by Lia Lee
So much for all that time I had taken to get her off my mind. The moment I saw her again, none of it mattered. I had missed her the whole week, thinking I’d never see here again, and now here she was.
She didn’t look as happy to see me as I was to see her though. Her face was serious and she walked toward me, as if she wasn’t sure if I was going to welcome her. I frowned. Something was wrong.
“Are you alright?” I asked, when she reached me.
She didn’t answer me. Without saying a word she took a large brown envelope out of her bag and handed it to me.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“It’s so you don’t think I lied to you,” she said.
I frowned, looking at the file again. What was she talking about? She looked so serious it had to be something big, but I couldn’t figure out what she was going on about. I opened the file. It was filled with medical papers, jargon I didn’t understand and sheets that dated back several years.
I shook my head and closed the files again.
“Why don’t you just tell me what this is about?” I asked.
Farrah looked around. “Can we go inside?” she asked, looking resigned.
Nodding, I turned, stepping back into the office. I closed the door behind her and she took a seat in the chair across from my desk. I sat down and looked at her, waiting for her to tell me what the hell was going on.
I hadn’t expected to see her again, never mind so soon after she had left. And I hadn’t expected her to look like she was on the verge of breaking down.
Farrah swallowed hard and I watched as she struggled to find the words. I wasn’t sure if she was struggling with another one of her inner conflicts, or if something was seriously wrong. What could she possibly tell me? That she was in a relationship? I would be pissed off, but it had nothing to do with me. Farrah and I weren’t a thing so I had no right to exclusivity. She couldn’t tell me anything else that would really make a difference, could she? I tried to figure it out and couldn’t find anything.
I barely knew the woman. I was wildly attracted to her and we had spent a wonderful night together, but I didn’t know anything about her that she hadn’t told me herself last weekend.
“Farrah,” I said, when she was quiet for a long time. She was tripping herself up, I could see it. She was so damn scared to talk to me she couldn’t even find the words. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
She looked at me for only a second before she started to cry.
Shit.
I had no idea what to do with a crying woman. For a moment I wondered if she was one of those crazy emotional types and I had gotten myself ensnared without knowing about it. But Farrah wasn’t like that. I knew she wasn’t. Holly, who was too young to be with me and too young to stubborn to accept that I wasn’t ever going to be with her, maybe. But not Farrah. She wasn’t like that.
She took a deep breath, trying to rein in her tears.
“I’m sorry,” she said, unable to stop the tears from streaming down her cheeks. I wanted to walk around the table and hold her. She was even more vulnerable than the woman that had told me she needed me to help her be bold. She was breaking apart in front of me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Instead of walking around the desk and holding her the way I wanted to, I let her fall apart alone. She was here to tell me something, and by the looks of things, it wasn’t good. I wasn’t sure what it could be. What could be important enough to have her drive all the way back to Packwood and sit down in front of me crying?
For a moment I wondered if it would be better if she spoke to a woman, instead.
“Do you want me to call Hannah?” I asked.
Farrah looked up at me, frowning.
“Maybe it will be easier to talk to a woman.” I wasn’t sure how I could help her. I was just a man and a crying woman scared the living shit out of me. I just didn’t know how to deal with the tears. I was good with everything else. I could handle broken bones or blood or even screaming and shouting, but I just wasn’t equipped for an emotional meltdown.
Farrah shook her head. “I need to talk to you about this. Hannah won’t be able to help me, no matter how great she is.”
I nodded slowly. I had hoped I could get my sister to come to the rescue, but it looked like I was in this alone. Farrah fished around in her handbag for a tissue and found nothing. She sighed and more tears rolled down her cheeks as if that was the last straw.
“I’ve always wanted kids,” Farrah said, finally talking. “When they said I couldn’t, I fought so long and so hard, but I finally gave up. I would never have had sex without protection if I’d known.” She started crying again. “Please, don’t hate me.”
What was she talking about?
“Why would I hate you?” I asked, still not understanding.
Farrah cried harder and I started to piece what she was saying together. The file. The trip. Her talk about protection and having kids. Farrah was telling me that she was having a baby.
My baby.
I was trying not to freak out. She hadn’t put it into so many words, but I had figured it out for myself. She was pregnant.
It didn’t make sense. None of it did. The first thing that popped into my mind was that she had told me that she couldn’t get pregnant and like a fool, I had trusted her. Idiot.
But then I looked at her, eyes red-rimmed from crying, and the look on her face like her world had been shattered. She didn’t look like a woman who had successfully tricked me. She looked like her world had just been upended. She hadn’t planned this any more than I had, and she had been just as blindsided as I was.
I had no idea how I felt about this. Maybe the shock hadn’t set in yet. I lived my life as a single man. It was my job to take care of tourists and hikers during the day but when I was off-duty, the only person I had to look out for was me. I didn’t have a problem with family, the right person just hadn’t come along. Now that it was happening, I realized I had to start thinking bigger than I did right now.
Still, the shock I had expected didn’t come. I wasn’t freaking out, I wasn’t upset or angry. I wasn’t much of anything. I was holding it all at arm’s length, studying the situation as if it was something I could hold in my hand and look at until I was comfortable with what it was.
Before I knew how I felt about it, I wanted to know exactly what I was looking at. The way she sat in front of me reminded me that she wasn’t a woman with an agenda. I had been with enough women to know what that looked like, and this wasn’t the same. Farrah was as honest and open as she had been from the start. She seemed genuine, which was what had hooked me from the start.
I looked it the file she had given me again. She had brought this to me as evidence, to show me that she hadn’t been lying to me or tried to trick me. It was enough. I didn’t need to read through it all to believe her. I wanted her to tell me in her own words what had happened. I wanted Farrah to tell me her story, instead of reading it in a medical file where everything was harsh and black on white.
When I looked at Farrah, I decided this wasn’t something we were going to do without water, tissues and a lot of compassion. I stood and walked to the little fridge. I took out a bottle of water for Farrah and a beer for me. I wasn’t going to do this without something to help me through. I handed her a towel to dry her eyes, because I realized I was out of tissues, then I walked back to my desk.
“Listen,” I said to her. She looked at me and her blue eyes were bright from crying. Her eyes were amazing. Today they were cerulean, changing with her mood. “I’m not angry, and I could never hate you. Just take a deep breath.”
She did as I suggested and blew it out again with a shudder. I could only imagine how hard this had to be for her.
“Now, tell me what happened.”
Chapter 14
Farrah
He didn’t look like he hated me. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t freaking out, he wasn’t screaming and shouting. I had prepared myse
lf for all of the above. I had been certain that the moment I told him, he would blame me for all of it.
How many women out there had tricked men by getting pregnant with their child and trapping them into marriage, or paying child support for years and years? I didn’t know, but I had heard stories like that before. I had always found it hideous and couldn’t understand how someone could ever do that.
Now that I was pregnant I could see how it might look and I had been terrified that Lee would think that was exactly what I had done. The whole drive here I had been so scared my stomach had cramped and I had been nauseous. It had felt like the symptoms of endometriosis all over again.
But Lee wasn’t doing all the things I had feared he would do. He was staying impossibly calm. He had given me a towel so I could dry my face and blow my nose. He had given me a bottle of water, even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to swallow anything yet since my throat was so tight from crying.
Now, Lee sat across from me with a calm look on his face as he asked me to explain things to him. As simple as that. He asked me to tell him what happened.
Why wouldn’t he look at the file? Why was he asking me to hash it out for him? But it was the least he deserved. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm myself. This was my story. I could tell him that. All I needed to do was focus on the facts.
“When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with endometriosis,” I said. “Do you know what that is?”
Lee shook his head. I gave him a quick breakdown, ignoring all the medical jargon and putting it into laymen’s terms, the way Dr. Hamish had explained it to me once upon a time. Lee looked uncomfortable when I talked about my uterus and periods and the like but I pushed through. I needed him to understand exactly what was going on.
“I spent a lot of time in hospitals. I wasn’t a stranger to pain. Trying to live with it the first few years was horrible. But as I got older, I settled into it and eventually didn’t think it would get any worse—until I found out I couldn’t have children.”
I shuddered, remembering how shattering it had been when Dr. Hamish told me that.
“I was in a long-term relationship until about a year and a half ago. Despite the knowledge that I couldn’t have children, Jim insisted. Having a family was the most important thing to him, and I tried. God knows I tried. We tried it all. Treatments, tests and hospital stays. We read every book, tried every method. Treatments and more hospital stays. He was sure if we kept try and trying, it would work. More pain and more disappointment. He had been so sure we would live happily ever after, but in the end, I couldn’t give him a child. And if I couldn’t give him a baby, he didn’t want me.”
I glanced at Lee to see how he was taking it. His face was passive. There were no signs of anger or judgment. He was merely listening to my story.
Either this man was very patient or he hadn’t yet processed any of it. But I powered on. He had asked me to tell him, so that was what I was going to do.
“It was hard when Jim left me because I was infertile. I didn’t know how to cope with it. I felt like I wasn’t whole, that I was lacking as a woman. Over the course of our relationship, he kind of conditioned me to see that everything was generally my fault. It took me a very long time to crawl back out of my shell, and to fight the depression I dropped into after he left.”
Lee frowned slightly, the first reaction I had seen since starting my story.
“I was devastated and felt like I didn’t have what it took to make it through. Eventually, I realized I was going to die if I didn’t do something with my life. At some point, I started seeing Dr. Boyer, and gradually she helped me see that I needed to be positive and move forward with other things. I still had my career and my friends and a whole life in front of me. I promised myself I would be bolder and try to live my life. There were a lot of people around who didn’t have children, but I ignored the fact that they didn’t have children because they didn’t want any. All I could see was that I didn’t have any because I couldn’t. And then I met you.”
Lee turned his eyes away from me and faced the window. The sun had nearly set and it was getting darker in the office. Lee hadn’t made a move to switch on the lights or close the blinds. It was almost as if he hadn’t wanted to bother me. Just as I thought it, and now that I had stopped talking, Lee stood up and switched on the light. He walked to the window and closed the blinds, and now we were closed within the office together, the warmth of the light a little jarring after we had sat in the safety of the darkness together.
“I’m so sorry,” I finally said. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t think it was possible. For so long, I had tried so hard that it seemed impossible. And that was what the doctors always concluded, after going through all their tests and trials. It never occurred to me that it was even possible. I just don’t want you to hate me. If I could turn back time, I would insist on a condom, and tell you anything could happen. But I didn’t know that, then.” I chuckled without expression. “It’s ironic to say it when everything that could have happened to me, did.”
Lee shook his head. He still didn’t look upset or angry. He looked sympathetic again, the same way he had when I’d told him I couldn’t have children that night at the motel. I had asked him to help me be bold and he had looked at me like he understood where I was in my life, and knew how much I needed him.
Why was he so damn understanding? I didn’t understand it. If he screamed and shouted and said terrible things, it would have been hard, but at least I would have understood it. I understood anger and resentment. I knew what it looked like when I was the cause of the trouble.
“You keep saying you don’t want me to hate you,” Lee finally said. I nodded. “But like I said before, I can’t hate you and never would. So, you’re having my baby. It’s a bit of a surprise, but from what I can tell, it’s not your fault. And it’s not like I didn’t have a part in it myself.”
I shook my head. This didn’t make sense. He was being nice to me.
Lee looked like he was thinking and I let him be alone with his thoughts. I wanted him to work through it all and tell me what it was he wanted to say when he was done. I didn’t trust the peace and worried it was just the silence before the storm broke through and I heard how he really felt.
When he finally spoke, he caught me off guard.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“Dinner. I was about to head home. It’s late and I haven’t eaten since lunch. Do you want to have dinner with me?”
Nodding slowly, I realized I was actually hungry. I hadn’t eaten all day, too stressed about coming here to talk to Lee.
“My truck is parked outside. You can follow me to my cabin.”
He stood up and handed me the medical file I had brought to him. He still hadn’t done any more than glance over the first few pages. I took it from him and tucked it back into my bag. Maybe he would ask for it, later.
We stepped outside and Lee clicked off the lights and locked the door, then headed to his truck. I followed with my car. He drove out of town a short distance, then followed a small road into the forest. The road weaved through the trees at a steady incline until we turned off onto a dirt road that was even smaller and more obscure than the one we’d been on. Finally, Lee turned into a driveway and parked his truck beneath a carport. There were more parking spaces so I pulled in next to him.
Lee climbed out and we walked toward a small log cabin. He unlocked the door and we stepped inside.
The cabin was like something from a fairy tale, complete with a fireplace in the small living room, an open plan kitchen and a bedroom off to the side. The walls were of thick log beams and the floor was made of wooden planks with rugs thrown over it here and there. A set of antlers was mounted against the wall above the fireplace and the entire cabin was neat and clean.
This was where Lee lived.
He walked in, switched on lights as he went, an
d the place lit up—cozy, warm and welcoming.
“I’ll be right back,” Lee said, and disappeared into the bedroom. He closed the door and I was left alone to look around. There were a few photos on the walls. I recognized Hannah, Dustin and Holly in a group photo at the pub. Another photo had Lee in his uniform with what appeared to be another ranger. Lee had a life out here. My stomach turned as I thought about what I was messing up.
When Lee opened the door again he was dressed in casual slacks and a t-shirt. He had changed out of his uniform and somehow it made him look more approachable.
“Can I get you anything?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Right, so what do you want for dinner? I had planned to cook chicken and veggies. Do you have any dietary requirements?”
What kind of a man asked that? He was so attentive.
“I eat pretty much anything,” I said.
“Right,” Lee said. “Come on into the kitchen with me. We can chat while I cook.”
He brought me a chair from the small dining table so I could sit with him in the kitchen.
After a moment, sitting seemed awkward, so I spoke up. “I can help,” I said.
Lee gave me the ingredients for a salad and I chopped it up while he put the chicken on the grill. He asked me how my week was. He asked about my work, how I had gotten into photography, and how I had decided to make it my source of income. I braced myself for a conversation about the pregnancy but he didn’t go there.
I was struck by how comfortable it felt to be in this cabin. How normal it seemed. He was so kind and calm, and somehow he made me feel right at home. Why wasn’t he pissed off? Why wasn’t he freaking out? Why did he take my word for it when I said I hadn’t planned this? I didn’t understand him at all.
Lee cooked chicken, then added vegetables and the great smell soon filled the cabin. It was amazing.
“What about your job?” I asked, after I’d told him about mine. “How do you decide to be a ranger?”