”It doesn’t matter what I felt,” she responds finally looking up at me. Her eyes are just as confused as my head. Her once smiling face is pale and void of all emotion.
“Why doesn’t it matter, Alice?” I don’t want to twist the moment any further but my gut screamed to ask her why. We were up against something dangerous and since she wasn’t of mind to find out, I needed to do it for her.
“Sex is for men, not women,” she says, her voice robotic and devoid of all feeling. “Women are put on the earth for the pleasure of men and when it’s time, bear them children.”
I’m literally speechless when she finishes. I don’t know what to say and I really need something to say in response. She isn’t looking at me again and quite frankly I’m glad she isn’t. I would hate for her to see the thoughts rolling across my face.
Does she really believe this?
“You’re kidding right?”
She shakes her head. Her fingers start to twitch to the rhythm in her head.
Son of a bitch!
This is him, speaking through her. This is his doing—his conditioning. He fucked with her head and made her believe this. My stomach drops, I can taste the tang of bile as it rises up in my throat.
Enough was enough.
“Alice, look at me,” I command. She does without hesitation. I search her eyes and there are no words for what I see. The woman staring back at me isn’t Alice, at least not the Alice I know. She’s his girl, the one he broke, the one he pieced back together in his image. I lift my hand to her cheek wanting to bring her back. My brain is works overtime trying to figure out what words I need to use to bring my Alice back.
My Alice.
When did that happen?
“Precious, where are you?” I whisper, stroking her cheek with my thumb. She looks at me with absolute trust and it scares me. I can’t help where my mind goes. She looks so young, so innocent. How many had taken advantage of her in this state? How has she survived for so long?
“I’m right here,” she says with a smile, one that makes my stomach turn.
“No, you’re his Alice right now,” I know I sound cold and disgusted, which honestly is how I feel. I don’t try to hide it from her. She flinches as my words hit their target. She leans back and shakes her head. I can see the fog slowly lift from her dazed expression. Her eyes meet mine and I can physically see her transform back into the woman I’ve come to know. I can’t help but admire how quickly she regains composure.
Yes, my Alice is back.
“What did he do to me?” her voice wavers and she stares down at her hands. I reach for them, lacing our fingers together. “He...he broke me, didn’t he?”
“No,” I tell her confidently. “He didn’t break you,” I hold her tightly against me. “Broken means destroyed and you baby, are far from destroyed.”
“How did I let this happen?” She says asks herself.
“You weren’t given a choice.”
She shakes her head in disagreement.
“They tried to warn me but I didn’t listen. I should have listened. I walked away from everyone, for him. I chose him.”
I pull her face to mine, “You didn’t choose to be abuse.”
“I married him,” she stands up and I follow, I need to keep her close to me. “I fucking married him,” self loathing rolls off of her in waves. Her pain hits me deep inside. I want to take this away from her but I don’t know how. How could I? I didn’t even know how to deal with my own shit.
“I knew,” she whispers and the words send chills down my spine. She was on the verge of giving it all to me, I could tell and instead of turning away I reached for her. Pressing her back to my front, I snake an arm around her. “There was a rumor about him, liking things...rough. A close friend of mine had a coworker who’d gone out with him. It wasn’t pretty. Two black eyes, a busted jaw and a few cracked ribs. She didn’t press charges, so I didn’t think it was what they said it was. We were together for almost a year. He never hurt me. He never raised his voice at me, we hardly ever fought. I was a virgin when I met him and he never pressured me for sex. He did everything a decent and good man would do.”
“Monsters hide in plain sight. You never know they’re there until it’s too late,” I tell her but she doesn’t hear me.
“I knew the wedding wasn’t real,” she stiffens against me. I frown, of course she knew, I told her as much. She gazes ahead of her, staring at nothing. It was almost like she was watching the memory play out before her. “He told me one night, during a particularly intense session. I asked him how he could do such cruel things to the woman he supposedly loved, the woman he made his wife. He laughed at me, pressed me into the wall by the throat, cutting off my air. Right before I blacked out, he released me from his hold and I crumbled to the floor gasping for breath. He found my desperation to understand him amusing and so he told me everything. The pleasure he got from telling me was sickening.”
I felt like punching a hole in the wall while picturing his face but I don’t move. Keeping her close, keeping her grounded to me, was for both our benefit. I wanted her to give it all to me. So I pressed her for it.
“When did it start?”
“Physically the night of our honeymoon, he slapped me. I was going to leave but he begged me to stay, promised me the world and I believed him. He hit me again the following evening. His fist closed this time, knocking me out. When I woke up, it was too late. He’d taken my purse, my phone, and my keys. He locked me in our bedroom. There was no way out,” I pressed my lips against her shoulder, breathing her in. She was lost in her words but her body relaxed further into mine with each one spoken. “He came into the room a few hours later. His face was twisted, unrecognizable, monstrous even. I begged him to let me go. He wouldn’t. When he grew tired of my pleading, he looked at me, smiled real big and said ‘Darlin’, you aren’t going anywhere, ever again.’ He crossed the room and stuck me with a needle. The next time I woke I was in strange house, one I’d never been to before. The rest is history.”
She turns in my arms and pushes against my chest, “No, stop. I can’t...there are things…if you knew what I did you wouldn’t even want to look at me.”
“Not true,” I tighten my hold on her just to prove her wrong. I open my mouth to speak but she beats me to it.
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, Hudson, really I do but this,” she frowns, searching for the words. “This thing between us, it can never be.”
“Because he won’t let you?” I ask challenging her. She still didn’t understand how much he was holding her back. She’d taken great strides tonight but my gut told me to keep pushing.
“Because I’m not good enough,” she says forcefully, pushing me back. I was right, another nasty trick from dear Erik. Of course she’s good enough, more than. At that’s where the problem really lies. She was too good for me.
“Says who?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it does.”
“Why?”
Something inside of me finally snaps and I’m done holding back. I need her in my arms when I say the words. I need to her to feel my heart against hers. I move fast, faster than she expects, scooping her up into my arms, lifting her eye level with me. I stare into her doe-eyes dead on and lay it on her.
“Because I’m the one who isn’t good enough. Not you. It’s the other way around. You are the most beautiful creature I’ve ever seen. The courage in your eyes, even now, is absolutely breathtaking. The strength in your body, the warmth in your soul, after six years of hell. Fuck, baby, I’m not worthy of you.”
*****
Alice
I don’t believe him. I can’t. I won’t. Didn’t he hear what I said? Any of it? I chose the monster. I chose Erik. Therefore, I’m not worth his time.
“Yes, I heard every word but you’re still wrong. You didn’t deserve any of it. That’s him, right there, in your head,” he says softly. I cringe realizing I’d spoken my thoughts
out loud. I haven’t spoken in years and now I don’t seem to have an off switch.
“I like hearing you talk, even if it’s bullshit coming out of your mouth,” he grins. Crap, another slip.
“Put me down please.”
“I don’t want to. I like feeling you close to me,” his grin grows bigger, if at all possible.
“Hudson, please,” I’m on the verge of tears. “I’m tired.”
His words hit me in the chest, directly in the heart. His intentions I’m sure but this entire night has been a whirlwind. Everything is backwards. How can he believe he isn’t worthy of me?
“We can sleep when we’re dead.”
“My throat hurts,” I whisper truthfully. I hadn’t spoken in so long, I was sure I’d forgotten how to do it. It was a shock to discover the mechanics of it still worked. I was also desperate for space but I didn’t know how to tell him that. I need time to process what has happened.
He lets me go and I slide down the length of his body. For a brief moment I allow myself to feel him pressed close against me, to enjoy his hard chest under my palms, to absorb the warmth of his body. I allow myself a moment to pretend this is the start of us, something beautiful and something pure, untainted by our pasts. I let him be Hudson and I let myself be the girl who’s falling in love with him.
I step away from him after my allotted moment and immediately begin to miss him.
“Goodnight Hudson.”
“Get some rest,” he tells me. I nod, quietly padding my way to the bedroom.
It was too much. All of it.
I saw what Hudson wanted me to see. I may not be trapped in the closet under the stairs but Erik still controlled me. I was still his puppet.
Chapter 20
Hudson
Her screams wake me from a dead sleep. I jump out of my chair and move towards the bedroom. Something was wrong.
Alice.
I was moving faster than anticipated. So, when I twisted the knob and pushed and the door open, it didn’t budge, causing me to smash face first into it.
“Son of a b--” I howl, seeing stars. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I check to see if it’s busted. The door opens with a whoosh and a small mass of woman slams into me knocking me down onto my ass. I reach for her, tucking her to my front, softening her fall.
Alice.
“What the--” she sits up and pushes her dark hair out of her sleep riddled face. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I chuckle, the throbbing in my nose subsiding.
“No you’re not, you’re bleeding,” she stands and offers her hand. I take it, using the moment to pull her into me. I need to feel her near. She tries to pull away but I refuse to let go. She shoots me a look and rolls her eyes, yanking away from me this time. I follow her to the bathroom, trying to ignore the sway of her ass as we go. She motions for me to set while she wets a washcloth.
“I’m fine,” I repeat, with what I hope looks like a smile. I’m not entirely sure what she sees but I know my voice wavers, thoughts of her ass in my hands puts me on edge. She presses a cool wet cloth to my nose, pulling my thoughts away from less than chivalrous things. She furrows her brow concentrating on my wound. She doesn’t like seeing me hurt. “It doesn’t hurt.”
“You smashed into the door pretty hard,” she looks at me guarded.
“Not going to lie, that didn’t feel good,” I smirk.
“What were you doing?” She rinses the washcloth again. I know there wasn’t much to clean up but she keeps her hands busy hanging the cloth to dry. She turns to me, cocks her hip out and waits.
Her hair’s a mess, like usual, but its new length gives her the sex hair effect. The sight causes my dick to spring to life. I shift trying to hide my growing attraction. She’s wearing a pair of shorts and a white tank that leaves nothing to the imagination. Damn, she looked good on our date, all glammed up, but this was a whole different level. She looks sexy as fuck right now.
“I was coming in to check on you,” I explain, trying not to picture her looking any better than this moment with swollen lips, flushed skin and liquid eyes. She rolls her eyes and places her hands on her hips, pushing her chest out. Fuck, don’t do that! My cock twitches and my mouth flounders to speak. “You were screaming.”
I regret my words as her demeanor immediately changes. I’ve heard every nightmare she’s had, even the small ones, since she’s been with me. This one was different though. She’s never screamed like that before. I never said anything to her about them because I didn’t want to cross a line. I even warned Missy the night she stayed with her. Whatever these nightmares were about, I knew it had to do with her time as Erik’s captive.
“I’m okay,” she breaks the silence, peeking up at me from underneath her lashes. Fuck! I loved when she did that.
“You can talk to me, precious,” I catch her hand with my mine, lacing our fingers. She nods, her eyes are on me but her thoughts are somewhere else.
*****
Alice
I want to tell him. Everything. All of it. But I’m not ready to see the disgust in his eyes when he looks at me. I know it will be there.
“They’re nightmares, aren’t they?”
I nod, unable to find my voice. I need to talk about them, to get them out, but they would change everything.
Shit!
“Do you have them often?” he asks and I look up at him. He sees the worry in my face and stands, lifting me up into his arms. He carries me to the living room, settling us onto the couch. I curl into him.
“I haven’t had them like that since coming here with you,” I watch my finger run along his chest, tracing random shapes into his skin. His arms tighten around me, grounding me to him. “You woke me before...it got too bad,” it was only a partial lie, he did wake me but not before things got bad. I didn’t want to tell him though. He’d ask questions I wasn’t ready to answer. If he knew what my dreams were filled of, surely I’d lose him.
Can’t lose what isn’t yours to begin with, my heart aches from the truth in those words. He wasn’t mine and he never would be. As much as I want him, I can’t put him through the shit storm that is my life. He deserved so much more than I could give him. It’s bad enough he’s as involved as he is now. If Erik ever found out about him, no, I couldn’t think like that. I knew how to deal with Erik and I would do whatever needed doing to keep Hudson safe from him.
“Are you okay?” He asks, interrupting my thoughts. One of his hands rest on my hip, the other on my knee, caressing it with his fingers, I like feeling them on me. I nod, taking in a deep breath. “I’ve got a great cure for bad dreams.”
He stands and carries me into the kitchen, setting me down on a bar stool. I frown up at him and he smirks, “Do you like chocolate?”
My frown disappears instantly, as I lift a hand to stifle a giggle.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he says and turns to the fridge.
“I’m a girl Hudson, it’s like a universal law or something,” I smile, watching his rear wiggle back and forth in front of me. Damn, the man had a fine ass. I sigh and my mind wanders and I think about what it looks like underneath his pajama pants. “It’s been a really long time since I’ve had any.”
Crap! I squeeze my eyes shut, mentally cursing myself. The words had come out more breathy than I intended. Thankfully he doesn’t notice and carries on.
“We’ll remedy that right now with extra chocolate,” he closing the refrigerator door, milk and chocolate mix in hand. He pulls two glasses down from the cupboard and proceeds to makes chocolate milk. I watch him work, hypnotized by the way his muscles shift and strain under his white shirt. His red flannel pants hang low at his hips, showing off his perfect V, they pool at his feet, which are bare. His toes peek up at me from underneath.
He flicks his eyes up from his task and smiles.
“Enjoying the view?” he’s grinning at me from ear to ear. I blush so deep my skin feels hot. He caught me checking him out and I was comp
letely guilty of it. I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. He stops stirring and he leans in toward me, I can feel the warmth of his breath on my face. “It’s okay, I know I’m sexy.”
“Wow, ego much?” I lift an eyebrow, leaning in to him, only diverting my attention last second to the glass of chocolate milk next to him. I pull back with a smirk, noticing the way his eyes have darkened.
“What can I say?” He steps back, holds out his arms and breaks into song and dance, gyrating his hips. “My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard...”
Chocolate milk sprays out of my mouth and nose, as I choke and sputter, in between fits of laughter. Thankfully Hudson had been smart enough to move out of the splash zone before breaking into his song and dance.
Did he really just do that?
I’m not used to seeing a man laugh, unless it’s for purely maniacal reasons. But seeing him like this, joking around, being comfortable enough to laugh at himself with me was refreshing. Experiencing him like this only makes it harder for me to fight my growing feelings. Why couldn’t we have met earlier in life when I could’ve been what he deserved?
“I love the sound of your laughter,” he says breaking me out of my thoughts and ruining the moment. My face slackens and I swallow hard. “It’s like a beautiful song.”
I shift uncomfortably and look down at my hands, my fingers twitch, faster than usual. The music strains in my head. Not the usual concerto this time. Something new, one I hadn’t thought about in a long time, one special for him. Rapid and woeful, just like our time together. Music has always been a shield for me, helping me to cope during moments of distress. While I was not distressed this time, I was being tortured with my thoughts. It wasn’t good to want something I couldn’t have.
I stand up, forgetting my chocolate milk and walk into the living room. He’s inspired me to feel things, to want them and I didn’t know how to cope with it. I haven’t had to worry about my own wants and needs for a long time. Someone else had done it for me. Erik controlled everything and as time went by, I learned my wants and needs didn’t matter. In a sense they still didn’t matter, since nothing would ever be more than it was now between Hudson and I.
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