by Lia Lee
Maybe it was because she had been so vulnerable and had put so much trust in me. A man liked to be a protector. She had stroked my ego when she had turned to me to help her be so bold.
For a short while, she had needed me. I liked being needed.
I evaded Hank’s questions the way I always did, and we headed out on the ATVs soon after to address our responsibilities for the day.
When I finally finished work it was late and I was exhausted. My mind was still on Farrah despite how hard I’d worked, so I had to do more to get rid of it. Despite my weariness, I headed to The Pint to work there with Hannah.
She frowned when I walked in. “You’re not usually here in the middle of the week,” my sister said.
I shrugged. “Since I took the two nights off over the weekend I thought I would make up for it, now.” It was an excuse, of course. But since I really had taken the weekend off for a change, Hannah bought it and I was glad she wasn’t questioning my motives. Hank had asked about what was bugging me once or twice before he gave up, but if Hannah figured out something was on my mind, she wouldn’t stop grilling me until I told her.
My sister missed nothing and let nothing slide. She was a pain in the ass if I ever tried to keep anything from her. For years, I’d had nothing to hide.
Dustin had the night off, so Hannah would have manned the bar alone, taking care of the few customers that came in on a Thursday night. During the week, the locals didn’t come out for a drink. The bar was mostly filled with tourists—people I didn’t recognize.
It was a good thing I had come to help. The bar filled faster than Hannah had anticipated, and it ended up almost as busy as it was on the weekend. Between the two of us, we managed, but barely. The one thing that was different when Hannah worked alongside me behind the bar was she didn’t flirt nearly as much as when she was walking from table to table, getting friendly with every male that occupied a seat.
I managed to forget about Farrah for a few hours, focusing on remembering orders, making drinks and ringing up the right amounts. I finally relaxed for the first time in days and it was a relief.
“Why are you so quiet?” Hannah asked, when we poured beer side by side.
“I don’t flirt with all my customers,” I quipped.
Hannah laughed. “If I didn’t know better I would say there was something on your mind.”
I pulled up my shoulders. “Good thing you know better.”
Full beers in hand, we went our own ways. I took the beer to the man who had ordered it. A tall brunette walked through the door and I looked up, my heart skipping a beat. When I realized it wasn’t Farrah, I swallowed hard and scolded myself for being such a pussy.
“I saw that,” Hannah said, suddenly next to me.
“Saw what?”
“You thought it was her, didn’t you?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Hannah laughed, and I knew she knew exactly what she was talking about. Hannah missed nothing and when she put two and two together, she got four every damn time. She wasn’t going to let go, I just knew it.
“I didn’t know the little photographer had made such an impression on you,” Hannah said, when she had a chance to talk to me again.
“No more than she’d made on everyone else. I heard you talking to Holly about how nice she was.”
“Holly doesn’t seem to like her,” Hannah said, leaning one hand on the bar. “Which tells me one thing.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“If Holly doesn’t like Farrah, it’s a sure bet that you do.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “That’s the worst deductive reasoning I’ve ever heard.”
“And that’s not a denial,” my sister said.
Thankfully, we had more customers and were too busy serving to talk anymore. I was relieved. My sister was right, of course. She was always right when it came to me and who I did and didn’t like around town. It never bothered me before, but now that she was on my case about Farrah, I wished she would miss something just once in her life.
Finally, the customers left and the bar closed. I helped Hannah clean up, wiping the bar and carrying glasses to the dishwasher.
“Are you going to tell me what it’s all about, or are you going to leave me to guess?” Hannah asked.
“Are we still stuck on that?” I asked.
Hannah chuckled. “Are you?”
God, she was irritating. Mostly because she was right.
“I’m headed home,” I said. “I still have to work tomorrow and I’m way past tired.”
Hannah folded her arms across her chest and watched me leave with a smirk on her face. I walked away with a poker face because I didn’t want her to know she was right.
Friday I was up early again and put in a day much longer than I needed to. When I was finally done, I was relieved. I had the whole weekend off and I was planning on camping in the mountains. I needed a break from town and I needed to clear my head. If I thought about everything, working it through in my mind in peace, maybe I could stop thinking about her and move on. I didn’t like that Hannah was bugging me about it now. I didn’t like that there was something for her to bug me about.
Farrah had only been a visitor in town, almost as fleeting as the other tourists. Her job had brought her here instead of a hike in the mountains, but she had left all the same. It was time I let go of the stupid thoughts that bounced around my mind. I was sure Farrah hardly thought about me. She had been a damsel in distress and I had been allowed to play hero for a weekend. That was it. But it was time for me to hang up my metaphorical cape and carry on being the hero of these mountains where I belonged. Farrah had only been a visitor. She hadn’t come to stay.
Chapter 12
Farrah
Every year I went to Dr. Hamish, a gynecologist that had been on my journey with me since I was sixteen. Dr. Hamish was older than most doctors I had been to before, but he was good at what he did and he had never made me feel like my problems were my fault.
Even when Jim had managed to convince me of it, Dr. Hamish had told me it wasn’t something that was in my control.
When I was sixteen I had started getting severe abdominal cramps. I’d had to miss school so many times it had affected my grades and it had taken a while before we had found a doctor that had been able to find out what was wrong with me.
I had endometriosis. Tissue that should have grown inside of my uterus had also attached itself to the outside, and as a result, my periods were heavy, irregular, and I cramped so badly I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t take my medication. The other side effect was that I couldn’t get pregnant.
This was my story and I had to accept it, no matter how much I’d started hating my body for not being able to do what nature had intended.
I saw Dr. Hamish once a year if all went well, just to keep an eye on how things were going. He made sure everything was the way it should be. Every year it was the same thing. I had to pee in a cup. I had to change into a stupid paper gown and never knew if the opening should be in the front of the back. I had to have a pap smear to ensure I had no other health risks.
Once a year I had to spread my legs for a man that knew my medical history. No matter how many times I did it, it was still invasive as hell and I hated going. Dr. Hamish had been really kind to me, but I didn’t like having to go. I hated that my body and my condition had put me in this position.
Lately, it hadn’t been so hard to switch off and distance myself from what was happening. I had learned with Jim to go somewhere else in my mind until whatever scared me was over. That I had become so good at it was a testament to how bad things had gotten with Jim, but I had reached a stage with him where I had believed that the problem had been with me. If I didn’t want sex, it had to be my fault. The same way that not being able to give Jim a baby was my fault.
The same way everything else had been my fault. I had closed my eyes and smiled through it, pretendi
ng everything was fine because it had been easier than putting up a fight. I never wanted to fight Jim if I could help it.
My thoughts were spiraling back into my past. Coming to Dr. Hamish caused that because the visit fell into the same category. Being here was all about studying my imperfections.
“Farrah,” Dr. Hamish said, when he came back into the examination room. He had a piece of paper in his hands and the look on his face wasn’t the look I usually saw when he came back with my results. My stomach sank. Something was wrong. Something worse had happened. I wasn’t ever going to get a break, was I?
“Uh-oh. Just give it to me straight,” I said, closing my eyes. I still wore the paper gown and my back was cold where it gaped. I started shivering out of fear.
When Dr. Hamish didn’t say anything, I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was still frowning at the piece of paper.
“Is it that bad?” I asked, in a small voice. Cancer was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Dr. Hamish looked at me with big eyes, his wrinkled face disbelieving. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “The results came back saying you’re pregnant.”
It took me a moment to register what he was saying.
“What?” I asked. “That’s impossible. Run the tests again.”
Dr. Hamish nodded. “I asked them to run it again. It doesn’t make sense.”
“So, it’s not cancer?” I asked carefully.
“Oh no. Gosh, no. I didn’t mean to give you a scare.”
I nodded. I still wasn’t sure what was going on. How could I be pregnant? For four out of the five years I’d been with Jim we had tried every avenue and I hadn’t been able to conceive. There was no way I had gotten pregnant now after a one-night stand in the mountains. When I thought about Lee my stomach tightened.
“I’ll be back. You can get dressed while you wait, and I’ll meet you in my office,” Dr. Hamish said and left. I did as he ordered, changing into my jeans and blouse, putting on my ballet flats. I checked my clothes in the mirror before leaving the exam room and going into his office. I sat there and waited for what felt like forever for Dr. Hamish to come back.
When he finally walked into his office, he was shaking his head. He sat down behind the desk and handed me the results. I took it from him and read it. There had to be some mistake.
“It says I’m pregnant,” I said.
Dr. Hamish nodded. “It’s very faint. It’s obviously quite new, you’re barely a week along. But it’s definitely there.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“I don’t either. But Farrah, sometimes miracles happen.”
I swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat. I had wanted a baby for years. I had always envisioned myself as a mother. When I had first learned that I couldn’t get pregnant it had become an obsession. After Jim and I had tried everything, it had been hard to admit defeat. It had changed my view of myself, the way I approached my relationship, and how I had felt about being with Jim whenever he wanted to be intimate. It had changed everything.
And now? Now I was pregnant.
“Congratulations, Farrah.” Dr. Hamish said, smiling. I offered him a smile in return, but I wanted to break down in tears. I had no idea how to feel about this news I had just received. I had no idea what to do.
When I finally left the office I couldn’t wait until I reached my car before tears streamed down my face. I had wanted this for so long, but having it now seemed surreal. The whole thing was crazy. How was this even possible?
I cried all the way home. When I got there, I turned on the shower and stepped under the water. I turned the hot water up and sat down on the shower floor, letting the water wash over me, blocking out the world. Everything Jim had ever said to me flashed through my mind.
A real woman would be able to give me a child.
This is because you were drinking last week. You can’t do all these things when we have plans.
What did you think I was going to do when I found out you can’t have kids? Tell you it’s fine and go on? I want children and that’s not going to change.
We’ll do it every night until it works. It has to work. Don’t turn me down. Don’t deny me a child.
I cried. I cried until I had no tears left and the hot water was cold. I wasn’t crying about the baby that was apparently growing inside of me. I cried because of everything I had come to believe about myself, and everything I’d had to endure. I cried because, for the first time, I believed Jim might have been wrong about me.
Nothing Dr. Boyer had ever said to me had changed my mind about myself the way this pregnancy had done in a matter of minutes.
But, like Dr. Hamish had said, it was very early. There was still a chance I could miscarry. I didn’t know if that was likely with my condition, but I had to be realistic about the baby. I had to see it as a maybe.
Except, I didn’t want to. I wanted to believe this was real and that it would stick. I had wanted a child for so long and this was something I deserved after everything I had been through. Even if I was in it alone.
I turned off the water that was cold now and toweled off. I dried my hair. My mind spun with everything that would be changing now. I could have a baby with my job. As a freelance photographer, I could make it work. I made enough money to do it on my own. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me. I could do it alone.
But I wasn’t in this alone, was I? I hadn’t made this baby by myself. There was a father out there in the mountains and as far as he knew, I couldn’t have children.
My stomach sank when I thought of Lee. I had told him that I needed to be bold and he had helped me. We hadn’t used protection because after years of trying so hard without success, contraception was the least of my worries. But inexplicably and against all odds, I am pregnant.
I had to tell Lee. Even if I ended up losing the baby, he deserved to know. But if I went there to tell him, he would think I had tricked him. I had told him about my problems and he had taken my word for it. He had trusted me. What would he think of me now if I went there with the news that I was pregnant? He wouldn’t believe that I’d told him the truth. If it was impossible for me to get pregnant, how could I be pregnant with his child?
I knew it was his baby without doubt. I hadn’t been with anyone else since Jim had walked out on me. I had been too busy scraping myself off the floor, picking up the pieces and going to therapy, trying to reverse the impacts of what Jim had done to me. I hadn’t even considered being with anyone else. It was only because a year after my breakup, Dr. Boyer had suggested I try to be bold. That was what encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and start making bolder choices.
While it made perfect sense to me, it would seem very unbelievable if I looked at it from an outsider’s point of view.
I would need to bring along evidence of everything that had been said if I was going to face Lee. I had to show him that I hadn’t lied about it. That I hadn’t tricked him into being a father. And if he wanted nothing to do with me, I had to accept it. Realistically, he probably wouldn’t want to see me ever again after he found out.
He would blame me. Of course he would. I was used to that. Jim had conditioned me to take the blame for everything.
I was terrified and for a moment, considered not telling Lee at all. I could handle it by myself. But that wasn’t the point, was it? It was about Lee’s right to know what had happened. He had the right to know he had a child, especially if I was going to keep it.
And after wanting this baby so badly for all these years, I was damn sure going to keep it.
Which meant that I had to pay Lee a visit. I had to get all my facts together and drive back to Packwood to talk to him. I hadn’t thought I would ever see him again. I hadn’t thought I would return to Packwood anytime soon.
And now, as soon as I could gather the information required, I would be heading out there again—to tell him that I was pregnant with his child.
Lee
My weekend in the mountains had done wonders to clear my mind and help me realize what was important in life. I couldn’t be hung up on Farrah. It was affecting my work. I was barely sleeping, I wasn’t eating right and I was overworking myself. I had to stop obsessing about it and the weekend had helped me do that.
When I arrived back in Packwood on Sunday evening, I felt like a new man. I was ready for a normal week ahead, focusing on the right things. Hank and I had a job to do and I was going to help out my sister the way I had always done. The tourists and hikers would come and go the way they always did and there was no reason to be stuck on someone the way I had been stuck on Farrah.
I couldn’t let every pretty face that came across my path distract me like that. But Farrah had been different, I told myself. She wasn’t only a pretty face. She had been interesting, smart and complicated.
But I pushed the thoughts away because had to stop thinking about her.
The forest ranger offices were right next to the tourist bureau. As a result, we often had visitors that we had to redirect to the tourism offices. Every now and then a tourist ended up on my doorstep when someone else needed to help them instead.
It was late when I returned from my camping trip and I had to swing by the office to pick up a few files I wanted to look over tonight sometime before I headed to the office in the morning. I may have decided that I was over Farrah, but I still wanted to be sure I had something to do if I couldn’t keep her off my mind.
I was in the office when I noticed a car pull up. Whoever was looking for the tourist office on a Sunday evening was going to have to wait until Monday morning, no matter who they were looking for.
When I stepped outside, I noticed the car. My heart tripped and I couldn’t help a smile breaking over my face when the driver stepped out.
Farrah looked like a dream. Her dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail and it made her face look almost regal. She walked toward me and I noticed again how graceful she was.