by Janice Lynn
“Dinner would be lovely.” His mother took him by the elbow, gave him a look meant to put him in his place. “Everything smells wonderful. Right, son?”
Dirk gritted his teeth, seeing right through his mother’s ploy. She wanted to pretend everything was okay for Abby’s sake. If they’d cared about him, or Abby, they’d have stayed in Oak Park, wouldn’t have come to stir up the past.
“Right,” he finally agreed, knowing this was going to be a long, long night.
Abby’s face hurt from keeping her fake smile in place, just as she’d kept her smile in place all evening.
“It was so lovely to meet you, dear.” Dirk’s mother leaned forward, engulfing Abby in a giant bear hug. One so real and heartfelt Abby wanted to cry. “At least we know Dirk has someone to look out for him here in Philly.”
Right. But during the terse evening Abby had realized she didn’t want to look out for Dirk. Not under the current circumstances.
Having watched him with his family had only made obvious what she’d admitted to herself weeks ago but had shoved aside, hoping that Dirk could love her. He couldn’t. He had closed off his heart to the world.
If he wasn’t willing to let his own mother in, how was Abby supposed to believe he’d ever let her?
Which was the crux of the matter. After tonight, she didn’t believe.
Dirk had stolen her belief in happily-ever-after, her belief in Christmas miracles. Her belief, period.
In place of the hope-filled woman she’d once been was a disillusioned woman but one determined to be strong woman who’d do what was best for her child.
“Dinner was lovely,” said the next woman in line to head out the front door. A tall, dark-haired woman with eyes identical to Dirk’s. His sister, Jolene. She held a well-bundled toddler in her arms. A toddler who shared the Kelley eyes. Would Abby’s own baby have a similar blue gaze? Would she forever be haunted by the man she’d loved but who hadn’t been able to love her in return?
“Thanks so much for inviting us.” The woman leaned over and kissed Abby’s cheek. “I hope to see you again soon. Maybe Dirk will bring you to Oak Park.”
Abby felt tears pop into her eyes. What kind of man could have a family like this and shut them out?
Oh, he’d lightened up a bit as the evening had progressed, but he’d been out-and-out rude when he’d first arrived. So much so that Abby had planted the fake smile on her face and tried to make his family feel welcome despite his cold regard. Even now, as his mother pulled him into her arms, he wore a slight grimace, stood stiffly rather than embracing her in return.
Abby wanted to hit him. He had this beautiful family, her baby’s family, and he ignored them, held them at arm’s length.
No doubt after his wife and daughter’s deaths things had been rough, but shouldn’t he have leaned on his family, not shut them out?
His brother shook his hand, pulled him into a half-embrace. “Good to see you, man. If you can swing it, we’d love to have you at Christmas.”
Dirk didn’t comment. By his brother’s sigh, Abby figured John knew Dirk had no intention of showing up in Oak Park on Christmas Day.
“He’ll probably sleep most of the day. After all, he’ll have just pulled twenty-four hours in the emergency room.” Why was she defending him? This was his family. Not hers. She shouldn’t be the one working so hard to make things go smoothly. “Driving long distances after working such a long shift really wouldn’t be wise.”
“You’re right, of course.” His mother’s chest rose and fell beneath her heavy coat. “At least he won’t be spending Christmas alone.” She sent Abby a warm smile. “It really was lovely to meet you. Come on, children. Let’s get this show on the road so Abby can prop her feet up. She looks tired.”
Something in the way Dirk’s mother said the words made Abby meet the woman’s gaze, made her look away because she was sure the woman could see into her soul and see all her secrets. Besides, she was tired. After pulling a twelve-hour shift at the hospital, coming home and grabbing only a few hours’ sleep then finishing dinner, she was tuckered out.
It took Dirk’s family another five minutes to completely get out the door, between more goodbyes, hugs, kisses to the cheeks, and kids dashing back in for a cookie for the road.
When the door closed, Abby sagged and didn’t bother to try to hide her fatigue from Dirk. As his family had exited, she’d sensed his mounting tension, had seen the building fire in his eyes, had known they’d argue and was ready to get it over with.
“How could you treat your family that way, Dirk? They love you, drove all that way to spend the evening with you, and you lashed out at them every chance you got.” Her heart had ached for the whole lot of them. Even Dirk. Because in his grief he’d lost much more than his wife and daughter. He’d lost everything that mattered and had no one to blame but himself.
“They had no right to show up here. How could you have invited them without discussing it with me first?”
“This is my house. I can invite whomever I want,” she reminded him, chin lifting a notch. “Besides, your mother wanted to surprise you. I thought you’d be happy to see your family over the holidays.”
“Well, I wasn’t. You want to know why? Because I’m not you. I’m not little Miss Christmas Spirit, spreading good tidings to the whole world. I’m a man who lost his wife and daughter and the world, including his family who should understand, expects him to go on and forget.”
“You weren’t the only one who lost someone they loved when Shelby and Sandra died. Your family loved them, too.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he scoffed.
“Whose fault is that, Dirk? I’m pregnant with your baby and yet you’d never introduced me to your family. Even tonight, you acted as if I was no one special.”
“How did you want me to act? You went behind my back.”
“It was supposed to be a pleasant surprise! Something to give you good memories to replace the ones you refuse to let go of.”
“You’d have me forget my wife and daughter?” His eyes blazed, the veins on his neck bulged, his breath hissed.
Needing to put distance between them, Abby turned away, walked over to her Christmas village table, hoping to find comfort in the heirlooms she loved.
“Answer me.” Dirk followed her, gripped her arm, turned her toward his angry face. “Is that what this was about? Making me forget Sandra and Shelby for your own purposes? Being pregnant doesn’t give you the right to go behind my back, Abby.”
“My only purpose was to give you a special Christmas memory, which you ruined for everyone by closing yourself off to any possibility of having a good time.”
“I have all the special Christmas memories I need.”
“Well, good for you, Dirk,” she bit out, tired, frustrated, hurt, angry at him for his callous attitude. “Maybe you should stop to think about everyone else who might still want new special Christmas memories instead of being such a selfish jerk!”
She jerked back, freeing herself from his grasp and losing her balance. She stumbled, reached out to steady herself. And failed.
CHAPTER TWELVE
IN HORRID slow motion Dirk watched disaster unfold, unable to stop what had been set into play, only able to do damage control by reacting quickly.
Reaching out to keep from falling back, Abby had grabbed hold of the table her village sat on. Only she didn’t catch the table. She caught the steeple of the church and kept going, the church traveling with her, knocking pieces of the village left and right.
“No,” she cried as she kept going back, too off balance to do a thing to stop the pending catastrophe as the table tipped. “My mother’s village!”
But rather than saving her houses, Dirk caught hold of her, righting her while the table and its contents crashed to the floor.
The sound of glass crashing into glass sent her cat tearing from the room with a screech.
“Are you okay?” he asked, visually che
cking her, grateful not to see any blood as she could easily have cut herself on the broken pieces.
“My mother’s village!” She pulled free of him and dropped to her knees, picking up the pieces.
“Those are just things. Are you okay? The baby?”
When he’d watched her falling back, his anger had dissipated into fear. Fear that she might be hurt, that she might lose the baby.
Abby ignored his questions about her well-being and righted the table. She picked up the church first, noted the missing steeple, the chip at the base. She dug her fingernail into the chipped area and took a deep breath, then continued to pick up piece after piece.
Dirk knew that she connected the decorations with her family, with the connection the three of them had once shared.
He bent to help her, picking up the pieces of the train set and placing them back on the righted table, carefully reconnecting the track, the train engine and cars. Two of the houses were intact, so was the schoolhouse. The carousel had a tiny chip at the base. All the other village houses had larger breaks.
Dirk took her hands into his. “Sit down, Abby. This is only upsetting you. I’ll do the rest, save what can be salvaged.”
“No. I think you’ve already done enough, don’t you?” Her chin lifted. Her eyes blazed, blazed so intently that Dirk winced. He’d never seen that anguish, that pain, that accusation in Abby’s eyes before.
“I didn’t do this, Abby.” But he hadn’t been innocent. He’d been so wrapped up in his own emotions over his family’s “surprise” that he hadn’t considered Abby’s emotions, hadn’t acknowledged that she’d been trying to do something good by having his family there. Instead, he’d attacked the moment they’d walked out the door.
“No, I did this,” she admitted, glaring at him. “I ruined my mother’s Christmas village.”
A coldness had crept into Abby’s voice. A coldness he’d never heard from her. A coldness that held finality.
Her fingers clasped tightly the church steeple she held. She looked ready to snap into as many pieces as the village collection had.
She looked like she wanted to snap him into a zillion pieces and toss him out with the trash.
Abby didn’t say anything more. She couldn’t. Her throat had swollen shut with emotion. Her voice gone. Perhaps for ever.
She stared at the church’s steeple in her shaking hands. Her entire insides shook. Her mother’s Christmas village. Broken.
How could she have been so stupid as to fall into the table? How could she have been so stupid as to fall in love with a man who could never love her back?
“Abby?”
She sucked in a breath, knowing she couldn’t just keep sitting here, staring at the shattered remains of the only tangible things she had of happier times, of her childhood.
The damage was done. There was no undoing it. She’d make do with the best she could, to repair the pieces she could repair. Try not to wonder if fate wasn’t trying to tell her something.
That she might dream of the wonderful Christmas village scenario with Dirk, but all she was going to get was shattered dreams, and the sooner she accepted that, the less she’d have her hopes crushed.
“These are just things. You still have your memories of the Christmases with your parents. That’s what’s important.”
Hearing Dirk say that made something snap inside Abby. Something that perhaps had been on edge from the moment she’d found out she was pregnant. From the moment she’d realized she’d never have her happily-ever-after dream. Never have magical Christmases of her own. Never have what her parents had had. Tonight, watching him with his family, had shattered all hope.
“How dare you call my mother’s Christmas village ‘things’?” she accused. “You, the man who could care less about his family.”
“I care about my family.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “You have an odd way of showing it.”
“You don’t understand my relationship with my family.”
“Your family doesn’t understand your relationship with them. Nor do they like it. God, you are so lucky to have a family to love you, but you know what? You don’t deserve them, Dirk.”
His jaw worked as he regarded her. “My relationship with my family is none of your business.”
Unable to sit still another moment, she stood, glared down at him. “You’re right. It’s not. I’m just pregnant with your child. A fact you haven’t bothered to share with your family.”
He stood, did some glaring of his own. “I thought you didn’t want anyone to know.”
“Great excuse, but we’re not talking about anyone. We’re talking about your family. Our baby’s family.” She’d never wanted to shake another human being before, but at that moment she wanted to shake Dirk. To jar some sense into him. “Are you embarrassed by me? Or were you not planning on telling them about me ever?”
Oh, God. Was that what the problem had been tonight? Dirk hadn’t wanted his family to know about her? Hadn’t wanted them to know he’d knocked up some naive nurse who’d fallen in love with him at first sight? Oh, God. She had fallen in love at first sight. Just as her parents had. Only Dirk hadn’t fallen in love with her. He didn’t even want his family to know she existed, had been a jerk because she’d invited them for Christmas dinner.
“It’s not like that.” He looked as if he’d like to wrap his fingers around her and do some shaking of his own.
“They don’t understand how I feel. No one does.”
Which said it all. Said exactly where she fit into the grand scheme of things. She’d given and given to him. Of her time and her heart. And although Dirk had given of his time, had helped her at her volunteer stints, he hadn’t given her of his heart. Not once.
“Maybe it’s because you keep your heart locked up inside and won’t let anyone close, including your family.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Abby just stared at him.
His look of annoyance grew. “You have no idea how much trouble you’ve caused me by inviting them here.”
Trouble as in they’d be asking about her?
“Well, I’m sorry to inconvenience you.”
His jaw clenched, and he exhaled slowly. “Quit misreading everything I say.”
“Or maybe, for the first time, I’m reading everything the right way,” she said, knowing in her heart that it was true. She’d believed in Dirk’s inner goodness. Had even believed that he’d come around regarding Christmas.
She really had been naive.
If not for her pregnancy, Dirk wouldn’t be there. It was only his sense of responsibility that kept him coming round. Which wasn’t nearly enough to base a future on.
Not nearly enough for her heart.
Abby longed to sob at her loss, but she wouldn’t cry in front of him, wouldn’t let him see how much she hurt. Instead, she turned her back toward him and went to the sofa and collapsed onto the plush upholstery.
“Leave, Dirk. I don’t want you here.” She hadn’t known she was going to say the words, but once they left her lips she knew they were right, the only words she could say. Just like the Christmas village, her dreams, any hope of a future between them was shattered.
Silent, he walked over and sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. “You don’t want me to go.”
She gawked at his audacity. “Actually, I do. I saw a side of you tonight I never want to see again. You have no idea how lucky you are to have those people. They love you and want to be a part of your life.”
“They are a part of my life.”
“On the periphery perhaps.”
“I’ve already told you, I talk to them routinely.”
“About what? The weather? Sports? What is it you talk to them about? Because I got the impression they didn’t know quite what to say to you tonight.”
“There were no conversational lulls.”
“No, there weren’t, but no thanks to you.”
“
I warned you that I wasn’t big on company.”
“Family is not the same thing as company. Family is everything.” But not to Dirk. He’d lost the only family that mattered to him, couldn’t see what was within his reach. And Abby had had enough. More than enough. She leapt from her sofa, flung open her front door. “Get out of my house, Dirk.”
“Abby—”
“Leave!” she shouted. “And don’t ever bother me again.”
Without another word, he gave her one last angry look, then left.
Abby started a hep lock while Dirk shined a light into their patient’s eyes.
Since he’d left her house the night before, she’d been fighting melancholy. She’d hoped he’d say he wanted to change, that he wouldn’t leave, that he planned to spend Christmas Day with her. Every day with her for the rest of his life. But she’d known better.
With as much time as they’d spent together over the last week, she’d thought she wouldn’t be alone this Christmas, had believed deep in her heart that she’d spend the day with Dirk. How could she have been so foolish as to get her hopes up? Her hopes had been higher than the North Pole.
What would Dirk do today? Sleep? Flip through television channels? Pretend it was no different from any other day of the year? He wouldn’t be driving to his mother’s for Christmas, wouldn’t be embracing the wonderful family she envied. More the pity for him.
But that wasn’t her problem. Not any more. She’d meant what she’d told him. She didn’t want him in her life. Not when he refused to acknowledge that what they’d shared had been more than friendship. Not when he refused to open his heart to love again. To open his heart to his family.
Which was why she’d ignored his phone calls today. Why she’d ignored his attempts to talk to her tonight. What was left to be said between them?
She loved Christmas.
He hated Christmas.
She loved family.
He’d shut his out.
Could they be any further apart? She didn’t think so.