by Cassie Mae
I’m so late.
My hair has been tossed up in a really ugly ponytail—didn’t even brush it. I’m grinding on Trident as fast as I can before Mr. Randall makes me spit it out in first period. Adam’s usually by the vending machines before school, but he’s so not there, and I need my backpack.
This is what happens when you talk to your boyfriend—eep!—till way late and forget to set your alarm.
I speed-walk through the hallways, looking for someone with reddish hair and a book in front of his face. But the one minute bell has already chimed so there aren’t too many people around. Maybe I can poke my head in Adam’s class. Crap, what’s his homeroom again?
Damn it! I want my phone!
“Livingston!”
Thank the stars Adam has my back… and my backpack. He jogs around the corner, gasping for air as he hands out my bag. “Where were you?” he pants.
“Me? Where were you? I went to the vending machines.”
“I was there till the bell rang.”
I wave my hand at him, because this conversation is pointless, and we’re both going to be late for first period. “I’ll catch you later. Thank you!” Without thinking, I hug him, knocking his glasses askew and feeling his short breaths on my shoulder. I pull back just as a powdered donut smashes against my cheek. I whip around, wiping the skin I’m sure is now covered in white powder.
I don’t even know the girl. She’s laughing with a few of her friends when she says, “Sometimes edibles make things kinkier. Thought I’d help you out with your problem. Don’t crash into a tree this time when he wants to get to second base.”
Adam’s fists clench, and he shakes his head, a fuming breath coming from his nostrils. I’m still trying to wipe my cheek off when he says, “What the hell is your problem?” He picks up the donut that plopped to the floor and stomps to the girl. She doesn’t look intimidated, but her eyes are a little wide with surprise. “You want me to shove this in your face? Smash it in your hair? Then tell you that you look edible? Seriously, what the hell?”
I think Adam has lost his mind. First beating Kevin up and now talking like this to a girl. No way would he have done this a month ago.
But whoever this girl is, she just laughs in his face. “Damn, keep talking dirty to me. I like it, even if it’s not going to go anywhere.”
He doesn’t respond. And instead of going to class, he heads straight to the parking lot. I stand in the middle of the hall, jumping when the final bell rings.
One of the girls tosses another donut at me. It hits my right boob and topples to the floor. I stand stone still. I’m sort of used to it, I guess. But if a friendly and completely platonic hug gets me donuts in the face, what would kissing Levi do?
I blink, noticing the unshed tears but not letting them loose. My feet unglue, and I follow Adam out to his Geo. Screw first period. It’s not like I have that damn packet filled out anyway.
I’m so focused on wiping my boob off, I don’t notice Adam’s not alone by his car until I’m already halfway across the parking lot. He’s with… Brea?
Ducking behind a black Suburban, I peek out to see what’s going on.
She’s holding a manila folder. She flips her long blond braid over her shoulder and hands it to him. He gives her a smile, says something, and she nods. It all seems pretty innocent, but Brea keeps twitching, cracking her knuckles and running her nails over the back of her hand. Is she nervous around Adam? I blink a few times to make sure I’m seeing it right.
“Hey.”
I stand up so fast, I smash my head on the side mirror, making the alarm go off. Levi pulls me through parked cars, crouching so no one sees us, or at least I think no one sees us. Not that anyone besides Adam and Brea are out here. I’m rubbing my head still when he stops us by a green Ford Escort and pulls me into a squat next to him.
“Hey,” he tries again, smiling.
“Hey.”
“Were you eavesdropping?” He winks, and I know what that one means. I shove his shoulder and plant my butt on the ground.
“What were you doing?”
“Brea texted me. Said she had your packet and she wanted to bring it to you. I figured a tardy was worth the assignment, so I went back to get it from her. She insisted on coming with.” He settles in next to me, grabbing my hand. My powdered cheek and boob and my bashed in head don’t even really matter anymore with his fingers in mine. But for some reason, I quickly check to see if there’s any flying food in the vicinity.
Levi nods in the direction of Adam’s car. “I didn’t know they knew each other.”
I shake my head. “They don’t, really. He gave her a ride somewhere yesterday.”
“Reeeeally.” Levi stretches his neck, searching for Adam and Brea, I’m guessing. “Huh.”
I smile. “What?”
“Nothing.” He relaxes, strengthening his grip on my hand. “I just haven’t seen my sister smile in a while, and she was last night.”
I nudge his shoulder, party poppers going off in my tummy. “You think maybe…?”
“I’m not going there.” He laughs and brings a hand to rest on my cheek. He wipes the rest of the powder off while my eyes do a quick scan of the area again before I let him lean in and kiss me. “What happened here?” he asks between more kisses. I’m going crazy weird because I’m on party heaven with the kisses, but I’m paranoid more food will come flying from somewhere, and Levi will have to deal with my lovely fans. I wonder if he even knows exactly how bad it is. I’m kind of embarrassed to even bring it up.
But conversations filled with kisses? I really like that. I’m all torn up inside!
“Donut accident.” It’s all I say, then we’re back to kissing.
“Hmm…” His lips leave mine and he pecks my cheekbone. “You need more donut accidents. It looks cute on you.”
I want to smile at that, but I can’t. Not after what that girl said about it making me edible. I know Levi’s completely unaware of it, but I turn from his lips, trying to slide from him without it looking like I’m pulling away—which is exactly what I’m doing.
“You okay?”
My cheeks fill before I can stop them, and when I realize they’re about to pop, I blow out the air and attempt a smile. “Yup. I think I need to get that packet though and get to class.”
His eyes study mine, but he nods. “Right.” He stands, offering his hand out and helping me up. “Packet. Class. Then I’ll see you again in Debate.” He claps his hands together. “Break!”
I laugh at just how adorable that was, and I let him hug and kiss me again.
Better let him get it out now so he doesn’t do it in front of donut girl and posse.
***
Levi tries to hold my hand in Debate, and I pretend my nails need a good trimming with my teeth. He goes to hug me in the cafeteria, and I suddenly have to tie my shoe… that has no laces. His lips inch toward mine in the very full parking lot, and I fake hiccup all the way home on the back of his moped.
I let him kiss me goodbye when it’s just the two of us though, but it’s not as long as the ones last night. Or as passionate.
He asks if I’m still coming to the game and because I feel super stupid about being such a dunce today, I give him an enthusiastic, “Yes!” Then bolt inside and go through every piece of extra fabric I own to make the perfect “Band geek girlfriend” outfit. I know Levi will probably like me in anything, but he seems to appreciate my creative side. So I end up tossing on his hoodie and match it up with red leggings that I stitched tiny piccolos across the ankles and thighs, then slide on my cutoffs.
Zoe drops me off on her way to work, and I don’t even attempt the acoustic paradise section, but dive straight under the bleachers instead. I’ll meet up with Levi after. Play off the whole, “You didn’t see me? I heard everything. It was awesome,” when he asks where I was sitting.
It’s so gross under here. No one even comes here to make out or smoke because it’s that bad. I kick an empty AMP can
, staring at my Sketchers, grateful I went with closed toe shoes. Seems fitting that I even have my Friday nights below everyone else. Just like where I sit at school.
I remember telling Zoe all of this two years ago after I’d wrecked her car. How I didn’t want to be called a tease or a prude. How ready I was to just give it up to anyone, like Sydney wants to I guess. Zoe told me I wouldn’t have to go through it alone, and I haven’t. Our relationship has been tight. And I found friends—or one that stuck with me. I even have a boyfriend now. My dream dude. But I never considered how going through it alone might be better. I wouldn’t have to worry about my friends, family, or boyfriend getting the backlash of what’s meant to be for me.
People suck. And they suction on to me, because I’m an easy target. I can’t let them do that to Levi.
I kick another can and watch it roll, roll, roll, until it hits a white and red shoe. My eyes travel up red slacks, a white marching band shirt with a red sash that says ORCHARD HIGH, and finally reach the top of Levi’s head fashioning a red and white hat that straps under his chin. He gives me a half smile, and taps his leg with his piccolo, shuffling his feet and kicking that can to the side.
He is without a doubt, the sexiest human being alive.
His smile sort of fades as he scratches his nose, then he starts tapping that piccolo against his leg again. I want to run up and kiss him till there’s no breath in either of us, but the way he’s looking at me makes me think he doesn’t want me to. And after all the dodging I did, I don’t blame him.
“Uh…” he mumbles, but he keeps his eyes on mine. Always right on mine. “Can I ask you something?”
I nod, smiling so he knows I’m still super crazy about him, and he doesn’t have to get all nervous.
He slips his piccolo in his pocket and takes one step forward. My heart gets kind of heavy when I see sadness in his eyes like last night. Did I ruin things already?
“Why…why are you avoiding me?”
His shaky voice makes me close the distance ASAP. “I’m sorry. Really, I’m not trying to push you away or anything.”
He undoes the strap on his hat and hooks it into his belt loop. His hair is matted with sweat, but it still looks way cute. “I know I already asked, but it worries me, and I can’t help but think…” He stops, dropping his head. “Is it Adam?”
“No!” I shout and it echoes around us. I’m glad the noise from the game is loud enough to cover that. “No,” I say again, lowering my voice. “Adam is my friend, and I swear that’s it. I’ve never thought about him the way I’ve thought about you.”
The tension somewhat releases from his forehead when he brings his eyes level to mine again. “Then what is it? What did I do? Am I going too fast? Or are you mad at me? Because I can’t figure it out. You have me stumped.” He chuckles that off, and it makes me smile.
After a deep breath, I look up to the crowd. The laughter, the jokes, the cheers… knowing if I poke my head out even just barely that laughter will turn ugly and the jokes mean.
“I feel like maybe there should’ve been a disclaimer on me.”
I bring my gaze back to him, and he’s got an eyebrow up in the cutest “huh?” way.
I laugh and point to my chest as if the words I’m about to say are actually painted there. “Date this, prepare to be bullied.”
My laughter dies, and I swing my hand down to my side. “I don’t want you to hear what they say.”
“They?”
I look up again to the hundreds of people at our school. “Everyone.” I close my eyes and force myself to keep my tears back. “A girl threw a donut at me because I hugged Adam in the hall. I was tripped because I ran a car into a tree to avoid having sex. I was a challenge at that party because I’m not willing to let myself go. I was locked into a janitor closet, I get called prude, virgin, cock-tease. If you kiss me, hold my hand, hug me, you’ll hear it all too. I don’t want you to hear it. It’s embarrassing, but also… Levi, you’re too important to me, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
His arms swallow me, and I feel the tears start to sneak down my cheeks and onto his perfectly pressed band uniform. “They say those things because they don’t know you. Because they don’t know themselves.”
“But they do know me. I am a prude, a virgin… a tease I guess. Or I was. I dunno.”
He pulls back, holding onto my shoulders and never dropping his gaze. “Do not let them define you. You are so much more than those things. And I find those qualities good. I wouldn’t call you a prude. I’d call you innocent. I’d call you a flirt and cute as hell. The thing is, you don’t even realize what you’re doing to me. How you make me feel.” He stands up straighter, but his gaze never leaves my face. “You know who you are, so don’t let them make you believe you’re someone you’re not.”
I shake my head. “I have no clue who I am.”
“Yes, you do,” he shoots back with a smile. “It’s why I love you. Because you know who you are more than anyone I’ve ever met.”
Back. It. Up. What did he just say?
He must realize he dropped the “L” word too because he sucks in a breath, scratches his nose, and stands there for I swear a century and a half.
But he doesn’t take it back.
His words come out with a whoosh of air. “I fell in love with how you dance when you’re excited about something. I love how you freeze up talking in Debate, but ramble on and on when you get nervous. I love the way you play video games. I fell in love with your snort, your glasses, your scent. Damn, I love your apple scent.”
I laugh, or pig snort because that is my laugh, and he shakes his head, smiling as he tugs on the hem of my cutoffs. “And this,” he says, eyes running over my leggings, “is damn cute. You’re creative, funny, and talented. The day you screamed at me from your window, then came to school in that shirt, man, I think I was a goner from then on.”
“My style is not nearly as sexy as yours,” I say, pinching the sash across his chest. I’m dead serious, but he laughs like I’m joking.
His thumb strokes my cheek, and his face gets serious again. “I fell in love with how you treat your friends. Even when you were drugged, I found you pushing people off Sydney so they wouldn’t touch her. Your hackles rise when someone says some shit about Adam. I fell in love with that loyalty.”
He’s closer now, and I’m thinking he’s going to kiss me, but he doesn’t.
“You never drop your gaze when I look at you. You told me no when I asked to kiss you. You wouldn’t let me do that unless it meant something. And I fell in love with you for it.”
He pulls out his piccolo from his pocket, running his finger over the keys. “You hear what is supposed to be heard when I play this. And not the actual crappiness that’s coming out of it.”
“It’s not crappy. It’s beautiful, and you know it.”
He laughs, grabbing my waist, the piccolo resting against the small of my back. “You aren’t afraid to show me who you are. Don’t be afraid to let other people see it too.”
“But you’ve never had to deal with this. They’ll hate me no matter what.”
“You don’t think I get razzed? Look at me, Sierra. I’m in the marching band. I play a piccolo. I work at a movie theater, and I drive a baby blue moped. And I’m a virgin too, you know.”
“But…you’re like, friends with everybody.” I can’t even picture someone saying something awful to Levi, even though he just listed about a thousand things that people would make fun of.
“Because not everyone is a bully, Sierra. If you take the time to look, you’ll find good people everywhere.” He takes a breath, and a whistle blows in the distance. “I know it’s hard. And sometimes it feels easier to hide. But I don’t want you to let them control what you do and how you do it. Be above all of that. Be you.”
I want that. So badly do I want that. But it scares the crap out of me.
“It may take me some time…”
“I know.” Another w
histle sounds, and a magnified voice announces the end of second quarter. Levi smirks. “That’s my cue.”
I nod, and he drops his hold on my waist, my back suddenly feeling very empty without the piccolo there. He starts walking away, stepping over all the gross crap.
“Good luck. Have fun out there.” I swing my arm in a Popeye motion, and he laughs, turns around and bolts back to where I’m standing.
He grabs the back of my neck and slams my lips to his. My eyes are stuck in the open position, because holy crap, what just happened? It's not like I was doing anything particularly irresistible. Then his grip tightens in my hair, and my eyes fall closed, and my knees feel like they'll give out. His strong hands keep me standing, but his hot breath mingling with mine makes me wish we were horizontal so I could put all my focus on that and not on falling flat on my face to the ground.
“Just to tide me over,” he says when he pulls back. Then he runs out, fumbling with his hat and leaving me complete melted goo along with the other sticky stuff under the bleachers.
Chapter 24
PDA, here I come.
Something wet plops on my forehead, and I shriek, thinking someone just spit on me or something. Then another hits my arm. Then my nose when I look up through the holes in the bleachers to the blackened sky. Thunder rumbles, shaking the metal bars next to me. I pull up Levi’s hood, loving that even though I’ve had it for weeks, it still smells like him.
A drum starts, and the thunder plays along with the drummer. My heart gets a little sad for Levi. I wonder how hard it is for him to play something else, even though he says he does it because he’s so in love with music.
In love with music. In love with me.
I’m still reeling from that. And like a huge dork, I didn’t say it back. But I could’ve said it right then and meant it.
And because I love him, I’m going to do something I normally run away from. I’m going to face all of it, everything and everyone. I just have to pluck my feet from the ground and do it.