“I’m so sorry, Lee.”
He stared at the floor. “It wouldn’t be so bad if I hadn’t just gotten closer to him. I went to see him before I left for the army, and we shared things we had never shared before. I never told you everything about the problems between me and my father.” He met her eyes again. “No sense going into all of that right now. I am worried about my brother David. He also joined up. I haven’t heard where he is or if he’s all right. It’s a lot like what you’re going through with Joey, except that I’m out there seeing the hell of it all the time, which makes it even worse.” He took her hand in his. “All you can do is pray for Joey, Audra. That’s all any of us can do, pray that this hell will end soon. Do you know what regiment he’s with?”
She shook her head. “Not anymore. They keep moving him around because he’s a sharpshooter.”
“A sharpshooter!” He smiled, hoping to make her feel better. “That means he’s one of those who gets to stand back and shoot from behind barriers instead of having to throw himself on the front lines. That should keep him safer.” He squeezed her hand. “I’ll bet he’s proud. I was always surprised at how good he was with a rifle when we used to hunt together up at Maple Shadows.”
Their eyes held at the words, memories pouring in, a warmth filling them both. Audra could not help wondering if he often thought about that first time they made love, with such utter passion and boldness. She was almost embarrassed now to remember the things she had let him do to her, and yet it had all been so gentle and right and sweet. Much as she fought it now, the memories stirred womanly needs she had not allowed herself to recognize for three years now…except for once…just that one night when Lee Jeffreys came to visit her at Brennan Manor, when she had dared to let him possess her body, even though she was another man’s wife. “Lee—”
“I know.” He kept hold of her hand. “We’re stuck with this, Audra. I don’t blame you for how you feel about those men out there, and you really can’t blame me for doing what I’m doing. You’re the last person in the world I would want to see hurt. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure nothing happens to your father or Brennan Manor, or you and your aunt; but I command just one brigade. There’s a whole division here under General Butler. There will be upwards of seventeen thousand men here before we’re through.”
Her eyes widened, and she drew her breath in a quiet gasp. “Dear God!” Seventeen thousand Yankees, all swarming into Baton Rouge! Who would be safe?
“Audra, I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Where is your aunt and uncle’s house?”
Could she really trust him? Of course, this was Lee. “It’s the big mansion about a quarter mile from here, up the hill behind this school building. I have been sitting on the veranda all day watching the soldiers pitch their tents.” She closed her eyes. “Lee, you can’t promise to protect us or put a special guard on us. It would look bad to your commander, and at the same time it would make us look bad to our own friends. People would say I was consorting with the enemy, and it would go hard on Aunt Janine.” She rose. “Uncle John also went off to join the army.” She shook her head. “It’s all so crazy and wrong. I feel I should be with Father, but I’ve been so angry with him. Never in my life have I been so torn and confused about everything.” She faced him. “I found out Father is in love with Lena. A Negro! I knew some white men slept with Negro women but never knew they really loved them. He was sleeping with her for years before my mama even died! Toosie is his child, my own half sister.”
She watched his eyes, expecting to see his shocked expression, but he just shook his head. “I always suspected it, from the very first day I met Toosie and noticed how much some of her features resembled yours. I couldn’t believe you didn’t see it, Audra, but you were so damn trusting, and so sure your father could do no wrong. I tried to tell you he isn’t perfect, but you wouldn’t hear of it. And I still think he burned those letters I sent you. Your father has totally controlled your life, Audra. Joey’s, too. The reason Joey is out there right now risking his life is probably because he thinks it will make his father proud of him. It’s the one thing he can do to earn the man’s respect.”
She sighed. “I know. He told me before he left he was doing it to make Father proud.” She turned away. “I feel so betrayed, Lee, by everyone. I just don’t know what to think of anything anymore, what is right and what is wrong, how to feel about my father…about the Negroes. Ever since I learned about Toosie and the affair between Lena and my father, my thinking about Negroes has begun to change.”
She watched out the window again. More tents were going up. “I never did hate them, you know. I simply thought they were far less important than people like us. They had their place, and that was how it was supposed to be. But now, knowing what I know, I can’t treat Toosie like that.” She sighed, turning to look at him. “I still believe what the North is doing is wrong, Lee. After the war, it will be just as bad for the Negroes as if they were still slaves. They won’t know where to go, how to live. No matter what course this war takes, it’s going to be bad for them. Down here you will find that a lot of men who tolerated them and at least gave them shelter and food are going to end up hating them and treating them worse than they were ever treated when they were slaves. And how many of your Yankee friends in the North are going to welcome them with open arms?”
She walked past him, letting out a little hiss of disgust. “This war will solve nothing. A lot of men and boys will be killed or maimed, the South as we know it destroyed, and for what? We will have a whole nation to rebuild, and the Negroes will be left out of all of it. They’ll still be a poor, ignorant, depressed race who have lost the only protection they had.”
“You may be right, Audra,” he told her, “and it’s a miserable state of affairs; but we’re both in it up to our necks, and that’s the hell of it. We’ve got to stick it out now, each of us loyal to our own cause. There is no going back.”
No going back. How right he was. They could never recapture what they once shared. He was such a beautiful man, inside and out. How she wished it could all have been different for them. “How long will you be here?” she asked.
“I’m not even sure. Just telling you how many men are on their way is more than I should have done. I’m trusting that you haven’t come here as a spy.”
She laughed bitterly. “I have enough problems without getting into such things.” She walked closer. “I suppose that may be what your commander might think, though, isn’t it? Is it dangerous for me to have come here—dangerous for you, I mean?”
He ran a hand through his thick hair. “Just don’t make a habit of it, much as I would love to see you every day. This one visit might bring me up before General Butler for an explanation. We probably shouldn’t see each other at all again.”
Pain rushed through her chest with a stabbing force. “I know.”
“Maybe some day…when all of this is over…”
She blinked back tears. I still love you, Lee! “Maybe. It depends on what has happened to my family…to Brennan Manor…to Joey.” She turned away again. “I’m not sure how I would feel about you if something happens to Joey. It just can’t ever be the same, can it?”
He rose and came up behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders, wishing he could tell her that he still loved her; but not here, not now, maybe not ever. “It’s like I said—we can’t ever go back. I’ll pray for you, Audra, and for your father and Joey and Brennan Manor; and I’ll do my best to see that nothing happens to you. But I am only one man with just so much power. The outlying area is going to be full of Yankees in a couple more months, bound to clear the countryside as they head North.”
She nodded. “Maybe you could just…hold me again…for a little while.”
I would like to hold you forever. He turned her, and she fell into his arms again, remembering that first night he held her on the beach, remembering how safe she felt in this warm shelter, his heart beating close to her own, his st
rong arms reassuring her that she was loved and protected. Neither of them spoke. They savored the feel of being close again, allowing themselves a moment to draw strength from each other, to remember another time, another place. Both of them felt a powerful, painful desire, yet both knew it was impossible to explore it. How easy it would have been for their lips to meet—but the moment was shattered by a gunshot followed by a Yankee yell.
Audra pulled away. “God be with you, Lee.”
“And with you,” he murmured, his gaze confessing the love that still echoed between them. He took her hand and walked her over to the window ledge where he had laid her hat. He placed it gently on her head and replaced the hat pin, and his closeness was torture. He took her hand, pressing it reassuringly, his own eyes growing misty for what might have been. “I’m glad you came, and I wish we could see more of each other. There is so much to talk about.” He leaned down and kissed her cheek, then pulled her veil over her face. “Good-bye, Audra.”
Audra could not find her voice. She turned and walked to the door. Lee studied the slender waist, remembering the feel of her, the sweet smell of her, the taste of her. Every muscle in his body screamed with wanting her, but everything had changed. He was a Yankee, and she was a woman of the South, and this was war. She never looked back before closing the door gently behind her.
24
The first explosion gave Sonda such a start that she dropped a tray of tea she was serving to Audra, Eleanor, and Aunt Janine on the veranda. China cups crashed, and hot water spilled over the wooden veranda floor.
“My God, what was that!” Janine rose, and contrary to her normal nature, she did not scold Sonda for the accident. There came another boom, and the roof of a building in the town below exploded in a spray of shrapnel.
“They’re shelling the city from the gunboats!” Audra exclaimed.
“But why?” Eleanor gasped.
There came more thunderous booms, more explosions. From where the house was perched, they could see most of the city, but it was difficult to tell just which buildings were being hit. The only building they all recognized was Uncle John’s bank building, which still stood intact.
“Yankee bastards!” Eleanor exclaimed. “And here I was so nice to some of them! Everyone in Baton Rouge has been courteous to them!” She turned to Audra. “I thought you said your Yankee lover wouldn’t let something like this happen,” she sneered.
“He is not my lover!” Audra answered, furious at the accusation at this horrible moment. “I saw him one time, and the only thing he could promise was that he would keep an eye on this house and try to make sure nothing happened to us.”
The big guns began firing in more rapid succession, and all over the city rooftops were exploding. They could hear a few screams now, could make out a few people running in the streets. “Lee wouldn’t have anything to do with this,” Audra said. “It’s all coming from the gunboats. He might not know himself what this is about.”
Several of the Negro servants came running out onto the veranda then, exclaiming over the noise. Henrietta screamed and ran back into the house when a shell hit a building no more than an eighth of a mile away.
“My God, why are they doing this?” Aunt Janine groaned.
Audra looked at the Yankee camp below, where men seemed to be moving in every direction. Some were marching in formation around the east side of the town toward the docks. Now she saw a rider heading up the hill toward the house. He sat tall on the big horse that carried him, and as he came closer, she saw he was in full dress uniform and well armed. It was Lee.
“Stay inside!” he yelled when he got closer. “If you have a cellar, get in it and stay there!”
“What’s going on?” Audra demanded.
“I don’t know myself yet, but I’m going to find out. I think this house is far enough away that the guns can’t reach it, but stay inside, just in case. Out here you’re exposed to flying shrapnel.”
Aunt Janine let out a chilling wail then, as she stared at another rooftop that went up in a spray that resembled fireworks. “The bank! John’s bank!” She looked at Lee. “You Yankee bastards!” she screamed at Lee. “We’ve been good to you! Why are you doing this? You’ve no right! No right!” She ran off the porch toward Lee and began pounding at his left leg with her fists, screaming and cursing at him. Audra saw Lee wince, and she remembered it was his left leg that had been injured. He grabbed Janine’s arm and turned his horse, half dragging the woman back to the porch.
“Goddamn it, somebody get her off me before I hurt her!”
Audra ran off the porch and took hold of her aunt about the waist, hanging on for dear life while the woman kicked at Lee’s horse and kept reaching for him. Lee backed the horse away, and Audra could tell by his eyes he was as confused about what was going on as the rest of them.
“Get in the house now! I said I would protect you, and I will, to the best of my ability. I’ve got other men watching the house.”
“We don’t need your protection, you stinking Yankee!” Eleanor screamed. “How dare you bomb my father’s bank? How dare you kill innocent people who have been good to you?”
Lee just glared at her a moment before turning to Audra. “I’m going to find out what this is about. Get them inside like I told you to do!” He whirled his horse and rode off, and Aunt Janine withered into a sobbing hulk, falling to her knees.
“All our money! They’ll loot the bank! We’ll be ruined,” she wept.
Audra knew her uncle was probably already ruined before the bank was hit by a Federal shell. His business came from the wealthy plantation owners like her father and Richard and with the plantations also falling into ruin, there was no money for any bankers to handle. She knelt down and touched her aunt’s shoulder. “Come on, Aunt Janine. We have to go inside.”
Below, building after building was exploding. Some had caught fire. She looked for Lee again, but he had already disappeared into the mass hysteria and destruction taking place below.
The honeymoon between the Yankees and the citizens of Baton Rouge was over, just as Audra feared would happen. They learned that Confederate guerrillas had conducted a sneak attack on Federal sailors along the docks, wounding three of them. The Federals had retaliated by shelling the city, and now half the buildings in town lay either in full ruin or with gaping holes in their rooftops and walls. Because of the Federal barriers, no food or other supplies could get into the city, and people began rationing, skipping meals, letting pets fend for themselves. Some livestock were turned loose to graze in the countryside. Merchants closed their doors, trying to keep their supplies from Federal hands but managing to sneak food and clothing to their own citizens who needed it.
It was near evening, August 5, and Audra clung to a sack of food she had daringly come to town to forage for her aunt. Janine had remained a withering, weeping, useless woman after watching the family bank explode into ruins. Eleanor refused to go into town at all, too afraid now of the Federals who occupied the town, afraid of more shelling. Besides, she had told Audra, this is all the fault of your Yankee lover and his men! He promised to protect us, and look what happened! If anyone should risk her life getting supplies, it’s you. It’s the only way to prove to us that you haven’t been a traitor after all. Everyone thinks you have been, Audra Potter! You went and visited that damn Yankee colonel of yours. I almost wish this house had been damaged, so people wouldn’t think we have special favor with those Yankee bastards!
Audra was not about to argue with the woman. They needed food, and that was that. It was Eleanor’s own fault that people thought what they did. The woman had blabbed all over town that Audra knew one of the Yankee commanders quite well. In her efforts to make herself look better, after her own very public flirtations with Yankee soldiers, Eleanor had made Audra seem to be a traitor, which made life harder on all of them.
More and more, Audra’s only friends were among the Negroes. Hatred and bitterness and distrust were growing among the town’s cit
izens, and Audra was not the only one ostracized. Others whose buildings were left untouched were accused of some kind of collusion with the Yankees, and Audra thought how sad it was what fear and loss of security could do to people.
Federals were stationed everywhere throughout the town now, and every trip into the city was dangerous, especially for young women, who took the brunt of crude remarks and threats. Lee had offered Audra around-the-clock protection, and guards to take her to town, but she had refused, realizing how bad it would look to other citizens of Baton Rouge. She was first a Southerner, a part of the Confederacy and a woman of Baton Rouge and Louisiana. She would not accept special favors from a former friend who was now the enemy. She knew her decision upset Lee, but she also knew he understood why she refused his protection.
Aware of how bad things were in town, her father had sent word that she and Toosie should come home. Brennan Manor had remained relatively peaceful, and with all that was happening in Baton Rouge, he believed they would now be safer at the plantation. The messenger from Brennan Manor had also brought the news that Lena had apparently had a stroke, which was part of the reason Joseph had not come for Toosie and Audra himself.
Audra hated to leave Eleanor and Aunt Janine alone, in spite of how they treated her, so she had refused to go back. She had sent Toosie home to be with her mother, and had also allowed Henrietta to go, since the woman was afraid to stay in Baton Rouge. She told Toosie she would come home as soon as she knew Aunt Janine was safe and well, in spite of the fact that the woman now refused even to speak to her. She acted as though the shelling of Baton Rouge was all Audra’s fault.
Tender Betrayal Page 33