by Cassie Mae
Everyone…but me. “So, if they called my number, and I was too far out of it to answer, what would’ve… I mean, how…?”
I sit up, and he stares in my eyes again. He looks like he wishes he could give me an answer that would ease my mind, but he doesn’t. “Whoever picked your number, would’ve won by… default.”
All my insides shrivel up. I clench my legs together and pull my knees to my chest, Levi’s arms loosen around me, but they don’t let go. There were hands on my body. Hands and yelling and laughing. Warm breath on my face. I don’t remember much of anything after that. Only outside when the cool breeze took over and woke me up enough to hear Adam and Levi. But before that, anything could’ve…
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
“It’s messed up, I know.”
“No,” I wiggle out of his arms, putting a bit of space between us. Heat is starting to lick every inch of my insides. “I mean, really sick.”
He starts to move off the bed. “Do you need a bucket? A trash can?” He looks around the room for anything I could use to puke in, but that’s not the sick I’m talking about.
I feel more violated than before. I’m trying to dissect my body to see if it’s different in any places. But I just feel sore. And that freaks me out.
“No.” I pull my knees closer. “I’m tired. I need to sleep more or something. I need to make it go away for a while. Sleep it away. I need to just sleep it away.”
He pushes the comforter back, and I crawl into it, shaking and forcing myself to close my eyes. Even though all I see now behind my lids is what I couldn’t see before. Horrible images and a million different candidates.
I hear Levi move back to the floor, and I wonder if he’s ever going to sleep. He probably should sleep, but he won’t until I tell him it’s okay. But before I do, I have to know…
“Um, Levi? Did you see who it was who had my number? Who… won by default?”
“What?”
“All these faces keep playing through my head. I don’t know why, but I just want to know what the right face is, so I can avoid him, or castrate him, or—”
Arms are around me again and I jump, still somewhere in my nightmare. Levi waits till I’ve calmed down, then pulls me tight against him.
“No one touched you. Not a single person there. I promise. Adam pulled you off Sydney and dragged you from the house before anyone could lay a hand on you.”
“And Sydney?”
“I got her.” Levi pushes my face back, taking it in his palms. “No one touched you.”
A warm wave runs through my body, relaxing my limbs and making me melt further into him. I fall on him again, putting enough of my strength into getting him to stay on the bed with me. To hold me and protect me from all the bad guys out there.
“Thank you,” I whisper, right before I start to drift off again.
He clears his throat, and his voice comes out a little soggy. “You’re welcome.”
I want to sleep, but his hitched breaths and sniffles make it near impossible. I pull his head into my shoulder and cry with him till we’ve both run out of energy to do anything but dream.
Chapter 17
I’m never going to make the first move ever again.
Adidas should make a popcorn scented cologne. Something with the word “comfort” in it, because that’s how it makes me feel when I inhale Levi’s black Cineplex polo. He’s still asleep, nose pushed into my pillow, and only one of his eyes is visible. His mouth is wide open, and a trail of drool travels down the corner of his lip. One arm is flopped over my stomach while the other is probably dangling off the edge of the bed. His legs are miles apart from each other, taking up the entire space at the bottom of the mattress. I’m sort of trapped underneath him, but I don’t care at all. I’ll just quickly shut my eyes when he opens his and do the fake snore thing so he’s not embarrassed about basically sleeping on top of me.
I wish I could reach up and touch his floppy blond hair. Even if I could move, I’m not sure if I’d have the guts to touch him like that. He’d probably wake up and be all, “Uh, why the hell are you petting me?”
Something vibrates near my hip, and before I can shut my eyes to do the fake sleep thing, Levi flies from the bed and says, “Who’s there?” to my closet. A giggle rumbles past my lips, and Levi turns to look at me, ears flaming. He blinks a few times, then his shoulders relax. “Uh, hey.”
“Hey,” I say back, sitting up. My belt buckle digs into my bellybutton, and I make a face as I adjust these stupid pants. I think I’ll have to cut them off to get out of them.
He yawns, stretching his arms, and his shirt raises enough for me to catch skin. I zap my eyes to the ceiling so he doesn’t catch me drooling, even though he just poured all over my pillow.
“I think your phone went off,” I tell the ceiling.
The mattress squeaks when he sits back down. I bring my gaze to his back as he opens his cell.
“Ah crap.” He twirls around to check my alarm clock. “I’m late for work.”
“Is that who called?”
He shakes his head, yawning again before he answers. “No, it was Adam. He said Sydney’s doing okay.”
I toy with the chain on my pants, nodding to my knees. I’m happy she’s okay, but I also have to shove the desire to tear her a new one via text deep into my gut and save it for later. Levi’s already late for work, and if I start crying and yelling obscenities at my phone, he’d probably stay.
“What about you?”
“Huh?”
He bends a leg and settles it on the bed as he turns toward me. “Are you doing okay?”
I flop back on my pillows and stretch my limbs, taking inventory of all my body parts. Nothing feels tired or sore. Just feels like I woke up from a long nap. And my brain’s back, so that’s good.
“I’m good. Everything seems to be functioning normally.” Or as normal as they can with Levi sitting on my bed. I sigh, then hoist myself upright again. That damn belt buckle is going to split me in half.
He laughs at whatever face I make. “That’s good, but I meant, are you okay?”
Besides the fact one of my best friends is in deep shit with me, I actually am okay. Thanks to my other friends. Thanks to him.
My fingers won’t stop shaking as I reach for his hand. “Totally fine. Thank you for… you know, all of what happened.”
He nods, but his face gets sort of funky looking. Like he’s trying to be happy, but he’s not doing a very good job of it. Poor guy needs more sleep.
“I gotta run,” he says, sliding from the bed. I get to my feet too. We walk to the front door in silence. I’m not sure if it’s because we have nothing to say, or because we don’t want to wake my parents up. It doesn’t really matter because he holds my hand the whole way.
He turns around when we get to the porch and tugs me in an airtight hug. I hold onto him as long as he lets me. The words “Thank you” never seem to be enough, so I keep quiet.
He smells so warm and safe. Without even thinking I turn my face to his cheek, breathing hard and having a hell of a time concentrating on anything but the light scruff on his chin and how his hands inch up my back.
My heart goes crazy, and party poppers shoot off in my stomach. I think I’m going to kiss him. I keep tilting my face toward him, inching my lips closer to his. My eyes lift to his to make sure he doesn’t look totally grossed out. I see slight panic, a smile, and probably something he sees written all over my expression.
Turned on as hell.
I smile and get up on my tippy toes to close the distance, but he starts talking, stopping me in my tracks.
“I like you,” he blurts, and his cheeks blossom red.
“I like you, too,” I manage to croak out, my lips ready to jump off my face and glue themselves to his.
He smiles, and I reach up to try this again.
“I like you, Sierra, a lot…but—”
“But?” I fall back on my heels. “There’s a bu
t?” Why is there a but? I step back, and he gives me this sorry look, and I want to kill the word “but.” It’s the worst word in the history of words. I close my eyes and start rubbing my temples, knowing he’s about to tell me I’m not band geeky enough, or I’m a dink who can’t form sentences around him, or he doesn’t like me that way, or whatever it is. And after last night, after everything he did, I don’t want to think about the “but,” I want to think about the “I like you.”
He opens his mouth, and I stop him before he gets into it.
“Can you not tell me the rest? Can we just leave it at I like you and you like me? I know it doesn’t make sense, but I don’t think I want to hear the rest right now. I’m not self-conscious or anything,”—Big fat lie—“but I’m tired and you’re tired and after everything that happened last night, I just want to leave it like this. For a little bit. If that’s okay. I mean, if you want to tell me, I guess that’s fine, but I’d really just like to fake it for a while.”
The corner of his mouth quirks up. He shakes his head as quiet chuckles creep out his lips. “I like your rambling, too.” He removes the distance I put between us, and my cheeks warm. “And I don’t have to fake it. I do like you. And if you want, I’ll leave the ‘but’ out for now, but we probably should talk about it at some point.”
“Okay.”
He hugs me tight again, swinging wildly away from my face. I pout over his shoulder, lips tingling with rejection. Is it because I’m sixteen? Or maybe because he’s a senior, and he’ll be off to college soon. Or maybe I have a huge zit I haven’t seen yet. Or he hates morning breath and doesn’t want our first kiss to be riddled with the stuff. Or maybe he has an incurable disease, and he doesn’t want to get attached to anyone. Or he likes Blinky. He could hate the way I snort, or he saw my scrawled love notes and wants to bolt. What if I’m too skinny? Too fat? Too dorky? Too quiet? Too loud? Maybe he likes blonds. Or redheads like Zoe. Maybe he likes Zoe. I’m just the kid sister.
Holy heavens, maybe I should’ve heard the “but.”
He pulls away and puts a ton of space between us. Like a zillion miles. “I gotta go. I’m already late. My boss is gonna chew my a—”
“Levi?”
I whip around to Zoe barreling down the stairs. She gives Levi a once over in his uniform, and her brow furrows. “Are you heading to work? Or just getting off?”
Levi keeps his gaze over my head. I feel like I could shrink into the door frame and no one would notice.
“Both.” He tries to laugh. “I was just telling your sister that I gotta run.”
Sister? I’ve lost my name.
Zoe crosses her arms over her waist, trying to raise an eyebrow, but since she can’t her head cocks to the side instead. “I can take your shift if you want. You look dead on your feet.”
“Nah, I need it.”
They share this look like they know something I don’t. Zoe nods and offers an apologetic smile. My shoulders slump as I lean against the door, twisting the handle as if it’ll teleport me back to last night when Levi was holding me in my bed and not sharing meaningful looks with my sister.
“Well, I’ll see ya later.” Levi’s eyes go to me for a second, then they dart to his scooter, along with the rest of him. I watch him buzz off down the road, wondering what it is about me that’s so big that it trumps the fact he likes me.
“You okay?” Zoe asks, leaning against the other side of the door frame.
I nod, still looking at where Levi rounded the corner.
“Did he say something to you?”
Yes. He said a lot. He spent the night in my room. He pulled me from a drug party. There’s so much that went on, but I suddenly feel like I’m on the Ambien, or whatever sedative it was, and I don’t have the energy to talk about it. Zoe sighs, her patience level about as high as a toothpick.
I look at my bare feet and mutter the only thing I want to mention or remember. “He said he liked me.”
***
The grass in Adam’s front lawn is going brown. There’s a big pile of leaves in the corner, but it rained last night or something, because it’s not fluffy but soggy and matted into the grass. I hop up the two steps it takes to get to his door and ring the doorbell. I really hope he’s taken Sydney home, because I don’t want to see or talk with her for probably the rest of my life.
Adam creaks the door open, adjusting his white pocket tee. He lets out a whoosh of air when I barrel into him, squeezing him tight and knocking his glasses askew with my shoulder. “Thank you,” I say into his neck, then the tears I didn’t think were still in there fall out, and he wraps his arms around my waist and holds me till I’m dry.
When we drop arms, he gets us drinks and leads us to his room. I take my normal spot on the plaid-covered bed while he sits at his desk. He grabs a pen and clicks until there’s a steady background beat to our conversation.
I toy with the bedspread, noticing the rumpled sheets. “Sydney slept here?” I ask, my voice tight.
“Yeah.” Click, click, click. “She left about an hour ago.”
I pop the top on my Coke. I don’t think I’ll drink Pepsi again for the rest of my life. “Did she tell you—?”
“What she gave those guys as ‘payment?’” He stops clicking to highlight something in the open textbook on his desk. “No. But I have a few guesses.”
I tuck my knees under my chin. “And they are?”
His face tilts up from whatever he’s writing, offering me a half-hearted smile. “Would it make you feel better or worse if we went into this? Because honestly, I’m ready to forget what happened and just bask in the fact that you’re okay.”
I have no clue if I’ll feel better or worse, but he gives me the begging puppy face, taking his glasses off and batting his eyes as he pouts.
“Can you even see me?” I laugh.
“Of course I can see you.” He squints. “But when did you start growing fuzz?”
I stick my leg out and kick his rolly chair. He has to grip the edge of his desk to keep from flying across the floor. When he stabilizes himself, he slides his glasses back on.
“There is one thing I think we should talk about.”
“Okay…” One thing? There are a million things.
“Sydney.”
My heart seriously stops beating. “Yeah…”
He grabs his pen and goes at the clicker like it will erase everything that’s bugging him with every click. “I-I don’t think I can… Not after what she did to you. I can’t be around her anymore. Before, when she just hurt me, I could handle it. I could try to get back to the way things were. But now… shit. She’s a different person. I can’t believe she’d even think to… Yeah, so I know she’s your best friend, and I don’t want to make you choose between the two of us, but I can’t—”
“Adam,” I say, stopping him. Does he really think after last night I’d ever choose her over him? “You’re right. She is a different person. And I want to forgive her. I want to forget it and go on like nothing happened, but you know what? I can’t. At least not right now.”
He sighs, tossing his pen across the desktop. “You have no idea how relieved that makes me.”
“Relieved?”
His fingers twitch, and I’m betting he wishes he hadn’t tossed that pen. “You deserve a better friend than that.”
I lean across the space between the bed and the chair to poke his shoulder. “Like you?” I smile.
He laughs and rolls his eyes, then pokes me back. “And Levi.”
A really girly and blissed out sigh leaks from my mouth, and I fall back into his plaid sheets, holding my drink up so I don’t spill. “Isn’t he wonderful?”
Adam groans. “Please no. No ‘he’s hot’ talk. I don’t want to look at the guy like that.”
“But he is wonderful. I mean, that’s why you called him, right? And why you let him stay with me.”
“‘Wonderful’ isn’t the adjective I’d use, but yeah. I knew those guys would listen to him, an
d plus, well, you like him and stuff, so he can’t be that bad.”
He’s not bad at all. He’s near perfect, and he likes me too! But… but… ugh. I don’t understand why he’d say he likes me then tack on that stupid word. My brow furrows, and I shoot upright, pointing right at Adam. He jumps back like I static shocked him.
“You’re a guy.”
“Yes…” He snorts.
“Maybe you can help me with something.”
“If you’re about to ask me to talk to Levi about you, forget it.”
I shake my head, but can’t help the laugh that barrels from my lips just thinking about how that conversation would go. “I need help deciphering the male psyche.”
“That’s probably going to be as effective as me asking you about female mood swings.” He scoots his chair closer to the bed and rests his wrists on the edge. “But I’m willing to give whatever insight I can.”
My cheeks pump up with air as I search my head for that exact moment when Levi said he liked me. How his eyes looked, his cheeks, where his hands were and the small space between our mouths, but it’s coming back fuzzy. I really thought his body language was the same as mine in that moment.
“So, when a guy says he likes a girl, but he won’t kiss her, what does that mean?”
“He’s got a girlfriend,” Adam shoots out like he’s in a lightning round of a game show. My heart plops out my bellybutton.
“Really?”
“That would be my first guess.” He stops, studying my face which I know is reflecting that little girl who dropped her ice cream once on the sidewalk in front of my house. “But… if you’re talking about Levi, I know he doesn’t have a girlfriend.”
“You know? Like for sure, for sure?” Because now that I think about it, he could. I mean, he’s a senior. He could be dating someone at the movie theater, or someone older or not in our school. Maybe that’s why he likes to go to work so much. And maybe that’s why he wanted to be friends, not more than friends. “Ugh!” I throw my hand over my face. “He’s totally got a girlfriend.”