Audra wiped at a tear that slipped down her cheek. “It seems so traitorous, as if I was consorting with the enemy; and here I am wearing black on top of it all! I can’t, Toosie. Can I? It’s men like Lee who could be responsible for Joey lying dead or wounded somewhere, or in one of their prisons! It just isn’t right for me to go and see him.”
“You don’t know what he’s been through himself. Maybe he’d be happy to see a friend in the middle of a town full of people who hate them so much. Maybe he has suffered something you don’t know about and needs an old friend to talk to. Joey loved him, too. Joey would say you should go and see him—in spite of the fact that he is a Yankee.”
Audra smiled. Toosie was right. Joey would never hate Lee, even though he was supposed to be the enemy. “I don’t know. What about Eleanor and Aunt Janine?”
“They might as well know. Lee might come here asking about you. You have the right to see him. Lee Jeffreys was your good friend and he loved you. Even though he’s the enemy, he’s worth a lot more than Eleanor or your aunt!” She touched Audra’s arm again. “Besides, Eleanor seems to think it’s perfectly all right to mingle with the Yankees. But, if you want an excuse for going to see him, you can tell your aunt that since you know Lee, you’re doing this to keep her and Eleanor safe, that in case of trouble, you’re asking Lee to make sure no harm comes to them or to this home.”
Audra looked back at the camp below. That summer at Maple Shadows seemed like such a long, long time ago now, much longer than three years. And she was such a different woman now, a far cry from the innocent seventeen-year-old who had loved so openly and with such passion. Could she ever recapture that feeling? And even after the horrors of those first days with Richard, a few hours in Lee’s arms had made it so easy to give herself again. Did he think often about that night they had shared a bed when she belonged to another man? Would it all be different now, because of the ugly war?
Everything Lee had predicted when they’d argued at Maple Shadows had come true. Something much bigger than their love had torn them apart, something not over yet. She would go and see him because it was the right thing to do for now, and because there was probably no getting around it; but the past could not be reawakened, could it? Nothing could ever be the same again.
“Tell Aunt Janine that we are just going for a walk. I want to wait until I have talked to Lee before I tell them I’ve seen him. If he isn’t going to be here for long, there is no sense telling them at all.”
“Yes, and I’ll get your veiled hat and your gloves.”
Audra wondered what it would be like to see Lee again. What terrible things had he been through? Would he hate her now, just because she was a Confederate? There was only one way to find out. She drew a breath and tried to be calm. “God help me,” she whispered.
23
Audra found most of the Yankee soldiers well mannered, but she could not quell the uneasiness she felt being surrounded by hundreds of the enemy, any of whom might have shot her without hesitation if the citizens of Baton Rouge had resisted. Although most were polite and tipped their hats and seemed respectful of her black clothing and veil, she did not miss the looks in some of the men’s eyes. There were obviously good men among these troops, but there were also those who enjoyed playing the conqueror, and who, if not for superior officers to keep them in line, would feel they had every right to take whatever they could, including women. A few were all-out rude and made comments about the “spoiled southern belle and her nigger.”
“You can stay with us, honey,” one man offered Toosie. “You don’t have to go traipsing after some white bitch anymore.”
These men were supposedly here to help free the slaves, yet she sensed that, for the most part, they didn’t have any more respect for Negroes than someone like Richard had. She could not recall ever hearing or reading about any Northerners who had opened their arms to the Negroes or made them an offer to come North, where they would be welcomed, trained, educated, housed, given wage-paying jobs. She wondered how surprised and disappointed the runaways and freed slaves were going to be when they reached the North and found they were no more welcome there than they were in the South.
She couldn’t help becoming angry about the irony of the situation. People like Toosie and Henrietta and their driver Henry were going to suffer, no matter how this war turned out, and she was feeling more and more responsible to do something about it. The war had awakened something in her she had never experienced before, had made her realize she cared about the Negroes in a way she had once never thought possible. She suspected that for the most part, she cared more about them than did most of these men who had come to “free” them.
A wagon clattered past, hauling a cannon. The sight of the big gun brought a tight feeling to Audra’s stomach. Men marched everywhere, horses whinnied, orders were shouted. This was a fully armed camp, men ready to move at the slightest hint of aggression. No one had any doubts that Port Hudson was next, and Baton Rouge would probably be their home base for planning the next siege.
“Did you check the lists of dead and wounded this morning?” she asked Toosie.
“Yes, ma’am. Joey’s name was not there.”
Audra jumped when a nearby gunshot startled her. She turned to see a man holding a rifle, and a pigeon plopped to the ground not far away. “Just shootin’ at birds, ma’am,” the man said with a wink. He and those around him broke into laughter, and Audra felt a flash of fury. Only one of them did not seem to think it was so funny. He stepped away from the others and apologized. “Some of these men have been through a lot, ma’am. They need to shoot off a little steam, find ways to relax.”
“And I suppose you think we have not been through any hardships!” she asked.
The man studied her black dress and veil and apologized again. “Can somebody do something for you, ma’am?”
Audra held her chin up proudly. “Yes. I am looking for Lee Jeffreys. I was acquainted with him a few years ago, and I am told he is among you. I have no idea of his rank or—”
“Colonel Jeffreys is right over there, ma’am,” the man interrupted, “in that school building. You came at a good time. He’s just finished his supper and he’s ordered everybody out, wants to write a few letters and such. He’s alone right now.”
The man looked her over, and Audra knew what he was thinking. It was useless to explain herself, so she simply thanked him and walked on, her heart pounding faster with every step. After two years and thinking she would never see him again, it seemed so strange to realize Lee Jeffreys was just a few yards away. When she and Toosie reached the schoolhouse, Toosie touched her arm and said she would wait outside on the steps. “You should see him alone.”
Audra closed her eyes and took a deep breath, sorely tempted to turn around and go back home, but now that she had come this far, she decided she might as well get it over with. “All right.” She climbed the steps, and a private standing outside the door stopped her. “Your name, ma’am?”
“Audra Brennan Potter. I am an old friend of Colonel Jeffreys.”
The man looked her over. “I’ll need to search you for weapons, ma’am. We can’t let just any southerner in to see an officer alone, even a pretty widow woman like yourself.” He touched her waist, and Audra knocked his arm away.
“You tell the colonel I’m here, and he’ll tell you I don’t need searching!”
The man looked surprised, then shrugged and went inside. Audra felt a fierce desire to kick him squarely in the rear end. She smoothed her dress, wishing she could calm her heart better. What was she doing here? This was ridiculous! Lee was one of the damn Yankees now! How many innocent people had he killed, how many buildings and farms had he ordered burned? And how puffed up had he become from all his grand victories and his rank as colonel?
Then the door opened, and he stood there, looking more handsome than ever, just as Toosie had said. His blue eyes were still gentle and loving. In one quick moment every bit of anger and fear had lef
t her, replaced only by memories that rekindled a fire deep in her soul, a fire that had never gone out.
At first he just looked at her, and she saw his pain, knew he had suffered the same as she had. If not for this war, they might have been so happy. Now everything they were feeling was said in that one first meeting of the eyes. “Audra,” Lee said softly. “Come in.”
He stepped back to allow her inside, but Audra turned to see several of his men staring at her. “I am not sure it would look right for either of us.”
“You men get back to whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing!” he ordered. “And you had all better know right now that I’ll take a whip to the man who shows this woman any disrespect!”
A few grinned and some muttered among themselves as they returned to their duties. Lee noticed Toosie sitting on the steps and he smiled. “It’s good to see you again.”
“Hello, Mr. Jeffreys,” Toosie answered.
Lee took Audra’s arm then and led her inside the schoolhouse, ordering the private who guarded the building not to allow anyone in except in an emergency. He closed and locked the door, then turned Audra to face him. Part of her wanted to pull away at the thought of a Union soldier touching her, but the greater part of her still belonged to this man, and she owed him so much. At first neither said a word. They just studied each other, feeling a secret happiness at seeing one another again, but struggling not to show all they felt.
“I couldn’t believe it when Private Dillon told me who was out here. What in God’s name are you doing in Baton Rouge?” he asked. “Wouldn’t you be safer at Brennan Manor?”
She pulled away. “Perhaps you can answer that, Colonel Jeffreys,” she replied. “How safe are places like Brennan Manor, with all you Yankees milling through the towns and countryside like a bunch of army ants?”
She turned and faced him again, lifting her veil. Lee grinned at the old haughty air that had irritated him when he first met her. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, but I am not among those who order innocent people killed and homes destroyed. You know me better than that, Audra.”
He folded his arms, and Audra thought how they looked even more powerful than she remembered. It was warm inside the school, and he had removed his uniform jacket and was wearing a plain white shirt and blue pants that fit his hips snugly. Long-buried desires swept through her with surprising force, making her turn away. She sighed, giving up her pretense at anger. “I suppose I do. That’s what made it all the more difficult for me to come here. I should hate you as much as the rest of those damn Yankees out there.” She turned to face him again. “I almost didn’t do this, but I knew I had to. I have to be careful, Lee, or my own friends and neighbors will begin calling me a traitor.”
His blue eyes moved over her, bringing the old shiver that only Lee Jeffreys could stir in her. His smile was as warm as ever, and his thick, dark hair hung past his shoulders. He was in need of a haircut, and his face showed a shadow of a beard, but none of that detracted from his good looks. “How did you know I was here? I didn’t see you in the streets when we came through town.”
She turned away again, strolling toward a desk at the front of the room. “I was not about to come into town and welcome your men as some kind of saviors, and I am furious at those who did. People should have stayed inside and locked their doors.”
There was that southern drawl that had always charmed him…
“Toosie saw you,” she said. “She had gone to town with my aunt and Eleanor. I’ve been staying with them. For the time being.”
Lee frowned, dropping his arms. “What’s happened? Why are you dressed like that?”
She met his eyes. “Richard is dead. Since the war, the Negroes have become more belligerent, just as we predicted. One particular troublemaker who had been sold off escaped his new owner and came back to pay us a visit. Richard found him hiding in the Negro camp at Cypress Hollow, and the man stabbed Richard with a pitchfork.” She looked away. “It was a slow, terrible death. Richard lived almost two weeks.” She heard a deep sigh, and the room hung quiet for a moment.
“I’m sorry for the way he had to die, but I can’t say that I’m sorry the man is dead,” Lee finally spoke up. “It must have been a terrible thing for you to go through.”
Audra walked to a window. “I never learned to love him, Lee, but I tried being a wife in the fullest sense, because I had no other choice. It was either that, and try to have children, or live a life of total emptiness.”
Why did those words stir such hot jealousy in his soul? He wasn’t supposed to care anymore, was he? He wanted to grab her, remind her that he had claimed her long before she’d belonged to Richard Potter. In just these few minutes he could not help thinking she’d never been any man’s but his.
“It wasn’t easy to…be with him…and there certainly was never any love lost between us. But in spite of how I felt about him, it was awful to watch him die. Now I feel such guilt—not being able to mourn him the way a wife should want to mourn her husband. I am afraid I feel grief only for how he suffered, but not for the loss of the man. Mostly, I feel…relief.” Her voice broke on the last couple of words.
“You shouldn’t feel guilty about that,” he told her, moving close behind her. “No one could blame you for not being terribly sorry that he’s gone. How long ago did it happen?”
Audra took a handkerchief from her handbag and dabbed at her eyes. She paused before answering him. “He died hardly a month ago. Father was afraid there would be more trouble with the Negroes…” She moved away from him. “He sent me and Toosie here because of an irate overseer he fired. He was also worried we could be attacked if the Negroes turned on us. So far everything seems to be quiet, but then, there aren’t many slaves left to worry about. Most of them have ran off. Another year of being unable to harvest our cotton and unable to find a market for it, and we will be ruined! I hope that makes you happy.” She felt her throat begin to tighten.
“Audra, it doesn’t make me happy at all, and you damn well know it. I’m just doing what I have to do, what I know is right—”
“You don’t know anything!” She whirled back around to face him, her eyes wet with tears. “You don’t know how hard my father worked to build Brennan Manor, and his father before him! I even have to respect men like Richard for that much. Can’t you understand we had every intention of ending slavery, in our own way and time! None of this was necessary, Lee! None of it! And if Joey dies, it will all have been so stupid and useless, and I will have no one! No one!” She began to shake, and in the next moment Lee was holding her, and she was letting him. Her tears came harder then, from a torrent of mixed emotions. The Yankees were responsible for her situation, and here she was turning to one for comfort! She wanted to hate him for it, but she still loved him, loved the feel of his strong arms around her. It had been such a long, long time since anyone had held her this way, allowed her to lean on him and weep to her heart’s content.
“Please don’t cry, Audra. It seems as if all I’m ever able to do is make you cry.”
“It’s just…all so wrong and unnecessary. I am losing everything that was…dear to me…Joey…Father…” She leaned back and looked up at him. “Oh, Lee, Joey went off and volunteered for the Confederate Army. He was in Tennessee last time he wrote, and then I read about…Shiloh, and I’m so terrified he was there! The reports that came back to us were awful! Thousands killed. Men losing their arms…their legs. I haven’t heard from Joey since. What is it really like, Lee? What happens in battle? Have you seen so many men dying at one time? Are they…getting their arms and legs cut off without anything for the pain? I’ve seen a few in Baton Rouge, men with bloody stumps for legs and…”
“Don’t, Audra!” He pulled her tighter again. “Don’t picture the worst for Joey.” My God, he thought, Joey joined the rebels! What if he was at Shiloh! He had heard what had gone on there, and from what he’d seen and experienced himself, he could just imagine what an ungodly hell Shiloh had been
. Poor Audra had lost so much already. Her whole life had been turned upside down. There was no sense in giving her even worse visions of what might have happened to Joey.
“He’s probably all right, Audra, or you would have heard by now, I’m sure.” He led her toward a bench at the side of the room. “Sit down.” She obeyed, and Lee pulled a pin from her hat and removed it, drinking in the beauty that had hidden beneath the veil. “My sweet Audra.” He wiped at tear on her cheek with his fingers. “I never thought I’d see you again, even when I found out I’d been given the assignment to come to New Orleans. I figured you’d be at Brennan Manor and I’d be too busy to go there and see how you were. I’m glad you’re here, glad to know you’re all right and out from under Richard Potter’s control.”
She looked away. “I shouldn’t be here,” she murmured. “Everything is so mixed up now, so different. I don’t know how to feel about you as a Yankee. How can I consider you a friend when any of those men out there that you command would kill Joey or my father in an instant if they put up resistance?” She shook in a sob. “It’s all…just like you predicted, Lee. All the hatred, the bloodshed, friends turning into enemies, innocent people dying.” She looked up at him with tender curiosity. “What about you? You’re walking with a limp.”
He sighed and leaned back, keeping a hand on her shoulder. “I took some shrapnel in my left thigh at Roanoke Island. I keep thinking the damn thing is healed, and then it flares up again and hurts like hell.” He studied her a moment, thinking how someone who looked like Audra should not be wearing black. She was meant for pretty spring colors. God, those eyes, still green and exotic as ever, those lips still just as inviting, especially when they were slightly pouted like they were now. Her hair glinted red in the sunlight that came through the window. “I got my promotion to colonel at Roanoke because I took over for an officer who’d been killed, and because I kept up the fighting in spite of my wound.” He turned away from her then and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ve been through some hell of my own, Audra. It’s been bad for both sides. I’ve seen the things you talked about, heard men screaming…” He closed his eyes. “I have also had my own losses. After the battle at Roanoke, my commanding officer told me he’d gotten word my father had died.”
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