Next in Line for Love

by Harper Bliss

  I know Ali’s hurting and that she might be lashing out at the nearest person she can find, but she’s also completely out of order. “My life choices are not something I need to defend, least of all to you.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you.” She holds up her hand.

  “Then don’t. Just stop it.”

  “Stop what? Stop talking? Or just stop… being with you?”

  In her eyes, I see her scream for help. She came here because she’s had an emotionally exhausting day, because she doesn’t want to be alone tonight. She came to sleep in my arms, and I would have let her, I would have pulled her into a warm hug and told her everything would be okay, if only she’d just let me be me.

  “Clearly, I’m not the person you want me to be—the person you want for you,” I say.

  “Hell no, Jill. Don’t put this on me now. I want to be with you. You’re the one blocking this. You’re the one standing in your own fucking way.”

  “This isn’t a conversation we should be having right now, Ali. You’re tired. We’re both emotional. Let’s get some sleep.”

  “I really don’t think so.” She moves away from me again. “I’m not staying where I’m not wanted.”

  “Ali, you’re upset.” I grab her arm. “Let’s calm down. Let’s just have a drink and sit with each other a bit. No bold declarations and no visions of the future.”

  She shakes off my hand. “Just be in the present.” She scoffs. “You know what, Jill? You’re a coward. And I prefer not to hang out with cowards. Life’s too short for that, too.” The pain in her glance has been replaced with disappointment. It hits me like a slap in the face. But it’s too late to snap out of anything now. Ali has grabbed her bag and she’s by the door. And what would I say? Because she’s right. I am a coward. For that reason, I have no choice but to let her go.

  35

  Ali

  My first thought, when I get into my car, is to drive to Madison’s, but she’s on a location shoot in Canada. Then, strangely, my second thought is to go see my brother. Because he’s family and we had a bit of a bonding moment earlier. But God knows what state he’s in after today. I run through the list of people I could call, but most of them, I’m sure, will be at some party or another. It’s Friday night in L.A. and I don’t feel like partying at all. I would have if the only thing going on had been Jill and me breaking up before it has properly started. I’d go out and have a few and forget about her—because that’s what I will have to do in the end. But I can’t do that with my father in the hospital. It doesn’t feel right. That’s why I drove to Jill’s in the first place. That felt like the right place for me tonight. By her side, her arms around me, her kind gaze on me. Turns out that was the wrong decision as well.

  So I just drive back to where I came from. Official visiting hours are long over, but that’s one of the perks of being a Lennox. We don’t have to stick to the rules if we don’t want to. The private hospital is used to people like us. So I walk in without being challenged.

  I gently knock on my father’s door.

  “Yes,” he says, his voice much more vigorous than earlier. It’s not the voice of someone just woken from sleep. “It’s not like I can stop you from coming in,” he mumbles.

  I push the door open and enter.

  “Ali?” His eyes grow wide. “What are you doing here? What time is it?”

  “It’s late, but I wanted to see you.” I wonder if he remembers anything at all from our earlier conversation.

  “Everything all right?”

  “Yeah,” I lie. “How are you feeling?”

  “I feel surprisingly good, actually. Except I’m not allowed to get out of this bed.”

  “It’s for your own good.”

  “I’m awake,” he says. “And alive. So I really can’t complain.”

  “I guess not.” I give him a smile, but it’s forced, and it probably shows. “Can I get you anything? Some more water?”

  “You know they have nurses here who take care of me.” Something bordering on a grin appears on his face. “What’s up, kiddo?”

  Kiddo? I can’t remember him ever calling me that.

  “My dad’s just had heart surgery.”

  “Tell him about it.” Maybe this is what he’s like when he’s mellow. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him like this before. “It’s Friday night and you’re here with me. Call me crazy, or maybe the anesthetic hasn’t worn off yet, but something about that isn’t right. Is your brother coming as well? Is this some sort of post-heart surgery intervention?”

  “No, Daddy. Don’t be silly.”

  “Hm. It would be nice, I guess. The three of us in this hospital room, drinking tepid water, because that’s all I’m allowed to have. I haven’t had a bite to eat since last night.”

  I sit in the chair where I spent most of the day.

  He tries to push himself up, but he doesn’t have the strength yet.

  “Do you… remember any of the things you said earlier today?”

  He arches up his eyebrows. “Wasn’t I asleep most of the day?”

  “In and out.” I watch him as he shifts in the bed and I can’t help but wonder, just for a split second, what it would be like to have Jill here with me. I can’t really picture it. Her connection to my father stands in the way of everything. So, in the end, maybe she was right to reject me—to reject us.

  “What did I say?” Dad asks when he seems to have found a comfortable position.

  “You’d had a dream in which I told you I didn’t want to be CEO.”

  “Huh,” is all he says.

  “And then you asked me to really think about what I wanted. If I really wanted to be CEO and make the sacrifices it entails. Because of the…” I suddenly feel self-conscious repeating his words to him—words he spoke when he wasn’t fully aware of what he was saying. “The sacrifices you made.”

  “They weren’t sacrifices,” he says. “They were choices, Ali. I don’t remember saying any of that, but I have been thinking about these things a lot lately. What with being faced with my mortality and not being in good enough shape to be in charge at LB. That’s probably why I said them while I was still half under.” He exhales deeply. “Turns out, I don’t stand by all the choices I’ve made.” He closes his eyes for an instant. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, as his eyes flutter back open.

  I can hardly believe it. I know that if I tell Sebastian about this, he won’t believe me—I wouldn’t if it was the other way around. Our father is not a man who apologizes. Because this is so unexpected, I don’t know what to reply. Is this even an apology I can accept? It’s a bit vague—what exactly is he apologizing for? And with the raw emotional state I’m in, I could actually do with a little more.

  “You did what you—” I start to say.

  “I mean it, Ali.”

  I scan his face, looking for signs that they replaced the man hiding behind it during the surgery.

  “I’m sorry too, for going away,” I say.

  “You never have to say sorry for that. Not to me.” He scoffs. “I taught you to run away. That’s how I see it. And I should have known better. I should have been there for you and Sebastian… and Leah, after your mother died. I’m the father. I know I was a shitty one. I know I’m indirectly responsible for Sebastian’s drug habit. But you… Look at you. You’re perfect, Ali. My perfect girl. How did you turn out like that? I know that I had next to nothing to do with that.”

  “Dad, I’m… far from perfect.”

  “You even came home when I asked you to.” Something glistens in his eye. Is that a tear? If he starts crying, I’ll have to leave the room. I won’t be able to deal with that display of emotion. “I don’t want the business to screw up the life you have planned for yourself, kiddo. Fuck the board and fuck the shareholders. Really. Do what you want.” With a surprisingly swift wave of his hand, he wipes away the tear that threatens to roll down his cheek. “What do you want? Do you know? In general, I mean. Before I asked you t
o come back. What was your plan?”

  “I had no plan, Dad. I was glad when you called. I was ready for a new challenge.”

  “What about your personal life? Don’t make the same mistakes I made, Ali. If you’re going to run LB, don’t have kids. If you want kids, don’t run LB.”

  “That’s a bit dramatic.” I need to lighten the mood.

  “I know you kids think you can have it all these days, but I’m telling you, and I know this from decades of experience, you can’t. You have to choose.”

  “I’m thirty-five, Dad. I’m single, and a lesbian. I won’t be getting pregnant any time soon.”

  “Why are you single? A girl like you. Why aren’t there women lining up in my hallway, asking for your hand? I know how Sebastian treats his women—another something to take responsibility for. The way I treated some of the women I met after your mother died…” He pauses. I’m beginning to think I should have recorded this for posterity—if there ever is any. Or just for myself. And for Sebastian. And for Dad. But he seems lucid. “You’re young. You should be falling in love. You should be enjoying life.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “I know I sound like a sentimental old fool, but…” he shakes his head once. “I’m glad you’re here, Ali. Not just in L.A., but here, with me, tonight.” He exhales deeply. “Will you do your old man a favor?”

  “Sure.”

  “Tell me about your life. You’re my daughter and I hardly know anything about you. I can always read about what Sebastian’s been up to in the tabloids, but you…” He holds out his hand. I can only stare at it in disbelief. “I know so little of your life. And that’s my fault. I want to know everything about you before I die.”

  “Jesus, Dad. You’re not going to die any time soon.” His hand hangs limply between us. Does he really want me to take it in mine?

  “I might have, if you hadn’t talked some sense into me.” He shakes his head more forcefully this time. “It really made me see what kind of a stubborn old fool I can be.” He wiggles his fingers about. “Come here. You don’t have to tell me your entire life story at once. Just tell me one thing. Tell me about the last woman you fell in love with.”

  I scoff and shake my head. “Trust me, you don’t want to know about that.”

  He grins at me. “I do. I very, very much do. Please, Ali, tell me.”

  Because he looks so pale and just out of surgery and is lying in a hospital bed, I at least take his hand. I let him wrap his fingers around mine, the way he did in his sleep this afternoon.

  “There’s someone,” I say. “Someone I really, really like, but…”

  “But what?” He squeezes my hand. “Give me one good reason why you can’t be with this woman you really, really like?”

  “Dad.” I chuckle. “You really don’t want to know.”

  “Come on. Indulge me. Just for five minutes, let me be the kind of father you confide in. The father I never knew how to be.”

  “It’s you,” I blurt out. “The reason is you.”

  “Me? This sick old man in a hospital bed? How do you figure that?” He smiles the kind of smile I’ve never seen on him before.

  “I’m in love with Jill.” I look away. Tears prick behind my eyes.

  “My Jill? Jill Gold?” A silence falls. “Ali, look at me.”

  “No.” I drop his hand and stand up. “This is ridiculous.”

  “Ali. Please.”

  I tower over his bed. I don’t know why I told him. Maybe because, for half a minute, I wanted to have a parent I could tell things. Or maybe just to get a rise out of him. To punish him for what he’s trying to do tonight—make up for a lifetime in five minutes.

  “Does she feel the same way about you?” he asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  “I bet she does.” He nods at the chair. “Will you sit back down?”

  I glance at the chair as though it has become my biggest enemy.

  “Or stand. It doesn’t matter. But listen to me, please. Take it from a man who has squandered all the love he ever had at his disposal. I will not stand in your way. If you’re in love with Jill, then be with her. Because you know what? Nothing else matters. It really fucking doesn’t, Ali. And if you’re afraid to be with her for some reason, then find a way to be unafraid, but don’t use me as an excuse, because I refuse to be your excuse.”

  “It’s not me who’s afraid. It’s her.”

  “Okay. Well. We’ll see about that.” He glances around. “Where’s my phone?”

  “Why do you need your phone?” His phone is hidden in a locker he doesn’t have the code to yet.

  “To text Jill to come and see me first thing in the morning.”

  “To tell her what?”

  “To tell her that she has my blessing, damn it. You both do.”

  “Dad, seriously, what do they have you on? Is there morphine in that IV drip?”

  “If you won’t give me my phone, then give me yours.” He ignores my question.

  “I can text Jill myself, thank you very much.”

  “Do it now. I need to see you do it.”

  “Dad, you need to calm down. You’re not supposed to be this agitated.”

  “I’m not agitated.” He doesn’t look particularly agitated. “All I want for you and Sebastian is to be happy. Despite having me as a lousy father. Despite losing your mother and your sister. It’s all I want. I’d sell the brewery tomorrow if it meant securing your happiness. You probably don’t believe me, but it’s true.”

  “Why don’t we see how you feel about that tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow doesn’t matter, Ali. Every time I go to sleep now, I’m aware I might not wake up again. Which is why I’m telling you now. Be happy. Do what gives you joy. Be with Jill fucking Gold.” He shakes his head. “Jill Gold,” he repeats. “It is a surprise, though. I’m not sure I should be subjected to surprising announcements like that.”

  “You asked for it.”

  “I know. I know I did, Ali. I thought that perhaps you’d fallen for some D-list actress.” He sniggers. “Not the woman who’s been my second in command for years.” He sighs. “I’d like to say I know her well. And you do get to know a person when you work closely with them day in and day out but, to tell you the truth, I don’t know much about her personal life. I do know that she’s whip smart, highly reliable, and one of the most loyal employees I’ve ever had.”

  “Are you really saying that you wouldn’t mind if Jill and me… got involved?”

  “Sounds to me like you’re involved already.” He holds out his hand again. “Phone.”

  “No.”

  “How else will you know if I’ll still stand by this in the morning? I need to speak to her, anyway.”

  “I’ll text her myself.” Hands trembling, I dig my phone out of my bag.

  36

  Jill

  When Ali texted me, at first, my heart lit up like the screen of my phone. But it was just a brief message to say that Jeffrey wanted to see me. In a way, I was glad it was just that. It’s time to end this once and for all. It’s time to face Jeffrey, to look him in the eye, and know, in my bones, that his daughter will mean less and less to me as time passes, as life goes on. When I look at him, I will be reminded to keep my work life and private life totally separate. And, this time, I will truly move on.

  Now that I’m about to knock on his hospital room door, my palms are clammy, however. It’s fucking with my head that I slept with his daughter—twice. But I’m about to see him in his pajamas a day after he had heart surgery.

  “Jill.” He’s sitting up and looks quite chipper. “Thanks for coming.”

  “Of course.” I put the fruit basket I brought for him on the windowsill. “How are you?”

  “Something has come to my attention,” he says, his voice still light and upbeat.

  “I really don’t think you should concern yourself with work right now. Your only focus should be getting better.” I know I’m saying it in vain. Telling Je
ffrey not to think about work is like telling a toddler they can’t go out and play. They’ll just want to do it more.

  “It’s not about work, Jill.” He fixes his gaze on me. It’s the first time I notice that Ali has his eyes. “It’s about my daughter.”

  Instantly, heat rushes to my cheeks. What about Ali?

  “We had a frank chat last night. Extremely frank, in fact.” Is that the beginning of a smile on his face? In that case, Ali must have assured him she’ll want to follow in his footsteps at LB.

  “Good.” Or maybe he wants to end my very short reign as interim CEO already.

  “I was prying into her personal life. Really prying, like an old aunt would do.”

  I swallow hard, but try to keep my face neutral. Surely, Ali didn’t tell him about us.

  “But I just wanted to know something about her. I know that she’s an amazing woman and that I’m not the reason why she has become so remarkable. She’s less self-destructive than Sebastian. And she carries herself so well, you know? When I look at her, I see someone who can really thrive. I can’t help but feel a little bit of pride, even though I was never there. I didn’t nurture any of the attributes that made her into who she is today. But she’s so strong. So resilient. When she came to see me, out of the blue, last night, I couldn’t believe my luck.”

  I’m hanging on every word Jeffrey’s saying, even though I have no clue where he’s going with this. I’m also not the best person to sing Ali’s praises to today, but I can hardly stop him. And I agree with everything he says.

  “Then, she told me that she met someone she really likes.”

  My heart leaps into my throat. Did Ali tell Jeffrey? What kind of conversation did they have last night? I can’t picture it. Then again, there are many things about this family that I can’t picture.