“Em.”
I look up to see Kade on the steps of my apartment building. I nod and head to open the back of my old red Jeep. He walks toward me as I get the vision boards out of the trunk.
“What do you want Kade? I have work to do, I don’t have time for your shit today.” I really don’t have anything to do. I have been so productive this past week that I am ahead of schedule, I just have no desire to see or speak to him.
“We need to talk. The way we left things was wrong. I was wrong. I’m sorry I made you feel like the dress was more important than you. It's not. I love you.”
I know what is coming next and I am not looking forward to telling him we are done. Like forever done. Get out of my life and don't look back kind of done.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you Em. You make me want to be a better man. Marry me.” he says as he gets down on one knee.
I stand there dumbfounded. I knew he was here to get me back, but this is not what I was expecting. I’m sure the look on my face said it all because he began to panic.
“Look baby, I know I can be hard to handle sometimes, I can work on that. I will stop buying you fancy dresses you hate. We can go to couples therapy. I will do whatever you want, whatever you need me to do. Just don't leave me.”
Never once during our relationship had he ever called me baby. It took me by surprise. He must have taken that as me giving in because he smiled and got up and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. He came in again for a second try, and I had enough of this game.
“Do. Not. Touch. Me. And please don’t think that a proposal will change anything. I will never marry you. I don’t even want to be with you, I haven’t in a long time. I was just too beat down by you and my mother to realize I deserve better. That walk on the beach let me reconnect with my dad, forget all the crap my mom has tried to guilt me into in his name. Including you.”
“You really think I beat you down? You are clearly delusional. I never once laid a hand on you.” he says as he takes a step back, clearly offended. Good.
I couldn’t believe he said that. As if physical abuse is the only way to beat someone into submission. “You are the dumbest smart person I have ever met. No, you never hit me with your hands, just your words, your actions. Every time you insinuate that I am fat, that my job is not good enough, my clothes, my hair, my car. You tear me down every chance you get, just like my mother. You are just like her and I am done with both of you.” I say as I walk to my apartment building and up the stairs to the entrance door, with him trailing behind me.
I unlock the door to the building and close it behind me, leaving him at the bottom of the steps. It felt good to stand up to him. To finally get all of that out and off my chest. I feel free for the first time since before my dad died. I head up the stairs and to my apartment with a new sense of purpose. I live for me, and only me. I am done pleasing everyone else, it is time to please myself.
“Spence you home?” I shout as soon as I get in the door.
“Emmey I’m in the kitchen. Thought I would try my hand at Indian food tonight. Not looking so good.” he said as he laughed his flamboyant laugh.
“Well in that case we should probably go out for dinner….and maybe dancing?” I say half joking.
“Emmey you have just made my day so much better! I’ll go get ready now. Gay or straight club? Please don’t say straight.” he dramatically pouts and holds his hands in a begging manner. “You know you are my best friend in the whole world and you wouldn’t want to torture me with all beautiful men I can’t have.”
“Oh, I would never do that to you.” I smile and pinch his cheek. I smack his butt “Go get sexy you little drama queen.”
This will be good for me. I want to get out but am in no mood to deal with some cocky prick trying to take me home. I head to my room to get ready for what will probably be a long and entertaining night.
Chapter 20
Ember
We decide to get a ride rather than drive, that way we can both drink to our hearts desire. The car pulls up to the hottest gay club in the city. The line is wrapped around the block, but thanks to my job I have contacts and we get to go right in.
This place is one of my favorite clubs, not only because I can get in for free, but because it is so diverse. It is labeled and marketed as a gay club, but it is a good mix of gay, straight, bi and whatever else people are these days. There are multiple areas in the two level structure. The back outdoor area is huge and has a softer atmosphere, low music and a mini-bar that only serves shots. It’s my favorite place here. However tonight we are here to dance.
We walk past the first dance floor, with rave type music and lights. Everyone is glowing under the black lights, their movements looking strange with the flashing of the strobes. Then we make our way down the hall to the center bar. It is so packed in here tonight.
“What do you want to drink?” I shout over the music into Spencer’s ear.
“What? He shouts back.
I tilt my hand in front of my mouth in the universal ‘drink’ sign.
“Oh, vodka redbull and shots” he yells into my ear.
I give him a thumbs up and make my way to find a space at the bar to order. The bartender smiles and waves her finger at me mouthing ‘just a sec’. She has worked a few events for my company and is always so nice to me. Spence thinks she has a crush on me, but I think she is just a decent person.
“Em! Good to see you. What cha havin?”
“Good to see you too, Lucy. Can I get two shots of Goldschläger, vodka redbull and rum & coke.”
I adjust the bottom of my black dress; my large ass and hips cause it to gradually ride up as I walk, and I don’t want to give the whole club a show while I’m carrying our drinks back to Spence. I shimmy a bit as I slide the snug material back down to its proper place just above my knees. I look up to see Lucy raising her eyebrow to me and laughing.
“Maybe you should have rethought that outfit. I can tell you will be doing that all night.” she says as she sets the shots down in front of me and walks off to start the drinks.
I just smile and laugh. She has a point, this should make dancing very interesting.
She brings the drinks and I hand her my card. “Start a tab, please.” she gives me thumbs up, slides my card and hands it back before she is on to the next person.
I take a drink in each hand and hold one shot with each of my pinkies as I make my way back to Spence near the entrance to the next dance floor. He takes his from me and we take our shots right away.
Spence pulls the door open to the hip-hop area and a thick wave of humidity hits us as we walk in. The smell of sweat and liqueur is almost overwhelming as it fills my nose. I try not to breathe through my mouth because if it smells this bad I surely don't want to taste it. As we walk to the dance floor we chug our first drinks down and set them on the bar along the right wall as we pass it. It must be an old school night because everything they are playing is from the 90’s. We dance for about an hour before we need drinks again.
When ‘The Humpty Dance’ comes on Spence freaks out and pulls me back to the dance floor before I have a chance to finish my drink. I end up chugging this one too. We dance our ass off for a few more songs before I, mostly my feet, need a break.
“Want to head up stairs for a bit?” I motion to the steps next to the stager at the back of the large room.
“Yeah, darts? So I can kick your ass, as usual.” he chuckles.
I roll my eyes and we cross the dance floor to get to the staircase. At the top the hall splits off the left and right. One side has a karaoke bar and the other is like a gaming bar. That’s where we head.
Pool tables cover the center of the room, dart boards line two of the walls and the long bar covers another. The music in here is always more to my liking. Most of the time it is rock of all sorts. Every once in a while, something different will come on and everyone in here always looks around the room to see who the smart ass is that picke
d it from the jukebox.
We walk past the pool tables, strate to the bar to refill our drinks and then make our way to the dart boards. Spence was on a league in college and always wins, but he has shown me tricks over the years and I have greatly improved.
“Someday I’m going to win, you know.” I say as we walk.
He arches a brow. “You keep dreaming, sugar.”
We set the board to 701 and chose the least shity darts from the bucket.
“So, have you heard from Kade lately?” he asks as he throws his first dart. He glances at me out of the corner of his eye before he throws the next dart.
I can’t help but laugh as I think of that encounter today.
“What’s so funny?” he asks, turning to me with a very concerned look. “Please tell me you haven’t been seeing him, Emmey. That would be the worst thing you could possibly do. I mean going back to him is like asking for a life of misery and depression. I can’t let you do this.”
Wow I had no idea Spence thought I would do that. He thinks I would be sneaking around, or that I would just be too scared or embarrassed to tell him. Well, I guess I would be embarrassed if I had taken him back, but I still would have told Spencer the truth. He is really trying to convince me of something I already know, but I’ll just let him finish.
“Look, I know that he made you think less of yourself and that you couldn’t do better, but you know you can, right? I mean look at you and Jonas. That is the man for you, he’s perfect in every way. Don’t let yourself get dragged down by Kade, he’s a piece of shit…No he's worse than that…he’s a…” he pauses and looks at me. “What’s worse than shit?”
“A flaming bag of shit?” I’m not really sure if it was rhetorical or not.
“Yes, that’s it. He is a big nasty flaming bag of shit, Ember. You hear me?” he is almost yelling at this point.
Ember? Wow he must be really pissed to use my given name.
“Spence?”
“What?” he barks
I decide at this point he is already mad so I might as well mess with him. “Well, I did in fact see him today. He asked me to marry him.”
His jaw drops and eyes go big. I can see the horror on his face, it is so hard not to laugh. He turns back to the dart board and throws his last dart, then walks to pull them all out. He stays there a lot longer than he needs to. Finally, after what I’m assuming is him gaining his composure he walks back.
I step up to the line and throw my first dart. Surprisingly I get a bull’s eye which makes me squeal and jump up and down excitedly. “Oh. My. God. That never happens! Spence look!” I yell pointing at the dart board.
He just nods his head. He looks like he is going to be sick. I probably should not be getting this much entertainment out of this, but it’s funny. My second dart misses the board completely and the third barely hits the outer ring on 16. After I pull my darts and walk back, Spence takes his turn. We go through a few cycles of this before he finally speaks.
“Emmey?”
“Hum?” I say as I throw and miss the ring, but at least it didn’t hit the wall this time. I really need to practice.
He looks like he is scared to ask whatever it is that he has on his mind. I know it could only be a few possible questions with what I said to him. But I’ll wait till he gets the balls to say it out loud. This really shouldn’t be this fun.
“So…ah…so what did you say?” he asks as he rubs the back of his neck and stares at the floor.
“Say?” I give him a confused look.
“You know, to Kade.”
“Oh, that.” I turn back and throw my next dart. I am getting better now. I throw the last one and pull them before I speak. “Well, I pretty much told him to go fuck himself.”
The look on his face is now anger, well maybe I did drag it out a little much. I just laugh at him.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he says as he huffs past me to take his turn. “You are a dick. Did you really have to keep me in that state of panic?”
“What? Did you really think that I would go back to him? Serves you right for thinking so little of me. It’s not my fault you were so ready to think the worst of me.” I say with a victorious tone.
“Did he really even propose? Or was that just to get under my skin. You’re such a jackass.”
I can’t stop laughing at him. I should be the one that’s upset about what he assumed I would do. “Yes, he did.” I say between laughing and trying to breath.
“What the hell was he thinking? I have never liked him, but I thought he was smarter than that. I mean he is a lawyer, how is he so dumb?”
“Some people can’t have book smarts and common sense, I guess.”
“Well Jonas didn’t have that issue.” he said coldly.
That’s the second time he has mentioned Jonas tonight. I wish he would stop. It really hurts to think of him. Every time I close my eyes I see the look on his face when he walked out of my life. I screwed it up so bad, I tried to not hurt Kade but ended up losing the one person I can’t seem to do without. I think of him every waking moment, and dream of him every night. I will never forgive myself for betraying his trust, for not telling him that I was a chicken shit and hadn’t broken it off with Kade.
Now I get to live with my mistakes for the rest of my life. The regret eats at me. It drives me insane. I wish I could go to him, tell him how sorry I am for hurting him. That is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love him. Plain and simple. And now I have to live without him.
“Emmey?” Spence pulls me out of my self-loathing. “Are you ok?”
“I have to be. I don’t really have any other choice.” I say with a weak smile.
“Have you talked to him? Jonas, I mean.”
“I tried calling him after everything went to shit. He blocked my calls. Now he’s probably halfway across the world, so that's it. There’s nothing I can do or say to him that will help him to forgive me. I just have to…have to get over him.” I can barely hold back the tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to cry anymore. I have shed so many tears for him already, all it does is give me a runny nose and puffy eyes. It will never bring him back to me.
“I’m sorry I asked. I just thought…you know…I mean you two were perfect together. He made you so happy.”
“Stop.” I cut him off before he could continue to remind me of the awful person I am. “I can’t do this Spence. I’m going back to dance.”
I throw the darts back in the bucket and walk back down stairs. I pass through the hip-hop dance floor. As soon as I open the door I feel the fresh air circulating. I walk straight back to the center bar where Lucy is working.
“Shots.” I say and she pulls out the liquid gold I love so much.
“How many?”
“Four.”
She pours them and I knock them all back in seconds. Fuck this night. It was supposed to be fun. This is not fun.
I close my tab and make my way to the rave dance floor. I let the music guide my body and the alcohol takes over. I manage to make some friends, we have round after round of jello shots. I haven’t seen Spencer since I left him playing darts. Things are really fuzzy, I can feel myself fading.
I don’t know how long I was dancing for, or how much I actually had to drink. All I know is I can barely stand let alone walk. Someone is holding me up, I can’t really tell who. It’s not Spence, maybe one of my new friends? I can feel the cool night air on my face, so I must be outside. I feel my feet leave the ground and everything goes black.
∞∞∞
I wake up in a large room, the bedding is stark white. It is soft and very comfortable, but I don’t know where I am. What the hell did I do last night? The walls are all white, there is a glass desk just in front of the French doors that look like they lead to a balcony. The doors are open and the wind is blowing the sheer white curtains inward.
My head is killing me. Where is my phone? Where is anything of mine? My mouth tastes like vomit, I’m assuming I left a mess some
where. I need to get up; every time I try my head spins and my vision blurs to the point I feel nauseous. Shit. What kind of mess did I get myself into?
The room is quiet aside from the noise drifting through the open doors. There is no sign of the person that lives here.
I feel myself, I have clothes on. That’s a good sign, but it doesn’t feel like the dress I was wearing. Maybe a large t-shirt. A man’s shirt. I still have panties on. God, I hope I didn’t do what I think I did. I close my eyes to try to focus but soon everything goes black again.
∞∞∞
I open my eyes to find myself in the same room. I was really hoping it was just a dream, guess not. There is a glass of water and a bottle of pain relief pills. At least whoever I shacked up with last night was nice enough to let me sleep and leave that for me. Could be worse.
I slowly make myself sit up. It's much easier than it was the first time I woke up. I open the pill bottle, it's brand new with the seal and all. Hopefully that means it is not going to kill me, though at this point I really don’t think I would mind. I pop two of the pills in my mouth and drain the glass of water.
I see what looks like a bathroom and I make myself get off the bed to go pee. This place is really nice, beautiful wood floor under my feet that transitions into what looks like marble tiles in the bathroom. The shower is the first thing I see when I walk through the door. It is very big, looks like ten people could take a shower at the same time with the two large rainwater shower heads and a shit ton of jets on the three walls. My whole bathroom could fit in that shower. Off to the side is a large jacuzzi tub, that could easily fit two large people. I find the toilet tucked away in its own little stall, hidden from the rest of the beautiful room. When I’m done I make my way to the double sink. Like the bedroom everything is black and white, this place seems to be completely void of color.
I splash my face with cold water and look in the mirror. I look like death. My hair is matted on one side of my head, my eyes are bloodshot and my skin is pale and lifeless. Bet this guy is going to love this sight when I make my way out to find him, or her I guess. I was at a gay bar. Well, that would be embarrassing to say the least. I can’t imagine what that would have been like.
Ribbon of Fate: Love or lust? Page 18