breakfast sandwich to a cold beer, and I had a change of clothes in case something went wrong.
“Water?” I offered, when she stepped into my office and looked around.
“Please,” she said, and stood awkwardly next to my desk. She sat her camera bag on the table. I was relaxed and felt comfortable bringing her into my space. She looked uncomfortable, out of place somehow, and seemed like she knew it, too. I wondered what had her so unsure of herself all of the sudden. There were moments when she opened up and her confidence was magnificent. She was graceful and elegant and the spark that shone through when she focused on her work was beautiful. But then there were times where she was closed off and awkward, unsure of herself, and looking almost apologetic for being here at all. I couldn’t figure her out. It almost made me want to ask her to take a few photos in here, just to get her to relax again.
But I wanted her to crawl out
of her shell without her camera. I wanted to see a part of her that came to the forefront because of me. It seemed selfish that I wanted to be the reason she lit up, but there it was.
I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and walked toward her. She had turned around to look at the photos on my wall. I walked up to her, stepping closer than I should have been. When she spun around, she bumped into me and I dropped the water bottle.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized.
I shook my head and bent to pick it up.
Farrah was flustered. When I straightened out she was mumbling something I couldn’t catch. I wanted to tell her to calm down. Accidents happened and it was no big deal.
She didn’t give me a chance. She stepped forward, clumsily pushing her body against mine and kissed me.
I was caught completely off guard and froze for a moment. Her eyes were wide as if she couldn’t believe what she had done. I put my hand on her hip, touching her gently in an attempt not to scare her. I kissed her back and her eyes fluttered shut. I lifted my other hand to the back of her head and balanced her between my lips and my hands. The kiss was careful but heat rushed through my body. Farrah was something else. I didn’t know what to expect with her and it was just a thrill to be with her. She was so shy, yet both times we had kissed, Farrah had instigated it. It made me want to see what else she had in mind.
We broke the kiss and I looked at her. She was only a little shorter than I was and when I stared into her blue eyes in the light of day, I realized there was a little green in them as well. For a moment, she’d had no reserves.
She was beautiful.
She cleared her throat and the moment was gone. She stepped away from me, looking down.
“I have to go,” she said and turned around, marching out of my office.
Chapter 6
Farrah
I drove all the way back to the motel before I stopped and thought about what I had done. I sat in my car in the parking lot, my heart beating in my throat.