Tender Betrayal

by Rosanne Bittner

  Audra felt her cheeks growing hotter. “I’m fine. Please hurry with the bath. I need to wash. Have the Jeffreys men had their breakfast yet?”

  “Yes, ma’am…all but Lee. He’s sleeping in.” She folded her arms, giving Audra a knowing look. “I suppose it’s because the funeral and all yesterday was such a strain.”

  Audra raised her chin defiantly. “I suppose.”

  Toosie arched an eyebrow as she turned to walk to the bathroom connected to Audra’s room. If Audra wanted to talk about what had happened to her last night, it was up to her to say something, certainly not Toosie. She shivered at the thought of what Joseph Brennan would say and do if he knew his precious daughter had lost her virginity, and to a Yankee man, no less! There would be hell to pay. She was certainly never going to say a word and be the reason for the tirade that would follow if the truth were known. She had to smile, though, at the thought that if Master Brennan owned Lee Jeffreys, he would sell him off quick enough if he’d found him with his daughter.

  Audra watched Toosie disappear into the bathroom. She ached to talk to the woman, to any woman. She had so many questions. What happened physically to a woman when she lay with a man for the first time? She couldn’t even remember how many times Lee had made love to her. And why had it been so easy to let him do it? Never had she known such utter ecstasy, and she wished it didn’t have to end. Maybe it didn’t. Maybe now, after what happened last night, Lee would go to Brennan Manor with her, help her face her father with the truth, and marry her.

  She looked down at herself, put her hand to her belly. Is it your time, Miss Audra? Toosie had asked. She wished she could ask the woman if Lee was right about what he had said last night, when he asked her the same thing. He wanted to know when she had had her last monthly period. She had been embarrassed to death to talk about such a thing, but he seemed to think it was so important. When she told him it had ended only three days ago, he had looked relieved. It’s not likely I’ve made you pregnant then, he had told her. She wished she could ask Toosie if she knew that was true. And how did a man know such things?

  She knew so little about Lee Jeffreys’s life beyond Maple Shadows. How did he conduct himself back in New York? Did he have a mistress in the big city? Had he visited whores? She would not know about such things herself if not for the indecent things Eleanor was always telling her, stories she learned from her many “suitors.” Were such women better at pleasing a man than she had been last night? And now that she knew what “it” was, she was shocked to realize that Eleanor must be doing such things with several different men. How terribly sinful!

  Still, was doing it with just one man any less sinful? Surely it was, for she had lain with Lee out of great love and passion and pity, not just for the physical pleasure of it. Oh, she had so many questions, and no one to ask! How would she face Lee this morning? It had been bad enough having to face him after that night on the beach, but this!

  Her heart was more torn than ever, for she so longed to be back home, yet the thought of leaving Lee behind brought a terrible pain to her chest. It was going to be impossible now to forget him, equally impossible to marry Richard Potter. Never could she imagine letting anyone but Lee do such things to her. If Lee still felt they could not be together, would she never make love with a man again for the rest of her life?

  She felt as though she was moving in a haze as she picked out her clothes, deciding she had better dress demurely. She chose a pale-pink linen dress with embroidered roses bordering the ends of the long sleeves and around the high neckline. Each little button up the front of the dress was shaped like a rose, and she decided to wear very tiny ruby earrings. Toosie came to tell her her bath was ready, and she gladly undressed and climbed into the brass tub, sinking deep, letting the hot water soothe her aching body.

  Would Lee think her a wanton woman, like the whores? Was that how she had behaved? The whole night was a blur of ecstasy. She wondered if she had somehow been drugged, for until now she never dreamed she would be capable of such wildness. Surely he understood she had allowed his pleasure only because she loved him, and that love made her desire him so. And what would Joey think? She could not tell Joey. She would never tell anyone what had happened last night, even if Lee should decide to marry her.

  She finished bathing and came into the room to see that Toosie had removed the bedclothes and rolled them up so that the maid would not see the stains on them. Toosie had not said another word, but Audra could feel the woman’s unspoken questions and criticism. She helped Audra dress, and Audra sat down so that Toosie could brush her hair.

  “Just roll up the sides and back and pin them. I want a very plain hairdo this morning.” Audra looked into the mirror to see the hint of a smile on Toosie’s face as she obeyed the order. The look in her eyes made her uncomfortable. “I happen to love Lee Jeffreys,” she told Toosie proudly.

  Toosie nodded. “I have known that all summer, ma’am. He seems like a man easy to love, for a Yankee, that is. I understand about love, Miss Audra. Just because I am black and a slave does not mean I don’t have the same feelings as white women.”

  The opening had been made, and Audra could not help sharing her feelings. “What should I do, Toosie?”

  The woman finished pinning her hair and set down the brush. She took extra hairpins from a pocket on her apron and laid them on the dressing table as she spoke. “You just have to follow your heart, Miss Audra. You have to choose…Lee Jeffreys, or your father and Brennan Manor. You will never be able to have both. I can’t see Mr. Jeffreys coming there to live, and I’m not sure you can bring yourself to leave Joey there alone. He will never be able to run the plantation, ma’am. That’s my opinion. When Master Brennan is gone, who will do it but you and your husband? Mr. Jeffreys, I figure, is very capable, but would he be willing to do it?”

  Audra sighed. “Maybe after last night…”

  “Maybe last night was just something that had to be, no matter what happens after that.”

  Audra rose and faced her. “I never thought you’d understand.”

  “I understand more than you know, Miss Audra, especially the hurt. You’d better know that the hurt will get worse. Mr. Jeffreys is part of the northern cause against men like your father. Ask yourself, Miss Audra…what if, because of last night, Mr. Jeffreys agreed to marry you and went back to Brennan Manor with you? And what if after that, Louisiana and other southern states seceded from the Union? It would tear him apart. If the North should take measures to stop the secessions, whose side would Mr. Jeffreys be on? He would be treated like an enemy at home, and life would be very unhappy for him. He would want to come back north, and he would bring you with him, take you away from Brennan Manor and your father and Joey. You would be up here, your heart and loyalties torn. Then you would be the unhappy one. You would blame Mr. Jeffreys for that. If something terrible happened to Brennan Manor, to your father or Joey, you would end up hating your husband; and if he stayed there with you, it would be he who ended up hating you. Isn’t it better to part now, remembering your love, instead of learning to hate later on? By then there might be a child between you, and that would make all the deciding even harder. You know where you belong, Miss Audra, and Mr. Jeffreys knows where he belongs.”

  Audra blinked back tears. She should never listen to the advice of a Negro, but Toosie was smarter. She had been tutored right along with Audra and Joey. Education was generally forbidden to Negroes, but her father had allowed it for Toosie. She supposed it was because he wanted his daughter’s personal servant to be better than the common slaves. Whatever the reason, Toosie was a well-spoken woman. Audra knew good and well that Toosie was loyal, that she cared about her. She should chastise her for offering advice to her own mistress, but she had asked for that advice, and she knew the woman was right.

  She was too weary and confused this morning to worry about protocol. She felt emotionally shaky, physically unsure. “Do you think he still respects me?”

  Toosie s
miled. “Yes, ma’am, I believe he does.”

  Audra turned to study herself in the mirror before going downstairs. She looked so different than she had the day before. A tight feeling moved into her stomach when she realized she was most certainly not innocent any longer. Would everyone downstairs stare at her as though she were wearing a revealing gown and were wickedly painted, or would they treat her no differently than they had yesterday? “I have to talk to him.”

  “Yes, ma’am. And you look just fine. I am sure nobody knows what happened, and I am sure that Mr. Jeffreys loves and respects you enough that he would never tell. It will be your special secret that nobody can take away from you.”

  Audra turned to notice tears in Toosie’s eyes. “The same thing happened with you and Elijah, didn’t it?”

  Toosie nodded. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “I don’t know why Father wouldn’t let you many him.”

  Toosie turned away. “Your father and my mother did not think he was good enough.”

  Audra frowned. “For goodness’ sake, Toosie, why on earth should it matter to Father who a slave chooses to love?”

  Toosie ignored the harsh remark. She was used to Audra talking that way, and she knew she did not mean it the way it sounded. “I suppose he thinks I am special because I am your personal servant,” she lied, “and because he thinks so highly of my mother.” She faced Audra. “It might be best not to bring it up to him. He would know I had been talking to you about Elijah, and he would be angry with me, as well as angry with you for talking about personal things with me.” She walked over to pick up Audra’s soiled nightgown. “I’ll wash your gown and bedclothes myself so that no one sees them. You had better go and have your talk with Mr. Jeffreys. Your father could arrive here at any time to take you home.”

  The words brought a sinking feeling to Audra’s stomach. Yes, she must go home soon. Maybe it was best. She could not really choose between Lee and home until she was back at Brennan Manor, until she was home again. There was something about this place that had caused her to lose herself. Maybe it was not the real Audra who had shared a bed last night with Lee Jeffreys. “Thank you for your advice, Toosie. I don’t think we should speak of any of this again.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Audra was tempted to walk over and put an arm around Toosie, comfort her, but felt it would be totally out of place. She turned and left the room.

  Toosie heard the door close, and it was only then that she let herself sink into a chair. “Elijah,” she whispered. She had not wept over him for a long time, but knowing Audra would suffer a similar pain awakened old memories. She covered her face and let the tears come.

  Audra walked the winding pathway to the Jeffreys estate cemetery. Grass around the pathway was trampled from the crowd that had gathered there yesterday for Anna’s burial. Her plot was beside the grave of the child she had lost at birth. Lee’s paternal grandparents were also buried here. Someday his father would rest beside his mother, and probably Lee himself would be buried here, for New England was where he belonged, just as she belonged in Louisiana.

  The housemaid had given her a message that Lee was at the cemetery and wanted her to come to him. He must have known it would be difficult for her to join the rest of the family right away, as though nothing had happened, and she was glad she would have the chance to talk to him alone first. Still, she trembled inside, and she felt much too warm for the cool morning. She had started out with a shawl, but she had already removed it.

  She spotted him then, sitting on a bench near the grave, which was on a rise overlooking Long Island Sound. A breeze rustled the drying leaves on the thick stand of trees that surrounded the little plot, and the sun made their colors seem more brilliant than usual. She came closer, then hesitated, aware that her face had surely turned a deep red the moment their eyes met. It took only that one look, that vision of him standing there in a fine tweed suit, so tall and broad and handsome, his eyes so blue, for her to want him all over again. She thought about her song…There you stand, my love, so tall and strong…

  He walked toward her, put out his hand. She took it, and when he closed his around her own slender fingers, she felt a warm reassurance. Yes, he still loved her. He still respected her. He led her to the bench and she sat down beside him. He took hold of both her hands then, leaning close. “Are you all right?”

  She looked down at his hands. Last night they had touched her everywhere. He knew her intimately now, had claimed every part of her body, tasted every inch of her. “Yes. I’m just tired.”

  He smiled a little, aching to spend the day with her in the bed they had shared. Never had he enjoyed a woman so much. No wonder she was tired. She had responded so willingly and with such innocent passion. He had taken something he had little right taking, yet somehow he did not regret any of it. Deep down he felt a wonderful satisfaction that at least he had been the one to show her the way, to keep lovemaking from being terrifying and unsatisfying. He squeezed her hands.

  “I love you, Audra. Always remember that. I would never have used you, and I never want you to think that I would.”

  “I know,” she answered quietly.

  Oh, the desire to kiss that sweet mouth again. But he knew that if he did, he would lose himself again, and he didn’t want that this morning. Something had to be decided. “I’m willing to marry you and go to Brennan Manor,” he told her.

  She raised her eyes then, and he could see her surprise. What a lovely green those eyes were, like the sea. She studied him intently before answering. “Tell me honestly, Lee, if that is what you want, or if you just want to do the right thing by me.”

  He sighed deeply. “I do want to do the right thing, but not just because of last night. I simply love you and want you to be my wife.”

  “And you would give up your law practice for that? You would give up your whole way of life? You would come to Brennan Manor and learn to run a plantation full of slaves, to take second place to my father as master of that plantation? You would learn our way of life and would be perfectly satisfied and support us if we should secede from the Union?” Audra saw the look in his eyes change from tender love to anger and confusion. “No, Lee, you couldn’t do that. In fact, I suppose I would not love you as much if you swallowed your pride and your honor and beliefs just for me. I don’t want you that way. You love me now, but you would hate me so after a while.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t think I could bear having you for my own for a year or two and then losing you. You said once that parting would be easier now than later. I know now what you meant.”

  He saw something new in her eyes, a maturity that had not been there before. Audra Brennan had grown up a lot since he first met her back in June. God knew he’d done his share in forcing it on her. Joseph Brennan would not be getting back the innocent daughter he had sent here.

  “What about you?” he asked. “It goes both ways. Do you love me enough to stay here, give up Brennan Manor, to stand up for the Union and support me in my efforts to stamp out slavery?”

  A tear slipped down her cheek, and she let go of one of his hands to wipe it away. “It is not a question of how much we love each other, is it, Lee?”

  “No.” He moved an arm around her and let her rest her head against his shoulder. “We know we love each other as much as anyone can love. It’s a question of principles and loyalty. Much as it hurts, sometimes those things have to come first, don’t they?”

  She clung to his wool jacket and cried quietly. “Yes,” she whispered.

  “It’s decided, then. I had to try at least.” He gave her a gentle hug. “I’m going back to New York today. After everything that has happened, I can’t stay while you’re still here. You should go back home, regain your perspective of who you are, where you belong. I don’t think you can decide what you really want until you go back, Audra.”

  She took a handkerchief from her sleeve and wiped at her eyes. “Promise me you will never tell anyone what we did; that you
will never joke about it or say anything to take away from the beauty of it.”

  He kissed her hair. “You know me better. It’s no one’s business but our own; and it was right, Audra. I know in my heart it was right, no matter what happens.”

  “Do you really think it’ll come to war?”

  It made him sick to think of such a possibility. “I only know there are powerful men in the North who are already talking about using armed force if southern states begin trying to secede. There is already talk about what we can do to strangle the South into submission if necessary.” He shifted, taking hold of her arms. “Audra, no matter how much you believe in your way of life and in states’ rights, you have to try to make your father understand what could happen if he and others like him keep ignoring government demands. The North has all the industry, many times the greater population, all the resources necessary to destroy the South if that’s what it will take to preserve the Union.”

  She pulled away from him, sensing for the first time the intensity of his beliefs. “Destroy? You would go along with such a thing?”

  He closed his eyes and looked away. “If it came to that, yes, I would.”

  “Even if it meant killing men like my father? And Joey? Even if the Negroes would rise against us and murder us and burn us out?”

  “Don’t put it that way, Audra.”

  “What other way is there to put it?” she answered indignantly. She rose from the bench, walking to look at the water.

  In the next moment he was standing behind her, resting his hands on her shoulders. “Let’s not get into all that, Audra.”

  “We have no choice.” She turned and faced him. “Would you really have married me if I had said yes a moment ago?”

  He searched her eyes. “Yes.”

  “Knowing it could never last?”

  The words stabbed at him. “Yes. I just didn’t want you to think last night meant nothing to me.” He grasped her hands again. “Audra, let’s never let our differences spoil last night, how we felt. We loved each other, and we expressed that love. For one night we had no differences. For one night it was just Lee and Audra. There was no Maple Shadows, no death. There was no Brennan Manor, no Joey, no politics.”